The Termoil between pain and bliss

~Toxi~ Pain, suffering, misery, all of it wasnt something that was horribly new to me, 29 years.. i have done nothing but suffer at the hands of others. so much so that i have turned my heart into an iceberg, well thats what i thought i had done but sadly, people always seem to weasle their ways inside and tear me apart over and over again. No, matter how hard i try to not have a bleeding heart for those in need it seems that i am to gullible for sad stories and problems that seem to cant be resolved with out some sort of finacial help. I walk through the throngs of people crowding the streets at the b**m convention being held near the city limits of Omaha Nebraska. Slavery, something that i have been subjected to since birth, always serving others and then being discarded like yesterdays trash once they have finally had their fill and could no longer find any use for her. Constantly i torment my self hoping beyond hope that she could find just one Dominate that wouldnt wish to use me for my body or my money. Eight years i have been searching but i am starting to give up on hope. I pass by crowds of Dominates with their submissives and Daddies with their littles. I wish that i could just belong, i wish that i could be free from this suffering of tirelessly looking for something that doesnt ever seem to be with in my grasp. No matter how many times i come to these things hoping beyond hope that i will find the right one for me i have always seemed to find my self into more trouble then i do in benefit. How am i to continuously go through all of my life alone, Zaraklies was gone... My child that i loved but hated at the same time. I began showing signs of being abusive and wanting to neglect him, and instead of wishing for him to suffer by my hands because i was not fit to be there for him, i fought with my self for many nights before i finally realized that me not being a part of his life was what was best for him. And, the people that were supposedly my "friends" did nothing to help me they too turned their backs on me. When i gave him up for adoption they met me with cold distain and treated me far worse then what i deserved. The memories still haunt me and i am happy that i did what i had done for him but, i am still saddened because there is now this dark void with in my heart that i am never sure if it will ever be filled. For years after i had given him to his new family i suffered in torment and when i tried to seek help from my friends they turned me away and said that i brought it upon my self. He was not the last one to end up going through the same fate of adoption. Virlex my second born, was kept from me most of the time, i bonded with him and did my best to make sure that his life was never going to be like mine or like that of his oldest brother Zaraklies.But, to my distain, he had suffered simmilar fates as i had. Suffering at the man that had tried to step up to be his father since he was born. Brutalin, the man kept my baby from me trying to force our bond to be broken, but, it was only after i left with Virlex that i had discovered that my poor sweet child was tortured and molested by the man that he had called father for 3 years. Brutalin had know that my son had issues since he was born and to think that, that Bastered would lay his hands on my child in an unloving way as to make my son " bite his angry" member as Virlex said makes my blood boil to return to the state of Arkansas and torture him the way that he had my son. Making it to where Virlex could not walk into a dark room and had horrible nightmares about the events that had happened with out my presence. My heart broke when he screamed at night and woke with tears in his eyes.. it was then that i knew that i was not what he needed just like i knew that Zaraklies did not need me and he too was put up for adoption. Time after time again i have had to sacrafice my sanity and heart in order for the ones that i love to have a better life then what i could provide them. Years of torment over what had happened with both of my children have drove me to the brink of losing the last hope i have for this humanity. I begin to believe that when i was born and when i came into this world that a Genie had asked me one question. And, that question when answered would turn into a wish. I believe that that Genie had asked me " Child i have one inquirey that i wish to ask. If you were to have a choice. would you wish to have an EXTREMELY easy young life and an EXTREMELY hard elder years. OR would you prefer to have an EXTREMELY hard young living and an EXTREMELY easy elder living.? " I must have been the dumbest person on the nether world to have chosen the hard young life and easy elder years. 29 years and it hasnt gotten any easier, none of it had, unsure of how much more of this i am able to deal with. Nothing should ever be this hard no one should have to suffer with physical, mental, emotional, or s****l abuse that I have. No one deserves it not a one, humanity has lost their minds they have turned every thing that the people do for them into s**t and nothing but horrible abuse to family and loved ones. To many people now adays take what they dont deserve and destroy every thing around them. Humans have made this world into the cruelest of place to live. And, i am scared terrifed of what would happen to the children that i had to give up and the love for them that they will probably never know. the strength it took to let them go in order for them to live greater lives. I looked every where and found a place where a man sat alone and i took my chance. I thought i would give this my best shot see if this man could help me find some one some one worth my time patience love effort and support. Hesitantly i walk towards the area the man was sitting and kneeled before him to show him my respect. "Hello, Sir." ~Rev~ I sat alone waiting, not sure for what, i had a submissive. One that i adored and loved with everything in me but sadly she had been distant and acting quite strangely lately. I watched the throngs of people moving in and out of rotation for the most part of the day some stopped by where i sat but none really stayed long. once the heard that i already had a submissive they tend to leave with out so much as a bye. Typical for the majority of the so called Submissives around this area. Flirtatious Sluts and not in the good way, none of the submissives around here seemed to be genuin any more, they only seemed to get their rocks off and then leave when the punishments came about claiming that one is too abusive and never shows enough attention. Pathetic waists of space in my opinion, seemed like humanity was all about the taking and none of the giving which really pissed me off more then anything about how the world has evolved from the dawn of time. I have sat here for eons watching as humans plunder, take, corrupt, and torment everything and everyone they ever come into contact with. I trust only a few people in this world and many seem to wish to be my enemy. None of these humans seem to see the beauty of this world that the father had given them and i have sat here for to long just serving punishments to those that i catch and as of late that seems to be Millions upon millions of humans. For as long as i have been on this earth i have sat and watched the human race belittle those that were different or gifted in many different ways that were not of this world. I have watched the salem witch trials, i have conducted many investigations of sorts to find the keys i need to begin the end of the means to these miserible humans and their twisted ways. The food that humans ate i detest most of the time very rarely do i find a meal that i do not wish to purge from my heavenly body the second i am done with it. I have seen all the lands, beautiful and grotest from the north to the south, and from coast to coasts. Nothing seems to peak my intrest and those that do never seem to live long after i have gotten to know them. But, still as i sit here i feel as though something is missing from my life, but , i can never seem to figure out what that is... i have loved ones family, few friends, grandchildren and children alike, i love them and give them every thing until they betray me then i am forced to take messures to where they are never allowed to be apart of my life or be apart of any one close to me's life. Seems that betrayal is a common thing in this time and age. Glancing through the throng of people something caught my eye, A fleeting glance of purple, and bright blue eyes that were like that of the morning sky after the sun has arisen. She was plump, round, and over weight, but, they way she walked it was as though she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and the strength she had to still walk even with that weight on her shoulders interested him most. What had surprised him the most was when she walked over and kneeled before him. "Hello, Sir." her voice was sweet to his ears and he eyed her thoughtfully. He nodded to the girl in greeting as she kneeled before him he noticed that her eyes were down casted and she had mannors that not many humans in this world share. "Hello, What brings you here.?" he asked in a low tone as he skimmed his eyes down over the girl from head to toe. "this one is seeking a Dominate Sir, and she was wondering if You would be able to point her in the right direction.?" she said in third person. Which fasinated him, she had manors, kept her eyes low, and knew who was dominate.. she was obviously well trained and her edicate was well placed. "You may sit here and wait to see if one will show up, but, i am taken and have my own Little right now and am not looking for anything else." he said knowing that this is usually the time that they say 'oh ok.' and stand and leave. "Thank you Sir, this one is grateful to You for letting her wait and see if any Dominates come by." she says softly her head still down. Surprised by her answer he watched her as she stood and moved to another pillow keeping her head down and her back to him. 'She isnt leaving. That is different.' I thought to myself as i watched over her. Dominate after Dominate walked by glanced at her and then left just as soon as they came. I could tell that she was loosing hope and that she was feeling discouraged that none of the Dominates seemed to want her. And, those that sat there and started talking to her only seemed to have wanted one thing from her, and we can all guess what that could be. So I decided that I would ask her some questions. I started off with the basics on which role she took in the b**m community and what she was seeking. They all seemed to be legitamite answers, she wanted a Dom to want her for more then just a s*x slave and that she wished to be able to serve them to the best of her abilities and to be accepted for who she was and not what she could do. After a few minutes of me asking the girl some questions, he heard a harsh voice come through to him. "Daddy!! who is this person and why is she even here.?" My sub Rain had asked in a snide tone and as she did I saw the girls shoulders sag even farther down then where she was before. I turned to my sub looking at her evenly and smiled welcoming her back to where i was. " Hello baby girl, she is sitting here waiting to see if a Dom will come by and accept her and take her in." I inform my sub as i see her walk towards me and give the girl a cold look. "Oh? you two have been talking?" My sub asked jealousy filling her tone as she spoke to me. Why is she suddenly so jealous when she has been so distant and cold to me before. What is going through her mind and what on earth possessed her to be so cruel and judgmental of a woman she barely knew. ~Toxi~ I kept my head down and bowed low before the woman that called the man she had talked to earlier 'Daddy' so that is his sub. i thought to my self, as i sat there still bowed low. "Hello Miss. this one is just seeking to find a dom and a place to belong He has said that i may sit here until one comes along. " I say politely knowing that i have no ground here in this particular area. The woman sneers at me and begins to grill me and interview me asking me the same questions that her Dom had asked me and more. I answered every question honestly and truthfully, After a series of questions and answers she smiles and looks at me for some reason i dont like the way that she looks at me and i wish that she would just ignore me like every one else seems to do. "Im impressed" she says to her Dom and brightens up. Even though she was smiling I could tell it was an illusion and that there was something deep down in the meaning of her smile. The woman encouraged me to keep coming back for a few days and says that she thinks i would fit in just fine with her and her friends and her dom.. That was all well and good but my funds are running low and i dont really have much of transportation i realize. its either i find a Dom today or i will never find any one to accept me. My heart ached at the thought of my chances slipping away, of how i may never get what i have been craving for my whole life. What will i do. I sadly ask my self and sigh sadly. The woman gets up smiling and comes over to me.She places her hand against my shoulder and it was soft and felt kind but i kept having this terrible feeling. " Why dont you be my submissive.?" the woman asks. I became completely confused, this woman had a Dominate but yet she was bold enough to ask another person to be hers while her Daddy was right there? What is wrong with this woman, how could she blatently disrespect her Daddy Dom like that. I look at her respectfully and then turn to the man. "Miss you have a Dom you should discuss it over with Him before you decide to just take on a sub." I say softly knowing well enough that i personally do not wish to be sentenced to a poly b**m relationship. My own prefferences is that i do my utmost to stay as far from those kinds of relationships as best as possible. They have never worked well for me not that i wouldnt mind trying it again since i will be under a female Dominate but that doesnt mean that anything will go easily just because of that. "There are forces at work here that i have no control over girl." the man speaks up and a shiver runs down my spin. What on earth could he mean by that, the supernatural part of it didnt go over my head or even lose its meaning to me. I get that there is something here that is at work but, am i truly meant to be in a poly b**m relationship with this man and his sub who would in turn be my Domme.? Yes, i may be bisexual but i tend to prefer the company of a male more so then a female. What is this womans gain by doing this. I turn back to look at the Miss before me confusion in my thoughts but my face was calm and collected. "This one supposes she could give it a shot Miss." i say softly, not fully aware of what was instore for me through the months that i would be with her and how things were going to go. The woman smiles and walks back to her Dom and sits on his lap. She motions for me to come to her and having been trained some what i know that not every Dom wishes for you to stand and walk to them. Plus the fact that i was on my knees already and being a hefty woman getting up isnt nesicaraly difficult but quite embarassing specially when there is an attractive man around and not exactly something i wish to do in front of him. So instead i slowly crawl over to her and kneel at her feet keeping my head down as to not show any disrespect towards her. Out of the corner of my down casted eyes i saw an equally handsome man approach us and come to sit on the chairs next to my now Miss and her Dom. The woman smiled happily and brightened up immidiately as she looked at him. She greeted him and was flirtatious with him as he sat with us which her Dom didnt seem to mind but i wondered if it was a facade or if he truly didnt care. Not that any sub should have any ill feelings towards or against their Dom or Domme but something wasnt sitting right with me at this moment. Did my Miss think that this was a game and nothing more then some form of a LARPING session one to act out their fantasies and then to go on about living their life like what they do has no affect on the other person that they are doing it to.? What on earth could be going on and i hope that i am not going to end up getting caught up in the mix of things cause if so i could be in sever trouble. And, quite frankly i wouldnt be a hundred percent sure how i am going to finagle my way out of this one if i am in some deep s**t. What i will do is just go at this as slowly as possible and keep my gaurd up and be as open about it as possible. This is a new sort of territory that i am stepping into with the poly side and i wish not to up set any balance they may have. My Miss introduces me to her friend and we all talked for a bit until it started to get dark out. Me being the sub i am not able to leave unless given consent to leave or until my Domme leaves. Shortly after 5:30 pm the b**m community decided to start wraping things up so every one can return to their respectable lives. My Miss stands up and leaves first giving her Daddy Dom a kiss and a hug good bye and left. i my self stood up after she had dispersed and began to walk towards the exit of the grounds. "Hey girl." i heard the man that i met earlier with his Sub who is now my Miss call for me. I stop and turn around lowering my head so to not look at him or seem rude. "Yes, Sir?" i politely replied to him as he came walking up to me. He stopped a few feet in front of where i was and looked over me. "What is your name little one?" he asked softly his tone not as harsh as it had seemed causing me to relax a bit and i bow low. "This ones name is Toxi, Sir." i reply and smile happy to know that he has an interest in wanting to get to know me. I know that i wouldnt be able to have any relationship with him other then a friend ship but since i am his Subs , sub i might as well play nice and get to know him too and become friends with him so that way things are not going to always be awkward between us. "Toxi huh, well it is a pleasure to know your name and to meet you Toxi. I am Rev, maybe one day we can sit and hang out and become friends." he says to me. My heart skips slightly in my chest at hearing him willingly offer to try and become my friend that would be great. To finally have a friend in this world that i wouldnt feel is trying to use me in some form or another to get something from me that would only benefit him. But, at the same time my brain made me feel scared, scared that he would be just like the others just like every one else in this world that i dispies and wish would just drop off the planet and sink into some oblivion. "This one would be honored if you would be so gracious to do that Sir Rev." i respond nervously not quite sure what is or is not going to happen in this relationship but i truly do hope that we can be great friends and maybe figure out how this will or will not work. I find a piece of paper which was simply just an unused napkin on the ground and ask him if he so happens to have a pen. When he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pen i gently take it from him making sure we dont touch fingers and write it down on the napkin. I tell him as i hand him the napkin that if he ever wishes to meet up to give me a call and i will get there to the best of my abilities. When he nodded his agreement i bowed again and turned away walking out of the convention hall to go about my life. Well what ever life that really was..