So Far From I Expected

18

Marry me? Was he serious? Mama’s mouth was open and Papa coughed on his ale.

‘It upsets me Mrs Black that you think I would use your daughter as a a mistress. She is worth so much more than that.’ Theodore’s face was stern, his eyes moved from Mama to Papa, almost telling them off.

Tommy stirred and I rushed to lift him, needed to think about what had just been said. Marry Theodore? I hadn’t really let myself consider that as an option. How would it work – I would have to go to Junaath. I turned around quickly making the three of them look up at me.

‘But that means, well if you, Theodore,’ he smiled after I said his name, ‘but Junaath. I would be going to Junaath on my own.’

Mama pursed her lips together and Papa shook his head. Theodore turned his whole body to face me, ‘I’ll be there.’ His voice was small and sad.

Mama took Tommy from me and Theodore took my hands. Mama's voice was soft and kind, ‘Caireann, I can’t go to Junaath. I love my little life here, Granny is here and I’m happy with my life. Although your Papa would love to go to Junaath, he is happy here. He would want to come back. And poor Granny, who’d look after her and she surely couldn’t travel all that way. You do need to be honest with yourself, you will be all alone in a strange country and you won’t have the option of just coming back.’

I felt so conflicted. In two days my life had gone from simple and predictable to something I could never have even imagined. I was so happy that Theodore had developed this love for me, he wanted to marry me, but Mama was right when she said her life was in Tynaia. So far, so was mine. The twins and Tommy, even Frankie was there. She was right about Papa too and of course Granny; even Mr Avital. As much as I wanted Theodore, I didn’t really know him.

‘Caireann, pet come here.’ Papa had stood up and opened is arms. I went to him and he held me tight. ‘Whatever you decide, your mother and I will support you. I need to fill your mother in on all the details but she will understand, she just wants you to be happy. Even though the way she’s behaving wouldn’t let anyone know that!’ He whispered the last sentence and squeezed me tight.

‘Mr and Mrs Black, Caireann,’ Theodore looked at me, almost begging me to believe him. ‘I really do love you; I am only here for another three weeks. After that I don’t know when I will be back. Please, allow me to spend time with you, to show you that you won’t be all alone, that I will be enough for you. If you aren’t happy by then I, I’ll well I don’t know what but, please; at least give me a chance.’

‘Mr Desala, my daughter has a lot to think about, please leave. She can come and visit you tomorrow.’ Mama was insisting on being unpleasant. What was her problem? Theodore kissed my cheek and shook Papa’s hand; Mama refused to look at him but thanked him again for her gift.

I stared into the fire from the rocking chair, the flames licking the chimney, rocking back and forth, back and forth whilst Mama and Papa moved the twins onto the floor and wrapped them up warm. I could hear them talking to me but the words made no sense and I didn’t want to try to hear them.

I don’t know how long I sat there, Mama and Papa were both asleep and the flames had died to embers. The events of tonight swirled around me, Junaath, marriage, no Mama and Papa, no twins, no Tommy. No Home. No Tynaia for months, maybe years.

Tears welled up in my eyes, it was cold in the cottage but all I could feel was heat, it surrounded me, stifled me; I couldn’t breathe.

Before I knew it I was outside, gulping down the cold air. I walked towards the barns, not wanting to see anyone but hoping to find some help.

As I neared the barn I heard the horses whinny and changed my mind. They made me think of Theodore in a romantic way and I needed to be practical. I turned on my heel and walked, I couldn’t figure out where I was going but I walked and walked, head down and shawl tightly wrapped round me; I found myself outside Granny’s door.

There were lights on and the chimney smoking. I knocked lightly on the door, ‘Granny, its Caireann,’ I said softly and opened the door. She was sitting on the rocker by the fire, her fingers nimbly knitting a cardigan for one of the neighbour’s children no doubt.

‘Caireann, why are you here pet its past midnight! Your father will be furious!’

I prodded the fire and sat at her feet, ‘Oh Granny, Granny I don’t know what to do! I’m all mixed up and I have no idea what to do! Mama hates it, Papa’s being supportive but I can’t read him! The twins, Tommy, you! I don’t know what I should do!’

Granny smiled and her eyes twinkled, ‘Awk child, would you calm yourself, what are you even rambling about? Make some tea now; there’s brandy in the larder, pour some of that in and save the milk.’ I did as I was told and she watched me closely.

I poured a little brandy in each cup and put one beside Granny and sat back at her feet. ‘Tell me everything, everything mind, don’t leave anything out.’

She laid her knitting in her lap and supped her tea while she listened. A tear escaped her eye when I spoke of Frankie; she smiled when I mentioned the feather. Her eyes widened and her smile broadened when I spoke of Theodore’s touch and how he made me feel.

Her breath caught in her throat when I told her Theodore wanted to marry me. I began to cry as I explained how Mama was behaving; I told her how I couldn’t understand how she was being mean to Theodore.

My body wracked with sobs as I explained my dilemma, did I go, or did I stay? ‘Do I leave everything I’ve ever known for a man who is the opposite of everything I’ve ever known? A man I met two days ago? Or do I stay and marry Tomin or Ciaran and just do what’s expected of me?’

I looked up and Granny, tears trickled down her cheeks; her hand cupped me face and she kissed my forehead. ‘Aw pet! My beautiful Caireann, you go and you see this boy today. You put on your Sunday dress and you comb your hair. You wear that silver ribbon in your hair and you have fun! Don’t you worry about all of this, you enjoy it! Before Christmas you’ll know what you want! And don’t you worry about your Mama, I’ll sort her out!’

I stayed at Granny’s that night, I curled up beside her on the bed and made her breakfast the next morning before heading out into the cold to home.

Mama was making porridge when I walked in; she looked me up and down disapprovingly. ‘Oh so you’ve come home. You were out all night Caireann, you can’t expect me to believe you weren’t out with your legs open this time.’ I shook my head and knelt with the boys on the floor to play with the puppies.

Papa kissed the top of my head as he walked out the door, ‘Have fun today Caireann, don’t forget to send message if you are going to be late.’ I smiled up at him, so glad that I was getting support from at least one of my parents.

Mama gathered up the twins and hurried out the door with Tommy early. As she left she made a comment about my not seeing Granny, if only she knew.