So Far From I Expected

11

We sat around the small table eating our Sunday tea on a Monday when Papa informed us he had had a visitor. The Lord had informed him that Mr Desala’s offer was an honest one; apparently he had approached Lord Tumlus to ask his permission to offer our family a passage to Junaath.

Mama looked cross again, ‘We are not going Jonah and that is the end of it. If you want to go that’s grand but the children and I are staying here.’ She stood up and refilled her cup from the kettle on the fireplace.

I didn’t want to listen to Mama and Papa argue again, ‘Papa I’m going for a walk. There’s a few girls doing flowers for the graves at Mrs O’Driscoll’s I might go there. ‘

Before they had the chance to respond I was out the door. ‘Now where?’ I thought. I found myself walking towards the barns. I always felt comforted by the animals and I suppose that’s what I wanted, comfort.

The noise of the cows and the sheep in the night air became louder as I approached the tall wooden structure. The smell of hay was getting stronger as I opened the door. I was met by the sight of horses rather than my expected cows and sheep. I laughed remembering Papa’s ranting about the horses getting loose; they must have moved them only that day.

I closed the bottom of the door and let the moon light in through the top. I smoothed the nose of the closest mare and sang softly the songs Mr Avital had taught me years before. I moved from one horse to another smoothing their noses. I didn’t notice I had an audience at the door of the barn.

When I looked up as the light seemed to have dimmed, he was there, Mr Desala.

‘Mr Desala, what are you doing here?’ He opened the door and walked slowly towards me. He hung his hat on a post and ran his fingers through his soft black hair. ‘Call me Theodore, please.’ His voice caused butterflies in my stomach and he was getting closer. Before I knew it he was as close as only he had ever been before.

I could see the small stubble on his upper lip and feel his breath as he stood in front of me. ‘I came to see the horses; I grew up playing in the stables at home.’ I was hardly listening to him; I could see my reflection in his eyes and noticed that his lips had moved. His left hand brushed my cheek and I felt my insides quicken. Heat travelled through me and my breath caught in my throat. A small squeak escaped my lips and felt him move even closer to me.

‘Theodore.’ His name had been on the tip of my tongue and I couldn’t hold it back any more. My right hand rested on his chest and I could feel his heart beating. He was moving closer, any more and his body would be touching mine.

‘I’m going to kiss you Caireann’ he whispered. My eyes open wide, I gasped and my insides clenched. Before I had time to respond his lips were on mine, soft, warm, sweet lips kissing me. I felt myself reacting to him, kissing him back, my had moved up his chest to his cheek and rested the other on his waist. He pulled my body against his; I thought my knees were going to give way as a heat and pressure developed low in my belly and between my legs.

His kisses grew more urgent and I felt his tongue gently lick my lip; my knees gave way and he was holding me up but he continued to kiss me. My fingers were in his hair and I was meeting him kiss for kiss. A moan escaped my lips and he only held me tighter.

I had never experienced feelings like this before, I wanted to unbutton his blazer and unlace his shirt. I wanted his skin next to mine and to satisfy this burning that was building higher and higher throughout my body.

Our kisses began to slow; he continued to hold me close. I was glad as I’m certain that I would have landed on the straw in the barn. ‘You said my name.’ he whispered. His face was flushed, his eyes burned into mine and he looked utterly tormented.

My voice was a quiet whisper, ‘You told me to.’

His eyes brightened and he loosened his grip on my waist. ‘You are so beautiful Caireann. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop myself, I needed to feel your lips.’

I smiled at him embarrassed and nervous, ‘I wasn’t expecting you to apologise for kissing me. It was, it was lovely.’ His hand cupped my face again, ‘I still shouldn’t have done it. It was inappropriate. But I couldn't stop myself.’

I felt my cheeks blush under his hand, I couldn’t believe him when he said I was beautiful; especially now. ‘I’m not beautiful Theodore. I’m nothing like the beautiful women you must see every day. My hair is all over the place, I have coal dust all over me, my clothes are old and patched, there’s’ he put his finger on my lip and stopped my protesting.

‘Clothes, and perfect hair, is that all you think I see? The coal dust suits you and your hair is perfect. I could tell that even when you were merely a child, I suppose I was a child then too. I was seventeen that day, I’m not an old man I’m only twenty.’ I laughed openly at him telling me his age, ‘Why does that matter? I’m seventeen now! What does age matter then or now?’

Theodore’s smile was the widest I’d ever seen, ‘Your laugh is a wonderful sound Caireann! I wish I could hear it more often. Age doesn’t matter I just wanted to be sure you know I’m not old.’ I still struggled to understand why he thought that mattered.

He laid his coat on the straw and pulled me onto the floor of the barn with him. We sat together and talked in the moonlight, we talked about his family and his childhood. He told me about Junaath and his business with Lord Tumlus. We spoke about Mama and Papa, about Frankie, the twins and Tommy. He was impressed to hear I could read and write but seemed sad that I’d never been to school.

So much time passed, the moon had moved across the sky and the horses had been sleeping for a while.

‘Theodore, I should go, Mama and Papa will be furious that I’m not back yet.’ He pulled me into his lap and kissed me softly. I embraced his shoulders and kissed him back, hoping I would see him again.

A familiar sound of footsteps with a drag on stone moved closer and closer. I pulled away from Theodore and brushed the straw from my skirt. ‘Caireann, get out here now!’

It was Mr Avital, his head popped over the barn door and his eyes were twinkling. ‘Your father has the village looking for you, Caireann! They didn’t waken me but I heard the fuss, he doesn’t know that I’ve come looking for you, so come now with me and we will get you home without trouble! They’ll not be worried if they think you’ve been with me. Come now quick! You, boy! Get back to town, come see me tomorrow! I hope you haven’t got my girl here into trouble!’

I followed Mr Avital out of the barn leaving Theodore standing in the straw with a lopsided smile.