Her Fire

16 ~ Hesitations...

"...I do the rejections, not the other way around!”

Now, it's David's turn to gaze at her with a perplexed expression, as though she's the one speaking incoherently at this very moment.

"You want... to be the one to do it," he murmurs softly, and she catches a fleeting glimpse of an unfamiliar shadow seeping into his eyes as he slowly averts his gaze.

That look is all too familiar to her—humiliation. He didn't want to do this and yet he's denied even the satisfaction of claiming the bragging rights of severing the bond this time.

Rejected once again. Though for a different reason, the thought of being unwanted must be weighing heavily upon him, leaving him feeling incredibly diminished and dejected at the moment.

"Wow, I am really not looking good in this scenario." Deirdre thinks to herself, despite her conviction that it’s the right thing to do.

Why does life have to be so complicated!?

"All right..." He inhales deeply, steeling himself for what lies ahead. "Very well, then... proceed, and I shall accept it." He swallows audibly, his muscles visibly tightening as if bracing himself for the inevitable pain and anguish to come.

F*ck, this feels so wrong, so heartless and cruel. It's like watching a puppy get kicked when it has yet to open its eyes for the first time. It goes against the grain for someone so vulnerable to be treated so callously. It makes one feel miserable, sh*tty, and in pain as well.

Deirdre glares at the sky, where an unwavering half-moon hangs in defiance of the current time, which is only mid-afternoon.

Cursed meddling moon goddesses!

"You had to do this, didn't you!? You had to pair me with a nice guy so I would hesitate to break the bond! Sneaky witches!"

Deirdre looks at David again. He is staring forward with a resigned expression, looking like a dead man walking, awaiting a punishment he doesn't deserve, paying for a crime he never committed.

Deirdre is about to hurt someone she should be caring for and protecting… someone who doesn't deserve to be shattered so brutally.

Is that who she is going to be? Someone unfeeling and ruthless, just like her former mate?

Why? Because of her traumatic past? While it is understandable for her to be highly strung, does that give her the right to pass on her fears and pains to someone else? Especially to a person who is already broken, perhaps even more than she is. Of course, one might argue that putting together two damaged souls is a recipe for disaster…

She groans. Oh, but this is bad! If she doesn't do this now, she'll end up deeper and deeper under the mate bond's spell! She'll be trapped again, resigned once more to someone else's will. Living a repetition of her past life, only in a modern setting.

And yet…

She stares back at David. "I…"

"I don't love him yet…" She thinks to herself. "There's still a way to get out of this… To be a better person than my former mate. Maybe I don't have to hurt David. Maybe we can find a way out of this mess without surrendering our will, without sacrificing our hearts…"

David frowns. "Deirdre? Are you all right?"

"I…" She clears her throat which is feeling tight. "Where did you say you wanted to take me on a detour?" She asks, her voice almost breaking.

He blinks. "I never did say where. You didn't give me a chance to."

“Well, I’m asking you now.” She snaps, then bites her sharp tongue. David doesn’t deserve such acidic behavior. He has been nothing but kind and understanding, acknowledging her emotions and validating her reasons, unlike somebody else -her former mate- who easily dismissed them as if she were just having a childish tantrum in an adult body.

David takes a deep breath, perhaps praying for more patience. “To Abbazia di San Bruzio, that is, the ruins of San Bruzio Abbey. It’s in Magliano in Toscana, in the province of Grosseto, more than a couple of hours away from Florence, perhaps three. It was built around 1000 A.D. by Benedictine monks.”

Deirdre waits for him to say more but he says nothing else.

She sighs. “And why on earth do you think I would be interested in the ruins of an old abbey?” She asks impatiently.

He shoves his hands into his pockets. "Well, aside from the fact that it is a beautiful piece of historic remains and a charming gem of spirituality nestled amidst nature, combining the sacred and the secular, I thought you might want to see it because legends say that among these ruins, Destiny comes to fulfill the pleas of the supplicant souls."

WHAT!?

There’s a way to contact Destiny in this modern age!?

“She.” Deirdre can’t help saying.

He blinks, confused. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Destiny is a she.”

“Oh, I apologize. I wasn't aware of that. That's quite interesting, though. I simply used the masculine form because in Italian, 'destino' is masculine, so obviously we use the male pronoun for it.”

“No, how could you have known?” She asks absent-mindedly, staring pensively at his chest, not really seeing him as her mind whirls around the possibility of being able to talk to the deity of fates.

Perhaps it’s just a local legend, of course, but even myths started somewhere. There’s no smoke without fire after all.

“I’d like to go there.” She says, nodding decisively. “Can we go there now?”

He glances at the sky, his uncertainty evident. "Well, it's going to take another three or four hours of travel from where we are. Are you absolutely certain you want to do it now? We could consider going another day..."

Another day sinking deeper into the quicksand of the fated bond? Fat chance!

“I couldn't care less if we end up getting there at midnight. We're going right now,” she grimaces, cringing at the sound of her own words, realizing she comes across as unreasonable and bratty. “Unless of course, you have something better to do… then I can just ask Roberto to accompany me there on a private tour…”

He slides inside the car. “To Maremma Toscana, then.”

She grins as she gets in.

David casts a fleeting glance at her as he is starting the car again. After a few minutes on the road, he asks quietly, “So… we are postponing it? Severing our bond?”

She shrugs noncommittally. “We’ll see. Maybe Destiny can shed some light on our situation and you don’t have to get hurt. Or we can just do it right there.”

He says nothing at first, appearing to digest her words. “It will hurt you as well, you know.” He tells her. “My former chosen mate… She crumpled to the ground and could not get up for days afterward. It seems to have hurt her more than it did me and it worries me. I guess that's why I tried to do the rejection. I didn’t want you to go through that. I figured it hurts me less because I have a wolf, and Flint protects me… You’re human now… I’m afraid of what will happen to you…”

“I’ll take my chances.” Deirdre frowns. “That’s odd, though. In theory, it should have been you who would have gotten hurt more, having a wolf that could feel the severing of the ties of fate. It is through their powers that shifters have the fated bonds in the first place. Are you telling me that Flint didn’t suffer that time?”

“Oh he did, we both did, actually, but… not as badly as she had been affected. Her family still resents mine because of me choosing her, hiding the fact that I have Flint. And…”

“And what?”

“They blame me for what happened to her afterward.” He answers in a low and sad voice.

“What do you mean? What happened to her?”

He sighs. “Last I heard, she is mated to another now. She actually found her fated mate after… you know. But… they remain childless to this day. They think it was my fault… that I somehow cursed her… with my unnatural wolf.”

Deirdre feels an intense urge to unleash her wrath upon that family. How can they be so cruel!? So oblivious in their backward belief, not realizing what an absolute honor and blessing it had been to be chosen by a lycan to be his mate?

Then, a blush creeps across her face as she realizes her own culpability, desiring to sever ties with this kind and gentle soul. Despite her intention to do it for a different reason, it would still shatter his spirit... once again.

“It’s for the best, you know, breaking our fated bond,” She whispers, turning to look at him, her eyes begging for him to understand. “You don’t want to have me as your mate. I am stubborn, impatient… I can be rude at times and even insensitive… I get all riled up, exploding at the slightest provocation… You can’t count on me to do the housework, I detest doing laundry and dishes, and I’m… I’m just…” She struggles for the right words, desperate to make him see things from her point of view, not really certain if she’s trying to convince him or herself. "I am not 'mate-material'."

“But we do want you as our mate.” He tells her gruffly, almost sounding reluctant. He is staring at the road ahead and with his next words Deirdre realizes that it is no longer David who is speaking but his wolf. “You can be as stubborn as you want, impatient, or any of those things you mentioned. My human is flexible, patient, and calm. He takes pleasure in manual tasks and leads a tranquil life, ensuring you'll have no competition for attention, only full support, if that's what you desire, and he would make an ideal companion if you seek the same laidback life.” He glances at her—she notices that his blue eyes are now the color of molten gold—before looking back to the road ahead. “Perhaps you're not ‘mate material’, as you so uncharitably put it, but I believe he is. He has always yearned for the presence of someone to love and nurture… and if you just let him, maybe he… maybe we can love you just right."