I'm Think Of Ending Myself..

My hand lifted towards my wrist, gripping a sharp metallic blade across my skin. The same frequent thoughts would ring throughout my head, as I fell down dizzy and nauseous, from the thick red blood trickling down my arms. I had shallow, rapid breaths, and I began to gently lay back on my bathroom floor. The blood had sunk into the cracks of the tiles, and I knew─I knew that today will be the last day that I’ll live. The door was being violently pounded on, the people were too late! This was just the beginning for them. Not me. This is my end. Although I had already planned my suicide, but before that, I didn’t expect the betrayal and painful disloyalty I undeservengly had to put up with during my time still breathing. I was tired 0f this never ending suffering I dealt with my whole entire life. I couldn’t stand it any longer. The people. The pain. It hurts. It all needs to stop now. Everyone in my life was nothing but fake and dreadful. It all started when i was a young boy. It began because of my parents. The pain. The lies. The separation between my parents. This is how it all started. I was young. I was perhaps 14 or 15. That’s when I found out a secret my family had planned to keep away from me my entire life with them. But sometimes, the unexpected happens, and some secret would be finally revealed. The cat would be out of the bag, and there would be no way to return it back in. The doors would slide open and many people began to hustle through the opening. I on the other hand was in the back of the bus, watching everyone in front of me, scurrying around to the door like animals. As soon as everyone had finally exited the bus, I ambled through the door, instead of hurrying like everyone else. My friend, Damien Coakley, a goth boy, had always been my friend since elementary school. He and I always trusted each other, and spent each day hanging out at our ‘spot’ which was behind a tree in front of the school. Although our personalities are very much different, we still somehow got along with each other. We both shared some common interests, such as sketching, writing, and profiling people when we eat together at lunch. Profiling, meaning collecting information about someone in order to give a description of them, which to us was a fun way to entertain each other. We usually sit at a table at lunch and look around for people who would fit a weird and hilarious description and backstory to make up for our weird game. Although it may have been rude, I always thought it was a joke, well at least for me. I joke around, unlike Damien who actually goes further than what’s expected. I usually had to sit alone cause some of the time because Damien was talking to boys. Flirting with them, and then hanging out with them. But I appreciate when he comes back to me and makes up for the time leaving my side. He is sorta my only friend in this school, so when he leaves off with boys, i sit alone to myself and my thoughts. I really loved being with Damien. He was very trustworthy and Funny. I could whisper him a secret and trust he wouldn’t blabber it out to the whole world. As I was saying, Damien was the most trustworthy person. He is what’s good about the world. At least that’s what I thought. Students began to scatter throughout the hallway, which barely made any room for me to locate my locker far at the end of the hall. I squeezed myself through the crowd of students and then suddenly was pushed to the ground by a jock. I barely saw his red, gold jacket before I fell down. “Oh, I’m very sorry-” The jock apologized. He reached his hand out to me, and immediately I remembered his calm and comforting voice. My eyes reached to his eyes, and I looked at him. It was TJ. Tj, one of the jocks and football players in our high school, and also my one and only crush. “It’s- it’s alright.” My heart began pounding. Thump─Thump! I looked over and gripped his hand, I couldn’t stop staring in his brown sparkling eyes. It was like being hypnotized. “You okay?” He asked. I looked at him and up at his lips. I shook my head and replied,”Yea-yeah. I’m fine.” “You sure?” “I’m okay. It’s alright..” I clarified. My heart began to pound more and more, and I felt warm inside. I felt like I was staring right into an Angel’s eyes. I then realized I’d been holding his hand this whole time. I quickly pulled away. My long sleeves covered my hands, and I looked away, hiding my red blush my face had been expressing right at the moment. covering my face, I started walking awkwardly away. Then I felt something grab my arm gently, and it was TJ. “What's wrong?” he asked me. “no-nothing!" I declared. My hands hid my obvious blush, and I quickly tried escaping, but the crowd was pushing me right back into him. A tall student with a red backpack, hanging from his shoulder, had bumped into me and I fell backwards right onto TJ’s chest. TJ held me closely to him, and I was in his arms. He looked down slowly and I began to grow butterflies in my stomach. My heart repeated it’s big thumping. Thump─Thump! He turned his head slightly right at me and smiled. His smile was so comforting and cute. I couldn’t bear to look away. “Hey, again.” TJ said. He chuckled softly at me, making an adorable look on his face. “Um...hi.” I replied, as I stood back up, fixing my messy hair. “I should get to class..” I casually waved at him and grinned a little to show generosity. He waved back, with his still continuing bright smile on his face. I smiled in return and then started walking away. TJ. My thoughts revolved around just him. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. His bright smile. His sparkling brown eyes. “Excuse me Mr. Torres-” The principal called out. I shifted towards his direction, seeing him at the door of his office. “I would like to have a moment of your time please.” He gestured his hand over to his door, through the inside of his small boxed office. Was I in trouble? Why does the principal need me? What’s happening? Listening to him, I languidly walked to and inside his office. I was unsure what was happening. My thoughts were bouncing around in my head, mostly thinking if I’d done anything wrong. I didn’t want to get into any trouble of course. Why did he call me in his office? “Do you know why I called you in?” The Principal asked firmly. “Um… no sir.” I replied. My hands shook uncontrollably and I began to sweat. “Andrew Torres”, The principal said, his hands moving to each other and creating a fist with the two, “You are doing good in school right?” I came from being nervous to being confused, from the response of his question. “Yeah…-” I answered. “Would you like to apply for our CSF club? It’s for honored students of course, with high IQ.” “Oh.” I sighed in relief. He swung his chair around briefly, unlocking his file cabinet and pulling out a yellow file of some sort. He returned back to his original position and opened the file, reaching down and pulling out a white sheet of paper. It was an application for CSF. “You know, not many kids get this chance. Only smart people like you, for instance, can receive the invitation to join CSF.” I grew a small smile and grabbed the CSF application from his hand. I took a quick peek at it and peered over to the fill out spot of the paper. “May I?” I asked, hovering my hand over to one of his many pens. “Go ahead.” I filled out the form and signed my name. I was excited to join the club. I always had wanted to since I first heard about it freshman year. Now I actually am part of it. “If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to come to my office anytime. Or just talk with my amazing secretary in the front office.” “Yeah..Okay.” I replied. I stepped out of his office and now reached a happy state of mind. I finally got what I always wanted. Now I can be successful and be one of the first in my family to join CSF. I hope they are proud of me. I really hope so. I’ve never felt like my family was ever proud of me, I never did anything to make them feel proud and I finally did it. Now. Today. Too bad it didn’t stay as long as I wanted it to be. My happiness. My hope. Younger me didn’t know what was coming. I didn’t expect such chaotic lies. The door slowly opened. My dog could sense me near, and ran straight to the front door to greet me with joyful playing. I crouched down, to pet my small dog. She was a cute and active puppy. That’s why whenever I showed up home, she would run and jump on my legs, trying to push me down. Her name was Roxy. It’s technically my father’s dog, but I still enjoyed playing and spending time with her. “Is anyone here?” I called out. My voice echoed throughout the house. Usually my older brother would be home to get ready for football practice, but I guess he wasn’t here today. As I walked up the old wooden stairs, roxy tried attempting to follow me. Her tiny legs couldn’t get her huge body up the steps. I peered down at her and saw her adorable look. Her mouth was covered in slobber and she drooled all about. I grinned and continued to head to my bedroom upstairs.