Prologue: I'll See You at the Wedding
He leaned in closer. The smell of liquor hung in his breath. His face was flushed and I inched farther away from him. "Hey," he said. "Please don't back away." He was already slurring his words and I struggled to keep my composure too. I was near my limit. I know because all I want to do is to make as much noise as possible. And even without looking at a mirror, my face is probably as red, if not redder, as his. I put my drink down on the floor to my left. "What?" I scoffed. You're the one to talk. "You know what? You're drunk. You should probably get to bed." I moved further but he pressed on. He moved in front of me. In all fours, his face inches from mine. "Wanna come with me?" He smirked. There was silence. Then I let out a hearty laugh. I pushed his face away. "Careful now big boy. You might regret it." I picked up my drink and took a sip. He didn't waver. He didn't move. His eyes were on mine the entire time.
He leaned in slowly.
My heart beating loudly.
What the hell is he thinking? What the hell am I thinking?!
I should move. Right? I should. He was too close now. I feel the panic rise to my throat. His lips almost brushing against mine. He closed his eyes. He leaned further. And...
He rested his head on my shoulders. I let out a breath. Gosh. What was I expecting anyway? "Alright big guy," I pat the back of his head. "Let's get you to bed. C'mon." I tried my best to support his frame. Him being almost 6 foot and me, merely a 5'5. Slowly, I rose. Straddling his head. I did my best to turn his body so I could support him from under his arm. "C'mon now. You got to help me." He started to mumbled. This behavior is shocking me. I had known him to be a decent drunk. He can definitely stay up all night drinking without batting an eye. He evens calls me after his drinking sessions and can even pass as sober.
By now, I had managed to have us both upright. A miracle if you ask me. But we wobbled strongly. "Erik," I said his name in what seems to be decades. "Please..." He tackled me in for a hug. I can smell his perfume better and can even get a whiff of his scent underneath. He surprised me. In years, I think, this is the closest we've ever been physically. "I'm sorry," he whispered in my ear. I froze. I didn't know how to respond. A part of me is relieved but there's also a voice saying I'm not entitled for an apology. I didn't utter a single word instead, I just held him for a while. Enveloped in his arms, I feel like I'm home. It's strange because I've never felt them before. He broke the hug and held my shoulders. His eyes bore through mine. So many unspoken words. All these years. Right then and there, all I wanted was to tell him everything. Not to hold back. Let him know what I really think. Let him know what I really feel. I felt a wetness on my cheek. I didn't realize I shed a tear. He reached for it with his thumb and wiped it away. It brought me back to reality. And still no words came out.
His thumb lingered on my cheek for a while. An aguish look on his face. What hurts him, I don't know. I wish he would tell me. I wish he'd be more open. But you could only meet people where they are. Pushing for more. Forcing it out of them wouldn't work. I have learned my lesson.
With both hands, he cupped my head. Longing eyes locked on my lips. Time seemed to have slowed. Our surroundings fading in the background. I dared myself to hope. He tilted my head and kissed my forehead. It was nice and sweet. But it trampled my hopes. It meant more than words could ever say.
It broke me.
Tears came. The feelings I thought were long gone, resurfaced. I feel grief. But for what exactly? I don't know. I grabbed him for a hug. The very last one I could ever have then pushed pass him to the door. I didn't look back. I can't. I can feel the uncontrollable sobs coming up. I stopped inches from the door. Not caring if he'll hear me or not I said, "I'll see you at the wedding." Then I was out the door.
