Her Fire

17 ~ Golden repair

Her gaze locks onto him, wondering for a few fleeting seconds if this is even safe, letting the wolf drive the car and the person.

Despite her declaration that she fears nothing, Deirdre knows damn well that Flint is a ticking-time b0mb and a fragile one at that. One wrong turn of phrase could trigger him and everything would go south very quickly.

“Hello, Flint.” She greets him cautiously. “Is David okay?”

He laughs a little, the sound guttural and out of place in such a kind-looking human.

“Yes, I just wanted a few minutes with you.” He glances at her, his gaze softening as he sees the unease in her eyes. “You have nothing to fear, mate. I will never hurt you.”

“Just an hour ago, you threatened to do the exact opposite…” She reminds him warily.

“And you’re still here to remember it. As you can see, I am quite incapable of doing the deed. I was just angry and hurt. I didn’t mean it. Please accept my apologies, and know that no matter how angry or frustrated I become, I will never hurt you. I simply cannot. I would rather step back and let my human absorb me. The final death, for then, my spirit will never return to my moon mistresses.”

Deirdre frowns. “Why did the other wolf spirits do that, then? Sacrifice themselves?”

“I don’t know,” he answers gruffly. “It baffles me as well. But when I came to be, it was already too late. I was alone. There was no one else I could talk to.” His voice is laced with so much sadness.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispers.

He nods. “Thank you. I was lucky enough to be given a good host, I guess. They claim that he is weak for not being able to merge our souls, but they are wrong. I say he’s the only strong one left, able to make his stand, choosing to protect me instead. Because that is what he is doing. Protecting me from this strange world that makes no rhyme or reason to old souls like ourselves.”

Deirdre is quiet for a while. “Is this your way of trying to convince me not to break our bond? I hate to burst your bubble, Flint, and maybe we should stop the car for this conversation, but—”

He shakes his head. “There is no need, I have accepted our fate. I won’t lose control, I give you my word. My human and I have agreed to let you go. It pains me to do that, of course, but…he is right. It appears to be the only way to make you happy. And in the end, isn’t that what matters most? The happiness of the one we love?”

Deirdre stammers in panic. “L-Love? How could you say that? We’ve only just met!”

“Ahh, but we are neither simple humans nor very complicated beings, Fire Goddess. For lycans and their mates, it takes only one meeting to know.”

“F*cking he!l…” She mutters. No wonder she’s been feeling weird!

“It is my hope that when you are free, you will finally find your peace and remember us fondly.” His expression becomes morose. “My human says… perhaps we will be luckier the third time around… but I am not interested in finding out. After you, everyone and anyone else will only pale in comparison.”

“Don’t say that!” Deirdre huffs in frustration, feeling pressured all of a sudden and trapped as well, not knowing how to make him understand without this car ride ending in a complete disaster. “You think the fated bond can help fix whatever is wrong with you but I can’t, Flint! I can't because I am just as broken as you are!”

He grows quiet and then he slows down the car and they sit in silence for a few tense minutes. Deirdre sighs. At the rate they are going, always stopping at the side of the road, they will probably really reach the abbey's ruins around midnight.

“My human loves watching documentaries… and reads quite a lot,” Flint says quietly, out of context and out of the blue, making Deirdre wonder what his point is. “That's why he’s so knowledgeable about many things. I don’t particularly enjoy the activity, but there was one we saw that caught my attention once. I will let him talk to you about it, for I do not recall the details very much.” He seems to withdraw and with a blink, Deirdre sees David take back the helm once again.

“What Flint wanted to tell you is that… in Japan, they have a beautiful and meaningful custom known as ‘Kintsugi’ or ‘Kintsukuroi’ which translates to ‘golden joinery’ or ‘golden repair’. Perhaps you have heard of it already. It is a traditional art form that involves repairing broken pottery or ceramics with gold or gold-infused lacquer. Each restored piece becomes a unique work of art, with golden veins running along the mended fractures, creating a mesmerizing pattern that tells the story of the object's past and transformation. It serves as a reminder that even though something may be broken, it still holds value and beauty. Kintsugi not only restores the physical form of an object but also honors its history, making it even more precious than before.”

Deirdre’s vision blurs with tears as she listens to him. Now she sees the point and she is touched. She has been fascinated with that particular art as well. The philosophy behind Kintsugi is rooted in the belief that an object's history and imperfections should be embraced and celebrated, rather than hidden or discarded. Instead of disguising the cracks and fractures, they are highlighted and accentuated by filling them with a mixture of urushi lacquer, a type of resin, and powdered gold, silver, or platinum. The process of repairing with gold is not only a practical solution but also carries deep symbolism. It embodies the idea of embracing and cherishing the beauty of imperfections, as well as acknowledging the transient nature of life, promoting the concept of finding beauty in the flawed, the weathered, and the imperfect.

David turns to look at her and smiles a little. “Flint broke my mum’s favorite vase on purpose when we were young, so we can try doing it. She was not very impressed. Especially since water started pouring out of the vase when she used it because we didn’t actually do it right. Skilled artisans spend years mastering the techniques and honing their craftsmanship. All we had were transparent glue and some gold glitters.”

Deirdre can’t help but chuckle at the image. “How old were you then?”

“Twelve, I think.”

She lifts an eyebrow. “Don’t shifters get their wolves much older? Usually around the age of maturity?”

David sighs and starts the car again, smoothly gliding back into the road. “I was born an old soul, that’s what my parents used to say. Flint has been with me since I can remember. They thought I just had an imaginary friend.”

Deirdre turns to the window, surreptitiously wiping away her tears. “It must have been tough, growing up so different from your family.”

David waits another minute before answering. “I’m sorry for not giving you a warning about Flint taking over. He was so eager to speak to you, which is rare… he’s not someone who particularly likes talking to other people.”

Deirdre clenches her fists in her lap. “I can’t give him what he wants. What both of you want from me. It goes deeper than just my bullheadedness. My disgust of the fated bond is rooted deep within my soul and I will carry it for the rest of my life. I haven't known you for so long but I can tell you're a good man, David. You deserve someone better—”

“You don’t have to explain anymore, Deirdre. I understand. I’m sorry if Flint and I made you feel pressured. But as he told you before, it’s alright. Do what you have to do and we will be strong enough to handle it. Maybe that is our destiny after all. The reason you are fated to us. To help you heal your wounds, by showing you that you can be loved without conditions. We are honored to have been chosen to love you.”

“See, I hate that!” Deirdre bursts out, glaring at him with resentment. “Why do you have to surrender to your fate so easily? Why do you happily follow orders!? Why would you be glad or even honored to be some sort of a sacrificial lamb!?”

Despite the provocative tone, David answers calmly. “I simply don’t see it that way.”

“Why not!? What other way is there?”

“I see it as being blessed. If loving you means letting you go and letting you grow, then yes, I accept my fate and I can only wish you happiness.”

Deirdre sneers. “You have been spurned by your chosen mate and are now about to be rejected again, this time by your fated one.” She reminds him harshly, no longer caring about her sharp tongue. Maybe he needs to hear it so he’ll wake up from his deluded fantasy. “Does that still sound like a blessing to you!?”

He winces from the hit, visibly hurt. “What do you want me to tell you, Deirdre?” He asks her tiredly.

Her eyes narrowed. Now she’s getting somewhere. The half-empty-half-full attitude is just rubbing her the wrong way. “I don’t know! Maybe the truth!?”

His hands grip the wheels tighter, but he continues to drive calmly. “I did tell you my truth and you refused to change your mind anyway. What does it matter now how I try to manage my feelings? Flint and I are dealing with this situation in the only way we know. And I am simply trying to stay afloat, to give you what you want and not drown in my ocean of helplessness and despair at the same time. But is that what you want?” There is a hint of bitterness in his sad tone which takes her off guard.

“No, of course not! I mean—”

“Because you are confusing me with mixed signals right now, Deirdre. Do you want me to keep fighting for you, in a hopeless battle that will consume me until there’s nothing left!? Is that what will make you happy? To see me down on my knees?”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT OKAY!?” She explodes, feeling like cornered prey. “I don’t know why I’m feeling this way! I feel like… like I’m being pulled in all directions and I don’t understand what is happening to me anymore! I have loathed the fated bond all my life and I know what I have to do to find my peace, what I swore to do…but you are making me feel so…guilty… that I'm making the wrong decision… because you are so different from my former mate!" She tells him with an accusatory glare. "It’s like an itch I can’t scratch and it's making me angry!”

He sighs. “I’m sorry that you feel that way. Please believe me that I’m not doing it on purpose. Accepting my fate with grace and trying to see the bright side is the best I can do given the circumstances, as I am juggling two warring emotions at once. I fear that Flint and I are slowly succumbing to the darkness inside me and that it will only worsen if I continue to fight for us, for you have given me no hope of a future together so I simply surrendered to your wishes.” He says quietly. “You must forgive me for trying to retain a little shred of dignity.”

Feeling an overwhelming mix of frustration and shame, Deirdre smacks him on his arm, making him glance at her in surprise. Childish, she knows, but it's an outlet of sorts. Let him see how petty she can be. Perhaps this way he will no longer feel quite so honored.

“What was that for?” He asks, looking utterly baffled.

She crosses her hands over her chest and looks away like a petulant child. “It was either that… or kiss you. And we both know how it would end if I do the latter.”