The Words That I Cannot Speak

4 - Let's Call Us a Secret, Like Your Identity

[Sweet Talker]: You know what's scary?

[Me]: What?

[Sweet Talker]: Long distance relationships after only knowing that person online

Sam sent Haley messages to greet her first thing in the morning every single day without fail. It was the same every single night and Haley could not have been more grateful for her. It had become a routine for Haley to check her phone and see if Sam sent her a message.

And while Haley was as happy as can be in the early hours of the day, the ones that follow after school were different. Sam had to work and she would be exhausted at the end of the day, which would mean that the girl would doze off upon arriving home. At least, Haley was aware of her whereabouts that Tuesday. She didn't particularly like that Sam worked, having loved her company more than anyone else's and it was virtually impossible to talk to her during weekdays.

It was Wednesday now, and Sam was miraculously awake.

Haley was in the living room with her family, watching an action movie that everybody seemed to enjoy. It may have been an inappropriate reaction to giggle during which time the protagonist's daughter was abducted, earning the oldest Wilson child questioning looks from her family.

Thankfully, they didn't prod.

[Me]: Why?

Scared of getting catfished?

Trust issues?

I thought you said you weren't dating anyone

[Sweet Talker]: I'm not and nope, it's not just that

I mean, loyalty is somehow easy to check

But getting catfished would be terrible

[Me]: So, what is it, then?

[Sweet Talker]: Dude!

What if the person only looks fragrant?

And when you're finally together, she has the most pungent smell in the world!!!

Like idk dumpster mouth?

What then, Hales?

And you have to kiss them, too

Relationships require kissing

What if they have very bad breath???

And you can't even ask them in advance

You know, questions like: hey, do you have bad breath?

That's not as casual as: hey, where have you been?

Do you understand the dilemma?!?!?!

Clearly, Sam was getting used to having an open line with Haley. She even used her a nickname.

Haley sent her head back, releasing a hearty laugh that rippled from her stomach and burst out of her mouth. She clutch her burning stomach from the way her abdominal muscles flexed to compensate for the jovial sound. She held her phone against her chest with her other hand, squeezing her eyes shut. Her lungs weren't in better shape but she was definitely happy amid the struggle.

She needed a moment to cope with the onslaught of message from an apparently frantic Sam. She hadn't had an innocent conversation that was as entertaining in such a long time and she felt the need to thank the heavens for blessing Sam with the courage to send her those text messages and withheld her from confessing feelings for Meg.

Funny how life works out.

[Me]: That was so priceless!! I'm dying!!!

I can't breathe!!!!

By the time Haley calmed down, she was wiping the happy tears from her eyes. Taking a deep breath, she looked up to inspect her family, only to find that she was in the spotlight of curious pairs of eyes. She was too busy cackling away that she didn't notice that the TV volume had been significantly reduced to hushed murmurs. Her father, Jack, who sat at the end of the large couch next to her mother, Carol raised his brows at her, quietly asking her what the commotion was about as he struggled to keep his lips from curving into an amused grin.

Haley cleared her throat, suddenly apprehensive. She waved her hand dismissively, flashing her family a flustered grin and murmured,

"As you were."

It was the rest of the Wilsons’ turn to laugh and Haley could not even narrow her eyes decently for a playful squint. Thankfully for her, Jack turned the volume back up without asking questions, allowing Haley to sink in the matching sofa chair she occupied, away from her family.

[Sweet Talker]: It's a real concern, Haley!

[Me]: Of course, it is

[Sweet Talker]: Don’t give me that patronizing comment

[Me:] So, Sam

[Sweet Talker]: What?

[Me:] Do you have bad breath?

[Sweet Talker]: I DO NOT!!!

[Me]: Good

[Sweet Talker]: What was that for?

[Me]: Nothing

[Sweet Talker]: Was that...

You CANNOT play with me, you little...

[Me]: s**t?

lol it's okay. I won't be offended

And I'm not playing with you. I am genuinely curious

For research

Haley was aware she was flirting and even then, she went on with her voyage. It was surreal to be laughing as much as she was while talking to someone she could potentially have a relationship with.

It was different with Megan, she realized. She always gave, and Megan always took.

[Sweet Talker]: Research, huh?

[Me]: Yep

And that's good then

[Sweet Talker]: I guess it is

[Me]: Sam?

[Sweet Talker]: What now, Haley?

I'm trying to sound bored but I'm really not

Don't get the wrong impression

I mean I think we're at that level of ‘closeness’ to start joking

Or am I just assuming?

Sorry if I am

[Me]: lmao calm down

And you weren't just assuming

Back to my question

Can you kiss?

[Sweet Talker]: I think so. I've kissed a couple of people

Most of them while in that Halloween party last year...

My friend Cody told me I got pretty wasted and got dared to kiss a couple of people

I feel a little embarrassed by it

Haley initially felt mischievous asking about Sam's ability to use her lips. But learning of Sam's kissing partners stung. She did not know how to label her feelings about it but she knew it hurt. It could have been concern for Sam's safety, given than she had been drunk and she had no clue what party Sam was talking about. But it was leaning towards something else and Haley was too afraid to admit it.

Jealousy.

At least, she couldn't deny that she liked Sam's company - she almost craved it.

And of course, acting like nothing bothered her wasn't easy.

That little twinge in her chest was too raw to ignore.

[Me]: Okay...

How come I haven't heard of that party?

[Sweet Talker]: Oh, it was in Dallas.

[Me]: Parties in Grand Prairie not good enough for ya?

[Sweet Talker]: It's less than 30 minutes away

[Me]: Define ‘a couple’

She was still not over it. She somehow considered those insignificant people her competition and she had begun to question if she could kiss. Haley could only remember kissing a handful of people and she had denied every single one of them the opportunity to shove their tongues in her mouth.

[Sweet Talker]: More than 3?

Okay, maybe more than 5 idk

More than a couple

Idk how I got that drunk to be honest

[Me]: Anything else happen?

[Sweet Talker]: Nope

Cody brought us home before I could get into any more trouble

[Me]: Does Cody go to Turner?

[Sweet Talker]: No he's my mom’s friend’s kid that I met when I was little

What about you?

I heard Jane's party last year was off the hook

[Me]: For them

I babysat Megan

She would have cheated on Francis if I didn't

She was wasted

Blackout drunk

[Sweet Talker]: Damn!

You didn’t drink?

[Me]: Half a solo cup of beer, I think

[Sweet Talker]: You've been doing an awful lot of things for Meg

[Me]: Yeah...

She's done more things for me though

Haley was in trouble. She could not think of any favors Megan had done for her.

Truthfully, Megan could have accepted multiple trophies for worst best friend of the year while Haley would receive the polar opposite of the award. Haley knew she would do anything for her best friend and she would do them without question. Megan had it easy and she didn't have to lift a finger, nor did she show any gratitude towards Haley. It just got worse when Francis was in the picture.

Before her feelings for her best friend surfaced, Haley hadn't really gotten her heart broken. She hadn't really been passionately in love. She was an easy friend - low maintenance. Hence, Megan had no responsibilities to her.

And so, if Sam were to ask Haley to enumerate all the favors Megan had done for Haley, Haley wouldn't have much to say except those times Meg let her copy her Physics homework.

Thankfully, Sam wasn't too intrusive.

[Sweet Talker]: Then I’m glad to hear that

How was your day?

[Me]: it was okay

It was normal plus talking to you

[Sweet Talker]: Plus talking to me

[Me]: Which is kinda a new normal if you decide to stick around

[Sweet Talker]: I'll be here for as long as you want me

[Me]: Good

Thanks

I'm here for you, too

Are you sure you don't secretly hate me?

All these things I'm telling you, they're not supposed to come out

And I'd feel like a total i***t if you suddenly became that b***h who's been out to get me

And you've been trying to make me believe you're a friend to get more blackmail-worthy info

[Sweet Talker]: Lol conspiracy theories

I don't think anyone would even think of doing that to you

You have no idea how many guys and girls look at you and I just know they want you

They have predator eyes

[Me]: Predator eyes lol

Do they growl, too?

Hiss?

[Sweet Talker]: I'm serious

If anything, I might hate Megan

Maybe not hate

Hate is a strong word, dislike is better

[Me]: Why would you dislike Meg?

[Sweet Talker]: She doesn't know what she's missing, letting you go like that

[Me]: We didn't date

And she’s straight

[Sweet Talker]: But you could have and thinking about that kinda hurts

[Me]: Kinda?

[Sweet Talker]: I mean, it's not like you like me

Don't comment on that

Anyway, I have to go. I’m so tired and I’m secretly embarrassed by the direction of the conversation

Good night, Haley! Have the sweetest dreams!

[Me]: Lol don’t be

Good night! You, too!

[Sweet Talker]: Oh and, Happy V-Day in a couple of hours!

[Me]: Happy V-Day, Sam :)

Through her smile, Haley sighed. It was early in her eyes, it was only a couple of minutes after eleven. But then again, she didn't work. She didn't know how it felt to study and work at the same time, her parents put heavy emphasis on education and discouraged them for looking for a job.

Deciding against venturing deep into the realms of her thoughts, she refocused her vision onto the TV screen but not before looking at her family, squeezed in the sofa. Jack sat back, arms crossed, intently watching the movie. Jessica had her head on Carol's shoulder while her brother Nick's draped his legs over the arm rest, his body leaning against their mother.

[Sweet Talker]: Wait! Before I sleep, I need to ask you a question

[Me]: Go ahead

[Sweet Talker]: Will you be my (virtual) valentine?

[Me]: YES!!!

[Sweet Talker]: Awesome!!!!

I can't breathe!!!!!

I can't believe it!!!!

I can't

[Me]: Go to bed!!!

I wouldn't dare say no to you though

#justsayin

[Sweet Talker]: Really? Hashtags?

That just made you less cool jks

Yeah, I'll turn in cause I can’t keep my eyes open

Good night again

Thanks for saying yes

[Me]: Thanks for asking me

Good night, Samantha

It is Samantha, right?

[Sweet Talker]: DO NOT CALL ME THAT EVER AGAIN

But yes, you are correct

[Me]: I make no such promises

Haley smiled, a giddy feeling bouncing amongst the atoms of her body.

-

Thursday morning, Sam's name was already flashing when Haley opened her phone. Whatever grievances she had over picking the device up first thing in the morning had been gone since that Monday. It definitely didn't hurt to start her day with a smile.

Haley still had reservations with the mysteries that Sam was adamant on upholding and the little skeptical fire within her had never really been put out.

Shrugging, Haley went about her routine and hopped in her car to school. Her old, trusty red sedan had managed to bring her to school without fail. It seemed like a normal enough day and as she slipped through the double doors of the school, Haley's spirits were crushed.

She didn't know what she was expecting and with Sam's apparent eagerness for the occasion, she was hoping she would finally show herself.

But she didn't.

And as Haley walked through the halls amid the ecstatic girls who received their presents from their significant others, she groaned. It was a complete mockery. Her heart had been broken by Megan's departure and Sam may have stomped on it.

Haley's gaze remained on the floor as she sauntered over to her locker. She coursed through the hallways enough for her to navigate through it without actually seeing anything above the shiny linoleum.

Reaching up, she expected to feel the cold metal of the lock but felt something else. Furrowing her brows, she looked up to find a single red rose with its long stem slipped through the c***k. Butterflies invaded her belly, swirling up to surround her heart as she brought the flower up to her nose, the velvety crimson petals were soft as silk against her skin.

Who was it from? The question kept Haley from celebrating or hoping that it was from Sam. She was her valentine after all. She hurriedly pried her locker door open, hoping to find a clue in there somewhere.

To one side of the small encasement was a small folded piece of paper and Haley's heart was fighting to free itself from its own cage. Her clammy hand reached for the note while her lungs attempted to function through her suffocating pulse.

Hi, Haley!

I know I said I can't ask you out but that didn't mean I can't give you a flower. No one else deserves one more than you do and I'd fight every sucker who doesn't agree with me. I'll most likely be beaten and bruised but I'll go down fighting.

I thought about approaching you today but I don't know, I just am not ready yet. I hope you forgive me.

I am still over the moon after you agreed to be my valentine.

Have the most beautiful day! If it's half as beautiful as you, it'd be more than enough.

-Sam

That was their first tangible connection, the convergence of their two worlds.

Grinning, Haley felt an inexplicable satisfaction when she found that name. She feared that she'd burst with so much joy agitating her entire body. Sam was the sweetest and she could not wait for the day they could finally meet.

Situating the flower against her nose once more, Haley took a deep breath. It was then that she felt her phone vibrate from her front pocket. Carefully, she set the flower and the note back in her locker as she retrieved the device.

It was Sam.

[Sweet Talker]: Better get going, Hales

The bell will ring in eight minutes

[Me]: Thank you, Sam!!! :)

[Sweet Talker]: Do you like it?

I'm shaking because I'm nervous

I’m nervous when I talk to you

[Me]: I love it :)

Thank you!

You made my day

[Sweet Talker]: You're welcome :)

Checking the time, Haley shoved her phone back in her pockets. She deposited the books she didn't need and neatly set the flower to one side to keep it from being crushed with everything else that was inside. She kept the note with her, putting it within pages of her notebook.

Haley rushed to class. Her favorite teacher, Mr. Alvarado taught the class and she didn’t want to be late. She found it strange to find the entire classroom staring at her upon entering the room but she chose to shrug it off. Their meaningful glances were justified when she found color bursting on top of her desk.

"Miss Wilson, this is for you." Mr. Alvarado extended his hand and offered a card along with his smile. The glimmer in his eyes spelled excitement.

Haley thanked accepted the card and sauntered over to her desk. She opened the card, fearing that it was from another person but sighed in relief when she recognized the childlike handwriting she had been introduced to just a couple of minutes prior.

Haley,

Hi again.

I don't know how this whole thing works but my mom said girls like flowers, sweets and stuffed animals, and I went a little crazy. I didn't know which ones you liked, so I just picked them all. She thinks I'm being adorable and she would like to meet you one day. I don’t think I’m adorable. Oh, the little bunny's name is Scratchy. It's totally changeable but please tell me if you do change his name. Actually, no, you don't have to.

The rose you found in your locker was part of this bouquet. There was no way I could fit this in even if I had your combination.

I like you, Haley but I'm not expecting anything from this, whatever we have, or from you. I'm just happy to have kept you company for three days and 14 hours or so.

I'm not counting.

Happy Valentine's Day!

-Sam

As much as she’d like to keep herself from smiling ear to ear, Haley didn’t have a choice. The little gray stuffed animal was on her chair and she couldn’t help but press it against her chest as she took its place.

Where was Sam when she needed someone to fall in love with?

Loving seemed so easy to Sam.

Haley could see herself feeling something more than the simple attraction.

The warning bell did not ring just yet. Or maybe it did, Haley wasn't sure but she needed to send a message or four.

[Me]: To answer your letter, yes, you are!

You're the most adorable and I want to hug you right now!

I don't even know what to say

I love them! Scratchy’s adorable. Thank you so much!

"I know all of you are jealous that your boyfriends didn't think of surprising you like that." Mr. Alvarado quipped, scratching at the patch of shortly trimmed beard beneath his jaw. He nodded towards Haley, addressing her. "And Miss Wilson, I think it's really sweet but I'll give you five minutes to clear your desk, and text the boy who gave them to you."

"They're from a girl, sir." Haley spoke up immediately, unashamed to divulge on a seemingly sensitive information.

And yet, she felt pride. They were from Sam and Haley would be damned if the world didn't know that.

"Layla?" The teacher was perplexed, taking his head back as his brows scrunched up. Slowly, a smile crept onto his lips as he incessantly nodded his approval. "Good job. Didn’t think she had it in her."

Haley was more than confused. Mr. Alvarado seemed to know who Sam was but she was perplexed as to why he called her a different name.

"Sam?" Ashley, the girl who sat to her right whispered to herself, disbelief radiating in that one word, and Haley wasn't aware if she should be happy someone knew her Sam or furious that she didn’t give her her real name. "Wow. She finally grew a pair."

“Five minutes, Miss Wilson. And the rest of you, pen and paper.”

Haley wanted to talk to the girl who sat beside her but to no avail. Mr. Alvarado had given them a pop quiz and when the bell rang, the girl seemed to have been rushing out, most likely to confront Sam. And as much as Haley wanted to follow her, she had a bunch of baggage to haul to her locker and maybe to Jane's, as well. Or her car, if she had time.

Haley had no luck trying to send Sam messages in between classes. Everyone seemed to have something to tell her and it frustrated her that she almost yelled at Holly.

It was lunch time when she was able to simply sit down to compose a text message. She contemplated on calling Sam and she feared that she might lack the ability to speak with the way her heart beat against her chest.

Haley decided a phone call was warranted and by then, her lung function had been threatened. Her hand shook as she hit the green button.

Alas, Sam's phone was switched off. That didn’t mean she couldn’t text her, though.

[Me]: Why did Mr. Alvarado call you Layla?

And Ashley Burns seemed to know who he was talking about

Is Sam really your name?