Please Love Me Or Leave Me Alone...

Hi my name is Bianca . To save face of some whom I intend to include in this autobiography , I don't want to tarnish anyone's character... I have wanted to write and publish my story for sometime ... In hopes of helping and empowering another human being to get out of an about abusive , controlling , and deadend relationship ! I am 45 years old an spent half if my life in the bottom of a bottle ! Now I pray everyday , that the next part of my life isn't going to b spent withering away , feeling sorry for myself , stuck in yet another addiction ! Drugs ! That's what I know in life , I also know that there are better ways to cope w the things I've been through ! The time has come for me to Stop being a victim and start living like a survivor... We can all agree that in this life you either get busy living or get busy dying . I am ready to live , I need and want my daughter in my life ... I have alot of time to make up for... I was ripped from her life , just as our relationship and bonding began .. I was all she knew and she was all I needed to know ! Lil Bianca is what will call her . My beautiful baby girl , her abusive father had me ripped from her life at the young age of three yrs old ! One moment I was in midst of planning her four yr old birthday party , and like a punch in the gut I was standing in front of a call me please judge waiting to be indicted on a felony 5 domestic violence for beating up a man!!! This is the same man that mentally physically and emotionally tore me down for 10 years!!! I prayed every day that he would change or that I could fix him so he could learn how to love how me and his daughter deserve to be loved and needed to be loved !!! instead I was sitting at a jail cell for 12 months waiting to go to prison!!! I had spent the last 8 years trying to be someone I wasn't , someone he wanted me to be . In that time I didn't realize the fact , in doing that , I had actually lost who I was ultimately . It's a horrific feeling the lose who u are . It's something you must overcome if you want to get back to ever being u , and even once you've done that you come to realize , you will never be the same person you were going into the relationship as you were going out ! It's an extremely lonely , empty , lost feeling , a dreadful feeling noone should ever have to endure . In the midst of all this going on I tell , my now daughters father of my suspicions that I may be pregnant! Right away he questioned wether or not he was the father , only because he was with his last girlfriend for 7 years an she never got pregnant . Also at this critical point in my life my abusive mother it in his head aps he wasn't the father ... Just hateful , and mean .... She wanted more drama and she wanted him to doubt me .Until this day I can't tell you why ! I believe she was jealous of the home we bought , and the fact that our relationship had really started to take off for the best .... Sh couldn't stand to t due to the fact of her own unhappiness . Do to her own demise she wanted her girls miserable too . In their relationships . Neve a nice , loving , kind word about our homes we had both established at the time ! It was always some kind of ignorant , ugliness that she portrayed . Wether it was about us as mothers , or our homes or how we kept them . All these things she will never be accountable for . So sickening that she won't even acknowledge that she did very wrong for both her daughters , an the this day still reeking havoc , in calling my sister ugly and dismissing me because of a disease brought on by my father and her . No they both take the easy way out , bye refusing to be any type of blame do to their own no ignorances ! So now I am on my way to the penitentiary for this alleged felony 4 domestic violence charge and torn from my whole heart my daughter and our home ! On my way to being held from her for the next 18 months do to the conviction !!! I was so shocked I felt my knees almost cave in and buckle ! I was absolutely mortified that this judge had thrown my daughter along with my next 18 months down the drain ... It was the coldest , loneliest , sadest the me to believe not only for me but for my beautiful little girl ! Whom I can't register the fact she was being told bye her father's mom (grama) that I didn't love her and I'd rather do drugs them be with her !!! I was literally crushed and I'll couldn't fathom the fact of where it put my sweet innocent , beautiful lil girls mind !!! I began to see it in her In pics I was sent and letters the grama would send ! I have never been the same person cuz of this either. , sadly nor was my daughter ! Where as she meone should have been there telling her the truth , truth on how much I love and adored her from the very beginning . How her mamas heart would break at just the slightest cry , and I'd have the hold her all day and most nights all night to keep her from crying ! But I loved her even more for this !!! I loved being her mom , I wasn't sure exactly what I was doing all the time , but I read every parent magazine , I also asked the answers to the questions I didn't know ! I was so scared toward my delivery date as it was coming closer and closer . As bad as I wanted to just have her , I was worried to death ! I believe all new mothers are full of anxiety . Things like , 'l hope my baby is a boy or a girl '? , "What if my baby is ugly to me "? ''What if my baby doesn't like me " ? " What if her dad doesn't love us "? "What if our baby is ugly "? As your mind is going through these questions that's when the miracle of having a child kicks in , you realize that none of these stupid things matter , you pray for your baby to be healthy ! My daughter was absolutely perfect from day one ... Bright blue eyes , 21 inches long , and a small weight of only 6 lbs 9 ozs.she was perfect and thank God healthy ... Perfect in all ways any parent could hope .. Now our baby is finally here , I already had all her bouncers put together... Her grama j and I had her room painted pink for her , and I was blessed w a huge turnout for her baby shower that my mother and her dad's mom threw for me ... I was so happy