Second Chances

Saying Good Bye

I looked at Donna, "Who is here?" "Well, Big Jim is. He comes by every day, but they won't let him come in. And Short Bus and Cookie have come back every day. Then there are Russ and Bloo, Pope, Pickle, Reno and Booger. They have all been here and come back." I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, trying to maintain control of my emotions. "Go get Big Jim please?" as a tear started to fall down my cheek. She looked searchingly into my eyes, "OK mom, but if this gets too much for you, I will stop it." "Look at you being all Mama Bear and shit." I said with a smirk. She left the room quietly. I just stared at my hands with my head down. It didn't take long to hear a quiet knock on my door. Sighing, "Come in." The door opened slowly, revealing the red-eyed Big Jim. I took in his appearance as he went to grab a seat. He looked awful, his lanky 6'5" frame was stooped and his hair and beard were sticking out like he had been running his hands thru it in frustration. "Hi kid. You look awful" he said as he leaned in to give me a gentle hug. "Well, I feel worse,"with a slight smirk. "So what's going on with Carl? They wouldn't let me see either one of you two. Was starting to piss me off!" "Yeah I bet." I paused with my eyes closed to keep my composure, "Well Jim, it's not good." I didn't think it was possible for him to get any more pale, but he did. He held my eyes and swallowed, " How bad?" "Well, I brought you in here so you can say goodbye." with that last word my voice cracked, and I brought my hand to my lips to stifle a sob. "No. Are you sure there isn't anything else?....." I shook my head, "No, my friend. He has been on life support this whole time." Jim's eyes flashed, and I raised my hand to stop his words. "I know that is not what he wanted, but it was emergency surgery, and they didn't know." sighing heavily, " I haven't had a chance to see him yet, but I wanted to give you the chance to say goodbye to your friend." "NO. You will see him before ANYONE else. Then, I will go see him". I looked into his eyes and saw the conviction there daring me to challenge him. "Yeah, that's probably a good idea." With that he got up and got the nurse. She returned grim-faced, "Are you ready for this?" "Honestly? No I am not. But I NEED to do this before anyone else does." I held Jim's eyes as the nurse positioned herself behind my wheelchair. "I'll be here when you get back ok?" "Thank you." I sighed and nodded my head.

The nurse pushed me out of my room and turned left, her shoes squeaking lightly on the corridor. "Do you know what to expect?" "Only what I've seen in movies." "Well it's a lot different when you are living it." she said to me as she paused outside Carls room to prop the door open so I could see my husband. I took a brief moment to take a deep breath to steady myself and close my eyes. I felt the nurse place her hands on the wheelchair. "Are you ready?" I let my breath out, opened my eyes and sat straight, "As I'm ever gonna be."

All I could see at first was the end of the bed where his feet were. I heard the beep, beep, beep of the machines and the whooshing sound of the ventilator. The lights were down, so there was a soft glow in the room. My eyes slowly traveled up and saw his leg elevated in the cast with the other covered by a blanket. I could see, even with the blankets covering him, that he seemed.....diminished somehow. My gaze traveled up until I was looking at his handsome face..."Oh!" escaped my lips before I could stop it. The nurse took me around to the other side of the bed, so I could hold his hand and sit as close as possible to him. My eyes took in every detail of his kind face with the tears flowing freely now. I reached for his hand. "I'm here baby. You're not alone anymore". I looked at the nurse, "A little privacy please? There is a call button if I need anything." I snapped at her." Y yes, of course." Once she left, I maneuvered myself so I could reach him and I began stroking his hair while holding his good hand in my bad one. I was quiet for a few minutes just being in his presence and watching him. I squeezed his hand and sighed, bowing my head. "Dammit Carl! Why? I didn't have nearly enough time." I said, my voice cracking. "You lied! You said I wasn't getting rid of you that easily! Looks like you're giving up to me!" I said irrationally, trying to goad him into a reaction, "It's not supposed to be like this!" I placed my head on his chest and sobbed. Crying for the time we had and the time that we never will. Crying for me and the kids and the grandkids that he's met and the ones that he never will. I cried for everyone else and how much they loved him. But I cried for myself and the desperate need that I had for him to just hear me." You never got to hear my brother's song that he wrote for me. You can't build me up and make me want to really LIVE life and then leave me! " I paused to wipe my face as the snot and tears mixed together, and I could barely breathe. " Carl, I am so very proud to be your wife. I am so proud that you chose me to spend the rest of your life with. It has been such an honor to be by your side thru all of this craziness that has been our life. It has been an honor to call you my husband. I would do every second of it all over again, even if it meant this is how it ends. You taught me that love doesn't have to hurt or come with conditions. That I'm good enough as I am. You loved me and the girls with all of that big heart of yours, and I wouldn't change one second. I hope you hear me, Carl, because I don't know how to do this life without you. I don't know how I will ever survive this. You are my best friend and I love you with everything I have. I don't want you to leave me dammit!" I put my head on his chest and listened to that strong, kind heart beat as I cried and felt mine shatter. I stayed that way for a while until I realized I was being selfish. Taking a deep breath, I kissed his hand and pressed the call button.