Dangerous To Love

Chapter 16

Natasha's POV.

I didn't sleep so much, my headache absolutely didn't let me fall into deep sleep but whenever I was getting extreme waves of pain, Kyle was calming me down, caressing me. He did everything to help me feel better and also did everything James told him to. He measured my blood pressure every half an hour again and it was kinda worrying that it was always extremely high but just below what James told us to go to the hospital with. It looked like that it was messing with us. Kyle was worried but he knew that I have to go through this to get better. My brain pressure was highly influenced by these meds, but we could just hope for the best. It didn't help me that after an hour, I started to be anxious about talking to Leo. After that one hour passed, someone was ringing our doorbell. I knew it can only be Leo. Kyle kissed my forehead and just knew what to tell me:

"Everything's gonna be alright love. You can tell him everything, he won't judge you, he’s not mad at you, he’s your best friend, he loves you. And you know it well. So don't stress and let go of the weight and the pain you're holding. I'll be outside. Just call me when you feel bad. "

How can Kyle know everything that I need to hear? He is sure one of the most amazing men I have ever met. And I adore him so much. He could make me a bit calmer but as I have seen Leo coming I felt anxiety again. My guilt was just multiplying when Leo came closer and now I could see that he was in pain too. But as he got closer, he automatically came for a hug. We have never left out a hug. It was our safe moment. Whatever happened to us, we made the other stronger. He is like a brother I never had but always needed. And this hug made me feel braver and stronger. But it made my emotions run wild as well. I started sobbing immediately. And Leo didn't let me go. He just hugged me tight and caressed my back and whispered:

"It's alright princess. Everything's going to be alright. We will get through this. I won't ever leave you. "

He is my best friend. He knew everything even before I said a word out loud. But I need to ask for his forgiveness. I learnt in my life that I must never forget to say sorry. Because if I forget saying sorry, I can forget that I made a mistake. Friends love us without apologies. But if we never apologise, we never feel that burden coming off of us to be truly honest and admit that we hurt them. Saying sorry has nothing to do with dignity but love.

As I was calming down, Leo let me loose but just for looking into my eyes. And it was enough for me to see that he is not angry with me anymore. But I have to have this talk with him cause I am angry at myself.

"I am sorry Leo. I know that this doesn't erase anything I said but I love you and I want you please to forgive me. I know you were always next to me no matter what I have done and what I have said. You're the best brother I could ever had. And I need to tell you something that I wasn't ready to tell years ago. "

Leo was looking at me anxiously but encouraged me:

"You can tell me anything angel. You know that. I promise you, I won't be mad at you. I can never be mad at you, ever again. "

I just sighed and started to strip my soul down for him. I trust him not to hurt me now.

"I should have trusted you fully Leo. You so deserved that trust. But I was just unable to give that kind of a trust to anyone. There were some things I just couldn't talk about. And I am so sorry for them not to be said out loud. But I was scared. You would have worried much more if you are really new sometimes what my mind was telling me. And it is hard now too, but I need to tell you this. Cause this is another thing that made me fragile and reckless and depressed and eager to die. It was Brad. "

Leo got tense immediately. I could see anger in his eyes. It was not towards me. Memories just came flooding and I cried again. Leo held my hand and squeezed it to help me calm down but interrupted me:

"I know enough of that asshole. He hurt you like no one ever before. You wanna talk about him? And rip open an old wound? He made you believe the worst things ever that you still believe about yourself. "

Leo wanted to continue talking when I just said as a whisper:

"He raped me. "

And that was the time when Leo just got so angry, he was raging.

"Whaaat..? Why haven't you told me Natasha? f**k, there were times I drove you to his apartment.. why? Why did you do this Natasha and how many times did it happen?"

I was just whispering, I felt shame.

"Couldn't count. All the time. I never wanted it with him. He made me believe that I deserved the pain. Please don't shout. You told me you will not be angry. You promised. "

And as I said the last words, crying silently, Leo got like a cold shower and started to apologise.

"I am so sorry angel. I hurt you again. I just can't process it. I must have killed him back then. No one could have hurt you princess. I must have been the one to protect you and I failed. "

And then I saw my best friend break down in tears. Like the little boy I was playing together at the playground. And my heart broke as well. Not just because of these memories but for Leo. Now it was my comforting moment. Sometimes I wonder how I can comfort people when I am on edge too. But he must know that nothing is his fault.

"It's not your fault Leo. It was never your fault. And I must accept that it wasn't mine either. You did everything you could for me Leo. Always. And I hurt you so many times over these years. Never think that anything was your fault what made me feel down and weak. I did it myself. And depression got a hold of me. And it still does..."

I didn't stop crying. I said my last words as a whisper. I am not ready. I am not ready to fight this again. I should be. I have support but the question is do I really accept their help? I definitely need their help, but I am afraid of starting this journey all over again. I am scared of depression. And it just controls my life ever since I was a teenager. And some can say that you must take control. But whoever experienced depression knows that you can't take control. You will maybe never be able to take control just try to live through the anxiety attacks and handle the mood changes better and try to force another change on yourself. But it just eats up your energy.

Leo gave me a big hug again, he is really worried of me, but he sure has a reason to be.

"I'll be with you this time too. I will be with you no matter how many times you have to have this fight. You hear me Natasha? I won't let you go through it alone. Just trust me. Trust me again. We hurt each other because we truly love each other. I want to be next to you, I want you to share your worst thought. And not just with me but with Kyle as well. We are here for you Natasha. Don't keep any distance. Share everything so that we know how to handle it and to know how your emotional state is. If you let us close, we will take care and protect you. "

I hugged him tighter and cried for like an eternity. And we talked. Finally. I could say many things I didn't say in the past. It was sure hard to say them but made me feel a bit better as well. Hours passed and Kyle just sneaked into the room to give me my meds. Leo also had to leave after two or three hours, and I really needed the meds and a sleep as well. I was emotionally drained. Leo said goodbye and promised to come back soon. It was really good getting my best friend back. Leo was the one who always gave me a feeling of solid ground under my feet. I wouldn't survive without Leo. But I knew that I wouldn't survive without Kyle either. He came in and took me in his arms. And we didn't need words. I was silently crying again feeling overwhelmed what just happened and how I opened up in front of Leo. Kyle held me tight and planted the softest kisses to my forehead. I don't remember falling asleep but one thing I remember.

He never let me go.