Distant Lover

“Smiling?... You’re totally weird Alicia” my colleague said to me. “Is there something wrong about it Sir Ron?” I said. “Alicia everyone here was frustrated and tense, we need to accomplished this proposal now or else we are doomed but you seemed so calm.” I just smile when I hear that and think that’s a compliment.    A productive day for me, I’ve accomplished a lot. A little stress at work but now I’m home and I can relax freely. As I sat down on the couch, I look at my phone, no message again from him. He don’t even miss me after all. I go to my room, change my clothes and lay on the bed. I look at the window, feeling empty and think that he won’t bother me anymore. The tears suddenly fall through my eyes, my emotions are             unexplainable and started crying really hard. “Why he’s doing it to me?” “What did I do wrong?” “I can’t think of anything I say that would hurt him” looking for answer in every possible reason for being so cold all of a sudden. While crying, I grabbed my phone and text him “Hi, I hope you’re okay and I missed you”. I wait for several hours but no reply coming from him. I stand up, look in the mirror and said “You look miserable now..” Teary eyed… “This girl in the mirror is not you Alicia…. What happened to you?” Almost four years ago… She remembered:   “You and me again, let’s get started” the computer and me looking at my garden language. It’s about time to study another language, It feels like I’m a stranger to myself now, hearing what I’m speaking. I had some friends here in this language site but only three of them made a difference to this life in exceptionable way. I know them in various way, here’s what happen then.    A notification pops up, Jisu wants to be your friend and I accepted it. He is from Portugal and I think he is a good person. We chatted about something, I just thought he needs some encouragement and positive words, so I did. He thank me for that, he told me that his going through tough times now and ask me if we can be friends in f*******:                  but I refuse, that cut off our communication. After that, I knew Cere from Italy, a nice person, 10 years older than me, an artist and a heart broken with a girl she knew on f*******:. I’m down hearted to his story, he wanted to learn our language and go here to find the girl she really like. Then, Royi from Russia, 22 years old, a little weird. I corrected his grammar, have a little conversation for that coz he doesn’t really introduce himself and added me afterwards.    It’s strange how I feel about Cere and Royi, I’ve got a feeling that I should consider their request to be friends on f*******:. I gave them the link of my account and have a good chat there.    Almost a year had past, I’ve teach Cere our language as long as I can and it had a huge difference, we could talk in Filipino now. But as time went by our conversation become fewer and fewer and eventually he unfriended me without any reason at all. Honestly, I feel sad, my heart hurts, I’ve lost a nice friend even for a short while of knowing each other.   Royi and I had a conversation for every day and will not talk for almost a month or two and will be chatting each other again we’ve been like this for two years and we’re still friends.    As I remember, Royi always makes me feel special, like I’m a beautiful girl, appreciates what I say and concern for me. One time, I go Island hopping with friends, post some photos on f*******: and he sees it. Message me that day saying that he wish he could travel here to experience our beautiful country and have fun with me. He wanted to walk in the shoreline with me holding hands and talk as long as we want, then have a candle light dinner in a restaurant listening to romantic songs and dance. In that moment, my heart fluttered, heart beat fast, I really like it but my mind says to me “No Alicia, you don’t even know him. How can you let it happen.” To stop myself from smiling and hoping for that wonderful date, I’ll tell him that I don’t dance and I won’t. He insist that he will pursue me to dance with him, in my mind, no you can’t push me to do that thing, both of my feet will not be interested. You stop for that day of teasing me, I win for not letting you play with my emotions.   A year had pass, our conversation are on and off and I always want to talk to you every time you message me, I can’t even stop myself from replying the moment I read it. You got me, I don’t know when it started that my heart is longing for you. Every time I talk to you my heart is at ease like you are saying that whatever the struggle I’m having it will be okay. Some days we talk for hours like we have no other things to do. There are times that my heart gets broken when you don’t even message me for days but with your one text it delighted my day. My tears fall out again and become conscious on my surroundings, it’s already 3:00 in the morning. I force myself to fall asleep for 3 hours to have an energy for work. I wake up 6 in the morning to have a quick shower, fix my hair, put some powder on my face and lipstick on my lips to conceal the sadness in my face. And tell myself “Alicia you need to forget him, he’s gone, maybe you are not really meant for each other.” I’ve become emotional again but refuse to entertain it now, “not now” I said, “I need to go to work”.   I arrive at my work at 7:50 in the morning, still have time to chit chat with my colleagues. I greeted them with a smile and go directly to my table, open my files to get started. I’m just busy with my work, my two close colleagues were talking to each other and laughing. Then, they turn to me as I was too serious on what I’m doing that I rarely do. “Are you okay?” Ms. Norma asked me, “Yeah, I’m fine, I just want to focus on this one.” the answer I tell them with a smile. “No, you’re not okay, I can see it through your eyes, what’s bothering you?” She said. “Nope, I’m really fine, my insomnia strike today, I only have 3 hours of sleep.” I lied about this, and they believe it, I think they did.    It’s lunch time, we have a time to chat while eating our foods and I just listen to their story. After I finish my lunch, I excuse myself to take a nap and they just let me. I put the earphones to my ears and listen to relaxing music and fall asleep. It energize my mind, body and soul, and have the energy I need to do my job.    Ms. Lorry, my closest colleague and a friend ask for help in her task and I willingly help her. I actually don’t know if we are working or just laughing with our nonsense conversation. We are like this for almost every day, we make the small stuff laughable and we don’t have a dull moment. I’m really happy to survive this day even though he’s still on my mind throughout the day. In my busiest time of the day, I still think and miss you more.    Then, Sir Ron noticed that there are tears coming from my eyes and asked me what’s wrong. I just told him that it was nothing, an allergy, fortunately he don’t insist why I’m crying I might broke down to tears. He just tell me that he was one call away if I need his help and I was thankful for that.   Another week have passed, I’m asking myself that maybe I could do something better. It wouldn’t be this way if only I try harder to keep our communication. Thinking about it, I think I’ve done all the things I could do to make it work and failed. I only make myself foolish for believing that he feel the same way as I am. “If you love someone, why letting them make lots of effort. If you truly love the person, you will make the same effort to be with them. Difficulty in the relationship is a must to be stronger, but it shouldn’t come to the person you love.” I’m convincing myself that it’s not love and I have to move on. I  never wish on the shooting star in the past because I think everything will be alright. But now, I will wait for the shooting star to wish upon them to heal this heart of mine. Wishing the broken pieces of yesterday will be back together and all of the hurt will be gone.