The summer I got pregnant

It was a warm summer in July 1989. Grace Highland was sitting on her porch, her leg bouncing nervously as she waited for her boyfriend to pull up. He had just gotten back from summer camp, where he had spent the last eight weeks being a camp counselor, having to remind kids not to pick their boogers and to watch out for poison ivy. The porch was old and decrepit, the wood has long since degraded and browned to where it was no longer recognizable. The shiny white paint had long since faded away. She was trying to focus on the book in her hand, but it was nearly impossible with all the thoughts racing through her head. Last night, she had called him and in a shaky voice, said, “I hope you had a good time at camp. Tomorrow, as soon as you get settled, can you come by? I need to talk to you”. He replied yes, and she hung up the phone. She was terrified to face him, but he needed to know he would be a father. God, she was terrified. She didn't know what to do. She did know, though, that there was no way in hell that they were ready for this. She didn’t even know if she wanted kids, but definitely not one right now. Maybe she could give it up for adoption and never think about it again. Hopefully. She heard the familiar sound of the exhaust of her boyfriend’s firebird, and the crunch of the gravel as he pulled into her driveway. Luckily for her, her parents had gone out to lunch with friends and wouldn’t be back until two or three. His firebird was a shiny red, with a few scratches on the bumper from when some asshole cut him off. He climbed out of the car, and she dropped her book and walked briskly towards him. His dreads were tied up in a little ponytail, and he was wearing ripped jeans and a plain white t-shirt. He wore a silver chain around his neck, and he ran towards her and picked her up, and twirled her around. “I missed you”, he said against her ear, pressing a kiss to her cheek. She wrapped her arms around him, just wanting to enjoy him holding her for a moment. She pulled away from him, stopped and looked him dead in the eye, and said: “Rolland, I’m pregnant. “                                                               —-------------------   The second those words came out of her mouth, she broke down, tears rolling down her face. He looked shocked, suspended in disbelief and fear all at the same time. He pulled her into a hug, and just stood there holding her. She couldn’t believe she was pregnant. They had been careful and used protection every single time. And she was on the pill. She had been very careful to never miss a pill, terrified of the consequences if she did. Her life was over. Everything she had worked so hard for, was gone in the blink of an eye. She had failed one or two classes last year but was determined to work as hard as she could to make all A’s or at least B’s this year to make up for it. She wanted to go into a career in graphic design, go to college, and make a lot of money. Now, all those plans were ruined. She couldn’t go through with this. The morning sickness, her body aching all the time, and having to constantly go to the bathroom would take a toll on her, mentally and physically. She would have to miss class for all these doctor appointments, and then she couldn’t graduate. She was spiraling so much that she didn’t even notice what Rolland was saying. “Grace, are you okay”? He said, concern laced in his voice. She snapped out of her trance. “No. Rolland, I’m not ready for this. What are we going to do”?  He was silent for a minute, his eyes scanning her up and down. Then he said, “I will be there for you no matter what happens. I will support whatever you decide. I love you, Grace”. “I love you too”, she replied, her voice distant. “Can we go back to your house”? She asked, wanting some peace and a safe place to think things over. To stop the current of thoughts that would not stop running through her head. He nodded, and laced his fingers with hers, leading her to his car.  When they got to his house, it was quiet. His parents' car was in the driveway, so she knew they were home, but didn’t know where they were. “Can we talk about it more before we tell them? Decide what we’re going to do”? She whispered, not knowing if they would suddenly just appear and then discretion, the only thing they had left, would be ruined. He nodded and opened the door for her. His house was small, and the kitchen was to the left of the door when you walked in. Beyond, down the hall, was the bathroom and his and his parent’s rooms. They had a small backyard, with an old wooden swing that had been there for so long it left imprints in the grass.  She stepped inside, and without even thinking, made her way down the hall to Rolland’s room. He generally kept his room pretty clean, but this time it was messy, stuff from camp strewn all about the room. A sudden wave of guilt washed over her. She hadn’t even thought to ask about how camp went. She was too caught up in the news of another person inhabiting her body that it hadn't crossed her mind. She lay down on the bed, lying on her side. Rolland came into the room and sat on the bed, his head in his hands. “So, when did you find out you were pregnant”? He asked, his voice slightly choking on the last word. “Last weekend, when I took a test”, she replied softly, remembering the shock that had reverberated through her body when she saw the two pink lines. They had had s*x right before he left for camp, and her cycle had ended a few days before that. So when she didn’t get her period a month later, she figured maybe it was just late. But then a week passed, then two, then three, and she knew something was up.  She couldn’t go to the doctor, because she’d have to go with her mom, and her mom could not know she was sexually active. So she decided to take a test, for peace of mind. Except it leads to anything but. Her eyes widened as she saw the two pink lines, a gasp escaped her mouth, and she sunk down onto the cold bathroom floor, the faint smell of pee lingering in the air. “I didn’t want to stress you out at camp, and I needed some time to process before I told you. I should only be a few weeks along. But I’ve been thinking, and I don’t want to have the baby”, she continued, letting out a deep breath with that last sentence. “I don’t want to have it either. We aren’t ready for this kind of responsibility, and we’re not financially stable enough to provide for a child. We can’t even live by ourselves yet. Besides, you have plans. You want to go to college and study graphic design. Then after college, we’ll move to California and start our life together. A baby would just get in the way of that. “ She let out a deep breath, grateful he agreed. She was lucky to have such a good boyfriend. Some guys would have just up and left. She had heard stories of women who were kicked in the stomach while they were pregnant by their baby daddies. But she knew Rolland would never lay a hand on her. “So it’s decided”, she said, “we’re getting an abortion”. Saying the words out loud made it sound final, but she was grateful that they had a plan. There was an abortion clinic about forty minutes from her house, and they didn’t require parental consent for abortion. Luckily, New Jersey allowed minors to sign their own consent forms and one of the only restrictions was that you had to consent that you understood the procedure and its consequences.  “Wow, I never thought we’d be in this position. I mean I’m relieved we don’t have to have this responsibility so young, but it’s a lot to process. At least we got lucky, that we get to have choices. A lot of people don’t”, Rolland said, playing with the frayed strings from the rips in his jeans. He did stuff like that when he was nervous. She loved the way he was so careful yet reckless at the same time. He was always so gentle and loving with her, but loud and boisterous when it came to anything else in his life. He would sometimes go out skating with his friends until late at night, skating along some of the busiest roads. He was very talkative, engaging nearly every person he met in conversation. He was like the king of the school. Popular and loved by everyone. Sometimes she felt inferior compared to him. She was just a quiet homebody, didn’t go out much, and didn’t talk much. She sometimes wondered why he was with her. Like what did she have that he saw in her? He could probably have his pick of any other girl in the school. Like the girls with big hair, with curves that were beautiful and confident. Or the girls who always wore makeup and their hair straightened. But her? She just had plain red hair, blue eyes, and several pimples dotted her forehead. But then she reminded herself that he loved her, and tried to see her inner beauty. She believed everyone was beautiful in their own way, they just had to try and see it.  Sometimes she didn’t feel like she was beautiful. Her forehead was too big, her arms too long and dangly. Like her body was put together with just a bunch of random parts that didn’t quite fit together but were good enough. She tried to push those feelings down, reminding herself that there was more to life than physical appearance. She had become so lost in her thoughts she hadn’t even realized at least ten minutes had passed where she hadn’t said anything. She got up and got on top of Rolland, pushing him down onto the bed, and settling into his arms. As he held her, she had a strange feeling everything would be alright.  The next day, she woke up in her bed. She was confused, as the last place she remembered being was in Rolland’s room. He probably just scooped her up and took her back to her house before her parents got home. She didn’t think either of their parents knew about her being pregnant, or at least she hoped they didn’t.  She was not ready for the consequences of that. Just imagining the look on her mother’s face was enough to strike fear into her heart. She glanced at the clock, and seeing that it was only 8:30, she would lie in bed for a few more minutes. Her bed felt so comfortable, the sheets feeling like satin and her pillows like soft piles of feathers. She wanted nothing more than to sink down into the bed and never get out. She snuggled into her pillow and pulled the blanket on top of her. She felt like she was tired to the bone, even though she had fallen asleep around 11 last night. Luckily for her, it was Sunday, and she didn’t have anything to do.  Rolland sat on his bed, fiddling nervously with a Rubik's cube. He knew that they had agreed on abortion, but what if something went wrong? What if it didn’t work? What if there were complications? What if she died? That thought made him stop cold. He couldn’t lose her.  His mom had a miscarriage and almost died. The doctors didn’t listen to her when she said something was wrong, that she didn’t feel right. She was bleeding heavily and was having a lot of cramping. The doctors had to cut the baby out of her, and then they declared that he was born dead. It tore his mom apart. She would barely get out of bed. She looked like a shell of herself, skinny and gaunt, a frown permanently fixated on her face. It was like she transformed overnight. She stopped wearing makeup and dressing up, and going out. From what he’d heard, postpartum depression was a b***h. It took everything from you, making you a shell of the person you once were. He couldn’t stand to see that happen to Grace. She was so happy, so carefree. He didn’t want to see her spirit crushed. His mother’s life was nearly replaced with the one she would have given birth to. It seems you give up everything when you have a child. Your freedom, your sense of self, anything and everything that makes you who you are. It was unfair that women had to give up everything for their children, while, in some cases, men would go to work all day and then come home and relax. They didn’t have to help with the children or do laundry or cook and clean, especially not all by themselves.  His dad wasn’t like that, of course, but that was a rarity. His dad always did the dishes or would help his mom put away the groceries. Or do the dishes and laundry if he noticed she was feeling tired. He found it crazy that men always got praised for doing the bare minimum. Occasionally helping out around the house or helping to put the kids to sleep was enough. In his opinion, the idea that the man was the head of the house while the woman just stayed home and took care of the kids and the house was so f*****g outdated. Why should a man get to have all the power just because he’s a man? Everyone is equally capable of contributing to a household. No one should have all the power and responsibility should be equally shared. Of course, he would protect and love his wife, but he would not control her. It was not his place to tell her where to go and what to do.  Grace sat on her bed, staring at the ceiling. She was lost in thought, thinking about her life and how lucky she was to have what she had. To have good parents that loved and provided for her. To never be wanting for anything. A lot of people didn’t have food in the fridge, or clothes on their backs. She had seen a few kids at lunch with nothing to eat, and a couple of times she offered them food. Sometimes, they refused, and sometimes they took it graciously. It’s crazy how everything in life depended on personal circumstances. What you had or didn’t have. How you grew up? If you saw your dad beating up your mom, you would grow and treat women that way because you had seen that growing up and thought it was okay. And because you had never known anything different, when you grew up and possibly had kids of your own, you would do the same thing and continue the cycle.  It’s like no matter what you do, everything comes full circle. You don’t wanna be like your parents, but then you end up like them in some way. You tell yourself that you’re gonna grow up and move away, have a big career and not live some boring apple life where all you do is work and go home and take of the kids, but who knows what will really happen? She had planned to get out of New Jersey and go to college, but now she’s pregnant. She’s not keeping the baby, obviously, but if she were to have this baby, she’d end up exactly like her parents. And she did not want to be trapped here for the rest of her life. All a baby would do is chain her down. Instead of having fun and going out all night with her friends, she would have to stay home and watch her kid instead. Instead of having that college experience, she would have to juggle taking care of a baby while taking classes. It just wasn’t feasible. College was hard enough, she’d heard, but a  baby would make it impossible.  It was simply not worth throwing all her dreams away for a baby she did not want. Some people may call her evil, call her a monster, but it was her body. And it was none of their business. If she gave birth and kept the baby, everyone would s**t on her for keeping it and probably call her a w***e or a s**t. There was no winning. If you got an abortion, you were a baby killer and a horrible person, but if you were a teen mom, you were stupid and irresponsible and wasting your life. At least this way, no one would know besides her and Rolland. She hadn’t even begun to show.  Two weeks later A few days after she told Rolland she was pregnant, he had called her and told her he booked an appointment with the clinic and said that she would have to fill out some forms when they got there. Now that the day was here, the knot in her stomach would not stop twisting its way around her stomach. She felt unsure and guilty. Was she a horrible person for doing this even though she couldn’t give the child the life it deserved and would probably resent it? She wasn’t changing her mind, but this was a big decision. But she knew, deep down in her heart, that this was right.  The appointment was booked for 4:30 after school, and the clinic was roughly thirty minutes from the school. Rolland met her at the back of the school and together they walked to his car. He squeezed her hand gently, reassuring her that everything would be alright. She climbed into his car, and he slowly backed out of the parking lot and they were off. The ride there was smooth, mostly just on back roads. Rolland looked focused, his eyes on the road. But there was a hint of nervousness on his face. She felt a twinge of guilt run through her. She had put them in this situation. She hated that it had to come to this, but it had to be done. They turned onto a busy road, driving a little way until Rolland pulled into the clinic. It was a plain, white building, with Women’s Health and Abortion Clinic emboldened in black letters on the front. It had two glass doors, with a disclaimer that they were not responsible for any harm that occurred to the patient; this was of their own choosing and they were not liable for any complications that may occur. Rolland parked the car, and they walked up to the doors. “Are you ready for this”? Rolland asked, gently rubbing her back. “I don’t know if someone can ever be ready for something like this”, she replied blankly just wanting to get it over with. They stepped inside the waiting room and went up to the front desk and told the attendant they had an appointment. They were given forms to fill out and told to sit down and wait. Grace-filled out the forms as quickly and painlessly as possible, trying not to think about what she was about to do. She was scared that she might die or that she could have complications for life. She tried to take a deep breath to reassure herself that this clinic was here for a reason, that they were trained medical professionals, and that they would be safe. She set the clipboard down beside her and leaned her head on Rolland’s shoulder.  It felt like very little time had passed when her name was called. “Grace Highland”, a woman wearing pink scrubs and a stethoscope around her neck said in a crisp, clear voice. She had pretty hazel eyes and long brown hair pulled into a ponytail. She got up and went to where the nurse stood, who told her to step through the door. Rolland was asked to stay back, for privacy reasons. She was disappointed, as she wanted his support, but in the end, the outcome was the same. The nurse told her to step on the scale, and then told her to stand across the wall so she could record her height. She told her to follow her down the hall to a small room with a long sort of bed covered with a white sheet. She took her blood pressure, listened to her heartbeat, and examined her eyes and ears. “Have you completed all the necessary forms”? The nurse asked, putting away her equipment. She nodded. “Is there a parent or guardian here with you today”? “No”, she answered. “Are you 16 or older”? “Yes”. “Is it okay if we contact them in case of an emergency or not”? “No, I do not want them to know. “ “Is there a trusted person we can contact”? “Yes, my boyfriend”. She rattled off his number, hoping the barrage of questions would be over soon.  “You do realize, if something were to go wrong, complications with the procedure perhaps, your boyfriend would be the only person we could call, and if the surgery was expensive or needed parental consent, you couldn’t get the surgery potentially unless we called them”?  The gravity of this sunk in. All she could do was cross her fingers and hoped nothing would go wrong. She nodded, thinking of all the things that could go wrong. But surely they wouldn’t, right? That was like a one in million chance. This was a licensed clinic. They knew what they were doing. There was nothing to be scared of. Everything was just overwhelming. The bright white lights and the stiff walls of the clinic felt like they were closing in. “I will give you some pills to prepare you for the procedure and to lessen the pain. You will need to wait about forty-five minutes to an hour for the pills to take effect”. The nurse handed her the pills and a glass of water. She carefully swallowed the pills, one of them leaving a particularly nasty taste in her mouth.  “The doctor will be in shortly”, the nurse said, and left the room. A few minutes passed, with her waiting nervously. Someone came in and handed her a plain white hospital gown. She went to the bathroom and shrugged off her t-shirt and jeans, leaving her underwear on. She pulled the gown over her head, the material cold against her skin. God, why were hospitals always so f*****g cold? Have they never heard of adjusting the thermostat? Exiting the bathroom, she hoped no one would look at her and wonder why she was there. Secretly judging her or something. There weren’t that many people about, just a couple of nurses and patients sitting in their rooms. When she got back to the room, a woman was in there waiting for her. Thank god the doctor was a woman. She would not want some random old man sticking his hand up her v****a.  “The nurse already went over everything with you, correct”? The woman spoke, her voice cutting through the silence. “Yes”, she answered blankly, unable to believe she was about to go through with this. She had told her parents she was going to spend the night at Rachel’s house, one of her friends from school, and that Rachel’s mom would pick them up after school. She asked Rachel if she was okay with lying to her mom, and she said yes. She could do a mean impression of her mom.   She just hoped they wouldn’t find out. That was one conversation she did not want to have. “Okay, before I start the procedure, I want to inform you of everything that I am going to do. First, I will give you a shot with a numbing agent to numb the area. You should feel very little to no pain, but let me know if you do. Then I will insert a speculum, which is like a wand with two pieces that is used to spread your legs apart so I can see inside your v****a. Then I will insert a tube, sort of like a vacuum, that will suction the fetus out of your body.