Herman

Kerry liked the rain. The sound it made when it hit the rooftop, a soothing lullaby when you are too tired to sleep. Her earliest memory was a rather loud storm that had brought rain for several days, washing anew all the landscape. She felt freedom when she sat and listened. Tonight was no different as she stared longingly out her window at the gloom, eyes fluttering as the gentle song played. She sat upon a small trunk, feet propped up on a stool. Her open notebook on her lap rustled as the wind licked its crinkled pages. Her short blond hair dangled in front of her mousy brown eyes, her lips moistened by the spray of the rain. She breathed a long, deep sigh; inhaling as much of the humid air as she could. Tonight was a tender and sad moment for her, as this familiar landscape would soon be replaced by a new, foreign picture. This was the last night in the house she had only known for eight and a half years. Tomorrow was a moving day, and she was not happy about it. The whole year leading up to this had been a dull, uneventful affair for both herself and her mother, Lois. From the number of oddjobs and sleepless nights, to say how her mother was still able to function was nothing short of miraculous. Her father had been out of the picture when she was only an infant. Mother didn't like to talk about it. She insisted that just the two of them were all they needed to survive. Kerry still wanted to see her mother happier than she was at the moment. However, she had not imagined that she would pack them up and move clear across the country, for a "fresh start". Kerry didn't have many friends from school at Carl Mitlon Elementary, except her Blood Sister Betty. The two had met in the art circle of geeks and half-maddened sugar rushers whose only real difference was they could draw and paint more then a basic stick figure. Betty had introduced herself by snagging the last can of cerulean before Kerry could get into it, and smearing it along her backside when she tripped behind her. The moment had been tense as the two eight-year-olds stared down at the other, a pen drop could be heard in the neighboring classroom. Kerry bust out laughing as a vision of an old-fashioned western showdown popped into her head, Betty also giggling much to the relief of the nervous teacher, Mrs. Appleton. Betty was just as devastated as she was when it was announced that she would be transferring all the way to Oregon at the end of the month. The two had been the only real friends they had, despite a few hanger-ons that barely spoke outside the schoolgrounds. She and her had become what they called Blood Sisters, not related but just as close as real sisters. And now that was all over. Kerry moved over to her moth cage. She looked inside, tears welling in her eyes. The large white moths inside were hovering about on their soft wings, clustered around the heat lamp above the small plastic bubble they called home. Her mother had been clear that she couldn't take them with her and now the moment had arrived when she must free them. She gently lifted the cage and turned off the overhead lamp. A lull in the storm had given her a brief window to release them. She set the cage down close to the open window and choked back more tears. They had been her only friends for so long. Now she felt like she was losing a part of herself, she had tended to them for years now. She wiped her face with a rag and slowly lifted the latch on the door. Some moths did not hesitate and poured out the door and out into the still setting twilight. Others crawled up to the top and seemed to refuse to go. Kerry gently copped one up and held it close to her face. The many legs and soft,furry body felt more like snuggling a kitten for her than an insect, that most people would prefer squash than to pet. She had always felt a connection to the creature; beautiful,shy yet misunderstood, much like herself. As she fought back more tears, she held it out the window and gently lowered her hand to the window sill. It took a moment before the moth took flight and flew into the night. Kerry felt a small piece of herself fly away with them, to linger with the memory of a home she was leaving behind. She felt slightly better. The rising sun brought a loud noise out front as Lois packed the last of the cardboard boxes into the back end of her van. Kerry stood in the now empty room, ghost images of her old furniture appearing briefly, followed by her laughter as a small child. She may not have as many memories as some, but they were happy ones. Leaving her dearest friend and familiar space behind was a lot harder than she thought as the day of her move arrived, far sooner than expected. Time seemed so short when she knew how much she had left. She took one last look as her mother's soft voice called her from the front door. The ghostly images faded, leaving only a blank room with slightly peeling butterfly paper and creaky wooden floors. She slipped her favorite yellow-and-black checkered flannel on and picked upon her canvas knapsack. She walked slowly out the open door and closed it behind her. Her mother was waiting near the van, she to looked more upset about leaving than before. Reality always hits harder when the actual event happens. She got into the passenger seat and waited for Lois. Her mother got in and buckled her seat belt before turning the key. The engine sputtered before it started and the long drive north was underway. "Seatbelt Bug" Lois said, as Kerry had not buckled her belt before. She rolled her eyes at the kiddy nickname that had annoyingly lingered from her time as an infant. She fought with the hateful canvas strap before it clicked into place at her side. The beginning of the trip started as somber silence, both of them not really saying too much other than commenting on whether the movers had already delivered their furniture to their new place. Kerry tuned out as she watched the passing trees and countryside. She hated long car rides and this one in particular was going to be at least two days. She blew her bangs up from her face as they pulled onto the interstate. She took one last look back at the small city of Bennigton before she pulled out one of her notebooks from her knapsack. For the next several hours, she scribbled and doodled on the pages. Her mother would steal a glance over and comment on how good she was getting. Kerry didn't respond because she was still mad at her mother, not understanding why they were moving from one side of the country to the other. "Its complicated Bug", her mother would say. Kerry wondered what was so bad about life in their home other than her working almost all the time. Her mother refused to say much more than what she considered a rather flimsy excuse. The first of many rest stops came shortly as Lois pulled off the Interstate and into a McDonalds. Kerry only asked for an egg muffin and orange juice, as her mother frowned on sugary colas for breakfast. "You want to eat here or in the car" asked Lois. Kerry just shrugged and Lois made a decision for both of them. She pulled up to the drive-thru and ordered burritos and Sprite for herself. It did not take the employees long as money was exchanged and food quickly delivered. Kerry peeked into the brown paper bag to make sure all the food was there before they drove off and remerged onto the Interstate. The muffin was quite dry and the eggs seemed almost powdery, but she still liked it. Her mother drove with one hand and ate with her free hand. She looked over and casually mentioned not doing what she was when she was driving. Another of her famous "Do what I say, not as I do" moments, many of which had to do with her driving habits. Kerry didn't care all that much as she had quite a while before she could even start learning about that stuff. She returned to her own drawn world and time seemed to melt away as she drew. Her pictures were often all over the place. One could be a princess riding a stallion, another rather dark skull character that loomed from the distance. Kerry had been to see more than one guidance counselor about the subject of her art, something she did not get. Who cared if she painted darker themes rather than happy rainbows and unicorns and s**t? She giggled as she knew she couldn't say that in front of her mother. Lois didn't approve of the copied vocabulary of her more intense rants. Kerry had actually giggled until she nearly wet herself when a rather heated argument over a utility bill led to a screaming match when the other person tried to talk over her mother. The biggest mistake they could make was underestimating how high her voice could get. Kerry swore she heard glass breaking across the street. Most of the time, Lois was a soft-spoken mouse who was just as shy as her daughter was. She could hold her own over a phone line, yet she meeked out when in person. Kerry understood the feeling. She didn't like talking to new people as much as she lived in her own world. There she was liked and could draw as many friends as she wanted. If only she could do that in reality, life would be more interesting for her. After more failed small talk, she and her mother had a solemn ride until she stopped at a park in California to stretch out her legs. Kerry looked around at the hills and trees around her. It was kinda hot so she came out of her flannel and sat on the stone bench in the shade. She heard a few birds and kids playing while their parents were also resting, either from driving for what seemed like an eternity, or just for a playdate. Lois came and sat across from her, just staring for a moment. Kerry looked up from her notebook, trying to smile a little to make her mother feel a bit less guilty about the move. " You haven't said much, little bug. I can tell you're not thrilled about moving to Oregon", Lois said, pausing to test Kerry's response before pushing the subject further. Kerry only grunted as she was trying to draw her one and only friend from memory before she forgot any details. "So I thought we could talk about your new school. I heard it's quite nice, not like that dumpy Carl Milton place" said Lois. "I don't want to talk about it", Kerry snapped as she was finishing her drawing. "I had to leave a lot behind too bug" she said and Kerry shot a glance upward. "What did I say, why do you do that" Lois said, her hands waving wildly around as she talked. She talked with her hands a lot. "Mom, it's fine, you already said it was to start over in a new place away from our home, my school, the one true friend I actually had" said Kerry, as her coal pencil snapped, pressing too hard out of frustration. "Kerry, I wish I could talk more about it, but right now your too young to really understand why I am doing this" she said. "Mom, I'm not stupid, I know its because of dad why we are leaving" said Kerry. Lois looked a bit off to the side. She was always uncomfortable about her daughter knowing more about adult affairs than she wanted, at least until she was much older. Lois drew a deep breath and reached for Kerry's hand. "We will be okay bug" she said. "Mom, stop calling me bug, it was cute when I was four" said Kerry. The conversation stalled after a few more minutes, so the pair sat in silence for the remainder of the break. Soon they were back on the road, heading north. Kerry was getting tired from being slightly bored and closed her eyes for a while. She didn't mean to be so callous before, she loved her mother very much, yet she had more of an attitude akin to a teenager. She had a hard time expressing herself through words. Lois had tried to make things work back at Benigton, just not as much as she thought they could have. Lois turned the radio on to try and drown out her thoughts that she was worried about doing the right thing for her daughter's sake. She glanced over at Kerry napping and became less worried as she felt resolve creep in, a resolve that her daughter meant more to her than her own happiness. Maybe she should tell her the truth since she seemed more in tune than she thought. Maybe when they settled in, she would sit down and tell her. Lois smiled and kept her focus on navigating the cars on the highway. The sun had begun to set on the horizon and the first twinkles of starlight were visible. Lois yawned, her eyes feeling droopy. It was time to try to find a place to sleep. She looked at the road signs and saw an ad for a small motel about ninety-nine miles away. "That will have to do", she thought as she steered into the right-hand lane. Kerry had awoke from her nap and was looking around, hoping that it was a dream. She slumped back when she saw it was not. She was still tired as she couldn't really sleep on the old cushioned seats. Lois turned the radio up slightly so the music could keep her more awake until they got to the motel. Kerry looked at the stars starting to wink into view. She liked them too. After about two more hours of driving, the pair finally pulled into Gran's Motel. Lois paid for the night and the two checked into the room. The sanitized air hit Kerry's nose and she grimaced slightly. She hopped onto the bed close to the wall and sprawled out. Lois brought in a small brown case that had some clothes and toiletries for them and closed the door. After a hot shower, they both relaxed in their beds, Lois reading a travel book to their new place of Fletcher Falls. Kerry sharpened her coal pencil and started to do more drawings, slowly filling up yet another in a long line of notebooks. "Honey, can you at least wear your bottoms, please" asked Lois? Kerry had never liked wearing bottoms to bed, preferring only her panties and a shirt. "Mom, it's fine. We are the only ones in here" she said. "Oh, OK, so I guess if there is a fire you won't mind everyone seeing your pink frills" said Lois, as she leaped out of bed and scooped Kerry up. She blew a raspberry on her stomach and Kerry laughed quite heartily as her mother carried her to the door. She quietly cried fire and Kerry relented. She slipped on a pair of silk bottoms and climbed back into bed. It was good to finally laugh after the first hours had been so tense and silent. Lois tucked her in and kissed her head. "I'll tell you when we get to the Falls", Lois said, and Kerry smiled back. She returned to her book and read for a few more minutes. Afterwards, she turned the overhead lamp off and curled up under the comforter. Lois felt more relieved that Kerry didn't hate her as much as she had believed and drifted quickly to sleep. The next morning was a lazy start as Lois slowly got up. Kerry was already awake and doodling at the desk in the room. She didn't realize her mother was awake. Lois grabbed and kissed her and she giggled some more. After a quick shower and a restroom break, they both packed up the clothes from the previous night and exited the room. They stopped in the main lobby for breakfast. Kerry couldn't say no to waffles and eggs with apple juice, her mother tucking into a plate of cheese omelets and coffee. After they had dined, they climbed back into the van and pulled back onto the highway. Lois knew if she drove almost non-stop she could get them to Fletcher Falls just before midnight. Kerry fiddled with her books looking for a fresh notepad, her previous one full of her random scrawls and notes for future projects. "Are you ever going to let your hair grow out more" she asked Kerry? She looked at her short bob cut in the side mirror and asked what was wrong with it being that short? Kerry had never been a fan of her longer blonde locks when she was a kid, so she had been keeping super short for years. "It's just that you have such a pretty face that maybe just on your shoulders would look better on you, bug" said Lois. "Mom I don't like it long like that, its just my style" said Kerry. Lois sighed and dropped the subject. Kerry had been touchy on the subject of her appearance, preferring short hair, knit capos, and flannel compared to some girls her age. Lois wondered if she herself had been this difficult when she had been her age. The rolling hills and deep valleys of California were soon behind them as they crossed into Washington, the hours becoming much longer as the afternoon sun began its slow descent into the east. Lois looked at her watch and asked if Kerry wouldn't mind a quick stop to stretch out their legs a bit. She said yes. The rest stop was situated in a small clearing surrounded mostly by woods and a small creek that ran along the hillside to the south. The sky was slightly overcast and Kerry secretly hoped for rain. Lois didn't like the rain as much as Kerry did, the memories she had tied to storms and lightning were nothing but painful. However, she felt that it had not been ruined for her daughter and she hoped it never would be. Kerry sipped her Hi-C and doodled in the margins of her book, making space for as much detail as she could. What Kerry missed already was the painting she had been doing at Carl Milton with Betty. Her blood sister had actually gotten her into the world of paint and oils, before she had only known graphite and colored pencils. The thought of her close friend struck her with a large unwelcome lump in her throat. Lois had promised she could stay in contact with her by letter and by phone since she kept the parent directory from Milton. It was a small comfort and enough to abate the feeling of loss. They rested for a while before they resumed their journey. Kerry started becoming bored and would periodically ask her mother if they could get her another notepad. Lois insisted that they shouldn't make anymore stops until they drew closer to Portland. Thus began a series of games that began to drive Lois slightly more insane, the worst being Kerry making annoying sounds with her lips and fingers. Lois tried so hard to help alleviate the boredom with music and small talk. It did not help much. Kerry gave up after about an hour and closed her eyes. Lois sighed with relief as she had the awful thought of hog-tying Kerry and tossing her in the back with duct tape over her mouth. She looked for another road sign to see how far away they were from their destination. She saw a sign for Portland and read it was still over three hundred miles to go before they would even be close. With the sun already sinking lower in the sky, Lois worried she may have to stop once more just to rest. Her eyes darted over to the glovebox. The contents were a small envelope with all the petty cash she had and a hidden thirty-eight revolver, which she hoped to never have to use. Kerry began to snore softly as she napped. Lois smiled and flipped the radio on. "We will be OK, everything will work out" she thought to herself. The day she met Harvey Madigan was one she believed was the best and worst of her life. He had been so sweet and doting, tending to her every need like some humble servant. Lois had always been shy and independent, she rarely ever received invites to get-togethers and parties. The day she received an invite to Bobby Stein's birthday bash was just as surprising as it was curious. She never understood what Harvey had seen in her to pursue her with extreme passion and fervor. She knew she wasn't much to look at with her plain-jane body and features. Her long brown hair was always in a ponytail or bun and she had brown eyes like mud. Yet, Harvey made her feel like a goddess; highly desirable and beautiful. For once, she felt like the center of attention in the room rather than Janice Beiter, whose breasts looked akin to mini-zeplins under her blouse. Harvey was a slightly tall, somewhat handsome man with slicked back blonde hair and a pencil-thin mustache. His beady green eyes looked through Lois and made her feel like she was seen for the first time. "I know that this is quite forward of me, but, would you do me the kindness of having a drink with me sometime after work", he asked her? Lois laughed as she gripped her steering wheel. He had laid on the charm so damn thick, it was comical now. At the time, Lois had been so starstruck that she could only nod yes and he hugged her in excitement. Maybe that was a red flag or him being sweet. At that time, it seemed innocent enough. They dated for six months before she was asked the question in the middle of a strong thunderstorm. The rain soaking through her hair had hid the tears as she stared at the diamond ring. The next month, they were married at Saint Ran's Church in downtown Benigton. They bought the house at 22 Sala Street and Lois had been seven months pregnant at the time. Harvey continued to work at Salanger and Rose, while Lois quit and became employed at Well's Fargo Bank. Kerry was born shortly after, on July 8, 1980. Then the problems began to mount. Harvey had met Lois on the front porch that night in 1981 and asked where she had been. She told him that she had been out with Tina and Lizz, helping Janice Bieter to get over her third divorce in a two-year stretch. He didn't believe her. What followed was him demanding she call and be home at a reasonable time and Lois complied. She didn't like to fight. The arguments only worsened as Kerry got older. Money, s*x, his stagnant job, nothing was ever good anymore. Then the slap came. Lois became scared of even being around Harvey. She felt like she was navigating a minefield and one wrong move, or word said with a tone, and she received a shove or slap for her trouble. But he never treated Kerry like that. He doted on her like she was the only thing that mattered in his world. Lois eventually became shamefully jealous of her daughter. She would throw a small tantrum and would not get slapped for sassing. She acted out and she wouldn't be shoved into random furniture or chairs. At one point she even considered dropping her four-year-old off on some mission and driving away. She hated herself so much for even thinking a thought that foul that she spent the night in the guestroom, crying her eyes out with a loaded thirty-eight, sitting on the nightstand. After that night and the sun rose, Lois and Harvey both agreed to make things work for Kerry's sake. Of course, this was before drinking came into play. Lois would often find Harvey passed out in the living room, a half-empty bottle of rum or scotch close to him. Kerry, thankfully, was always taken care of before his binges. It was the aftermath that finally broke them apart. He became violent and hateful and Lois often sported fresh welts and bruises before she showed up for work. One night, he attempted to force himself on her and Lois snapped. She grabbed the snub-nose from her purse and struck him in the face with it. The white-hot rage steadied her hands and she made him leave. The next few months, she legally separated from him and denied him any contact. He wouldn't stand for it and sued for legal custody and lost due to his heavy alcohol use. He wound up in Feckelrs Rehab Hospital before June of 1988. Lois decided that it was time to leave. She asked her attorney for legal questions and he advised against leaving the state until a formal hearing. Harvey fell off the wagon only a day after leaving rehab and failed to appear at the hearing. Lois was able to convince the judge that Harvey was a detrimental influence and filed for sole legal custody. She won. Lois looked over at her daughter asleep on the seat as the sun set beyond the mountain. Lois promised she would never let Kerry be hurt and that she would never have those vile thoughts about her again. She loved her too much for that. Fletcher Falls would be a brand new start and Lois was determined to make sure her little girl's life was the best it could be. Lois drove thru the night and entered Portland at 2:34 am on May 8,1990. She was exhausted and hungry, wiping her watery eyes with a napkin. She found a small motel just outside of the city and stopped in for the night. Kerry was sound asleep and not wanting to disturb her, Lois carried her into the room and laid her down on the bed. She pulled her shoes and her knit cap off before tucking her under the sheets. According to Lois's guidebook, they were only two hours away from Fletcher Falls and their new home. She got a quick shower and furled into bed, tired yet satisfied that the memories of the events over the last nine years were just that: memories. She drifted into the most peaceful sleep she had since they left Benigton and dared to dream of happiness again.