The Hockey Player’s Secret Tutor

Prologue.

Lyra's POV

I shouldn’t be here. The thought sits in my chest the moment I walk through the front door of the Carrington house. I do not belong in this world of perfection, and I do not belong at parties meant only for the popular people in school. All the girls wear short mini skirts with their perfect bodies, and the guys are confident and handsome. I stand near the staircase, holding my phone in my hand as if it is my only lifeline, trying to take up as little space as possible.

I know what people are saying behind my back. They call me hippo, or sometimes even worse names. One would think that in the times we live in, people would not body shame others, but it happens whether we like it or not. The perfect people are always the popular ones, while the chubby ones are thrown aside and made fun of. My brother disappears into the crowd as soon as we arrive, leaving me alone, and he is not happy that I have come.

I tug at the hem of my oversized sweater, wishing I had worn something else, something better, something that doesn’t make me feel like I am trying to disappear. I am obviously failing. I know I do not belong here. I never belong in this popular group, and I never belong here, so why do I come? Nate invites me to this party, and I am here, even though my chest tightens at the thought of him.

Nate. I don’t know why I trust him so easily, but I do. For months, he has flipped my world upside down with his words and actions. Sometimes, he looks at me in a way that makes my heart feel light, leans in too close when we talk, or laughs at my jokes like I am the only person in the room. He texts me at night, asking how I am, asking if I need someone to talk to. Sometimes he even brings me my favorite chocolate bars at school, or leaves a note in my locker with a silly little drawing or a message that makes me smile for the rest of the day.

And yet, all of it is confusing, inconsistent, and filled with uncertainty. One day, he acts like I am special, the only girl who matters. Next, he flirts with Veronica, teases me with some casual touch, and then acts like it means nothing. I don’t know what to believe, but I want to believe him, want to cling to the little moments when it feels like he really cares. I think maybe, just maybe, I could be enough for him.

“You should get out more, Lyra,” he says earlier, that familiar smile playing on his lips. “Stop hiding behind books all the time.”

As always, I listen, because it is Nate. If anyone else had invited me, I would not have come. I scan the room again, searching for him, but he is nowhere to be seen, and a small knot forms in my stomach. Perhaps I should leave, because I do not really belong here. My brother tells me they are just going to make fun of me again, especially when the guys have had a few too many drinks. However, I am here for Nate, and I cannot disappoint him. What if he is looking for me? Yeah, right, as if he can’t see me

.

“Maybe he’s just busy,” I tell myself. “He’ll find me. He always does, right?” The longer I stand here alone, the more aware I become of the way people look at me and the way some of them don’t. A group of girls walks past, their laughter sharp and effortless, and one of them glances at me before leaning into her friend and whispering something I can’t hear. They both laugh, and I drop my gaze to the floor, feeling the heat creeping up my neck. It is always the same. I am invisible until I am not, until they notice me and start bullying and teasing me.

I do not want to stand around here by myself anymore, so if Nate wants me to come, then the least I can do is find him. Maybe he’ll tease me like he always does, lean in just a little too close, and make my heart do that stupid, hopeful thing it shouldn’t do anymore. I shake my head, trying to push the thought away, knowing I should know better, but I start looking for Nate anyway.

I move through the house slowly, weaving between people and keeping my head down. The hallway leading to the bedrooms is dimmer, and I hesitate for a second, knowing I shouldn’t go this way, but something pulls me forward anyway. Then I hear it—a soft, breathless, familiar laugh.

My stomach twists because I know that laugh, and everyone knows that laugh. It is Victoria Hale’s laugh, the head cheerleader and girlfriend of Sebastian Carrington. I should turn back, because what if I catch them doing something they shouldn’t? Then I remember the hockey team is not in town this weekend since they have an away game, and my heart starts pounding. Why is she…? No, it doesn’t mean anything. Maybe Sebastian is injured and couldn’t go. However, I cannot stop myself, and I take another step, then another, until I am standing in front of a slightly open door.

The laughter comes from inside, and I know I shouldn’t look, but I cannot stop myself as I push the door open softly. Everything inside me just… stops. Nate and Victoria are lying in a big double bed, and for a second, my brain refuses to understand what I’m seeing. Maybe it is Sebastian, and if I stand here long enough, it will change, and Nate’s face will turn into his brother’s the way it is supposed to be. But nothing changes, and this is real ... so real it hurts.

Victoria’s blonde hair is spread across the pillow, her lips curved in a smile that makes something twist painfully in my chest, while Nate is leaning over her, relaxed and laughing softly like this is nothing, as if they have done this many times. My chest tightens, and I can’t breathe, because this doesn’t make sense, not after everything, not after the way he looks at me, and the way he talks to me, and the way he pretends to care about me.

"No!" My heart shouts, but my lips are silent.

Nate looks up, and our eyes meet. For one tiny second, I think I see something. Maybe surprise, maybe even guilt, but it disappears so fast that I wonder if I imagined it.

“Lyra?” My name sounds so casual coming from him, as if I just walked into a normal situation.

Victoria turns her head, following his gaze, and when her eyes land on me, she smiles. It is not a kind or surprised smile, but a knowing one.

“Oh,” she says lightly, pulling the sheet around herself. “Didn’t know we had an audience.”

My fingers tighten around my phone, and I can’t move, speak, or even think. Nate runs a hand through his hair like this is inconvenient.

“You should knock,” he says.

Those words hit harder than anything else, not the sight of him with her, and not the way he doesn’t look guilty, but those three words, as if this is somehow my fault.

Something cracks inside my chest. It was all lies, the flirting smiles, the times he leaned in too close, and the times he made me feel like maybe I meant something to him, and it all shatters at once. My bubble bursts as reality hits me right where it matters. I grab my heart.

“I…” My voice breaks, and I stop, because what am I even supposed to say? There are no words for this, no words that won’t make me look stupid.

Nate sighs. “Relax,” he says. “It’s not a big deal.”

Not a big deal. The words echo in my head over and over again.

Victoria lets out a soft laugh as she leans back like she’s completely comfortable. “Yeah, Lyra,” she says. “Don’t look so shocked. Ahhh, I forgot ... you are most probably a virgin and have never seen two people naked in bed before. Your poor little virgin eyes.”

She smirks, and her eyes move over me slowly. I know what she is implying, and I know what she wants to say: that I am too fat to get into bed with anyone.

Everything inside me goes quiet, like a door closing. Without saying anything, I take a step back, then another, and another, refusing to cry, not in front of them. I keep backing away until the door is between us, and I cannot see them anymore, and then I walk faster down the hallway and down the stairs. I push through the front door and step out into the cold night air, my chest rising and falling too fast.

I keep walking because I am too unfit to run. I don’t stop, and I don’t look back, because now I understand something I should have realized a long time ago.

Nate was never mine. He never pretends to be. I just convince myself that he cares and loves me. He is only using me for his entertainment, maybe even laughing about me with his friends behind my back. How could the ugly, nerdy, chubby girl think that someone like Nate, the football captain and jock of the school, would ever want her? Besides, it's not like we were dating. He never told me I was his girlfriend or that I was special to him. I just assumed he cared. I just assumed he loved me as much as I love him.