SWEET CONFUSIONS

CHAPTER 8

    Whenever we start in a relationship, most often we experience: Can’t eat can’t sleep, and can’t get anything finished because you only think of that one person. It’s an amazing feeling and it will be the end of my career. Is it love or just lust? I have s*x in the brain. Love is life. When people choose love they always choose right?

    Love shines and illuminates our lives. I have loved but not loved back. I am still hurting from my first love. People we love encourage us to live in love and guide us to the direction that we are headed. When people shows their love it reflects how you should be an example for love. I guess I was traumatized by James. He cut my heart. It’s difficult to accept that people truly loves you with trust issues like mine.

    My excess baggage hinders me to feel love again. My friends believe that I will find the love that I yearn to have. I should believe it too, but in my mind I only believe of failures. When it comes to love I have a saying “lower your expectations, that way you will not be hurt.”

    Soul mates have existed for as long as human kind has. Our goal in life is to find our other half. Being single is a bad thing? Well my mom and aunts always push me to find Prince Charming. Romantic compatibility sets me of a coping mechanism but not satisfying.

One of my aunts signed me up on dating apps without my knowledge, I would get calls and messages from random guys (Most are perverted old men. Yuck!) I told her I appreciate their help on finding someone but I can do it on my own time. Eventually, I had to change my mobile number. Too much too many calls on my personal number. 20% of the calls were heavy breathing. People butt calls by accident, don't they?

 “Ms. Whitfield?” I could hear somebody say my name. I was in the middle of my thoughts. I heard my name again, “Ms. Whitfield?”

“Yes?” I answered, "Mr. Director this s a surprise. Good morning."

"Good morning Ms. Whitfield. I was just passing by. I heard our featured top model had an accident?"

"We had last minute replacements." glancing at Sebastian looking natural under the lights.

"Who?” I heard the photographer asking for a 15 minute break to retouch?

"He's a retired model. Let me introduce you." walking towards Sebastian in his chair the hair dresser recombine the loose hair from his sideburns and the nape, while the makeup artist blotching sweat and oil from his face, reapplying makeup to his face. Stopping just in front of Sebastian.

"Mr. Director this is the elusive Mr. Sebastian Monroe. Mr. Sebastian Monroe was very gracious on a comeback from his retirement from modelling."

"Sebastian Monroe? Fox!" Mr. Director blurted out 'Fox' all of a sudden that turned heads towards us.

"Fox?" I was curious.

"That was my nickname before. Originally it was ‘Stone Fox’ and eventually ‘Stone’ was dropped and ‘Fox’ stuck with me." Sebastian explained while Mr. Director looked like he found a new idea for a project.

“I’m a big fan. I didn’t know you decided to come back to modelling.”

“I wasn’t. But I couldn’t say no to this lovely young lady here.”

“I couldn’t either. She’s very persuasive.” Huffing a breath Mr. Director looked at his watch, “Well, I was just passing by. And it seems like you are all going to start again. Mr. Monroe. Ms. Whitfield.” He was about to leave when he came back, “Mr. Monroe, I am inviting you to our Male Model Fashion Charity Event, it’s this Friday. My secretary will be sending you a formal invitation. I’m happy that we met Mr. Fox. See you both soon.” He strides out the door, leaving us to ourselves. I checked myself on the mirror. Sebastian was sitting still on his chair, with his hand resting on the arm chair.

“Would you care for a little ice cream later?” his eyes fixed on me.

“Of course, Mr. Fox.” I turn around to smile at him.

“I want to kiss you.” His eyes was looking at eyes and my lips.

“Not at work.” I patted his right hand. His hand now palm up, holding mine. His thumb rubbing at the back of my hand. The small gesture made me h0rny all of a sudden. “Stop, pouting. I promise to give you lots of kisses later.” My knees was about to weaken, when the director shouted for everybody to comeback on set.

“I’m looking forward to that.” He stood up towering over me. He was looking at me with intense captivating me with his eyes and sly smile.

Everybody was having a nice time at the set. The music did set the mood. Sebastian was having fun with the photoshoot. Even the photographer was smiling, and he never smiles. Usually we would have retakes after every session. First time I heard the Photographer said that it was a wrap. We were done 2 hours earlier than expected.

“We’re going to get ice cream now?”

“You sound like a little kid.” Smirking at him and scrolling for Jessica’s number, “I just have to call Jessica.” my phone on my ear. When Sebastian bends down on my level.

“I can’t help it. My mind was fixed with ice cream... and your kisses.” He whisper on my ear slightly kissing my earlobe with the side of his lips. Making me blush from head to toe.

“Hello, Boss?” I could hear Jessica on the other end of the call. “Boss, you okay? Hello?” I didn’t say anything. I was still in a state of shock from that tiny brush of kiss. Clearing my throat, shaking my head to focus.

“Jessica, I’ll be out of the office. I’ll be back by 1:00 p.m.”

“Yes, Boss.”

They say you can never live without dying a little bit (Deadpool 2).

Life has a way of making your dreams come true.

I have to make myself happy first to be really in a real relationship. I was terrified I didn’t know myself, I’m seeing myself constantly seeking validation from men that I’ve lost myself entirely. My insecurity is that I’m not worth to be loved. I would hide myself disguised by my own self perfection. I am terrified to show my flaws to my friends, my family, and even the world. I have been fixing everybody else but not me. I’m broken and unfixable. I discovered that nobody wants to listen to me and just be there for me. It’s painful and I still cling to these detestable meanings called life. It’s time to accept it, and end this life. I’m so tired. I’m so sick of fighting.

There are times I want to die. Many times I thought of dying. But Sebastian is making me forget all of my self-doubts and insecurity. Dying is postponed.