THE ART OF BETRAYAL

I woke up feeling like someone had wooken me up, and my gaze fell on my boyfriend, peacefully sleeping next to me. Watching him, I couldn't help but think how exhausted he must be, sleeping so hard, that even my movements didn't bother him. I spaced out for a few minutes thinking about my boyfriend, It's normal to be paranoid sometimes, right, if your living partner has cheated on you before? If he can't cherish the chances I gave him, I'll grab the responsibilities to take care of what should I need to protect. When the alarm clock rang, and I quickly searched for my phone to check the time - of course, it was 5:45 in the morning. I apparently woke up before our alarm clock again, which doesn't feel as normal to me as it used to. So, I got up and drank some water. I also prepared my boyfriend's work clothes so that when he wakes up, all he needs to do is shower and get dressed. After finishing my tasks, I lay down beside my peacefully sleeping boyfriend. I gazed at my boyfriend, who was fast asleep, and wondered what time he fell asleep last night. I checked my phone again, which I reach from under my boyfriend's head, and saw that it was already 6:20. Time flew by so fast; I felt like I missed him right after organizing his things. As my boyfriend stirred awake, his gaze locked onto mine, and he wrapped me in a tight hug once he recognized me. In that moment, I felt utterly safe, my focus narrowing to the sensation of his arms around me. So I hugged him back, inhaling the familiar scent of his skin, which enveloped me in a sense of comfort and tranquility, lulling me into a deeper relaxation. He ask me about the time and I whisper, "You need to wake up and take a bath because it's 6:40am." Then I laughed when he kisses me before he headed to the shower. The cycle of our love and day is the same as every day. I'm just always the one who wakes up before our alarm, but I force myself to go back to sleep because I don't want to miss his kisses before he leaves for work. We've settled into a comfortable routine: my boyfriend is dedicated to his work, which I fully support. Meanwhile, I'm busy with household chores like laundry and cleaning, cooking, and studying. Despite our hectic busy time, we can still do support each other when one of us needs help. That's really matter. Then One day, I teased him out of the blue, "You're not hiding another girlfriend from me, are you?" I wasn't sure where the joke came from, but it just slipped out. "He shouted at me, 'NO, ARE YOU BULLSHITTING ME?' He reacted with full of madness, as if he didn't love me and cared about me or never had since the day one we're both fine. I understand he's exhausted from work, and I'm just a student managing household responsibilities. But I know he's more drained than I am, so I bite my tongue and hold back tears, aware that I'm prone to tears when someone yells at me. Then one night he's sleeping beside me, I was comfortable scrolling through his phone, my fingers swiping through his messenger out of habit. Suddenly, his elbow bumped into my hand, and my fingers slipped, accidentally tapping the settings. My heart skipped a beat when I saw something that made my blood run cold - another account, one I knew all too well. The same one he'd used to manipulate me two years ago. My hands began to shake, and my mind reeled back to the memories I thought I'd left behind. I wake him up, ask him about it and he told me it was a coworker's account and he didn't know whoose account it was, because all his co-workers using his phone for work purposes. But I'm not convinced; it sounds like a weak excuse. Despite of our miscommunication and doubts, my love for him still remains, nothing changed. I won't ask for space or time to think; All I need his warmth, his touch, and his love. Even on our darkest days, I want to be with him, to hold onto him, and never let go. Because he's my anchor, my safe haven, and my forever home. As the days went by, and I felt myself drowning in despair..And couldn't help myself, but wonder, "Am I really the problem in our relationship?" I was consumed by thoughts and fears that I might be affecting my boyfriend's mental health and rest. So the best thing, I could do was pray for his happiness and peace, even if it meant sacrificing my own. For a month, I'm trying to brushed off the doubts about the account I saw on his phone. But one day, I fell asleep before him and woke up earlier than usual. The truth hit me like a ton of bricks - When I open his phone, he was indeed chatting with other women, offering them comfort and support. Meanwhile, when I cried in front of him, he'd lash out, telling me I was draining him, that I was too much to handle. His words would cut too deep, that I was too complicated. He makes me feel like I'm to blame for everything that goes wrong between us. So, I'm beginning to believe it. He's right, I don't understand myself either. I'm lost, feeling like I have no one to lean on. Then I can only do is cry, overwhelmed by emotions I struggle to express. I just watch him, thinking about everything, until the sunlight hit me, and I realized I needed to wake him up. When I woke him up, I immediately asked him, "Why?" Just as I said 'why,' he shouted at me, "For God's sake, please, not now. Why can't you just let me rest?" This time, I couldn't hold back my tears, and I speak again with tears running on my face, "How could you do that to me?" I threw his phone aside, He visibly annoyed, and sat there in silence when he realized what I meant. This is just a problem, we can still fix it, I don't want our plans to be ruined, that's why the most important thing to me is to explain everything - why he betrayed me and where I failed to be enough for him. So I stood frozen, watching him deceive me once more, without lifting a finger to gather proof of his infidelity to prove my innocence someday. So this is me again, trying to be a optimistic person. When I found out about his deception, he fell silent, and the only thing that came out of his mouth was, "This is my nature, I can't change it anymore." He then asked for space, wanting to go home and clear his head. It felt like he forgot my deepest fear - being abandoned. Maybe he forgot what I said before - that I don't want to be left behind. I don't want space because it might happen again, like last time when I gave him space for his peace of mind, but it turned out he was meeting another girl. So I refused to give him space, fearing it would only drive us further apart. Instead, I confronted him: "Did you ever love me? Or was it all just a lie to ease your guiltyness?" Then after that accident, every day feels like a piece of me is slowly fading away. The weight of my grief is crushing, and happiness seems like a distant memory. And thinking about what happen again and again, makes me feel laugh bitterly and say to myself, "My instincts and thoughts were right all along." Even my thoughts rn is like a jumbled mess, every words tangled in my mind, leaving me speechless and lost. But amidst the chaos, one thing remains clear: I tried, right? I tried everything to accept his flaws, but I'm tired. I thought our relationship is a masterpiece, painted with love and care. So I never expected our relationship will be back again where the memories of his betrayal still linger. And even the pastor of my church, was reminded me that chances are a luxury, and third chances are a gamble, but I rolled the dice again, and now I'm left with a heart full of scars and a soul consumed by fear. A harsh reminder that even the most beautiful art can have cracks. You're loosing the only piece of me that still believed in us. -end-