You and I

As my days slowly to creepy by myside i started to see that my life is begginign to be pointless i dont see any more spark and fun in living this life that i have . My usualy daily routine is just spending my days playing, procrastinating, eating processed foods . But at the time i cant stop i was at this feeling that i need to do this to be happy but i did not know that these habits and things are what causes my loneliness and the feeling of being alone, because my social skills really suck at the time . Because i was just playing video games i am just at this virtual world of stimulation , so when opportunities arise i dont know how to speak i dont know what to tell to other people i was just revolving around my mind thinking of many different things in short i was not present in any conversations that i am having with someone. I really lack that skill and that make me lose my friends and eventually my past relationships . This relationship that i did share with her is fun , i was just always goofing around waiting for the day to finally end , speciallly at school i was just obsessing over her i do not think about my grooming my habits my studies the only thing i care about is just being with her and that is very toxic of me but i did not realize that at first when we are just starting that relationship . Because i was just stimulated of the moment , and if i did go home i just watch 18+ plus content i just overindulged myself to this kind of pleasures . As the days go forward we finally almost reach vacation but a problem arises the pandemic started and we lack the time o being together i felt lonely i just wanted to be stimulated by her so in those days i just ask her to be with me but she responded to me badly because i really lack my self awareness at the time i was down bad , No women can i make happy at the time because i was solely focusing on getting what i want which is physical pressure and intimacy which is what i always crave for at that time But yeh going back as the days come the pandemic started . My mental health REALLY GO BAD I MEAN IT WAS SO BAD I WAS JUST PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AS SOON AS I WAKE UP watch anime if i get tired of playing i did not even brush my teeth at that time because my dopamine restors are friend i dont find pleasure in anything more i really destroyed my brain i give false accusation of girls and my realtionship so i started to have insecurities in our relationship that really did affect her at the time but i dont want to leave her because she is everythign that i have on that day . I cant even find hapiness when she's gone i am just happy when i am with her because that is all just i could ever think of. But then as those days passes my addiction to my phone just continuous and eventually she says to me that she doesnt want anymore of this she said that we already tried but nothing happens anymore in our relationship .The respect is lost and i realize that is the most important thing that u must have in any kind of relationship . You must love her for what u can give not for what u can take . You might say that she is very toxic but i was to i figured it out the saying that i always hear u attract what u are , and at the time i was just that kind of person .But i am really grateful for the relationship that i did share with her. Because i realize many things with her . When everytime she and i come into an argument i just wanted to cry i let her step on me and crush my pride i let her do that because at the time i was afraid of her leaving me alone because i was afraid of being alone , i dont see the value of my friendship at the time , i mean they are there but those days are just to messed up for me so i eventually decided to open myself to others but in the time of pandemic this is impossible because it is very hard to communicate with my friends i dont know how to move on , but then i found the online community world where i met another girl online to whom i also started to like u might call me stupid but i found genuine happiness being around her , and talking with her at this platform they called discord. we played mobile legends almost every night , i sing for her , i spend most of my days and nights with her . I started to recover to the lost i felt with my past girlfriend and even if knowing that i was not still recover at my past i still pursue my relationship with chizu that i met online . TO BE CONTINUED.