Love and Spice

Why is it that when you finally truly love someone, you always tend to lose them. I have gone through this my entire life with just friends. But now that I am 19, I have experienced more pain than I could imagine. That pain has sucked me in. I have thought of slashing my neck or chest and imagining my own death instead of reliving the pain every waking moment, every hour, and every second of every single day. I have thought about having s*x with every guy I can. So I can moan from a guy f*****g me instead of crying from a guy breaking my heart. I have thought of doing drugs, and just giving up without death, just emptiness. Multiple times in my life, I have seen red, I have seen blood, I have been afraid, and had my guard up as high as it could go. I wanted to take a knife and slice through my neck, feeling the blood drip down my body and feeling the pain, but eventually it ends, so I wouldn't feel pain forever. I have always been told I am beautiful but I have never felt it. I have always felt like I am a skinny stick of a person who is a monster who deserves to die. I have thought and imagined myself being a total slut, not that I am not one already, I have gotten told that a lot in my lifetime and I am only 19. Anyway, I would imagine a guy and me, a hot as f**k jock. A player. The hottest guy I know jumped on top of me, feeling my breasts, me taking his shirt off, and our tongues going down each other's throats. Then he takes off my thongs and kisses me from my lips to my stomach as I get butterflies. His hand then slides across my p***y, and then he fingers me slowly, then quickly. Next, I take off his pants, his d**k hard as a rock, and I give him a blow job, while he c*m in my mouth, and it drips out, pouring down my t**s. He puts his d**k in between my t**s and moans. Next, he takes that wet c**k and puts it in my wet p***y as he f***s me hard as we both continue to orgasm, and we moan and moan and moan, and an hour later, I get home, and this guy Nick is standing at my front door. I lied this was not a fantasy, this actually happened, so let's get into the story of heartbreak and spice