My Triplet Lovers

When Will I Ever Get To Tell You?

I was so shocked that I didn't even know what expression on my face I was showing, and if I show the wrong one, I know she'll be mad or even more hurt.

“Please tell me..." she once again cried out to me while again looking even more confused with all that's happening between us.

I tried to get her hand off of mine so I could calm down and think rationally but instead, I panicked and when I got loose I immediately left! I didn't even know why and I didn't even want to leave yet but my body just went like poof like on autopilot then before I knew it, I was already walking away from her. I stood my ground and continued walking away since I was already doing it. I didn't let temptation get the best of me again and I tried not to look back at her. I soon got back to the classroom.

“I made it worse again didn't I?” I asked myself again with the same question where the answer was so obvious, I screwed up big time.

As I feel guilt start to rise in me again, I keep looking if she got back but she hasn't yet which made me feel less at ease with what I seem to have unconsciously done earlier.

I don't get why I'm like this, I want to talk to her so badly but whenever I get the chance, my body refuses to do it and does the exact opposite.

I just keep looking at the door if she was back until 5 minutes later, she finally arrived.

I try sneaking a look from the corner of my eye to see her. It looked like she cried because her eyes kinda looked red and her cheeks were kinda swollen.

I feel so bad but I can't do anything about it knowing how my mind reacts to these kinds of stuff...

I guess I just need some time off, hopefully, she'll understand once I finally tell her everything.

I also make out that she had that problematic look back on her face.

There's nothing I can do for now, we're both complete messes... That's the one clear thing for me now.

*bell ringing*

As we head out of the classroom and get downstairs to go home, I wait at the gate of the school 'til my ride shows up. It gave me enough time to see Maya walk away as she goes home. She looks really distracted and kept her head down looking at the road the whole time and she almost got hit! TWICE!

But to her, it's as if nothing happened then she continued walking home.

I just kept looking at her without me even noticing that my ride is already here.

I got in and sat near the window and hugged my bag as tight as I can. My uncle probably noticed that something was bothering me but he knows I'm too bothered by this that he kept silent and didn't say a word.

We then got home.

“Hey Troy, How was school today?"

my aunt asked as soon as she saw me arrive.

I didn't reply nor looked at her.

“Hey, What's wrong?" again my aunt asked.

and again, I looked at her then went straight to the sofa with no response to her question.

“Tell me what's wrong, is it about school?" she tried asking me again hoping to get a response this time.

I just answered with...

“No." then gave her a blank stare.

She looked worried and got more curious with what was causing my despair.

I didn't want to talk so she decided to just guess it but that didn't work either. Then she brings something up.

“Are you feeling sad because your trip to another country is taking so long? Don't worry, you just need to finish this school year then you'll be on your way”

my aunt happily mentioned.

I finally told her...

“But why now? Why couldn't we have gone years ago??" I asked sounding really hurt because I was.

“What do you mean? Haven't you been waiting for this since you were little? And the only reason why you couldn't go before was because we had a lot of things to do so that you can finally live there, aren't you excited?” My aunt replied.

“I was... before someone changed my mind...” I replied while trying to sound fine while I told her.

“What was that? someone changed your min-" Before she can even finish her sentence, I try to make it look like she misheard me.

“No, it's just that... before I was excited but when they kept on doing it for years saying “you'll leave this year” and eventually we never end up leaving, I kinda got used to it and I've gotten used to this place already and I think I can't leave so soon" I answered her with what technically is the truth but not the whole truth.

“Don't worry, you'll move on eventually and get used to living there. I'm so excited for you and your brother!"

She replied excitedly.

I couldn't go on with the topic of leaving so I just went straight upstairs, locked myself in my room for a while and lay there in my bed and ignored everything while listening to songs on repeat while on full volume.

Even though I was tired probably because of thinking too much the whole day, I ironically just lay there with my eyes wide open staring at something but not remembering what I was staring at until I zone out again and recall the things I've done earlier that didn't make much sense why I did it.

“Why was I so mean to her?” I asked myself as I continued to question my actions.

I try to remember more of the things I said and did but I'm nowhere near the answer because no matter how many hours I lay there and think, I still don't get why I did these things I did.

Even if I knew, I still can't tell her.

I can't because what if she asks me to stay? How will I ever fight that feeling when she's the one who's asking me to stay?

I don't even know how we'd stay connected like obviously the time would be different from here and there. And even if we tried, I know that slowly one of us will lose interest and eventually be busy most of the time then end up not talking to each other and not even our friendship would be saved.

If we did try the thing that I just said, we're just pausing our inevitable fate of slowly losing each other.

After a while, I ate dinner then immediately head back to my room.

With nothing else to do, I decided to sleep early this time.

But something tells me to check my phone if I have a message from Maya.

Like, that thought came out of nowhere.

I soon opened my phone to see nothing but empty chats and no message from Maya either.

Was my gut feeling wrong or did it mean something else?

I thought of another reason why I thought of it in the first place, maybe it meant that I should tell her everything through chat instead. I then opened me and Maya's conversation but as soon as I did, my phone died.

I started to think this is just another bad timing or it could mean that my gut feeling meant nothing at all.

Yeah, my gut feeling probably didn't mean anything at all and it was just guilt crawling up inside me.

I then lay in bed then slept.

The Next Morning

- 6 am -

I woke up early then decided to make breakfast already while everyone was asleep because they usually wake up at 6:30.

After I made breakfast, I turned on the tv to watch something while I was eating but while keeping the volume low to the point that only I could hear it.

I then watched a show that was good enough to keep me interested while I ate, 5 minutes later, I was finished eating.

I soon directly went to the bathroom and took a shower. It only took me 15 minutes 'til I was done. After that I went back to my room and then I took my clothes then quickly wore them on.

I went back down stairs to watch more shows while waiting for the others to wake up.

- 6:30 am -

They all soon woke up once their alarms rang, “6:30, right on schedule" I told them as soon as they opened the doors and got out of their rooms.

Now that they're all awake, it also meant that I could put the volume on louder.

While waiting on them, I just continued to sit on the couch then continuously change the channel as there was no show that was sparking up my interest.

A few clicks later, I finally found a good show to watch. I sat there watching for 15 minutes until it was finally time for us to go.

I went in the car with them. We soon arrived at school.

- 7 am -

As soon as I got out of the car, I see Maya walking not too far from where I was.

I tried walking a little faster so I could go ahead of her. When I was finally ahead of her, I think she noticed.

She then walks faster until she's the one ahead of me and rushed to get inside of school, she didn't even think of trying to call me when she saw me, as if she was ignoring me.

I got into our classroom then I noticed that she was looking at me while I entered the classroom.

After I sat down, she stopped looking at me.

15 minutes passed, still we were completely alone and no one else was coming into the classroom. I was quite surprised, she didn't try talking to me this time. Those minutes that just passed was completely awkward to me but I don't know if she thinks the same of the whole “awkward silence" between us that whole time.

Soon our classmates finally arrived and filled the room that was once filled with silence is now filled with noise and laughter.

Even if I could decide and talk to my other friends, I just chose to stare at her because it really seemed like she was ignoring me this time.

I observed what kind of expression she was showing then I noticed that it looked like she was trying hard not to do something like it's obvious 'cause the look was spread across her face.

I continue to observe her while trying not to get caught by anyone especially her.

After a few minutes, she quickly changed her expression. She first shook her head then looked mad. Was she mad at me?

I wondered for a while if it could be me.

Then I look at her again, she looked calm this time and for once, I finally felt at ease. After our teacher came in, she continued looking calm and just going through with our lessons. I was happy to see that I didn't cause her much pain after what I did yesterday. Since she seemed to be focused with our lessons, I did the same.

The whole day passed, I noticed that she didn't try to talk to me, she didn't even look at me, not once.

There I was sure that she really was ignoring me, It might not be the case but it looked like it was and it bothered me a lot. I don't know why I keep thinking of these. I try to think even deeper why something as simple as this would bother me so much without me even knowing why. I then realized that I was actually hurt with what she was doing, I wanted to get mad but I almost forgot, I was the one who first did this so I have no right to be mad at her.

So... this is what it feels like to be ignored? I can't believe it could hurt so much....

“I didn't know it could hurt so much,

I'm so sorry that I lost touch"