When our story first began...

~16~

Arcus and his beloved friends got lost between their unorganized but meaningful chats reviving every lost memory from the old past days when life was still in the palm of their hands. When they used to carelessly do what their hearts wanted. It was indeed hard for them to live, but they took the best out of it, to enjoy every moment they could.

“Life”… what a strong word… There was some time when I used to believe that life was just a lie and illusion for us that would directly lead to death at the end... And I still feel every tear I drenched on my old bed sheets, when I was still living with my parents…

I still remember when I was fifteen years old, my coming out year… And how much I feared it, and imagined every possible reaction I would get from my parents, brother, friends… every person in my life… Mom used to always describe me since my youngest childhood by complementing me in front of her few friends, and every person she knows, even the bakery store's woman from whom she used to get toasts when she is too lazy to bake, about how mature was I even with all my other flaws… Her words were somehow a crown on top of my head, but at the same time, a sword pointed toward my soul… I think normally, I should have been proud of myself more than how my own mom was… but deep inside my heart...I always knew that I was not that strong, responsible neither wise as she used to say and think… deep inside my head... I knew that I was just a lie… an illusion…

I actually knew about who I actually am when I was eight years old, pretty young but I was pretty sure about it too. At that time, my knowledge and vocabulary were not really developed, so I did not know the exact words in order to describe myself, neither to identify myself. But, as soon as I knew about it… I started hating myself… and it was the worst period of my whole life… I did not hate myself as an intern homophobic act, but more like I hated who I was because I felt as if I was a disappointment while in their eyes, I was the only hope left…

I have lost tears, suffered from insomnia for so long, and even tried pretending to be just like most of the other girls at my school… and done things that I never wanted, neither liked… “dating a guy”… I did not hate guys... I actually felt way more comfortable around them, especially my childhood best friend Jack. He was just like me, the weird nerd of the school. It is just that I never had any kind of attraction to them. They were good friends and brothers, that's all.

That bizzare moment when classmates are all together, just laughing and playing… and that famous question hits you up… BOOM! “who’s your crush Jade? No one has ever seen you having a boyfriend before…” and then, your whole body starts shaking and words run away from you as every time. And then nicknames start spreading every where again… “Freak”, “eyeglasses girl”, “nerd”… and the most hurtful one… “fag”… I did not out myself at that time, but people randomly assumed that I did not like guys… Maybe was I too obvious?...

Pain was eating from my soul with every word I heard, every joke told, every punch I got… “Why did things end up being like that?” “Am I really that bad?”

It was when I started searching about myself, and about people who were just like me. It was when I knew how to identify myself. I was attracted to girls. I was “gay” and I loved that word… But the thing that hurt me more, was that I was not actually gay… I was not happy… Because no one actually liked me for who I was… but for the illusion that was made up. So I decided to come out of the comfy but hurting closet…

But... When I got from school with bruises on my face… I was bullied… “I can’t tell them now” I whispered to myself.

I tried hiding everything that happened, so as soon as I entered the house, I rushed to upstairs. Went to my room first, and then passed to the bathroom so I could clean up… This was pretty much the story of my teens… When I used to cry blood out of my eyes because all of those blue hurtful marks all around my arms, those scratches on my neck and injuries on my knees… hided everything... wore a hoodie and pants in the ending of the spring… my parents got suspicious of course… But did not actually show any importance. I came next to them inside the kitchen, where mom was playing some nice old music on the radio. I started singing along with her, with a smile drawn on my face as if nothing has ever happened. Dad sat on a chair next to the entrance of the kitchen with a joyful look on his eyes. He said:

-Don’t you feel hot Jade? ‘cause you seem like you’re sweating a lot !

-Nah! It’s nothing much. I just miss wearing this hoodie, so I putted it on. Nothing important.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, sure! I smiled and continued singing and dancing.

-Jade!... he added… What’s that on your neck sweetheart?

-Eh… nothing dad… hehehe. Wanna taste my yummy tomato sauce that I just made? Pasta for today!! It’s really delicious! I said as I re-fixed my clothes so they would hide every bruise on my skin.

­-Ow, really? Yeah sure.

He stood up from his place and came closer to mom and I. While he was getting more suspicious, mom was not giving any interest. As if she knew but did not want to talk about it.

We had dinner together at 9pm that day. At the dinning table, while my mother and elder brother were eating peacefully, dad’s eyes were piercing into me with a worried glance.

-Do you have something to tell us sweetheart? He didn't not remove his sight from me.

-Oh! Yeah, by the way. tomorrow I’m not gonna come home for lunch at home ‘cause I’ll have a football match with some friends and then imma go for some running next to the beach. Interrupted my brother.

“Damn it! and how much I love you this moment, you seriously just helped escape such a thing that I’m still not ready to talk about.” I whispered inside my head.