The Words That I Cannot Speak

1 - Unexpected Surprises, Unexpected People

It was a breathtaking sight.

A grainy vision of a girl beneath the streetlight, dotted by delicate snowflakes and outlined by the night. Her silhouette slowly faded with each step until she was engulfed by the darkness, disappearing from Haley’s life.

It was definitely a breathtaking sight and each inhale hurt more than appeased, and it didn’t have anything to do with the chill.

It barely snows in their little town in Northeast Texas and it had to show up on the day Megan left for Tennessee.

Goodbyes weren’t meant to be that beautiful, but it was a goodbye Haley had been bracing for. But knowing the inevitable didn’t spare anyone from the pain.

A concoction of emotions ravaged her body, making her physically ill. It made her chest clench, her lungs gasping for breath that air itself was too selfish to give, her stomach a torturous knot while the rest of her body tried but failed to appease itself.

If only unsaid things could leave with her.

If only regret could vanish with her.

If only…

It had been three hours since then but Haley hadn’t moved from her bed, head dangling off the edge, the tips of her dark maple tresses brushing against the much lighter carpet. It felt like she was drowning with the blood rushing to her head, but that dull discomfort was a welcomed distraction. She didn’t bother to turn the lights on, fearing what she’d find in the mirror even if tears were long gone.

Her green eyes could tell stories far more eloquent than her mouth could utter, and in its depth lay a secret she’d been hiding from her best friend.

She should have told her but Haley was intent on keeping the truth from her.

Rejection is a bitter pill to swallow, but regret is poison that stems from within.

Either way, she’d lost her.

Her idle phone beeped, signaling a new text message. It wasn’t the tone she assigned the only person she’d been waiting to hear from and her friends were a little preoccupied, having the time of their lives at a party.

She reached for the device and prepared herself for the bright screen that would come into view as she pressed the home button. Truthfully, she was expecting a drunk text from one of her friends, most likely Dawn, telling her how she was missing out. She was not expecting to find an unknown number, whose owner seemed to know her.

[Unknown Number]: Hi! Is this Haley?

[Me]: Yeah...who is this?

Haley's brows clashed in the middle, reading the message again as if that would solve the riddle. Despite her skepticism, she was intrigued enough that she pushed herself up to a seating position, hunched over the phone she cradled between her hands. It was rare that an unknown number popped up in her phone and she figured she'd give it a little try.

After all, she had nothing better to do.

Crying had lost its appeal when her head began to throb and she struggled to see through the narrow slits of her sore eyes.

But as Haley received the next string of messages long moments later, the gorges of her forehead deepened while her thick brows seemed to have permanently glued themselves together.

[Unknown Number]: Not important but I can't believe you replied!

But, yeah...it's just that someone told me that I should say things while I have the chance to and I'm honestly shaking while I'm writing this.

I don't know if I'm more excited or more nervous about this. I've had your number for months, actually almost a year and I have been thinking about texting you or not, and maybe I've been trying to get the courage to but I'm apparently running out of time and I realized that there's not much to lose. Actually, I have nothing to lose. We're not friends and we don't really talk. And I’m not expecting you to fall in love with me. So, you replying was definitely something I'd call a gain.

It's been years and I just wanted to tell you that you're the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, and I could only hope you're smiling right now because if it were up to me, you’d never frown ever again. It might not matter to you that I like you and that's okay. I'm not expecting anything at all. I just wanted to tell you you're beautiful and I just realized I said that again.

Sorry.

Okay...that’s it...

Good night, Haley and I hope you have the sweetest dreams tonight.

She huffed a surprised breath, completely unaware of the smile that curved her lips as she read on, the cold crevice of her chest slowly thawing because of a stranger whose only intent was to admit an enduring crush. She could easily pick out the nerves embedded in those clumsy words.

Clumsy but honest.

Haley could just imagine how much it took to too come forward with her feelings albeit anonymously. But she would never know its full extent or its devastating aftermath because while they both stood at the edge afflicted with the same dilemma, the stranger jumped into the unknown while she stayed there, rooted with fear.

But Haley was grateful for the stranger and immediately, her brain was suffering through a deluge of thoughts but curiosity was the obvious victor.

Who was this person?

Have they spoken before?

Do they go to the same school?

And of all the things she could say, her thumbs raced to type three words that could begin to quell her inquisitive mind.

[Me]: What's your name?

[Unknown Number]: Why? I'm sorry. I'm like bouncing in my seat right now from how nervous I am. But I'm happy, too. I mean, you know, you replied and I'm trying to make you think I'm too cool to be fidgety with my texts but I think my words are failing me. Sorry. Thank you, by the way! You made my night!

Sorry.

Haley released an unbridled laugh, one that tore through the restrains that kept her from breathing. Her parents would have thought she was going a little crazy if they had known she locked herself in her room to cry, to grieve lost chances and chances she would have never taken.

If the stranger was a boy, Haley already felt bad for thinking about turning the poor boy down. She’d long accepted that she was gay. Staring at girls far too long, far too intently that calling it simple appreciation was a lie, when visions of a future shared with a woman was at the forefront of her mind.

Besides, the prickly surface above the upper lip where mustaches grow like grass always made her feel uncomfortable, like her own lips were being scrubbed.

[Me]: I just wanted to thank you and say good night properly you made me smile after I had been crying my eyes out for hours.

[Unknown Number]: Why? What's wrong? :(

Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?

I would ask you not to cry but that's worse than crying. I'd hate to see you cry though.

The replies came in quick succession, their sincerity shining with every new message. Haley felt some strange sense of comfort, and a part of her felt comfortable enough to confess the reason behind it all.

Dawn had certainly heard enough and was bordering hostility in the advice she was giving. She couldn’t blame her, though. After she shared the same troubles and ignored all the advice she received, it was a miracle Dawn hadn’t smacked some sense into her.

Haley hesitated, thumbs hovering over the screen. It felt a little cruel knowing that the person holding the other cellphone had feelings for her. It was an unwarranted punishment and Haley knew that well. She didn't have a reason to lie, though and it wasn't like she will ever pursue anything with a straight girl, who happened to be her best friend.

[Me]: I don't think you'd want to know. It's stupid.

[Unknown Number]: Try me.

[Me]: I think I'm in love with my best friend but she went away today and I wanted to go to a party and have fun to forget but my parents didn’t let me.

[Unknown Number]: Oh, Megan? I don't blame you. She's really nice and she's pretty, too. You could still tell her, though. Call her?

[Me]: I don't think I can and it doesn't matter. She’s in love enough to leave her family behind

And she’s straight

Honestly, telling her wouldn’t really do much. It will just be out there and I won’t be burdened by the secret anymore but it could ruin our friendship so there’s that

Haley forgot the stranger actually knew her. It was unnerving to admit something she thought that she and Dawn would take to the grave but she was surprised at how easy it was to say it - well, type it. It helped that there were no eyes that could stare at her own, and see the words she never spoke. Whoever they were, they were making it effortless to feel, to fear, and she was more stubborn than the self-deprecation rising in Haley.

[Unknown Number]: Of course it matters. It matters to the people who care about you and even if you think nobody cares, you do, so it matters regardless

You don’t want to tell her? At least, let her know so you can also feel less…sorry for word, burdened by your feelings for her

[Me]: No. Not really. I didn't want to lose her

Wow...Not even five minutes of talking and I'm just spilling everything to you. For all I know you could be that girl who hates me and I just willingly gave you dirt

[Unknown Number]: Your secret's safe with me. And who would ever hate you?

[Me]: I don't know. Someone I could have unknowingly offended or anyone who hated the way I talk, the way I look. You know, the usual

Being outspoken doesn’t really give you much friends

[Unknown Number]: But I think you're perfect

Okay!! That's enough talking for me. Good night before I embarrass myself more

But before I go, about your last message, having a few good friends is always better than a bunch of fake ones. You’re antagonized for saying things some could only think about. That’s not something I wouldn’t worry about

That’s it! Good night again!

Haley was stilled at the barrage of messages she received, in awe of the depth of the stranger’s wisdom. They were sweet and Haley was certain that the sweet-talking stranger actually cared about her and her feelings. It still baffled her how they could maintain grace when she was sure that her pain would have been bleeding in her words if it was the other way around.

She imagined how those messages would sound spoken from the stranger’s mouth. She didn't know what she expected, she just wished the person she was talking to was a girl.

And then it got her thinking, what if her feelings weren't for Meg? Would falling in love still hurt?

[Me]: You're really sweet and I wish we were friends because I would have loved to talk to you for hours on end. I'm so sorry if I didn't seem to have taken the time to get to know you if we met once. For all we know, my feelings could have been misplaced and I wasn't supposed to like Meg

[Unknown Number]: It's okay. There's like a million students at school. That was one of the reasons why I thought this plan would work. Text you and you'll never know who I am

I realize I said I’ll sleep but I just replied…

I’m a mess!

[Me]: You’re not! I’m glad you’re still there

Do we at least have a class together?

[Unknown Number]: Not more than two in the last three years but we don't have anything together this year

[Me]: That sucks

Haley sighed heavily, disappointed by the news. Surely, she'd have a better chance at knowing the person she was talking to if they had frequent encounters. It would be challenging to hide cellphones in class, she would always see them behind books, beneath tables or tucked within a jacket.

It was frustrating and for a moment, she put her phone down and massaged her tender head. All that crying was a terrible idea. It was even worse to have followed that activity with her curiosity and her wandering mind. But she just couldn't help herself.

[Me:] Hey! I still don't know your name! I feel like you were just distracting me

[Unknown Number]: Lol maybe I was. Who knows? I don't really think you have to know my name…

It ruins the whole anonymous admirer thing

[Me]: I sighed. I thought you said you wanted me happy and smiling?

[Unknown Number]: Okay...Are you sad right now?

[Me]: Not as sad as I was. If you asked me if I feel better, I'd say I do. Thanks to you

[Unknown Number]: Are you smiling?

[Me]: Yes...

[Unknown Number]: I rest my case

Haley chuckled. She'd make a terrible lawyer just by the little part of their conversation that she started. That stranger was smart and Haley would think of other ways to maneuver the conversation and trick them into spilling their name if she wasn’t exhausted. For a moment, she began to ponder on prodding further but she thought it was a lost cause.

And so, she settled for a nickname.

[Me]: Fine. I just failed at defending my argument, didn't I?

I'm going to start calling you Sweet Talker and that will be your name on my phone

Why aren't you at the party tonight?

[Sweet Talker]: YOU’RE SAVING MY NUMBER?!?!??

Sorry I panicked

Ignore that

And yes, whatever you want and I didn't feel like it

You have a code name on my phone, too. So, that's fine

[Me:] Lol are you kidding? Of course, I am

So, who am I in your phone then?

[Sweet Talker]: David Archuleta.

An unrestrained laugh ripped through Haley’s throat. Her lungs were beginning to burn from her laughter and she was struggling to breathe but her heart was full, so that was okay. Her cheeks were sore and as much as she wanted to keep a neutral face, she couldn't and she wouldn't betray her new friend by pretending they didn’t make her laugh - her Sweet Talker.

[Me:] Please tell me you have a very good reason

[Sweet Talker]: I only have one and it's because I have a crush on you

[Me:] And he has a song called Crush. Creative

[Sweet Talker]: It's a little dorky and you might have been sarcastic but in case you weren’t, thanks

[Me:] It's adorable

Haley waited and waited for a reply and the longer she had to wait, her smile faded. She figured they may be asleep or was busy doing something else. But she wanted to keep talking. She was enjoying herself too much that she wanted to indulge.

[Me]: You don't like parties?

[Sweet Talker]: It's okay

[Me]: So, you don't like parties?

[Sweet Talker]: It's okay? What are you getting at?

[Me]: That you don't like parties

[Sweet Talker]: I'm eh about it. I'll go if I feel like it and tonight, I was too busy trying to be all tough and crap just to talk to you. I hopped around my room to see if I could still my heart but it made it worse

But really, Haley, thanks for replying and still talking to me. It really means a lot. I might have been sad right now if you didn't reply. Crying is too dramatic but you have to know I would have been frowning so hard right now and I would be hurt

[Me]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Stop thanking me! I like talking to you and I'm glad neither of us is frowning so hard right now

[Sweet Talker]: You're mocking me but I'm happy you're laughing. You're really beautiful as it is and when you smile...god! But I'd say you frowning is poetry in itself. Not that I like seeing you sad. It's just, when it's you, it looks like art. Just the way your lips would curve down and your eyes, it’s like reading a tragic novel. I don't know. I'm rambling and embarrassing

This is why I should have slept when I said I would

She did not just read that right. That person could very well be lethal and their words would be their only weapon. She wondered how it would feel like to have reciprocated her Sweet Talker's feelings and just how beautiful she would feel just by the way they stared at her.

What color were their eyes? Haley was curious.

[Me]: I'm starting to think I really don’t like Meg because I have never described her the way you described me. And no one's ever said that to me. Thank you

Your girlfriend/boyfriend is very lucky. It's be hard to fathom that you're not with anyone

[Sweet Talker]: I'll be sure to tell my guitar that. My one and only lover lol

Seriously though I'm not dating anyone. If I was and I was talking to you like this, that'd be cheating. And I'm severely loyal, just so you know. I was going to ask someone out but I couldn't really shake the thought of another someone away. It wouldn't be fair

Besides, you’re making me feel like I won the lottery because you replied

This is worth all the hopping I did

Haley assumed it was her. It was most likely her. She wasn't trying to be arrogant but it just seemed to be implied. And she was beginning to imagine what high school would have been like if the stranger just talked to her.

They could have been dating by now.

If the stranger was a girl, of course.

The thought alone sent a shiver to ravage Haley's spine and god, was she excited and yet, she was sad at the same time. ‘Could’ was a terrible word and somehow, she yearned to know how it felt to be dating someone like the Sweet Talker. At least, someone who cared the way like she did.

[Me]: I'm just me. You can't say that

[Sweet Talker]: If only you could feel my frantic heart right now. And how my lungs are betraying me. They won't let me breathe and this is so gross but I'm sweating. I'm sweating bullets. I might have to shower again

Haley was about to reply - she was about to type, even if it was a single word to let the stranger know that she was still there, admiring her honesty and laughing at how hilarious they were. There were definitely words that weren't better left unsaid and she was going to unleash them but the Sweet Talker had beaten her by a couple of seconds.

[Sweet Talker]: I don't really want to end tonight but I feel like it'd be rude to just randomly fall asleep while we were talking and I feel like someone's literally yanking my eyelids close

So, thank you again for replying. And I hope you're okay now

I'll be here if you're ever bored. Good night! Sleep well. I'll see you tomorrow

Haley was disappointed. She wanted to talk more. She was awake and happy, and very curious that she was going to quench her thirsty mind if only the stranger participated. But as she checked the time, she found that it was already past midnight.

Haley tried to imagine having the entire conversation with Meg but she and Sweet Talker were vastly different. Meg was always sure of herself, headstrong and never nervous. She’d gushed about her boyfriend but her composure was never shattered. Their divide was too obvious to overlook.

But Haley was giddy, thinking about the possibilities with her Sweet Talker and was looking forward to another spontaneous conversation that she was hoping would come in the morning.

[Me]: It's not fair that you know me and I don't know you. But okay. Good night! Thank you for talking to me. I'm going to sleep with a smile on my face tonight.

[Sweet Talker]: My pleasure

Haley decided she would look for her and the adrenaline that spiked in her body as she laid in bed, staring at the ceiling was inebriating her. It was almost powerful enough to shoo away the darkness of her new reality without seeing Megan everyday and pull the sun out from hiding.

After the menagerie of feelings that invaded her, she was set on finding little Sweet Talker and began to evaluate the clues that were in between the lines. Kind was the first on the list and for a stranger whom she probably hadn't spoken more than a sentence to, her stranger cared enough for her and put her feelings first. Haley knew that person was eloquent and could play with words as easily as they could play with hearts, and that made her nervous. And then there’s the part where they play guitar and had a crush on her.

There were not enough clues but Haley was determined.

She was just about to sleep, pulling the duvet up over her chest when her phone chimed again. She almost felt embarrassed at how fast she lunged at it, hurriedly opening the messaging app to reveal Sweet Talker’s final message of the night.

[Sweet Talker]: Meg would be stupid not to love you back