The Monhagan Chronicles: Prelude

Audrey “Fear not fair maiden. It is I, Sir Victor, come to rescue you from these vile thieves.” The brave and handsome Victor dismounted from his valiant stead. He drew his sword, brandishing it with skill unsurpassed by any in the kingdom. He was as fierce as he was agile, a beauty to behold as he danced around the vagabonds that held his love captive. Lady Antonia watched with bated breath. Would he be able to save her from so many? Bang, bang, bang. The knocking at my door only got louder as I tried to ignore it. “I’m not home. Go away.” I yelled over my shoulder. If I had wanted company I would have answered the phone when they had called. Insistent little buggers. “Open the door Audrey. We know you’re in there wallowing in self pity with a pint of B&J and a smutty novel.” I looked at the cover of the book. There was a half naked man brandishing a sword with a scantily clad lady wrapped around his leg. Okay, maybe it could be categorized as smut. But it was the good kind of smut. I opened the book back up and began to read again. Lady Antonia heaved a glorious sigh as Sir Victor scooped her up in his muscled arms. At last she was free of her evil captors. “Oh, good Sir Victor, how may I ever repay your kindness?” Bang, bang, bang. “I said go away!” but there was more of a whine than a threat in my voice. “Please just go away.” I half moaned. Then I heard the tell tale clicking of my locks turning. They must have found the spare key I kept under the welcome rug. In walked my two best friends and my geriatric neighbor. My friends were measures in contrast. Gideon was tall and slender with an athletic build he achieved by going to the gym three times a week to pick up guys. His blonde hair was short and styled to the height of fashion standards, with a few auburn highlights. His features were sharp and very androgynous. His eyes shone with tears of concern, probably for his life long friend who had locked herself away for the better half of a month. And I did not feel bad about it. Okay maybe I did feel a little guilty, but I needed the alone time. Flopping down on the lazy-boy was my other best friend, Nicki. Nicki was short and voluptuous with long curls of jet black hair. Her cheeks were slightly rounded and had pronounced dimples when she smiled. She wasn’t smiling now. She had a look of cold fury on her face now that almost made me cringe… almost. Nicki was slightly flushed and began the tirade I had been waiting for. “As a healthcare professional I would just like to let you know that this wallowing you are doing is very bad for your health, mentally and physically. And not only is it a self destructive pursuit but it also causes stress and ulcers for your friends who, while they love you dearly, are not above carrying your sorry ass to the bathroom and forcing you to shower. So put down the book and put on something sexy. We’re going out.” Nicki leaned back in the chair and crossed her arms under her breast. “I think what Nics is trying to say is don’t you think it’s time to move on with your life? He doesn’t deserve this. You are sooo much better off without him. C’mon Audi, let's have a girls night out, just the three of us. No hook ups just us getting plastered and staggering back to your apartment.” he gave me the puppy dog eyes he did so well. I rolled my eyes but marked the page with an old bill stub and got up. “Hello Mrs. Fitzpatrick. How’s Pudgy?” Pudgy was Mrs. Fitzpatrick’s fat Himalayan cat. “Cute as ever dear. Why don’t you go get ready and I’ll tend to Mittens.” Mittens was my Boston Terrier, he didn’t get along well with Pudgy. “You don’t have too. I know they don’t get along well.” “I got Pudgy neutered. They’ll be fine.” “Ow, Mrs. F. not cool.” Gideon said from the arm of the couch. Mrs. Fitzpatrick gave a whistle and Mittens pranced out of the bedroom. “Come along pup. Let's go watch that handsome man on the telly.” An hour later I was dressed in a little silk number Gideon had picked out specifically for clubbing, my hair was straightened, my makeup done. All in all I looked like a million bucks. So why did I still feel so crappy? Because the wonderful man I had married had turned out to be a sleazy, no good, robber who liked to run off with blond strippers. He had emptied out our joint account and if I hadn’t acted on instinct and put half of my royalties in a separate account I would now be homeless. The bastard. He’d filed for divorce a mere month after the wedding. He had stayed long enough to get my money and that was it. MEN! The only good ones were gay, like Gideon. “Oh, Audi, you look stunning.” Gideon chirped from the bed. “Thanks Gideon. So where are we going?” Gideon and Nicki shared a secretive smile. “You’ll see.” “Trust me, Audi, you’re gonna love this place. Dancing, food, drinks, sexy guys in nearly nothing.” he fanned himself. “Oh, girl it’s gonna be a good night.” Yeah, a real good night indeed. Such a great night to be standing out in the chilly October air. The sun had been down a mere two hours yet there was a definite November chill to the air that left me wishing I had worn pants… or just stayed home where there was a warm blanket and good book waiting for me. I looked to the front of the line again. It didn’t appear to be moving. I rubbed my shoulders and decided that maybe it would just be a better idea to go home. I turned to Gideon intent on apologizing but insisting I was going home. “Deon? Oh my God, Heather, look it’s Deon!” she was a very tall woman with an Adam’s apple. “Deon, you have to come in with us. Why are you standing in line?” or perhaps the correct term would be Drag Queen. “Tempty? Oh my God, Audi, it’s Tempty!” when I just stared at him he sighed heavily, quite the martyr, and clarified, “Temptation McCoy. The most famous Drag Queen in town and my old college roommate.” “Oh? Oh! Oh yeah. Sorry er… Ms. McCoy.” “Please call me Temptation.” “Uh… Temptation. Hi.” I didn’t know what to say. “Oh. My. God. You’re Cassidy Morningstar! You write those vampire novels! You are my most fave author ever.” Temptation said excitedly. “Uh…” was the most intelligent response I could think of. Really it was so unfair that when I used pen and paper I could say the most clever and meaningful things, but put me up against a real person in an actual conversation and nothing even remotely intelligent comes out. It was like a curse. A really horrible, debilitating curse designed to embarrass me. “I mean, thanks. It’s always nice to meet a fan. Speaking of which, I’m actually a big fan of yours. Gideon used to play your covers all the time when we were living off ramen after college. You have a beautiful voice.” “Oh, child, flattery will get you everywhere. C’mon girls. You’re not standin’ in this line. Your hangin’ with Temptation tonight.” Temptation giggled and grabbed my hand to escort us into the club. “So, Ms. Morningstar, what brings you to my club tonight?” “Please, call me Audrey.” “We’re here to get so stumbling drunk that Audrey can’t remember that d**k of a man she just divorced.” Nicki said jovially. “A girls night.” Gideon chirped from behind her. “Sounds like fun.” Temptation smiled and patted my hand. “You can come in with me and sit at my table if you’d like. I’d really like to hang with you tonight.” she looked over her shoulder at Gideon. I was almost certain I saw Gideon blush. Inside the club was loud, hot, and smelled like alcohol and sweat. The music, which seemed to be some new rendition of techno (which I never did like) that the musicians in question had managed to butcher. I felt the pressure start to build behind my eyes and went straight to the bar. “I need a Jager Bomb, a shot of Tequila Rose, and the strongest chaser you have.” The bartender stared at me as if I had sprouted an extra head. “What?” He shook his head and got busy filling her drinks. I downed the shot and the chaser as quickly as they were set in front of me. I was halfway done with the Bomb when Nicki sidled up beside me. “I came to help you find your way to the table. Tell me that’s not Jeager.” “I needed a bomb. Now why don’t you order me a Navel and we’ll head to the table.” Nicki gaped at me then muttered, “You better hope that Irish blood of yours shows its colors tonight, ‘cause I ain’t carrying you home.” I snorted and downed what was left in my glass. “I thought that was the idea, the whole reason we came here, to get drunk and stare at the meat in g-strings.” Nicki huffed but didn’t correct me. “Here’s your navel. Now lets go sit down and hope someone ordered some of those shots with whipped cream on top.” I snickered. Nicki wouldn’t say the actual name of the shots because every time she did she started blushing uncontrollably. It was highly entertaining to watch her trying to order them. I followed Nicki to the table and scanned the crowd. This had to be one of the most popular clubs in town, one of very few that could boast good live music and real entertainment, too bad the music wasn't live tonight. “So what exactly is the agenda for tonight?” I asked, still suspicious of Nicki and Gideon’s reasons for being at this club. “We told you, we plan to get you so stumbling ass drunk that you forget about that stupid ex-husband of yours. No ulterior motives.” she looked back at me and smiled sympathetically. “You need this hon, trust me. You’ve locked yourself away for long enough, it’s time to move on. Just think of tonight as the first night of the rest of your life. And please, please, please, try to have fun.” I rolled my eyes but followed to sit at the table beside Gideon. It was still early, perhaps things would start looking up after a few more drinks.