Dangerous To Love

Chapter 22

Natasha's POV

I woke with the worst feeling in a long time. I didn't want to be drugged again. I can't bear this unconsciousness which they force you to go into. As I start to wake up, I feel that familiar panic that I felt many years ago when I was in hospital. Some people seem to be doing okay after traumatic events. I was one of those people. Of course, I had hell of a recovery but after a year and a half maybe I could be seen as normal. But now I just need to realise that I never went back to normal. I always lived with this huge amount of pain and anxiety and guilt, but I was so ashamed and hateful towards myself that I never wanted to show it to anyone. At a certain point, I just got tired of being the unstable girl. I wanted to make it easier for people around me to get to know me and talk to me without thinking over every sentence twice. Being unstable is pure hell. But it's worse when you feel people being cautious. Because being cautious always meant being distant. I just seemed that type of girl that is best to avoid. And I didn't wanna be like that. So, I put on that mask that I am fine. I showed that I am getting better and somehow I tried to make myself believe it as well. I got to a point where I was always working or going out with friends but in reality I have to realise that I was running away from everything. From the panic attacks, the anxiety, the depression, mostly away from any intense emotion. But I guess there is a point in your life when you must stop hiding. And in my life that moment came forced. I wasn't ready, I didn't face my fears, I stopped going to the therapist, I just stopped caring. And now I don't have a chance. My problems forced themselves into my life to be solved. But can you solve them when you were never strong enough in years to even face them?

As I opened my eyes, I saw a ray of hope. He was my ray of hope. He was holding my hand, sitting next to me, waiting for me to wake up and greet me with his most warming, loving smile.

"Hey beautiful. You want ice cream?"

It was strange that he didn't ask questions about what happened. But I guess he knows everything. But I remember Leo's words telling me that we don't have to talk about my mental state all the time. Don't get me wrong, I can't hide from them anymore, but I am trying not to focus on the pain. So, I try now as well:

"Kyle, I missed you so much. Ice cream would be awesome."

I smiled when looking into his eyes. It's like I forgot what it's like to smile with honesty. But it feels good. I feel not so weak. I promised Kyle that I will try my best to overcome my fears and getting better step by step. I still don't like hospitals and I have this anxiety in me ready to burst out, but I must manage. I must get back my control. It's so hard to realise that now I must do it for myself. Time has proven that doing it for everyone else didn't do me any good. But it's pretty hard to do anything for yourself when you truly hate yourself. I know. I don't love myself. Not at all. I am not satisfied with my outer and inner self as well. But if I don't start to work on it, everyone’s efforts are useless. And I don't want to lose them. They are the only ones I have.

There was a little fridge in my hospital room what already had ice cream in it. Kyle knows me more than I thought. He brought me my favourite ice cream. I'm the boring vanilla type girl. But ice coffee tastes amazing with vanilla ice cream. And I drink too much coffee. Shame on me.

I sit up a bit, annoyed by the IV in my arm and I got a bit shocked how my arm looked like. It was all purple and bruised. Of course, I remember how that nurse grabbed my arm, but I hoped that it won't turn out like this. Kyle must have been furious when seeing me. But I promised myself not to mention it now when he tries to lighten the mood. It's 2 in the afternoon already, so I was really dosed. I don't wanna complain but Kyle gets that I don't feel so well.

"Your head hurts again babe?"

"Bearable. Don't care about it."

He got a bit tense but relaxed immediately:

"Don't start this Natasha. I will always care. I am here to care. If I wouldn’t, I wouldn't be here either. Do you want me to call James and ask about your headache?"

"No. It's not that bad. Don't talk about it okay?"

"I am not arguing. You have enough to deal with. I am not making it worse. Leo will come in later in the evening with Jade. Do you need anything? "

"I wouldn't complain about a book. And maybe a coffee. And a hug from you. "

He smiled at me and came towards me and sat onto my bed.

"All of them are available right here right now."

"How?" I was surprised but couldn't believe that he thought of everything.

"The fridge has an ice coffee inside with the same vanilla ice cream and it's your book you are currently reading from the nightstand at home."

"You are amazing, do you know this? How can I drink coffee with these meds?"

He winked at me and said in a playful tone:

"Decaffeinated. And I am not the only to be amazed by.  Jade helped a lot. She packed all your stuff so if something is missing I am not taking responsibility for it."

He is making me smile nearly all afternoon. He really is my saviour. As well as Leo and Jade. I wouldn't be here without them. I lived my life not appreciating people who loved me. And life took the most important two of them away from me. I must have realised after that we must show our love towards the ones God led us into our lives.

Kyle lets me read my book and he works on his laptop next to me. We keep breaks to talk about anything and everything. We talk about work, about plans where we should travel cause he really wants to have a trip with me after I am out of the hospital and feeling better. I won't deny it, it would be good for me to rebuild myself. And he knows that I need some air out of this mess to think through everything, focus on my mental wellbeing. And he surprised me with this trip idea cause we work a lot. Flying away for more than a week was out of question like always. But now he is planning on leaving at least for 3 weeks. He knows I need time, but I am not sure I want to be away from work this much of a time. But when he tells me that we are flying to Europe, I am as excited as ever. He wanted to keep it as a secret, but he booked a trip to Scotland. He knows that I adore Scotland. I love its green fields and lakes and castles and the amount of rain they get. Sound crazy but I adore rain. I love grey clouds too, they make my mood so much better than clear weather.

"You know how to get me off of my feet, don’t you? I love you Kyle. I adore Scotland but guess you know it already. How will we manage work?"

"I can't guarantee that I won't have work to do but we try to make the best of it. I wanted it to be a secret as well, but I can spoiler some of it to you as you will be a part of it too. After that water purification project, your team might have its next project with Scotland. And before you start to say, they didn't choose us, I have chosen them. I wanted to have a European project and I know your love towards Scotland, so the choice was obvious. And we might go there to have some meetings as well after some castle visiting and rainy picnic. I hope it doesn't disturb you."

I got so excited, I was smiling like an i***t.

"You joking? Of course, it's not disturbing me, I love it Kyle. But now you know that you must tell me more and not let me hang in the air. And the fact that we both will be working just makes me more excited. I love working with you Kyle, I hope you know that?"

"With me? I can't imagine how annoying and irritating I can be. But I must admit I love working with you too. I looked into your work yesterday and I was amazed Natasha. You are doing an absolute amazing work. You manage everything perfectly. I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. It would be an honour to have the chance to work closely with you. I won't just handle out this project, I want to take part of this, cause it's a new business contact too. And to tell you a secret, I miss those times when everything was not this hectic and when I was doing a job like you not like my own now. Don't get me wrong, I love my job now as well but it's more of a decision making than the actual arrangement of things. And I am really proud of you and all my branch managers, but I realised that I need to be involved more. Cause my company was always known for its sensitivity towards economical and first world problems. And those can't be done respectfully if you don't get your own hands dirty. And I can't lose this connection. It makes me who I am now."

"I know Kyle. And it's the biggest gift that you could give me now. Not just the opportunity to visit my favourite country but to have the chance to work together with you as well. You tend to forget why you have good branch managers. Because your personality and goals motivate everyone to make things better. We believe in making changes. And we only believe in it because you let us believe in it with this company existing and running. I love you so so much."

"I love you too sweetheart. We function perfectly together. God really gave you to me to make me the happiest man alive. "

It was good hearing about this. I really love my work. And working together with Kyle is really an honour. I know how he works from the times I was his assistant. He is the most hard-working passionate businessman ever. That's why he is unique. Cause he remained true to himself while having one of the most highly valued companies of New York.

As we were just chatting about work, I quickly got tired. But we worked on the purification project to have that finished as soon as possible to start working on this amazing one in Scotland. He didn't tell me about the exact work, he told me that I need to be patient to know all the details, but I am ready to be waiting.

I was falling asleep, he was caressing my arm and the only thing that I heard before falling completely asleep was Kyle's voice talking to someone who just got into the room:

"Take care of her. I'll be back as soon as possible. I have no other choice. I need to leave."