Return To Be Mine

THE REASON FOR NOT LOVING YOU

ESTEFANIA

I woke up, seeing the other side of the cold, empty bed. A pang of nostalgia crossed my chest as I remembered our happy days before marriage. That's how it has been since I married Joshua Chevalier, who was supposedly the love of my life.

I never knew the reason for his anger, or his absence, but after that day at the altar, things changed between us. He kept me locked up, like a secret that he only brought out when people asked about his wife. Despite the happy days we had before marriage, that wasn't enough for everything to vanish.

I missed the Joshua before marriage, the one I had fallen in love with. It hurt to see the same face, the same body, the same voice, and his feelings of hatred towards me. They were a lethal mix that often caused me agony. Two years had passed since he had sworn at the altar that he would make me pay for every one of my sins.

After the ceremony, Joshua ignored me during the party. The guests interpreted it as both of us being attentive to the guests on our own. I was a stranger in the midst of acquaintances for him. In that moment, I was alone, and even though I had married Joshua because I believed we were going to build the family I always wanted, I realized that he meant it.

He ignored me on our wedding day, I was insignificant throughout the entire party. I watched him dance and laugh with other women, but not with me. I sat at the table with a glass of champagne in my hand and tears threatening to fall.

"Doesn't it bother you that your husband dances so closely with other women?" Monica, Joshua's best friend, asked me. She had approached when she saw me sitting alone at the main table.

"A good marriage starts with trust," I forced myself to smile.

"You're right about that. I just hope Joshua doesn't fall into weakness with other women again," she said with a pang in her chest. I brought my glass to my lips and drank all the champagne in one gulp. "Just kidding. He stopped seeking other women from the moment he met you."

I watched him embrace the woman he was dancing with at that moment. The song "Hold the line" by Toto started playing in the air, and the woman wrapped her arms around his neck. My husband locked eyes with me, the song saying "love isn't always on time," and we closed simultaneously with the jazz version of the song, saying "it's not in the way that you say you're mine" "it's not in the way that you'll come back to me."

That day was the beginning of many days filled with absence. Did I cry? Of course I did, but I also discovered that I could do many things while being alone. Did I still love him? Foolishly, yes. I was still clinging to the days when I was happy with him.

One of the bitterest moments of my life was when we got into the car to go to the house his parents had given us as a wedding gift. Throughout the drive home, Joshua didn't say a word. I could feel the tension in the air. He was sitting next to me, looking out the window to avoid looking at me.

"Why are you like this with me?" I couldn't bear his silence anymore. "Why did you say that at the altar? Why did you ignore me during the wedding?"

Joshua didn't respond. I only saw his hands clenching at his sides, but nothing more. The car stopped a few minutes later. The driver got out and opened the door on my side.

"This is where you'll live," he said, throwing a set of keys at my feet.

I looked up, my eyes moist.

"Aren't you coming with me?" I was confused by everything that was happening.

"Do you think we're going to have a real marriage?" He swallowed hard.

"I don't understand anything," I murmured, more to myself than to him.

"This is a charade, Estefanía. Don't call me your husband unless we have to be by obligation," he said.

"But..."

"From this moment on, we are only strangers. You mean nothing to my life. Now get out of the car, I want to go to sleep," he said.

I bit my tongue before the tears burned my eyes. "Can I at least know why you're treating me like this?" I asked.

He just looked at me with disdain. I waited for his response, but his voice never uttered a word. The frustration and anger of not knowing what was happening consumed me. I angrily picked up the keys from the floor. I slapped him.

"Coward. That's what you are," I showed him my teeth, fueled by rage. I immediately got out of the car and slammed the door shut.

That night, I drank a bottle of wine, tore my wedding dress, sang, cried, screamed, danced, and cursed until I fell asleep.

***

And so, two years passed, locked up in a gilded cage.

Many of you may wonder why I stay by his side. When you're alone and danger lurks outside, it's best not to move for a while. I was obliged to stay in that house where I wasn't happy.

"Where is Estefanía?" I heard Joshua's voice on the other side of the door. It was a Saturday. I didn't believe he would deign to come and see me after not showing up at home for three months.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Chevalier. The lady is resting," I heard Juventina, the maid, say. There was a certain tension in her voice.

"At this time of day? It can't be possible that she's so useless. It's two in the afternoon and she's still asleep," I heard some footsteps stop. "She's a parasite who depends on others. Why haven't you woken her up?" He almost shouted.

"Sir, we... it's the lady..." Juventina sounded apologetic.

"Madam? That woman is useless. Call her by her name, she's not a lady," Joshua seemed to have a bone stuck in his throat from the effort he was making.

I closed my eyes as I listened. I missed the Joshua from years ago. The one who always smiled from ear to ear and treated me like his queen. That's why I married him.

I heard him walk quickly towards my room. He slammed the door open, and I immediately sat up on the bed. He stood in front of me with an expression of anger and disgust on his face. Something that had become normal for him since our marriage.

In the distance, I saw Juventina, who was concerned about me. I nodded almost imperceptibly for her to leave. I could handle Joshua's fury on my own. The woman closed the door, leaving us alone.

"What brings you here?" I asked, keeping my patience.

"Is this your life? Doing nothing all day, loafing around and wasting time sleeping? Is that really what you want for your life?" he asked.

"I remind you that it was you who forbade me from going out. What else am I supposed to do? I can't have visitors, I can't see my friends, I can't roam freely around the house without the employees watching me in case I steal something of yours. At least let me loaf around in peace," I lied. He didn't need to know what I was really doing.

"And to think that I once loved you. How wrong I was," I felt a twist in my stomach. It hurt to swallow my saliva.

I remained silent for a moment. The words got stuck in my throat. I made a superhuman effort to spit them out.

"We think alike. Sometimes young people make the mistake of falling in love with the wrong person, and I was too foolish to think you were the perfect man," I looked into his eyes. There were no tears streaming down my cheeks because I had already accepted that this man no longer loved me.

This time, he stayed quiet. He looked into my eyes; they were sad just like mine. His blue gaze and my gray gaze only reflected the coldness that existed between us. There was no warmth that we had once had.

"You deserve this and more for your deceit," he said. I didn't know what he meant by deceit, except... that night.

"What deceit?" I finally had a clue.

"You were with another man, Estefanía. That's one of the many deceits I discovered," he said.

Another man. I thought to myself. A pang of pain crossed my chest. I looked up at him.

"So, you knew," I couldn't deny it.