The Words That I Cannot Speak

3 - Promises Made By Sweet Strangers

[Me]: Somehow, I have a strong feeling you were that girl in jeans and a gray sweater

Slim

White sneakers

And not really short but shorter than me, I think

Could you please tell me if I'm right?

Haley might have appeared calm in her text messages but she was definitely not. She frantically sent them without allowing her fingers to idle. There was a very reasonable part of her that kept her from blurting out the very first thing that caught her attention. She couldn't say ‘yeah, you were the girl with the ass’ because that might not be respectful.

But could anyone blame her if she did?

No, definitely not.

Haley inspected each girl ambling through the wide-open door before sending those messages. She was grateful to find that one of them was a blonde girl she recognized from one of her classes and another, a brunette she was certain was an underclassman. That left two other girls, and it was as if her eyes were an opposite pole that was attracted to the other magnet that was Sam's body.

The other brunette walked alone and in her hand was her phone, which suspiciously lit up after Haley sent the barrage of messages. She was in the ‘generic jeans and top’ that Sam evasively told her earlier but her gut was telling her that wasn't the girl she was looking for. The last girl, who Haley was sure was Sam, was slipping her phone in her back pocket, conversing with a tall blonde boy and actually enjoying his company. The girl suddenly pushed her laughing friend by the shoulder, playfully marching away from him but he grabbed her, swinging his arm over her shoulder.

Haley could feel a noticeable twinge within her. It was premature to assume that it was jealousy, but if it was, it could have been the thought that other people could enjoy an unrestrained fun time with Sam and she couldn't.

That was it, Haley resolutely concluded.

Clearly, she hadn’t felt as excited as she was in a long time, trying to get to know a stranger who had wormed her way into the forefront of her mind.

The bell rang not long after and Haley's salad remained cold and untouched. The crisp leaves of her iceberg lettuce were overwhelmed by the wilting moisture of the now translucent dressing. Jane and the Whittaker siblings begrudgingly pushed themselves up to their feet upon the signal, taking their sweet, hungover time.

Haley patiently waited for Sam's messages but they didn’t come. Her mind was overworked and the engine of her entire body was heating up. School wasn't much of a distraction and not even the conversation she and Jane had before the end of the school day. She’d spent it halfheartedly making fun of the girl, picking on the bun she wore knowing full well Jane would have chosen to style her blonde locks had she had the time and energy that even a ponytail would look sophisticated. On any other day, it would have been Jane who picked on her for fun. Her flamboyant personality could brighten an entire room and her relentless jokes would have colored Haley’s cheeks red but she knew when her friend needed a shoulder to cry on, something Megan was too selfish to notice.

“You talked to Megan yet?” Jane asked, her distaste for the girl she considered her friend was transparent in her tired eyes.

“No. But it’s fine.” Haley was quick to appease but Jane had heard it all far too often, and gone were the times she chose to mince her words.

Megan had a way to make anyone feel special and Haley was the recipient of her affections for a long time until Francis came along. Their movie nights would be interrupted by phone calls. Their outings would include him, often making Haley feel left out. And when they were at school, where he could not be with her, Megan would spend their time talking about him.

It led Haley to assume it was love because of the jealousy surging in her veins.

And for a long time, she believed it was.

“It’s not.” Jane dismissed, shaking her head to discourage her from lying. “I know you miss her. I kinda miss her, too.” She scrunched her face as if it pained her to admit it. She lowered her voice, looking around to see if anyone could hear before she continued. “But this is your chance to move on if you really think you love her or your chance to see that you just miss the best friend you’ve grown up with even if she was right next to you.”

“Why don’t you believe me when I tell you I do?”

“Honestly, Hales, it’s like convenient love. You already love her as your best friend, you’re always together so it makes sense to fall in love. It’s true for a lot of people, but not for everyone.” She frowned, fear clouded her gaze and for a moment, she didn’t seem to want to divulge on her thoughts but she felt like Haley needed to hear it. She grabbed her shoulders, staring her in the eyes. “Please don’t hate me but I think you started to think of her that way when she started dating and you saw who or what she is around Francis. She takes care of him, she’s affectionate, the perfect girlfriend and you want that but it doesn’t necessarily have to be her.”

Haley could tell Jane had been keeping those sentiments to herself for a really long time but feared she wouldn’t take it well. But timing couldn’t have been better. Megan would have been right there with them had she stayed, and Jane wouldn’t have had the chance to say her piece.

There was a lot to think about. Haley might have disagreed with Jane when she told her the distance would be good when she first confided in her but she was slowly seeing where her friend was coming from.

“Are we good?”

“Yeah. Thanks for that.”

“Okay, good cause we need to postpone this conversation until my headache stops. I really need to go home, take a nap.” Jane squeezed her eyes shut, trying to clear her bleary vision. “Can you give me a ride?”

“Sure.”

By four thirty, Haley was dragging her feet up to her room. She couldn’t stop thinking about what Jane told her while unconsciously checking her phone, seeing if Sam finally replied.

She hadn’t.

Haley threw her backpack onto the chair by her desk and crashed onto her bed, phone in her hand. She let out a sigh, staring at the mundane ceiling as her thoughts raced against her pulse, running around an endless track that never yielded her answers. Her apprehension led her to assume the worst and if she were to bottle everything up, she would implode or be sucked into misery without an escape.

It would be nice to have discussed her problems with Meg and yet, it wouldn't have helped. Her best friend would take the time to tease her before she could feel any sort of comfort from her. In retrospect, Haley always thought Jane’s hugs were a lot warmer than Megan’s, and now, she wondered what it would feel to hold Sam.

Having left with no other choice, Haley brought her phone up to her eye-level, holding it with both hands and typed away.

[Me]: I was right, right? That was you, right?

Did I scare you off? I didn't look for you after. Well, maybe that’s a lie

I did try to look for you in the places that I was in

In class. By my locker. The parking lot. The hallways that I normally pass by

But I didn't go around the school just to look for you, which I would have but didn't because I promised you I wouldn't

I'm very curious and if I was a cat, I'd be dead by now

Haley felt a little pathetic; she was beginning to feel anger to make up for the shame that surfaced. It was a good defense mechanism, she argued against herself.

It was for self-preservation and she didn't have much to preserve.

Haley's gaze remained at the bottom of her screen for an overwhelming amount of time, anticipating Sam's messages. Long, agonizing minutes later, she had accepted Sam's silence somehow - more like, gave up hoping for a message or two. If the world was being generous, she'd wish for more than two but it seemed to be selfish.

When her little sister, Jessica beckoned her for dinner, Haley threw her dauntingly quiet phone onto her bed and marched down to join her family. Her parents consoled her, assuming that her change in demeanor was brought about by Megan's absence. They even tried to provide their oldest child several reasons to make up for their decision to keep her from joining that party the night before in the hopes of at least cracking a smile.

Had Megan been more present in the past few months, she’d have felt her loss more, Haley realized. As she sat with her friends at lunch, she realized they were all she had for the past few months.

For her family, Haley was cordial until she sauntered up to her bedroom and locked the door. She opted to complete her homework and skipped checking her phone. She purposely bypassed disappointment and settled on her desk, on a date with Literature and Composition.

Why was she even upset over someone she had just met? They hadn't even met. What was wrong with her?

Still, she had no answers.

Regardless, when her phone went off at nine forty-nine, signaling a call, Haley hoped it was Sam. If the overwhelming surge of excitement at the possibility of it being the certain brunette wouldn't have tampered with her rational thoughts, Haley would have remembered it was an assigned ring tone. She would have known it was Megan's. Her entire body tingled with eagerness as if fingers grazed the strings of a guitar, reverberating with music while her chest released a chilling sensation all throughout her body.

Her heart could have killed her right then and there, and when she found the name, it still raced. Only that, it was of disappointment and an apparent anxiousness about Sam's whereabouts.

That conversation with Jane threw her off and it was all that she thought about when her mind wasn’t wondering where Sam was and why she hadn’t reached out.

"Hey, Meg." She breathed, unable to cloak the disappointment in her tone as she sat down on the edge of her bed, pressing her phone against her ear. "What's up?"

"Why don't you sound excited to talk to me, baby girl?" Said Megan in her clear, mature voice which dripped with confusion amid the playfulness. "Don't you miss me?"

The nickname once gave her hope. It would have hit the gas pedal of her heart, slamming it to full speed as a commotion of butterflies would have settled in her belly. All the while, hurting her chest at the knowledge that her feelings would not be returned.

But it didn't. Sam had messed with her norm after only a day of texting.

Truthfully, she, too, expected a very excited greeting to have been undulated by her scratchy, raspy voice. Instead, it came out flat as her hand travelled up to brush her hair, tousling the voluminous tresses - just the way Sam liked it.

"Uh...homework. It's nothing." Haley offered, scrambling to find the best way out of the situation. She wasn't lying, per se. It was just that she withheld the real reason in the undertone of her voice. "Of course, I miss you."

"Okay...” She trailed off, clearly not buying her answer. “How was school without me?"

"It was better." Haley jested, sounding severely serious. "No clingy best friend around."

"Ha-ha! Very funny." Megan jokingly groused, proving that Haley's sarcastic jab delivered, effectively taking her attention away from her sour disposition.

“How’s Nashville?”

"It’s not bad. I just wish you were here."

"I'd only disturb your time with Francis."

"Are you jealous?" She queried disbelievingly despite a very light chuckle. It was a joke, but at one point, Haley’s answer would have been a yes but she would never admit it. "You know I'd always make time for you. My boyfriend can wait."

That wasn't entirely true.

Megan's priority had always been Francis. She and her boyfriend had been together for over three years and in that duration, Haley had to adjust to the change and take the back seat. It wasn't all too sudden. Megan had excitedly told her best friend about the boy, who had asked her out and she graciously asked her opinion without knowing of the knife she slowly sank in Haley's heart.

"You wish." Haley retorted with a splice of attitude that never seemed to faze Megan; instead, making the girl laugh.

"Did you meet a boy yet, baby girl?"

There had always been some gossip revolving around Turner High on Haley's sexuality that even Francis asked Megan about it. She had been constantly caught staring at Megan way too long and she apparently hadn't been so subtle about it. It hadn't been much of a nuisance as students haven't really been pestering her with it. However, Megan never believed them just because she trusted that Haley would have told her.

But even when the gossip reached her ears, Megan's affection never wavered.

"It has only been a day since you moved, Meg."

And yet it felt like a lifetime ago.

"We can always make you a Tinder account." Megan joked, laughing to her heart's content. "I'd make you cool profile. But I mean, after they see your face, whatever I wrote wouldn't matter. My bestie's hot."

Hot is a good word, Haley thought. But beautiful sounded so much better and so much more sincere even when they were spoken in written words. Haley was unconsciously comparing Megan and Sam and at that point, the latter was the clear victor.

But of course, it’s only because one clearly liked her while the other only saw her as a friend.

"I'm only second after you, Meg." Haley said, adjusting into the bed and sitting against the headboard, extending her legs.

"Thank you but you know your eyes can make anyone melt."

"Whatever." She rolled the objects in question amid her persistent grin. Leaning back, the back of her head met the timber structure and she adjusted to find a comfortable position. "How's school there?"

"It's fine." Megan admitted with a hint of regret. "But I was serious about it being better with you. I just feel bad mostly. We were close to graduating together."

"I get it." Haley exhaled, sealing her eyes in the hopes of hiding from the glaring truth. "I just hope your family does."

"Oh, they still hate me but they should just accept the fact that I'm happy with Francis. I'm eighteen.”

The Stokes weren't too pleased about Megan's decision and no matter how much they objected, there wasn't much they could have done and they have exhausted every option they had to keep Megan home but to no avail.

Like she said, she was eighteen.

Haley could hear the faint sound of the door creaking open, followed by a familiar voice she'd grown to despise in the years that she was forced to be cordial with her best friend's boyfriend. It was Francis coming into his and Megan's apartment. And while Haley's throat had words ready to unleash, she bit her tongue with the knowledge that Megan would end the phone call, and she was right.

"Hey, I'm sorry but I have to go." Megan reluctantly told her, sighing in the process.

"It's okay. Go." Haley told her, willing herself to sound as jovial as possible. "Use protection."

"I'm still waiting for the day I actually tell you that." Megan laughed, her voice wavering with her laughter. "I miss you, baby girl."

"You, too."

"Love you! Bye!"

"I love you, too. Bye, Meg."

Haley watched as her phone turned red, signing that the call had ended. She was tired of the trend. Megan would take her to great heights and then Francis comes in, she would abandon Haley with such ease despite her remorse. It was exhausting and Haley didn't know how she allowed that to happen for over three years.

Megan was obviously in love with her boyfriend.

There was only one person, who had easily brought her mind away from Megan and that thought shoved her deep into the harrowing torture she was trying to escape from.

Haley let out a frustrated huff. She plugged her phone onto the charger and went to the bathroom, getting ready for bed. Maybe she was meant to cry her eyes out for weeks like she had assumed upon Megan's departure. And she had no energy to crawl out of the void that had a firm grip on her.

A part of her felt remorse at the thought that she may have only been using Sam as a distraction. But there was no denying that Sam had made her happy, when she thought that she was going to sleep cloaked in heartbreak and cheeks painted with tears. She was in deep thought while brushing her teeth and it wasn't any different when she was applying acne cream onto her face, making careful circles.

Haley was in the middle of yanking her duvet from being tucked beneath the mattress when her phone chimed. She hurriedly lunged at the device, jumping into bed and almost falling off it. When she found the name, the chaos in her body was unbelievable. Her head pulsated along with the beat of her heart that she could conveniently hear in her ears as she laid on her stomach, perched up on her elbows.

Somehow, the commotion within her led to anger as she waited for her phone to show Sam's message; all the while, hearing it beep four more times.

It was over eleven for crying out loud!

[Sweet Talker]: I'm sorry I worried you

I should have told you earlier

I work after school and when I got home, I was so tired, I fell asleep

I would never avoid you

Honestly, I thought it wouldn't matter to you...

[Me]: Of course, it matters to me!

Haley slammed her thumbs against the screen, violently jabbing it to write her response. She needed her answers from the enigma that had been developed while in the school cafeteria. But while she sent her second text, she had realized that she was becoming the person she was avoiding to be.

Sam didn't have any responsibilities to her and yet she received an explanation - a very valid one that more than sufficed.

But her emotions were at an all-time high and was admittedly all over the place. Her conversation with Jane stirred her mind, her frustrations over Sam’s decision to remain anonymous, Francis taking Megan away from them, Megan not knowing what she lost and Sam seemingly ignoring her after that guessing game.

She needed to know if that was Sam. It was an integral piece of the puzzle she was frantically constructing.

[Me]: Sorry. That sounded too aggressive

And I sounded desperate with my messages

But was it you?

[Sweet Talker]: Yeah...

You didn't sound desperate

You were just being a cat

Get it?

Haley laughed at that very simple, observant joke. It was as if Sam knew that she desperately needed to breathe. When she was about to fall, Sam was there, pushing her higher - higher than Megan could because Sam was willing to do things Megan wouldn’t.

[Me]: Yeah, I get it, dork

I will sound sooo shallow but damn…

How could you ever think I would reject you or something?

Come on, Sam. Mind and body like that

I would totally date you just because you're you and not just because of your body or face

Not that I don't find you extremely attractive

Haley was aware she was rambling and may have bared part of her soul but she was only following Sam's lead.

What did she have to lose?

Oh, right, Sam.

And yet, when stakes were high, Sweet Talker had answers that soothed her already frantic thoughts but she hated that she elevated her with her own insecurities. Haley still desperately wished she could wipe them away like spilled coffee on the table. But it seemed more like a coffee stain on a white shirt.

[Sweet Talker]: Thank you but I could never compare to you

You're shaped like a goddess

[Me]: Hiding compliments in messages like that?

Not too stealthy, Sam

But thank you

[Sweet Talker]: Okay, I'll rephrase that

Haley, you're a goddess

Okay, that may be a little too much that if Sam were to say anything more, Haley might just start spitting butterfly carcasses out.

Haley needed a diversion.

[Me]: What are you doing?

[Sweet Talker]: Now you're avoiding

But okay I'll play along

I'm eating. I'm starving

You?

[Me]: Thank you! Haley sighed in relief, laying comfortably on her back.

I finished my homework and did a little reading

[Sweet Talker]: That sucks. I do have homework, too but it can wait

[Me]: Wait! You work?

Haley would have continued on with their conversation but she felt as though she needed to know that part about Sam, too. Given that she had never had a job her entire life, Haley was curious - apart from being dead set on getting to know everything about Sam.

[Sweet Talker]: Yeah, from 4 to 8

[Me]: What do you do?

[Sweet Talker]: I work at a deli shop

[Me:] You're not going to tell me where, aren't you?

[Sweet Talker]: There's only three of them around here. We live in a small city, Haley

That was right, only three. That narrowed her search down and now, she was faced with a dilemma of whether it was wise to track Sam down or not. If she did, she'd break her promise. That seemed worse.

[Me]: Why can't you just tell me?

Don't answer that

[Sweet Talker]: Okay I won't :P

I do have a question though

[Me]: Yeah? Go ahead

[Sweet Talker]: V-Day is coming up

Plans?

[Me]:I got a couple of invites here and there and I turned them all down because you know, Meg

Like you, I couldn't go on a date and lie to myself, you know?

And I don't really regret turning them down

Unless you were one of them

That was as honest as Haley could go. She hoped that Sam's random question would lead into progress with whatever friendship they shared. And at that point, she wasn't sure if friendship was that appealing.

[Me]: And I'm not just saying it to make you feel better

Frankly, I'd feel like a complete asshole if you ever came up to me before and I turned you down

[Sweet Talker]: Good to know

But no one could blame you if you actually wanted to have fun and forget about her, you know

[Me]: I know

But have you approached me?

[Sweet Talker]: No

Debilitating shyness

I could only watch you from afar

In a completely non stalker way

[Me]: In a completely non stalker way

lol I know

[Sweet Talker]: So, no dates?

[Me]: None

Unless...

[Sweet Talker]: Unless what?

[Me]: Unless you wanted to ask me

[Sweet Talker]: Tempting

But I can't

My guitar will be jealous

I’m secretly screaming cause that was an insinuation wasn’t it?!

[Me]: Yup!

Well, I'm jealous of everyone who knows you

Haley was disappointed. She hoped that Sam would be the fish, this time, taking the generous bait she had set out. A part of her wanted to give up but another one had been telling her to simply enjoy what they had because Sam seemed to. And more importantly, Sam needed time and maybe courage, too, and Haley needed to respect that.

Hell, she had years to tell Megan about her feelings but she never even hinted at it.

[Sweet Talker]: They're jealous of you actually

[Me]: Why?

[Sweet Talker]: You've had all my free time since Sunday night

They don't know it's you though

They just know I talk to someone. That's all

They would go crazy if they found out

[Me]: Hey, Sam?

Why haven't you really approached me before?

I mean, after yesterday

We’ve been talking a lot

More than I talk to anyone in like a day

[Sweet Talker]: At first I was just really shy I couldn’t just introduce myself

And then you were always with someone

Meg or Jane or the Whittaker almost twins

But then it just became about being me, how there might be things you won’t like about me

And after today, I'm scared that I'm not the person you expect me to be