Dive

It’s Getting Hot in Here

When you look at Caesar's nerdy face, with goatee, round Harry Potter style glasses and curly long hair, like one of the musketeers, you don't give a damn about the possibility of him having an incisive spirit. But once he gets a hold of the mike and starts pouring his stand up routine, even the most gaudy among us turns a ruddy complexion. 

-Girls these days act like the hen run by the roster! The hen thinks: If I run too fast, he won't catch me. If I run too slow, he says I have loose morals. Better I trip! Watch the bachelorette parties for example- you have these fine ladies, all sane and ready for a good time, gathering at the bride’s house, sipping some wine, chit-chatting, sipping more wine, pampering the bride to be, chugging more wine; and the next thing you see is them losing their s**t and transforming into some s*x crazed werewolves in the local pub, drooling and roaring “ give me some f*****g c**k!”. All with their little banners across their chests, “team bride”, “bride to be”, as if they were Black Friday Specials- boys, get us while you can! Starts Caesar confidently, steering the discussion from girls, to p*****s’ lengths, different car issues, human behavior at the supermarket and even rent. 

I laugh my head off and toast a Corona with Edric from time to time, sneaking glances from the corner of my eye to the other side of the table where the ice princess sips her second Hugo with regal gestures and seems completely vexed that she has to mingle with us, mere mortals.

Edric, who has the elegance of an elephant in the boutique with trinkets, and reads the crowd with about the same grace, doesn’t give up easily and drags the conversation whenever possible:

-Eva you did quite good for yourself in the show, until now! I am rooting to see you in the final, girl!

-Thanks Edric! I wish I could say the same but I could not be more happy if I were eliminated in the next round. I think I provided enough entertainment for the moment! she snorts apologetically, pushing her long, silky hair back in a gesture that I am surprised to feel I would like to do myself.

- I am going to the bar to take care of our table’s bill! It’s the least I could do to show my appreciation for you saving my life more than once.

-That won’t be necessary! I countercheck, my tone much harsher than I intended.

She flinches and I feel she is trying my patience with her damsel in distress display.

-We were just doing our job, and we are being paid. No need for charity, princess! I finish undeterred, ignoring Edric’s raised eyebrow. 

-I was just trying to show gratitude! she cuts the conversation short and raises from the table. Will you excuse me?

I watch her fine ass, clad in a short-fitting, cream skirt, bouncing enthusiastically as she heads probably to the restroom area. She is a sultry figure tonight, with this nude cocktail dress, v-neckline, rhinestone star appliques and hanging beaded fringe on the hem that makes me think about her, coming out wet from the shower… Her deep green eyes,  accentuated with black eyeliner and endless eyelashes glittered in shiny mascara should make her resemble a disco raccoon but every time I look at her I feel my throat tighten, foolishly.

-What the hell is wrong with you Rai? Is Aunt Flo paying you a visit? Otherwise I don't understand why you would cut the branch from under our feet like that! Edric puts into words his frustration slamming the bottle on the table and spilling a few drops on the polished surface. 

-Chill Casanova! You have approximately zero chances at ever tapping that ass and I would appreciate not having to clean up your droll every time you get close to her personal space! I add bitterly.

-Well ain’t you a ray of sunshine tonight, asshole?! We were just having a good time and if the lady wanted to pay for our drinks we should have graciously accepted..to connect further with her! Continues to hallucinate my best friend while I shake my head caught between frustration and amusement.

-If you think a woman will find it sexy or a bonding experience if you allow her to pay for your drinks you are delusional, my friend!

The stand-up comedy show resumes with Zoe’s piece and she makes sure to pay with a vengeance for her husband's sexist and sometimes unsalted jokes. I cringe through a drill of p***s size narrative, an epic map out of how different types of relationship status speaks for various types of grooming in the female agenda, and how guys these days tend to be more spruced up than the ladies. 

From time to time, I throw a studied, bored look across the room to watch Ava hijacked by a growing mass of fans. She politely listens to them, follows requests, signs various crap and poses for endless sessions. After twenty minutes, I start feeling her tenseness, carefully disguised in a tight smile and the sharp pull of the pen when signing autographs. 

I pat Edric on the back and move towards her. I am not sure what I will do but she is like an illusory beacon, lulling my primal instincts, to show up and save her neck.

-Miss, the car is ready for you! I say, wrapping my arm around her tiny shoulders and with a gentle push trying to get her away from the suffocating crowd. A hulky guy doesn't seem to have received the memo and pulls her hand for another selfie. I feel her tense and I despair as she keeps a plastered smile and although she doesn't want to do it, she complies like a puppet!

-Buddy, if you wanna keep using that arm in the following month I suggest you keep it to yourself and let go of the lady! I grit my teeth in front of him, as I pull her after me, all stiff and cooperating only halfway. 

-I suggest you start pumping those legs sweetheart unless you want me to go full Neanderthal mode and carry your sweet ass over my shoulder! Also, I will not refrain from breaking a few noses if we don’t get away soon enough from your minions! I threaten, hardly believing it myself, and I wonder what demon possesses me.

We head towards the exit and I start to doubt my move since I have no clear plan about what is going to happen once we’re out, but I keep pushing towards the entrance nonetheless. 

-Have you completely lost your mind? Who the hell do you think you are? she fragments her words in a panic-stricken bearing and she violently withdraws her arm from my touch, as if it would burn her.

I can’t believe my ears. After I go over my head to get her out of a situation where it's clear she doesn't want to be, am I the one to blame?

-You’re welcome, tart! I should have left you for those ecstatic maniacs to sandwich you, and see to my beer in peace! I spout, towering over her.

-Yeah, that’s exactly what you should have done! It is not up to you to make such a decision! And your huge ego combined with a misunderstood savior fetish should not come between my fans and me!

-Are you for real now? I brashly enter even more into her personal space, feeling that smoke will come out of my ears soon.

-As real as it gets! If you touch me again I will sue you pretty boy for assault and make sure you get in line and stay away from me.

Without falter, ridding the adrenaline wave that is threatening to drown me, I place my hand behind her neck and pull her into a scorching kiss. I do not think about it, I just act on the insane  momentum. I feel her tense and startled as I drag my mouth over the sweetest pair of lips I ever tasted, so lavish and silken. 

The moment I realize I am in deep and the best I could do would be to step back and beg forgiveness for my moment of insanity, I feel her relax in my arms and slightly open her lips. It's like a million fireworks blowing up the sky in those over the top New Years displays. I pull her closer, enjoying the faint Hugo taste of her mouth, so hot and delicious, with her heart thumping in her chest, a desperate flicker against my tight stomach.

Her long lashes flutter against my cheek, like tiny butterfly wings and her slender arms lean on my chest in a touching attempt to find balance. I hold her flush against my unyielding body and continue devouring her mouth as if my life depended on it.

Eventually, we have to break our union, both panting, lightheaded due to the lack of oxygen. I keep her tight in my embrace and fortunately she doesn't protest as she rests her head in the curvature of my neck.

Her elegant, upper-crust perfume envelops me dizzyingly and sends me thinking of the craziest things. The softness of her enticing breasts, straining her dress immediately under my beating heart gets me close to my undoing.

She clears her voice and in a soft tone tells me to let go.

-Lets pretend this never happened and go back to our usual, friendly collaboration! she slices the heart right out my chest with these mere words. 

I watch her in disbelief as she resolutely walks towards a sleek black limo, and I realize that she has always had a plan.  My attempt to save her now seems like a real i***t’s plan.

Ava is a superstar after all, maybe not as glorious as in her teenage years but she still holds a tight rein on her life and surroundings. 

And I am just a broke ass, ex-con whom she wouldn't spare a second glance if my head was on fire.