A Lie So Beautiful

30. Another side of a coin

Claire's Point Of View.

I can see him, he is running this way with a worried look. Its been a while again since I saw him, how strange.

I would have run to him for a hug normally but now I don't even have the courage to greet him anymore.

He look like a stranger to me, and that scared me too much for my comfort.

Just a few years back he was the one who know me better than myself and I was the one who know everything about him. We were that couple who understand everything about each other, but now we are more distant than a stranger. I wish we could be stranger at the least, at least strangers don't have to act like they don't know each other.

From time to time I wonder what went wrong between us? Was it me that did something wrong or was it him who turn his back or was it us who just fall apart?

Shall I blame myself, him or even us? Shall I be angry for knowing nothing? Or shall I just cooly shrug it off and move on?

Its funny, cause I know it well that if I could have cooly walk it off, then I would never be here right now with tears stinging my eyes every time I see him.

But for the first time I find it relieving that he is not looking at me and his attention is somewhere else. Its scary to even think how I'll react even when he do just a little as to look at me in concern.

But that did not happen as he is talking about mom's condition with Cane.

Jace: How is she? Did something happen? Or is she hurt again?

Cane: She just suddenly faint, I dont know what happen or how or why she faint.

Cane look so distressed right now and I fully understand him cause Mom is sick since last year and her condition is worsening each day. Actually she is suffering from a brain tumor, and since a few months back her condition is worsening. She had been constantly forgetting all things by now, it get so bad to the point that she don't even know where she is when she is home when it happen.

She become clear again after a while, but when her head starts to hurt from time to time. After the seizure she forgot almost everything but after a while of treatment and taking medicine. She will have consciousness again as if nothing was wrong to begin with.

Her sickness and mine included has taken a toll on Cane. And I can't even do anything to help. Except just to worry him more.

I have an illness since as long as I can remember. Its just a seizure, first it will start with a small pain in my chest area and than my heart will ache as if it was going to be ripped right out of my rips. The seizures last around only ten minute at the longest but what comes after that is the worst.

After each seizure for about a week,I won't even be able to move in weakness and continue to feel dizzy and mostly just sleep. But if the seizure happen more than once in a week, it put such a toll on me that it even endangered my life. And even if Iam not dead it leave me in a half dead situation, coma. The irony of my life is I have spent more time unconscious than being conscious.

But even when Iam such a handful, Cane never said anything about me being a burden to him or his family, mom never once even sigh in discontent. They are always there to support me in everything unconditionally, not even once did I feel unloved since I met this people. And I can't be more grateful and thankful to them. Cause I know without them I would have throw myself away a long time ago.

They are my family, my only family. When dad(Chris) left me in the orphanage with no words left behind and no reason given. The young girl of that time cried in agony and shake in fear. Her love, her king, her hero, her protector has abandoned her in such a cold place and in such a cold manner. That reality was too hard to grasp for that little naive heart of hers, that she keep on believing that her dad will be back in no time and everything will be back into normal.

But like that a day turns into two and to there and to four. But the little soul rather than believing that her father is gone, start to think of ways on how to get him back. She think and list down all wrongdoing in her mind so that she can correct everything so that her dad will want her back.

But the only grave sin she could ever think of was eating one extra cookie from the jar when her dad said no more. She think and think to herself on how to get back that cookie and give it back to her dad but nothing works out. She was that helpless that she could not even affort a cookie.

But one thing keeps on bugging her and that was maybe her dad went away cause he was fed up of her always being sick. So the next time a seizure happen, she bites her lips and stop her hiss, curled up in a ball and trying to act as if everything was alright. She tried so hard not to show that she was hurting. But at that time mom came like a warm light in my life.

She was in the orphanage to do some volunteer work and when she saw a small girl writhing in pain and no one doing anything for her, she sympathise and brought her to the hospital running while carrying her small body in her warm arms.

That warm I receive that day as she pick me up and untangle me from my fatal position was the only reason why I could ever grow up normally and happily. I remember fainting as we reach her car but when I woke up I was no longer in the orphanage rather I was in a very loving looking room with a bed so warm and comfortable that I sigh in bliss for the first time in a while.

And the next time I saw the lady again she smile at me and said welcome home my baby. I learn I was adopted. I got to know I have got a new home, but it was not an easy thing to accept. The young girl still hope and hope for her dad to come and get her saying everything will be alright.

She went to the orphanage everyday in suspicion that her dad might come and missed her when she is not there. But again her hope were crushed as months and months past and her dad was nowhere to be seen. After a year and two the girl finally stop coming to the orphanage and start to stop crying herself to sleep at night.

She decide to built her own family and be happy, and so she start to call the lady her mom and her son Cane her brother. And them as a family. Her childhood was more than good, she had a family although she loss one too. But she tried to be happy, and her family was always there to help her with every step she took.

And like that in spite of all her suffering and the despicable sickness she have, she learn to say that her life was good and she was happy.

But the warm hug she received at the day of her most desperate days seems to be losing its warm and that shake my heart in fear. To me its seems just like yesterday when mom comes through the door of my room and said, "welcome home, my daughter".

I have not even said thank you properly yet, I haven't even said that I love her enough, I haven't done anything for her yet and here she has already start to forget about me. Why does life has to be so cruel?

Was it really necessary for her to be this sick? Can't she just be fine again? We have so much more that we can do together, what is this.

Just then I feel someone touch me and when I look up Jace was there kneeling in front of where Iam sitting and looking at me worriedly. He raised his hand and wipe my tears and that was when I realise I was crying again.

Jace: You okay?

I want to shout out that I was not fine and that I can't even find a way to act like Iam fine. I wanna cry out and said that everything hurt so much, that I can't bear it anymore. I wanna be angry at him, why isnt he there with me at such a hard time. I wanna ask just for a hug so that I can feel Iam doing okay and am still here just for a while. I really wanna hear him say that everything will be alright and that he will be here for me.

But I know better than that, so I forcibly wipe my tears and stop myself from crying. And rather than saying all the things I want to, I chose to ignore them.

Claire: Where is Cane?

Jace: He just went out to buy some medicine.

How come I didn't even notice that. I must have been too into thinking.

Jace: The doctor says there is no danger for now, dont worry too much.

What a relief, its as if my breath has finally come back to me. But I know better than that, the one in front of me is Jace. My emotions are never properly intact when he is near me, its been always like this from before. Although before it was due to all the the tingling feeling I get because we were crazily in love, but now the sadness overwhelm me, so much so that it leave me blank of any other emotion.

I know I'll cry again if I stay here more so I stand up and quickly excuse myself with going to the bathroom.

I saw him being flustered and a wave of helplessness pass by in his eye as I quickly stand up but I don't seem to have enough energy to care for it. I can hardly focus on myself let alone others.

I quickly go to the bathroom and tries to calm my emotion down. But as I look up in the mirror, the image I saw seems to be a broken soul. Helpless and tired of everything. She look scarily crushed and torn apart, that I could hardly recognise her. Where did the Claire I know went? If she was here, she will definitely be smiling. I miss her.

Maybe like the young careless Claire disappear with dad, the youthful and smiling Claire also left with Jace when he left.

Jace was my love and still is. He was a friend of Cane first so we meet when I was adopted and knew each other since we were kids. We become friends first and then slowly best friends and then magically we become lovers. We were each other first love and I was hoping we would be each other last but that just doesn't seems to be possible anymore.

Jace was always there for me and always support me in anything I do. He loves me more than anything and he make sure to show it in every way possible. With him I feel cherished, I feel wanted and loved and I could have ask for nothing more and I aso love him with everything I got. We were so happy in our own little world filled with our love. Mom and Cane were also happy for us and like that we got engaged happily.

But after just a week of getting engaged, everything turn upside down. I got a seizure again but this time it was too bad and much much longer than usual. Cane said due to this I was in coma for six month and that everyone was loosing hope that I will ever woke up again.

He said miraculously a doctor come up with a diagnosis after this long. Although I have been sick for more than two decades by this time, I was still yet to be diagnosed, all doctor don't know what was wrong with me. So all they were doing till then was finding ways to nurture my body after each seizure and not treating the seizure itself.

But that doctor said they don't have the cure yet, they just have a temporary measure to stop the seizure. But I was okay with that, no I was happy with it. At least we have something now.

But even before I could ask what the diagnosis was or how to treat it, a bomb was drop on me again. Jace has left me.

I remember thinking how can that be true, all was fine before so why now? I wanted to shout at him to come back to me and talk to me so we could figure something out. But before I can even understand what's going on, Jace come to meet me and said that he want to break the engagement.

He give me no explanation other than he was tired of us, and he just want to end everything.

I was so angry at first that I yell at him, but I realise this was Jace and no one else. This was the guy I fell in love with. He is just not someone else. With that thought I thought he must have reasons and I'll try to understand what happen but he was not willing to even meet me let alone share.

I was not going to give up and find out what the reason was even if its the last thing I do. But then my health was not keeping up with me, I once again got a seizure. And the next time I wake up I realise I should stop. If he wants to go, then let him be. Anyway who wants a girl who is this sick and don't even know what is wrong with her. I realise that I will only bring him pain so I gave up, I gave up on myself, I gave up on him and us.

I was suffering by myself but not even a month in after that and he has already move on. He has meet someone else, that break me more than anything I have imagine. I cried and cried by myself at how ridiculous and hurt the situation make me feel and I thought that was the worst of this, but I was wrong again.

By this time my heath was deteriorating in a fast pace and one thing led to another and I was too weak again and got another seizure putting me into coma again.

The next time I woke up, Cane once again told me that its been nearly a year again. The two month I struggle to stay conscious, I was in and out of consciousness. The third month I was improving a lot, and the fourth month I could move around. It has already been two year since my engagement was broken.

But to me it was just last week, but I tried my best to move on and not go weak. But the worst happen again, I run into them. Jace and his new girlfriend, he had move on unlike me and he moved on to someone I know all too well, Mia.

Mia is my sister who dad raised with love unlike me. She was not sick unlike me, she was beautiful and bright unlike me. Dad chose her and now Jace too. I tried so hard to be happy for her but I couldn't. The unfairness of the situation just anger me too much, that I have even start to divert my anger towards Mia who was innocent all along.

That was why I kiss Jace when I saw her standing there, I just want her to be hurt too, just once. I was focusing too much on my anger that I forgot she is my sister, the little one who always follow me around. I cannot do that to her, I cannot hurt her like this. So I just again focus on not to meet Jace again.

Cause I don't want to be more sorry than I already have.

While I was on my thoughts I got a message from Cane asking where Iam so I quickly wipe my tears, clean myself up a little and then went out.

But just as I walk out I saw dad and it seems to be like my world has just stop. The last time I saw him was him with Mia celebrating her birthday in a restruant. He was on a call while walking towards me. And I don't know why I did it but I quickly hide from him and stand behind the wall.

He look much older than the last time I saw him, he have aged so beautifully it scared me. I really wanna go out and hug him saying I miss him but I know I couldn't. He won't want it anyway. I heard him talking on the phone and I guess he is on a call with Mia.

Chris: Hey, Mia. Are you home?

Chris: Shall I come pick you up on my way?

Chris: Okay, I'll be there soon.

And he walk away not turning back again. And me I look at his back not knowing what to feel. I was jealous of Mia that she could have dad but not me.

But because I have a family too, I learn to be okay with it. I guess instead of hating him and being angry, I should just be happy that I have Cane and mom and take it as all of us taking a different path.

But the question of why? Why does he not want me always breaks my heart.