Suddenly Gone

When you thought everything was perfect, it's when it has failed. When you thought everything was going well, it's when it has become complicated. When you thought everyday was a happy ending for the both of you, you'll just realize it's when it has totally ended - yes. Without the word happy. Everything ended with someone I thought I'll see my future with. It's been 5 months. It's been 5 long months since Dave broke up with me and it still feels like it was just yesterday. I couldn't sleep just by the thought of it and it's killing me! I just can't look at myself in front of the mirror or just feel pity with how my eyes have been drooping, eye bags darker every single day. Crazy in love as what my friends told me. What's so dangerous with relationships I wonder? That when you're broken, it also makes you crippled? It even makes you a couch potato. Lazy as ever. I couldn't even eat just by remembering every moment we had together. Every corner of my mind has every memory of him. I don't know but I always find myself staring blank in space, leaving a trace of tear on my face. Yes! 5 months have passed and I still cry myself to sleep! Everywhere I go, every time, every day, yes every day, tears run down my cheeks. It may be one or two or three drops from my glands but it was as if every day had a schedule for tearing up. Hmmmm. This is normal, I guess? It's normal! Hmmmmm. Yeah it is! Who would ever feel good when dumped right? C’mon guys. Of course, it’s because I loved— yeah? I'm the type of girl— no. I’m the type of lady—no. I’m the type of woman who doesn't want to go jumping in different relationships. I want to be with the same person ‘til I get wrinkles on my face, ‘til my brown hair gets white, ‘til my eyes get blurry, I want someone who’ll kiss me good night in a cold evening and wrap me with strong arms ‘til I fall asleep. Uhmmmm, is it too much to ask? Well, Dave and I were basically college friends turned lovers and I believed in what others told me that friends make good partners since you know each other very well and, also, I promised myself that I will be marrying the man I'll first love. After all, I want to punch myself for still thinking like a kid living in fairytales, believing in first loves, first kisses, first holding hands, “firsts and lasts” and f*ck them all after just realizing my stupidity! We were 3rd year college students when I said yes. College and still childish with my thoughts about relationships! [FLASHBACK] "We've been in the same circle of friends for 2 years Rin. I was really happy when I got the chance of getting close to you,” he coughs trying to clear his throat.  “You're just. Awesome. You're.. You're unique. Smart and bubbly. You make me smile with the way you call out my name. How you call me piggy when obviously I'm not. You just make everything fine whenever I hear your laughter. Your presence has always been enough." His tone is quite serious but it is obvious that he has been nervous, trying to say his words of— confession? "Dave,” I am beside him now and my eyes never left his face, seeing droplets of sweat running down along his temples to his jaw while he keeps looking away. We were under the chestnut trees of the school campus when Dave first confessed to me. If you ask why under chestnut trees, I totally don't know. That's where destiny led us to. "I know Rin. It sounds ridiculous right? I know you wouldn't accept this but I just want to say it straight from my mouth coz I can't just stay still when every time our group plans night-outs, Saturday outings, it gives me this weird feeling of excitement ‘coz I'll be seeing you again. I just.. I just feel so comfortable whenever you cling to my arm, hug me, comb my hair with your fingers when we sit together.. I know you're innately sweet and caring and I know you won’t see me more than a friend but I hope—" "It's mutual Dave," I cut his long speech. "W—what?" He lifts his head slowly and that's when I saw his eyes and it spoke sincerity. "I don't want to keep repeating myself Dave. I know you heard it. And yes, you heard it right.. piggy,” a giggle follows my words with a smile of embarrassment on my face.  He bit his lip and he covered his mouth with his palm. He looked cute that time that it turned my cheeks kind of red. He wasn't expecting it from me. He thought it was one-sided. Damn puppy loves and such. Does it seem like a cliché? Confessing under the trees and expecting me to say yes under the rain? Well, no. It didn't happen that way— well for me, when I said yes, it was through text... Hmmmm. Was it too millenial-ish? [FLASHBACK] To: Piggy Dave How's your day? From: Piggy Dave It was supposed to be a good one but my test results weren't what I was expecting. To: Piggy Dave The day hasn't ended yet. It could still end the other way round my piggy hmm From: Piggy Dave Wow. My eyes seem to love the change of my nickname from your message. I guess my day's better now hehe To: Piggy Dave It sure is. Remember this day my piggy. Coz we'll have to make it more special every month. Hihihi my piggy From: Piggy Dave Wait Rin. What do you mean? To: Piggy Dave You are My piggy. My piggy. So when I say My, it means no one else could have you. Tsk. I'm sure you had that during elementary. Nouns used for possession. Ugh c’mon Dave Cruz. From: Piggy Dave What?! Are you saying yes? God! Thank you! You don't know how much you made me happy! I love you my Erin :* To: Piggy Dave And that's the same for me, My Piggy Dave :* "Excuse me Ma’am?" It's like a bubble popped in front of me like I woke up from a dream when one of my staff here in my coffee shop handed me a tissue. "Ahh.. Thanks John," I said and wiped my face with it. See? Can't even control my tears even in public. We're here inside my owned coffee shop— Barista's Cafe. This cafe just opened a month ago and my best friend s***h business partner and I manage this what we call dream-come-true money maker. I realized shortly that customers were glancing at my direction and so, I wiped my tears again and stood up. I was supposed to lead myself to my small office but I was frozen when I saw a woman with a wavy, grayish hair enter the shop. She went towards me and I was just there, waiting for her to come closer. "Good morning Ma’am," every staff greeted her as she passed by them. I wiped another tear running down my face and stood still. "Crying over the same thing again Dawn? Gosh you look like a ragdoll," she brushed her hair upwards and took off her Rayban shades. Yes. Same thing for 5 months now. She placed her black leather Prada bag on top of the table just right behind me. "Stop calling me Dawn, Jean. The sun's up." "Ha. Ha. You think you're funny?" and then rolled her eyes at me. Sarcastic answer for a trying-hard joke. You deserved that Erin. Meet Jean. Jean Ferrer. My college classmate s***h besty s***h partner in this coffee shop business we established here in a high-end city in the south. She's sophisticated, straightforward, a party goer, a woman who could get any guy she wants ‘coz she's just so fabulous. I can't even remember how we got really close ‘coz she's my total opposite in terms of socialization, handling relationships, and yes— flings are a different thing, but I guess we have this similarity. We live on our own coz we think we're strong and independent and never forget, we are still in search for that special one. Sometimes, she would joke that maybe the one for us had been ran over by a truck, worse, had already died without even meeting us yet. I know, you would think that Jean is such a meanie and a brat. Very loud, rude, b***h or what. She has this strong domineering personality but trust me, you can count on her. Throughout my break up, she was the one who would knock on my door at 2am just because I can't sleep due to being a cry baby. When I'm worn out and wasted from crying, she'll come in my pad and cook me arrozcaldo. I know. She's sometimes hot-tempered, but really sweet. I just love this woman so much I couldn't imagine myself without her. "I think I am. Coz Dawn is a name too pretty for me," I smirked. "What's funny with a pretty name? For a pretty face?" She glared at me. I smiled at her and tucked a few strands of hair covering my right eye. Isn't she too kind? I know Jean's way prettier than me, but she keeps telling me that I'm pretty, I should know how to carry myself and blablabla. It's not that I'm old-fashioned and don't know how to fix myself. It's just that I'm not as confident as she is. "Just look at me! Jean. So plain! That's why I’m going sophisticated to lift my character up. My god! I wish I could add another name after Jean so it wouldn't be so boring," she rolled her eyes again. She picked her phone from her bag and swiped it. "Hmm. Let me think of a good name. Hmmm." "Goodness. Here you go again. Please Rin. I hate it when you're corny. Pick a good one," she said while her eyes still glued on the screen. "I am not corny!" I protested. It's just that I speak for what I believe is.... funny? "Then what? Horny?" She loudly said followed by a bitchy laughter. And with that, we got eyes turned to our direction which made me smile bitterly to every head facing us. Veins on my eyes wanted to pop out because of what she has said! "Hahaha..haha.ha.. I thought it was funny — I'm sorry," she showed a peace sign to everone and then turned to face me.  “I'm just.. Kind of needy these days,” she whispers with a soft giggle covering her mouth which made me almost throw my fist at her.  "Cut it Jeans! You're shooing customers!" I glared at her and warned her with a soft voice. "What the hell Erin Dawn? Why do you keep adding S on my name? Doesn't make it any longer." I usually annoy the crap out of her by adding S on her name like calling her Jeans or Jeans Ferrers. She stood up, grabbed her bag and made her way to the office just behind the counter. I tailed her ‘til we got inside. "It just got longer at least by one letter coco head!" I chuckled as she placed her bag on a plastic chair inside the office. "And so??" She turned around to look at me with confusion seen on her face before walking towards the office table. "Then you can just remove Ferrer. Anyway, you're features show a foreign beauty so why not change your surname if you really find it boring?" I asked. Still standing, I crossed my arms on my chest and my left leg over my right, leaned against the wall just beside the door. She sat on the swivel chair and placed her elbows on the table, resting her chin on the back of her palms. "And replace it with?" Her brow raising. She stared at me intently. I hope this time she won't find it corny. "Reid. Jeans Reid.”  Then there was silence. "Hahahaha!" I laughed out loud that even my staff turned their heads to me but I guess she'll buy my proposal. I realized it was somewhat witty. As I was laughing my ass out, she spoke no words and still stared at me like I had the worst facial expression in laughing but I know I maintain my poise as much as I can when I laugh even if it could be the loudest of all. "Cmon Jeans! It's the wittiest I've thought after how many attempts I've tried joking around with you right?" I told her still chuckling about that not-so-planned-joke which really is the reason why I'm just so into it. My mind's working on witty, silly, impromptu and, I bet, kinda sensible stuff these days. "You have a crush on James Reid, don’t you? Geez! James Reid. Jeans Reid. Sounds the same! It’s the answer to being more fab and gorg! Nadine would wish she had your name! Hahahaha.. Haha.. Ha..” My voice slowly diminished as she stood from her swivel chair and came closer to me. Oops. I think I just pressed her red button. Her eyes never leaving mine, she slammed the door just right beside me and my eyes grew bigger as she stood in front of me. She's a few inches taller than me and I just feel so small whenever she kills me with 10 bullets per second from her gun-like eyes whenever she stares and really annoyed. I feel like I'll need to go overtime tonight. "Did your break up cause you to be this trying hard? Like putting up a show and making me believe you're actually funny? Seriously Erin it's not funny anymore." I found myself unable to speak. I know this time, it was serious. I looked down and watched my fingers from both hands playing with each other. "I-I’m sorry. I was just trying to joke around. I wasn't aware you'll get offended coz you just laugh at it most of the time—" "It's not about Jeans Ferrers or Jeans Reid for goodness sake! I don’t care ‘bout that! If you want, I'll change my name tomorrow just so you'll know it’s actually a smart suggestion!” I felt her frustration when she spoke those words. I knew she meant something else. That's when I felt a tear run down my right cheek which eventually dropped on my fingers, still playing with each other. "What I'm getting mad at is the way you act in front of me! Gosh Dawn! 5 months! Limang buwan na kayong hiwalay ni Dave. Ayan! Tinagalog ko na. I know it hurts. Okay? I've been there. But will you just let that grief eat you up??" Her hands were throwing up in the air, trying her best to wake me up from the misery I fell in.  She knows I'm still not well. Yes, I'm still not good. And I’m trying hard. I've always been trying but it's just so hard. This is my first heartbreak and I never thought I'll have one coz I always wanted firsts and lasts, but I just can’t seem to swallow the fact that Dave and I are over. This time, it wasn't just droplets of tears falling down my face. It was like a body of water trying to dehydrate my whole system coz it still hurts me every time I think about it. No. Every second, every minute, ever hour, it never left my mind. "He broke up with you and it's not just your loss! It's also his!" She yelled at me. She does yell at me sometimes and it wasn't offending me because I know it was out of care for me. And yes. You read that right, friends. We were in the peak of our 1 year and something' month relationship when he broke up with me 2 months after graduation. I was even excited to tell him I'll be having my own coffee shop with Jean and he even showed support. I thought he would stay with me in this career I wanted. I always longed for his support all through out as my boyfriend in this business I ventured in. I was totally clueless about the break up coz we never had a fight. I swear. There were no signs of giving up and I thought everything was fine between us— I thought. [FLASHBACK] Chilling still at my room, my phone suddenly rings at exactly 12 midnight, and  just like some other giddy girls excited with their boyfriends, I pick it up right away without making the phone ring for the second time. "Hello?" His deep voice welcomed me right away. "Hey my piggy," I answer in my softest tone ever. It has been a long day without hearing his voice over the phone. "Sorry. I made you wait for so long. "It's fine. At least now, you've called. How are you?" I even say it with the sweetest smile ever. I know he'll never see it. "Kind of tired baby. I went with mom in the office today and checked the projects assigned to me." He answers and I feel his voice weaken and I think he is really tired after a stressful day in their office. It's been 2 months since we graduated and here he is, living the Cruz way— busy on construction projects which is actually their family business. There have been a lot of establishments in the city which they were the contractors and the name Cruz, in line with these engineering works, always is number one. It has already grown to be a big company and it seems like every Cruz needs to give their contribution in their own world of business. "Mm. You seem to be following your dad's footsteps. I wouldn't wonder if you'll be entitled soon in the rank of CEO. Just now, I'm already proud of how you're living out the dream you really want for your family,” my proud ass for my boyfriend is wiggling on the bed. "So thankful for your support Erin. You never fail to motivate me in every way,” then I hear him sigh from the other line. I giggle after hearing my first name which was quite unusual but I shrug it off away.  "I’m not used to hearing you call me by my name. I guess you're really tired. I would let you slip this time okay? The next time you call me Erin I’m really going to hit your head, piggy. I'm not Erin, piggy. I'm your baby—" "Rin let's break up." Then, silence dominates both lines and I'm not so sure of what I've heard. "Erin,” he calls me from the other line and I hear his voice crack, definitely not from crying. "Dave..” I giggle at how often he has been watching prank vids and I’m just amused how he's trying to fool me this time. "April Fools just passed, babe. It's already May! Haha—" "Rin I'm serious. Let's break up." "W-what? I.. I don't get you Dave. What's the problem?" "Rin. I love you. Okay? Don't ever think that I don’t. Coz I really do—”  He loves me but he's hurting me with a break up? "Then why are you doing this??" My voice increased a volume higher. My tears are already racing their way down my face. I am not able to notice it right away that I am already tearing up that fast coz I'm in a state of shock. At the same time, I am looking for something in my head which has led to this unexpected break up—f*ck?  "Rin I'm sorry. I really think we have to concentrate on our own businesses first and focus on ourselves,” and there I felt his voice lost interest. "Dave? We can work this out without breaking up. Please Dave?" I plead. I close my eyes and there, it is slowly sinking in me that he wants us apart. My tears are not stopping from dripping down my already wet cheeks.  "Rin we need some time apart." "Ha! Just thought about that tonight Dave? Just now when we have been together for more than a year already?" I couldn't understand what he really meant by having some time apart. We are fine! We are totally fine! Well— not now anymore that he wants to break up with me!  "Tell me. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something that offended you? I’m sorry Dave. If ever I hurt you in any way, I’m sorry okay? Please forgive me! You know I love talking and sometimes I’m unaware of stuff coming out of my mouth. I’m sorry I was insensitive. I’m sorry if—" "Erin. Stop. Please—" "Tell me! What do I need to do? Did I break your trust? Were you jealous? Who? The guy in the mall last time? I’m sorry I didn't mean to entertain him that long! He was a tourist! He asked me where were some good restaurants around the city. I just told him some good food here in our place and I promise I never had the intention of replacing you with—" "Erin! Can you please stop? Listen to me!" And there. I just have no choice but to shut the f*ck up. I know. I am frustrated. Desperate. I don’t want a break up. I just want us. Together. Fulfilling our dreams. Supporting one another. I am thinking of our own families. Just in this minute, I try to look for a good reason, regarding my relationship with his family, for him to break up with me. But there is nothing wrong I could think of! I even had a chance to bake a cake with his mom before who personally invited me. There's nothing wrong with him and my family too since we often invite Dave at home whenever we have occasions. I just— I don't get everything! I feel like the world I'm living in has exploded and a black hole is sucking up Dave away from me. How can he decide about this so sudden? It's like Im given a thousand puzzle piece and every piece just doesn't fit in. I couldn't control my tears anymore that my cry is getting louder this time. "Erin.. Baby listen to me." Baby.. Yes. That's it. That's how you should call me my piggy. "I’m sorry okay? I love you Erin. I love you so much. It’s not your fault. Let's just have our own time apart please. A time to grow, a time to mature alone, to become independent. We made our own world when we were together and I want us to explore more of what's outside of it. I’m sorry Erin. But we'll have to end it here." "And so what Erin Dawn Santos if a Dave Cruz broke up with you??" Again, it's like I woke up from another dream when I heard Jean raise her voice at me. "Okay! Let's say Dave breaking up with you is still fresh but gosh Erin! Look at yourself! You can't even put a little powder on your face! And look! You're so pale! If I don't visit you in your unit, I wouldn't know that you just slack off the entire day and eat nothing and dehydrate yourself through crying!" My hands were trembling but my fingers are now intertwined with each other. I couldn't face her coz I know, everything she just said is true. "Are you trying to even pull yourself down when your boyfriend left you to mature and become independent and be busy with his own agendas in life and be greater than how he was when with you? C’mon Erin! You're better than that! I know you are!” She strongly told me and threw her arms in the air again. Sighing, she stared at me, waiting for me to speak up. "I-I’m trying Jean. I’m trying." I couldn't even put my words together after her long sermon and just cried and cried and cried. I know I lost myself in this unexpected discouraging phase of my life and I just can't help but let myself feel the pain until I can’t feel anymore.  She lifted my chin and forced my head to face her, "Look at me," she looked into my eyes. Still feeling the drops of tears falling, I tried to smile at her. And in return, she did. "He left but it doesn't mean it’s always going to be your loss. Okay? Show me the bubbly Erin. The real funny one. Show me your strong side. Show me the better version of you after being broken. Show me you've matured into a beautiful butterfly attracting the most beautiful flowers around. Make them bloom and make them want you to land on them. Make everyone see you more radiant. Don't let your sadness dominate you. You dominate over it.”  Just as she said everything, it left me nothing to say and in return, I smiled at her wider this time. I know I've been wanting to hear these kinds of words. I just don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to find myself staring in space again crying myself out like a break up will kill me. I want to be happy. I want to be back. But this time, for real. *****