Between Love and Hate

A Hundred Reasons

*Violet's POV*

When Kane drives away I feel like I’ve lost something I never really had in the first place. I head up to my room and find Stella lying on her bed watching a show on her laptop.

She sits up in bed aggressively and says, “Girl, tell me EVERYTHING about this weekend! I saw your post on insta and you seriously need to take me to that club.”

I tell her all of the parts that don’t involve Kane and then we proceed to watch a movie together before going to dinner. After dinner she tells me there’s a party at one of the frat houses (not Kane’s) but I tell her that I’m pretty tired out from the drive and that I wanna be functioning properly for my classes tomorrow.

As she’s getting ready, I see that it’s 7 so I facetime Jace. He picks up quickly and I see him lying on his stomach on his bed.

“Hey Vi.”

“Hey,” I reply awkwardly.

“I’m sorry about my reaction earlier. I guess I just, I dunno. When I saw that picture of you looking so happy and confident and wearing clothes I never thought you would in a million years, I felt like you didn’t need me anymore.”

“Jace, it doesn’t matter if I need you. What matters is that I love you.”

He pauses for a bit before saying, “You’re right. I guess I just liked that you needed me because now that it seems like you don’t, I’m scared that you’ll leave me.”

I’m momentarily rendered speechless and then reply, “So, you would prefer I was dependent on you?”

“No, that’s not what I meant, Violet.”

“Then what did you mean?”

He sighs and runs a hand through his hair before saying, “I don’t know. This is all so new for me. Our dynamic is shifting after years of being the same and I guess the change is harder for me than I thought it would be. I always knew this would happen at some point, though. I just thought I was more prepared.”

“What are you saying?”

“Just that I’m going through a bit of an adjustment period. It would really be easier if I could be with you. I wanna hold you Vi.”

“I want you to hold me,” I reply, even though I feel guilty saying all these words to him after what happened with Kane. “How about I come visit you this weekend?” I suggest.

“I would love that,” he replies as his blue eyes crinkle up with his smile. God he’s adorable. Once again, the nagging guilt starts to creep up my spine.

“Alright, well, I have to get ready for classes tomorrow so I should go. I’ll see you Friday?”

“Of course. I can’t wait. Love you Vi.”

“I love you too Jace,” I reply and then end the call. I really do love him. It’s not a lie. And I have a hundred reasons why I do and why it makes sense.

I look over and see Stella putting on some jewellery. She informs me that she’s headed out to go to the party with some of the other girls from our floor and I proceed to watch several Nicholas Sparks’s books-turned-movies in a row and pretend the tears I’m crying are for the movies.

It’s a good thing I pre-set an alarm because I fall asleep halfway through one of the movies.

When I wake up the next day, I find Stella’s bed empty and I can only assume she found a guy to occupy her night. I shower and get ready and then head to breakfast before I make it to my first class 15 minutes early.

The day passes by extremely slow because we did no actual learning. Basically every prof just handed out the syllabus.

In fact, the entire week passes by very slowly and very dully. I find it very difficult to concentrate on anything. Even in therapy on Wednesday I wasn’t really there. Obviously I was physically there, but mentally I was pretty checked out.

My thoughts drift to Kane more often than they should and each time I have to force myself to shut it down.

By the time Friday rolls around, I’m so eager to see Jace that the second class lets out, I hurry back to the dorm and grab my bag. It’s still too early for dinner but it’s only a 45 minute drive to UMass so I figure I’ll head there and Jace and I can grab dinner together.

I hug Stella and then head down to my car, throw my bag in the back and start driving. When I reach Jace’s frat house, the outside reminds me of Kane’s place. I shove that thought down and then knock on the door. Some guy with short brown hair answers the door and I say, “Hi, I’m looking for Jace.”

Just as I finish my sentence, I see Jace bounding down the stairs behind the guy in front of me and he pushes him to the side, wraps his arms around my waist and picks me up. I squeal a little and instinctively wrap my legs around his waist.

“I missed you,” he says, squeezing me tight.

“I missed you too,” I say, burying my face in the crook of his neck. His scent instantly makes me feel at home even though I’ve only ever been here once before.

He puts me down and then says, “Did you eat?”

“No, I came here right from class. I figured we could eat together,” I tell him.

“Good idea. Let’s go.”

He picks a casual restaurant so I don’t have to change out of my jeans and t-shirt. I wrap my plaid shirt around my waist just in case. We get seated across from each other at a little two person table. We order our food and while we wait, he asks me about the first week of classes and after the food comes he says,

“Look, Vi, about what we discussed last weekend, I really am sorry for how I reacted.”

“It’s okay Jace. I’ve actually been thinking about that a lot and I get it. I mean, I kind of went through that same thing back in tenth grade. I just kept wondering when you would realize that you were too good for me. And I didn’t have to go through it and live 45 minutes away and go to a different school.”

“You never told me you felt that way,” he says, concerned.

“I know. But it was one of my most frequent topics of discussion with my therapist. She helped me sort through it all,” I tell him.

“Vi, you know you can talk to me about those things right?”

“I know I can,” I say, reaching across and placing my hand in his. His thumb gently draws circles around the back of my hand and I look into his bright blue eyes and say, “I love you.”

“I love you too Vi.”

After we finish eating, we head back to the frat house. He leads me straight up to his room, ignoring all of the other frat brothers who attempt to get his attention. He sets my bag down on the floor and then grabs my waist and pulls me towards the bed. He sits on the edge and pulls me on top of him.

I never had anything to compare it to before but now the lack of spark and tingles as his hand makes its way under my shirt to trail along the bare skin of my back is so noticeable. I lean down to kiss him, and don’t get me wrong, it feels good; it just doesn’t feel like the uncontrollable wildfire I felt with Kane. No. Stop Violet. This is not healthy. I love Jace. I love Jace. I love Jace. I repeat the words over and over in my head as I kiss him.

He rolls us over so that I’m on my back and then slides my jeans down my legs before dropping them on the floor. He removes his own pants too before he gently slides into me as he kisses my lips.

Until last weekend, I didn’t know how much pleasure I was able to experience and now that I know, I understand just how underwhelming this is. As he gently moves in and out of me, I close my eyes and begin to picture Kane’s fingers on me. It helps a little and I start to move my hips with him, attempting to get the same sensation as Saturday.

He suddenly stops moving and groans out my name. He pulls out of me, places a gently kiss on my lips. I lie there and look up at the ceiling for a few seconds before I get up, put my pants back on and follow Jace to the bathroom.

We both brush our teeth and head back to his room and then crawl into bed. He lies down beside me and pulls me into him. He then opens up his laptop and picks a movie for us to watch. He chooses a romantic comedy and it warms my heart that he picked that because I know for a fact he’s not a fan of these movies. But then I am once again reminded of how shitty of a girlfriend I am compared to how incredible he is.