Paris Blues

Emptiness

Emptiness, that was I felt when I woke. My body was exhausted, I heard a terrible headache, my heart was shattered in a way that could never be healed. I knew I would never be the same again after that experience. I asked to hold my son before they took him away. I cried as I held my son close to my chest his pale skin against my dark one. I ran a hand through his soft dark curls wishing so badly to hear him cry just for one second I wanted to hear what he sounded like but my wish never becomes true. Hans had left the room and he left me alone in that room grieving over my son's corpse.

He didn't even bother to come to our son's funeral, I decided to name him Henry Nikolaus Arnett after two great men who had also met an early end to life. The rain poured as I clutched on to Marie sobbing as I watched the tiny casket carrying my son before lowered to the ground. I knew Hans was out somewhere drinking himself to a stupor and when I returned home that day my suspicions were proven correct. I found him passed out on the couch bottles of alcohol everywhere. I went into my son's nursery and locked myself in there. That is how we grieved for our baby. Hans drank every day and I locked myself in our baby's nursery. We lived in the same house but it was like we were far apart.

It had been a few months since Henry's funeral and I was sitting on the couch knitting a scarf for Pierre, I may have lost my son but I still had my Godson. I heard the door open and Hans walked into, I lifted my eyes to look at him before going back to my knitting.

"Hey". He said and I looked up to him.

"Hey". I said looking at him. His eyes were red and he smelled like liquor.

"Would you like your supper". I asked and he nodded.

"Sure why not". He said and I got up going to the kitchen to get his food. I brought it back and put it on the dining table before turning around to go back to the couch.

"I need to talk to you". He said halting my movements. I turned around and took a seat opposite him.

"What?" I asked realizing that this was the most we have said to each other since losing Henry.

"I'm going to need to go back to Germany for a while". He said.

"How long?" I asked

"A couple of weeks". He answered.

"Why do you need to go back?". I asked, my suspicions of his infidelity had not died down and I wanted to know if he was being honest.

"Why do I need to explain myself?" He asked.

"Because I know that you're lying and you're probably going to your woman. Who is she Hans, is it your secretary?". I cried and he sighed in annoyance.

"I'm not cheating on you, how many times do I need to tell you that. It's all in your head". He said.

"Than why do you come home late and why do you need to go to Germany". I cried.

"It's my son's thirteenth birthday dammit!". He yelled banging his fist on the table.

"Oh". I said in a defeated tone, I had almost forgotten that he had a son. That he had children to hold, to play with to tell them that he loves them. I never had that opportunity it was taken away, I envied him.

"Listen I'm sorry for yelling at you. I didn't want to tell you because I knew it would upset you". He said sighing.

"When are you leaving?". I asked.

"Tomorrow". He said and I nodded getting up to my feet.

"Don't bother coming back". I said leaving Hans in the living area. He had another family that needed him and the one thing that was supposed to bond us forever was gone. I didn't see the need to continue our relationship no matter how much I loved him.