The Burning urge!

My pace hastened as I headed back home. I had felt stalked before.. A number of times. This time it had become persistent for so long.. Down the week I had felt footsteps behind me as I walked and when I turned, there was no one behind me. Was it a mere hallucination or Reality ? I walked faster without turning back.. Hands in my pockets as the evening got colder and darker. Soon, I could see my house. The one bedroom timber cabin that had become my home for the 3 years stay in California. The fine mahogany door that was always on lock was now before me. I fumbled with the keys as my hands shivered. What I was yet to understand was the puzzled thought in my mind.. Was I shivering from cold or was fear creeping its way into my life once again??! I pushed the door open and shut it closed just as I placed my feet on the door mat.. A fine woolen piece of artwork I had purchased from the exhibition bazaar last summer.. I headed towards my bedroom and straight into the shower. It had been a long tiring day.. 0ne by one, my clothes went down and the shower on. I stood under the warm flowing water staring at the colored pool of water beneath me. Feeling chilled, I stepped out of the bathroom and covered my pale body in a bath rob. I stood on my toes to reach the top nail on the wall where my towel hanged. Having dried my hair, I made my way to the closet and selected my comfortable pajamas for the evening.. Wasn't it wonderful being alone in pajamas sipping warm coffee on a cold evening?? Being comfortable in my loneliness at last was wonderful enough for me. Coffee brewed in the kettle as I combed my long curly brown hair pushing them back into a pony tail.. This way, two scars on the right side of my neck became vivid as much as my jawline emphasized on my bold face. My favorite mug soon bore coffee and as I sipped down the strong scented drink, I pulled out a piece of paper and started jotting down whatever came in mind. I did this every time I got nervous I must admit and this time, there's nothing that could console me into rethinking the thought about being stalked. I knew there was someone hovering around me. Every time I felt a certain presence and yet I never got in my eyes any kind of evidence whatsoever. Had I been on drugs, I certainly would have claimed hallucinations.. However, I knew from deep down I wasn't in any kind of way imagining this. The footsteps were clear and had matched mine just as it would have been if someone was walking just right behind me. Yet I turned to find an empty lane staring at me each and every time. I shook my head vigorously trying to shift my attention to something else. I had to stop over thinking ,I silently thought to myself. The piece of paper was now full of scribbles and random words. I stared blankly at it. Expressionless!! **************************************** "Please let me go! " My tiny little hands struggled to save myself out of those gigantic hands. I was gasping for air..My head throbbed in sharp pain .. My eyes were unfocused and I could see twos and threes of everything in the room including the blood shot eyes directly staring at me.. I moved a bit to try to run but I was held in place by a rope tied on my wrists and ankles... A sharp noise screeched in my ear I shut my eyes so tight and shouted STOP!! No one could hear me. Tears were then flowing heavily on my face down my neck.. The screeching voice wouldn't stop amidst the satanic laughter !! I opened my eyes abruptly.. I was sweating profusely! Hands on the table and my head lying on them, I realized it was just a flashback dream once again. The same one I've had more than 3 times then. I had dozed off on my chair. I rose up and headed to the sink. My head was paining badly! I washed my face sprinkling handfuls of cold water on the then temperature -heated face. what I knew next was that my face was filled with hot drops of tears. I couldn't give up! I rushed to the room, grabbed a towel and wiped off the tears so furiously... The door bell rang.. I quickly stared at the clock. It was 7 am it was probably going to be the milk delivery man.. I drank white coffee all throughout my life. I went for the door , opened it and to my surprise, it wasn't the milk delivery at all... I glared at the masculine face with shock! My worst nightmare was becoming true!! As quickly as I blinked in shock , I didn't wait for any word exchange. I shut the door, locked it and ran into my room with my keys in my hands.. Helen!! Helen!! Open the door.." I heard my real name for the first time in 3 years. I placed both palms on my mouth as I stopped any sound from my cry..I was then crying profusely trying not to make any sounds whatsoever. Sobbing silently and bitterly, I sat on the floor.... They had finally found me.. I knew what would happen next. They'd drag me back home.. I couldn't take the risk.. No! I rushed furiously to the door.. Clenched my fist on the surface and the past I was running away from flashed in my closed eyes once again. " Alex, I didn't mean to... I just couldn't...." ,I started to explain then a thought rushed in my mind.. What if he's sent!? I couldn't risk it. I stopped abruptly and shouted.."please leave!" "Helen, I mean no harm. I know you can't trust me at the moment. But believe I know exactly what happened years ago and it isn't your fault." I was startled. What did he know?? What could Alex probably know about my past? I heard the footsteps fade... I couldn't let him go without knowing what he knew about me. I hadn't spent enough time with him. In fact I fled prior our wedding . what could be possibly know after all the things I had hidden from the world? I quickly opened the door. He had turned away from the house probably ready to leave. His tall masculine feature hadn't changed much.. Well maybe he had become a little bit thinner but he was just as recognizable from the back view. "Alexander!" I called out, looked down and moved from the doorway to pave way for him. He smiled.. A smile that i had seen when I accepted the engagement ring in my uncle's backyard.. That same smile. Like a flicker of hope had lit again. I couldn't look straight at him..I shouldn't get any weaker. No! I had decided a new life for myself. I wouldn't look back. I knew I was taking a huge risk. I couldn't trust him. I went straight to the kitchen , filled the jug with water and headed back to the living room. He had sat at the couch by then. He was staring at the photo frame on the table next to the TV showcase. It was a photo of me in a cowgirl hat on a horse. I was smiling so wide. It felt as though I had gotten the happiness of the entire world on that day. "That was last year .. On the annual fun fair" , I spoke out after the brief silence. He looked back instantly. I had woken him from a deep thought. " you were scared of horses," he mumbled. "I guess its high time I realized there's no chain that could hold a ready to learn heart," I replied coldly He looked away for a moment. Then back to the same frame. I handed him a glass of water. I failed to understand why I had become courteous towards him all of a sudden. Was it because I wanted to find out what he had discovered? Or was it because guilt had made its way in my heart? The silence was getting awkward and questions getting heated up in my mind. I broke the silence "Did he send you?" We both knew who we were talking about. Life had brought irreversible changes.. Table seemed to have turned for a moment. But the quest remained the same. I knew he wouldn't rest before he found me. Alex could have been involved in the search looking for me. Or else why would he appear on my doorsteps out of the blue moon after so long?? What was his motive? "He didn't send me. He's unaware that I came looking for you.. Helen can we fix.. "Stop there. There's nothing we can fix. What do u know about my past. Tell me. If he didn't send you then why are you here?" "I told you before .. I came on my own and there's no way I can tell him of your where about . trust me." "Trust?" I chuckled. "Listen Helen. I know its hard for you. I understand there's.. "There's nothing you understand" He kept quiet and looked down. I didn't know what was going on his mind at that very moment. "I don't want to talk about it", I said as I breathed heavily trying not to sound scared in any way. He looked up at me scanning my face as if he was looking for something on it. I stared back blankly. He then looked away at the furthest wall, smiled silently and his eyes were fixed back to me again. "Its okay Helen. Just know am around when u need any help alright? I know its hard to trust me right now. But I'd do everything I can to fix everything," he spoke calmly. So calm and comforting were the words that I turned speechless for a while. I didn't know what to tell him anymore. I was in a fix. A dilemma. I didn't know whether to follow my heart or my mind. They had both deceived me before. Part of me wanted him to stay. Another part wanted to get rid of my past. While yet another part of me wanted to reveal the truth that had been hidden before the world. All I needed was help from someone I could trust. However, trust had long been erased from my feelings long ago. Could I trust Alex once again ? Enough to take up his help in whatever I did? I didn't have an answer at that moment. I blinked twice or thrice , maybe a way of fighting back tears, before telling him to leave me in peace. I said it so silently as though I was whispering. I had little strength remaining in me. very little that I felt low. I couldn't speak do anyone at that time I knew. I'd break down. Something I had stopped doing in front of any human 3 years ago. I didn't want to show my hurt to anyone I couldn't trust. and that meant everyone. Or was it my built ego that I was protecting? He woke up slowly towards the door. I stood rooted on the floor , my eyes fixed on my feet. I was staring at my neatly pedicured nails but I knew my mind was elsewhere. Floating in yet another world of mindlessness. After some seconds or nearly minutes of silence, fixture and thoughtlessness, I walked behind him towards the door. He walked out and I shut the door behind him without giving him a chance to say goodbye. or was it that I hoped for his return. I was puzzled. Just as I shut the door, I turned around ; away from its sight and fixed my eyes on the chair he had sat on. Slowly walking towards it, tears brimmed my eyes. It was not until I sat heavily on the chair that I let the tears flow freely down my cheeks. I felt as though the past I was running from was now chasing me back into its shadows. The darkness I had tried lighting up with flickers of hope,unending rest and toil as well as hiding my identity from the world. I did it all yet after 3 whole years ,it came back on my face as though mocking me. I let the tears flow silently for a while. Then I couldn't hold it back. Crying sounds followed bitterly. I didn't know how to stop it. I let out a scream and threw my head back. I stared at the ceiling. Blank. My cry stopped. I blinked still staring at the ceiling. A brown patch had formed just above me... A patch from the leaking drops of rainfall. That patch at that time seemed like the problem in my life spoiling the entire outlook of the white ceiling just as my entire life had seemed useless every time I faced it.