Dive

Memoirs

I wake up in a cold sweat, with a feeling I am suffocating. My pulse is pounding in my ears and a sharp pain presses on my temples. I can still feel their hands around my neck and the blows to my ribs or kidneys. Two weeks in the penitentiary hospital, with a swollen face and a well-beaten body, as if an SUV had passed over me, were just the welcome party in the slammer.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Except I was hardly mighty: I was a 24 years old mindless young man whose preoccupations until that moment consisted of fast cars, legendary parties and hot f***s. 

A daddy's boy, appointed without much hardship to the position of acquisition manager at the family deli company and who had no idea what ingredients went into a sausage let alone knowledge of receipts, accounting, you get the gist.

When my father thought that he could round off his income by selling some goods under the  counter for several years in a row, he did not think of such an outcome: a trip to a minimum security federal prison paid in sweat, tears and blood. Also the restitution, with penalties, of the taxes due to the state combined with a criminal fine that left us flat broke.

You might think a minimum security facility would not be that bad, except we, humans, are predators in our fundamental core and every time we are taken out of our comfort zone the either fight or flight instinct sharpens to the most. And we get reduced to basic animal disposition. 

You have the pack, an hierarchy, you have the big boys, the bullies and you have the targets that make time pass faster.

Is it all necessary or just a measure to feel that you are still living, in a perverted way, a meaningful life? I honestly still don't get it but those were the harshest lessons that life taught me.

A particular memory brings bile up my throat through this day. Half a year after incarceration I received what I thought would be a ray of sunshine in that nightmare but turned out to be the final blow.

-Hello Raiden, mumbles my beautiful fiancé Julia, with her big, clear eyes and so full of adoration not long ago, facing the ground, in an attitude, that I believed due to longing, worry, helplessness ..

-Julia, I sight not knowing how to commence this talk, but I stretch my hands across the worn-out table to reach for her’s, to feel reassurance..

That is when I I notice her hands resting protectively around a bulging belly and my stupid heard skips a beat.

-My love, oh my God..I want to touch her, to somehow inspire power and security because I am ready to die if that is what it takes to provide for her and our baby that I already feel my heart bursting with love for. But her distant attitude puts me en garde..

-Raiden, I am going back to Brazil..I need my family right now and out of concern for you I came to say goodbye in person. We obviously do not work well together and ...my priorities have changed! She slashes my last sliver of hope, nervously pushing her hair behind her ear, one hand still determinedly fixed on her belly.

-Julia please, I want to be a part of this, I love you and I want to be there for both of you, please love don’t leave across the world, I..

-My mind is set up. I left your car keys with Edric, and gave up the rented apartment! Try to rebuild your life and get out of here safely. It is unfortunate things happen this way, but Raiden keep in mind: you are not a bad guy and you do not belong here. 

Unshakable, she stands up and without a second glance back, exits the room leaving me perplexed and hollowed.

When I return to my cell block I pick up on the toughest guy I find, pulling a mean hook in his face, and then let him and his friends beat me to a pulp.

The only constant in these years is Edric, who visits me and calls me whenever he can.

He drags me above murky waters and convinces me to invest my little money with him in a fitness center venture. The start is slow but when we manage to open a second location, with a lap pool that tempts even professional athletes to join for training, I start to feel I might survive. 

I spend the rest of my years in prison studying business management, training in the gym like crazy, learning tae bo with a policeman accused of taking bribes and writing countless letters to Julia in hope of reconnecting and her allowing me to be a part of our kid’s life. I know all about having a shitty father, mine a prime example, but I am determined to make it up for the first impression only I need to start from somewhere. 

The radio silence is killing me and I imagine my kid wondering where I am, needing me, having a tough time and I feel like a caged animal.

-Let it go man, Edric tells me for the hundredth time, while we’re drinking beer in my new loft situated in Ottakring, in the working-class, noisy, Balkan flair, 16th District. 

I can no longer afford or wish for posh surroundings right now- instead I appreciate the open spaces, Scandinavian practicality and minimalism this place brings in my life. The closeness to Ottakringer Wald hike is a big plus since after the release from prison you hardly keep me between four walls and you often find me running through the lush forest.

-Edric, it's hard to give up a child, especially when you come from a place like me. My father gambled my future and, without even telling me, mixed me in that shitstorm. I do not want my kid to live through such betrayal or feel abandonment. I wanna be there, hold his hand or take her to school, Jesus I don’t even know if it's a girl or boy..how f****d up is that?

-Not as f****d up as that snake Julia! If I could put my hands on her I would make sure she feels exactly how I feel about her, f*****g b***h!

-Dude, that’s my kid's mother you’re talking about!

-Well Casanova, make up your mind...I don’t know who we’re hating here or where we’re heading! 

-We’re not hating anyone, I just wanna get closure, meet them again and see if I can build some sort of relationship. I wanna provide for my child, and be a part of his life whatever way Julia sees fit.

-Well, if I am not witnessing the second coming of Jesus with you man! Other dudes would love to just bury themselves deep in as many p*****s as possible and drink to being let off the hook!

-Not me man, I am no monk don’t get me wrong, but I just wanna work hard, put some money aside towards a private fund for my kid and help our business grow. If there is any possibility to work extra or give me something more to do, I would appreciate it!

- Rai, we’re partners, whatever you wanna do, goes without saying. I am not your boss, if you wanna change things or try something new, I support you!

-I was thinking of diversifying our activities - throw in some kickboxing, some tae bo, maybe even organize some casual fights…

- You’re not thinking of transforming Sparta in Fight Club, you sick f**k, Brad Pitt wanna be? Laughs Edric, sipping with thirst from his beer.

- Nothing as brutal but once we start, sky's the limit!

-I’ll drink to that man! Says my best friend toasting with his bottle.