Hidden Passages

Chapter 8-2

Nurse Hanover seemed very proud of her granddaughter as she brought her around and introduced her to each of us. When she came over to me, I had to comment on her necklace. “Your necklace is beautiful. May I ask where you got it?”

Jackie put her hand on the cameo and said, “Thank you. It was a gift from my grandmother for my 16th birthday.” The nurse, having overheard our exchange, added, “I found it at a vintage jewelry shop. I knew it would be perfect for Jackie.” I couldn’t quite see Helen Hanover shopping at an antique store, but I had to admit she had good taste.

Jackie didn’t stay with us long. Giving her grandmother a kiss on the cheek, she bid us goodbye and again wished us luck. When she was gone and we were packing up to go, Maureen came over. “I know we’re not supposed to,” she said in a low voice, “but would you mind sharing your phone number with me? It might be easier for us to talk that way than here.” Her request surprised me. I wasn’t sure what to do. I’d come to think of Maureen as a friend, almost like an aunt because she was around my mother’s age, but I didn’t know her too well.

“I guess that’s okay,” I said after considering. Maureen took out her phone and entered the numbers I recited. The others had already left except for Brian who was speaking with Dr. Grayson outside in the hall. I wondered what he was asking him.

When I returned to my apartment that night, I remembered that I had my cell phone back and that Brian said that Rick had left a message about Corey. I played the voicemail.

“Hi, Lauren. You don’t have to call me back. I just wanted to update you on our lead. I’m afraid it didn’t pan out. There’s still no sign of the boy, and the parents haven’t received a ransom request. It’s not looking good. Sorry.”

I lay down on my bed. Tears of frustration welled in my eyes. If I was there, maybe I’d have located an additional clue or had some instinct that proved helpful. But being so far away, I was helpless. Then I remembered my mother. I’d promised to call her. Drying my eyes with a tissue from a box near my bed, I dialed her number.

“Lauren, you remembered,” she said after she heard my voice.

“Yes. I promised, Mom. How are you?” I expected her reply to be the same negative response that she was terrible until I came home. Instead she said, “I’m managing. Your father called last night. He said he wants to talk to me about a few things. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t spoken to him in years, and I’m not sure I want to now.”

“Maybe you should. It’s not healthy to keep a grudge.”

“A grudge? Lauren, it’s because of him that I lost my little girl.” Her voice broke. “I know you don’t remember that day, but I can never forget it. They found her body in the woods after they found you. Oh, dear God, what was Robert thinking leaving you two girls outside alone?”

“Mom, don’t you think Dad has paid long enough?” I hadn’t spoken with my father in several years either, but I knew he was in therapy after attempting to commit suicide several times.

“No, Lauren. He hasn’t paid quite enough, but God will dole out his judgment as it will for the person who killed Patty.”

While my father had turned himself inward from guilt after my sister’s murder, my mother had turned herself outward toward religion. She attended church daily and had made her home a shrine to her dead daughter with photos and all her toys and clothes that she still kept.

“Does Dad know I’m in California?” I asked changing the subject. “Does he know what I’m doing?”

Mother sighed. “Yes, I told him, but he didn’t seem to care. Why would he? He’s only concerned with himself. God knows I should be the one cutting my wrists, but I have you to live for. I’ve tried to protect you, and I wish I still can.”

Mom didn’t realize that she’d been as guilty as Dad over Patty’s death. After all, she’d left us with him while she’d gone shopping that day.

“I have to go, Mom,” I said trying to avoid the conversation about my father. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

“There’s one more thing, Lauren.” Her voice lowered as if she was about to tell me something serious. “I can’t find your cat, Harry. I was very careful when I came home from shopping today, but he was so fast. I’m afraid he got out.”

“Oh, no.” I had grown very fond of the black shorthair kitten I’d nicknamed “Handsome Harry.” I knew there were lots of dangers to cats outside from cars that could run them over to people who could hurt them. What made it worse was that Harry was only a few months old and had never been outside since I adopted him from the shelter. “Have you looked around the neighborhood?”

“Yes. I went around calling him, but I’m not sure he responds to his name. Hermione knows her brother’s missing. She’s been crying for him.”

“Keep looking. Check near my apartment. He may have headed there.” My apartment was only a few blocks away. My mother had a key and picked up my mail there twice a week.

“I’ll go after I hang up with you. I have to get the mail, anyway.”

“Let me know if you find him.”

“I hope I do. Call me tomorrow.”

“I will, Mom.” Feeling frustrated that I was so far away, I said goodbye and hung up.

As soon as I closed my eyes that night, I was transported to a different place and time.

I was in my dorm room at college. My first and last love Craig Clark was there. He lay with me on my bed. I was dressed, but he’d removed his Rutgers t-shirt and thrown it in a pile on the floor. A clump of dark hairs stood in the center of his chest. He bent his head close to mine. The pupils of his dark eyes were large as he said, “I think it’s about time we consummate our relationship, Lauren. I know you’re a virgin, but I promise I’ll be gentle.” He placed a thick finger on the buttons of my blouse and started to undo them.

I was in my dorm room at college. My first and last love Craig Clark was there. He lay with me on my bed. I was dressed, but he’d removed his Rutgers t-shirt and thrown it in a pile on the floor. A clump of dark hairs stood in the center of his chest. He bent his head close to mine. The pupils of his dark eyes were large as he said, “I think it’s about time we consummate our relationship, Lauren. I know you’re a virgin, but I promise I’ll be gentle.” He placed a thick finger on the buttons of my blouse and started to undo them.“Craig, please. I’m not ready.” My heart was beating fast.

“Craig, please. I’m not ready.” My heart was beating fast.“We’ve been together for a month now. I haven’t rushed you. Is it that maybe you don’t want me?”

“We’ve been together for a month now. I haven’t rushed you. Is it that maybe you don’t want me?”I looked down at the covers he’d also thrown to the floor. “It’s not that, Craig. I told you my history.”

I looked down at the covers he’d also thrown to the floor. “It’s not that, Craig. I told you my history.”“Aw, c’mon, Lauren. Don’t play that card again. You were a baby. You could hardly remember. I think it’s your mother’s fault. She’s protected you too much. She’s gotten you to fear men.”

“Aw, c’mon, Lauren. Don’t play that card again. You were a baby. You could hardly remember. I think it’s your mother’s fault. She’s protected you too much. She’s gotten you to fear men.”“I’m not afraid, Craig. I just can’t. Not now. Not yet.”

“I’m not afraid, Craig. I just can’t. Not now. Not yet.”He sighed and got off the bed. “Alright. If you feel that way, I’ll give you time. Lots of it. But don’t get pissed if I start seeing other girls.”

He sighed and got off the bed. “Alright. If you feel that way, I’ll give you time. Lots of it. But don’t get pissed if I start seeing other girls.”I felt tears start at the side of my eyes. “If you cared for me, you would wait. I’m seeing a therapist. I told you that.”

I felt tears start at the side of my eyes. “If you cared for me, you would wait. I’m seeing a therapist. I told you that.”He pulled on his shirt. “That shrink probably wants to get in your pants. He’ll keep telling you to avoid s*x until he screws you.” He walked to the door. “If you cared for me, Lauren, you would show it.”

He pulled on his shirt. “That shrink probably wants to get in your pants. He’ll keep telling you to avoid s*x until he screws you.” He walked to the door. “If you cared for me, Lauren, you would show it.”I felt anger rise in me. I threw a pillow off the bed toward him. “If you walk out that door, don’t come back. I don’t need this guilt or your threats. I care about you more than you know.” As the tears began to flow, he stepped over the pillow that blocked his way. “I don’t have any pity for you, and those false tears don’t get to me. I’ll see you around, Lauren.”

I felt anger rise in me. I threw a pillow off the bed toward him. “If you walk out that door, don’t come back. I don’t need this guilt or your threats. I care about you more than you know.” As the tears began to flow, he stepped over the pillow that blocked his way. “I don’t have any pity for you, and those false tears don’t get to me. I’ll see you around, Lauren.”I woke with a start from the flashback. Tears still wet my eyes. I wiped them away with my hand. As if by reflex, I grabbed my record book and a pen. I had to record the flashback because I couldn’t lie anymore. I decided to keep it simple and jotted down, “flashback of breakup with college boyfriend.” No one needed to know more about how I feared a man’s touch. How my therapists had diagnosed my condition as a form of PTSD by witnessing my sister’s murder. A medical exam by a female doctor proved I’d been spared the horror of what that monster might’ve done to me, but the memory had scarred me nonetheless. My mother made it worse by warning me away from every guy I liked. Going away to college had been a tough fight, but I’d won and thought I could have a normal relationship with Craig. I should’ve known better. A stray tear fell across the page, nearly blotting out the word, “breakup.”

flashback of breakup with college boyfriend.”