Living in the Shadows

The Secret Life

I don’t want to act like a needy wife, but ever since Art started doing movies, endorsements, and talk shows, he has less time for us. He would not come home for a day or two, then it turned into weeks, into almost a month.

“Babe, will you be home tonight?” I asked Art on the phone.

“I am sorry, I can’t make it. We are still filming and might take longer as we have some scenes that we need to re-take. Just rest, I’ll try to be home early.” He replied catching his breath and then hang up.

“It’s our 4th anniversary. How come he forgot about it.” I murmured as I pick up the plates and dispose the steak I prepared. I exerted effort on cooking the steak and getting the finest wine available in the nearest grocery store.

Art loves wine, I may not drink it as I am pregnant, but I know he would love the wine I picked. But he is not here, so maybe next time. I am just too sad to think clearly. My head is full of what-ifs. It is driving me nuts.

I just can’t stop thinking of what could be happening behind my back. I am dealing with a toddler, a new career, and a baby on the way – all alone. I get tired easily, I am so stressed that I decided to put on hold on my career and focus on being a mother. I guess having my mum as my boss is also an advantage. I promised her that I would be back after I gave birth. I filed an indefinite leave so I can rest and spend more time with Syd at home.

“Hello, Galileo, where are you?” I sobbed as I called the only friend I could run to.

“Is there something wrong?” Gali answered the phone. I could not talk. All he could hear is my breath, and sobs. “I’ll be there. Just stay there, I’ll be on my way.”

Nowadays, we would be lucky if Arthur would come home once a month. There were rumors about women being linked to him, but I trust him. I trust whatever he would tell me.

“It is better off if we would keep our relationship, our family as a secret. Set all social media accounts to private. If possible, delete all social media accounts you have. You know how hard I tried just to get into this industry. This has been my dream. I hope you understand that Macky.” Art explained.

“If you can go off the grid, please do so. Do it for me, if you love me.” He added.

I am a bit sociable, especially online, and my friends know me as someone who likes to blog a lot. This would be difficult for me, but for my husband, I will do it.

“Hey Macky, what happened to your Multiply and Friendster Accounts?” Gali texted me.

“Art wants me to go off grid, I had to delete my online accounts.” I texted back.

“What the heck? I’ll talk to him.” Gali replied.

“No. No need Gali. I want to do this for him. As his wife, I want to help him, if this is the way I could help him with his career, I’ll do it.” I sighed and put down my phone. I can’t stress out, this is not good for my baby.

Syd and I, plus the new baby on the way should stay in the shadows as his career in the show business is just starting.

I just agreed, even though it means living in a secret world for us, I love him that much.

It hurts, as he had to deny everything about us. He had to deny our love. He had to deny his son and even the one who hasn’t seen the world yet.

Every interview, every article in newspapers or magazines, he would reiterate that he is not married, and he doesn’t have his own family yet.

I am not sure if any woman could picture the pain a wife would have to endure in this kind of marriage. All for my husband’s sake. For his career. For his happiness.

What about my happiness?

Is this love? Is this how to love someone? Is it natural to get this much pain in my heart? thoughts in my head, daily.

As I watch my son sleep. As I watch him on TV screens. As I see him on the big screen. I guess this is how it should be, I love him. I’d do anything for him.

(True Colors by Cyndi Lauper playing in the background)

“Babe, I’ve been calling you. I think my water just broke. Can you come home now? Mum can’t be here to accompany me to the hospital.” I called Art, panicking as I am about to give birth.

We had an agreement that all our kids would be born in Australia so Dad can see his grandkids. But this time, due to Art’s busy schedule we cannot leave the country. I had to give birth to my second child in the Philippines.

“What? Can you ask our helper to accompany you? I’ll meet you at the hospital.  I’ll be on my way. Do you have your baby bag ready? Just don’t panic, ok. I will be on my way.” Art answered, he sounded worried. Silver lining in this darkness I am into, he sounded like he is still concerned. Like he still cares.

We arrived at the hospital with no sight of Arthur yet.

I am a bit surprised to see my friend, Gali, waiting. But I am relieved at the same time as someone’s there to give me some moral support in this scary time of my life.

“How did he know?” in my head I am a bit puzzled, but this is not the right time to ask questions as I am in pain.

“You will be fine Macky.” Gali held my hand as I have frequent contractions, I am in so much pain.

“Where’s Art?” I asked as I grimace in pain.

“He called, and told me to be here, he must be on his way.” He responded, he held my hand and patted the back of it giving me assurance that I have nothing to worry about.

I just started crying. Yes, because of the contractions, and I am already in active labor. But also because of the pain I am feeling inside my heart. It feels like dagger stabbing me directly to my heart, he abandoned me at the time I needed him most.

“Code O76, we might need to do an ECS ma’am, is your husband here to sign the waiver?” asked the ER doctor.

“What is happening? Is my baby ok?” I started to panic.

“BP is elevating, just calm down ma’am, you will be fine, we just need to perform an ECS so the baby would be delivered safely. Is he your husband?” the nurse asked and looked at Gali, who is holding my hand.

“I am here!” Art shouted as he rushed beside me.

“Thank God you’re here bro!” Gali let go of my hand instantly and patted Art’s back.

“I’ll sign the waiver and needed documents, just do what is necessary to ensure my wife and child’s safety.” Art uttered in a cold tone.

Around nighttime, I finally delivered our second child, another baby boy. We named him Derek Austin. 

In the recovery room, I saw Gali sleeping on the couch.

“Gali, where is Art?” I tried waking him up, but I could not speak up as the stitches still hurt and any movement I make, makes me feel worse.

He woke up hearing me cry in pain.

“Don’t move, just relax. The doctor said you can’t talk yet. Just try to sleep, do you need pain killers? I can call the nurse.” Gali said in one breath. He is so worried.

“Art. Where is he?” I asked softly, trying to move a little finding my sweet spot to be comfortable in the hospital bed.

“He had to leave as he had to finish shooting some scenes, but he will be back tomorrow.” Gali replied, trying to avoid eye contact with me.

I moved little by little trying to lay sideways, facing the wall so he won’t see me cry. I am in pain. So much pain.

Art was there when I got discharged of the hospital, but he is just cold. He did not even care if I am still in pain. I just don’t understand. Hormones shooting up plus the stress he is giving me by being unconcerned, indifferent. I am trying to understand what have I done. I am trying to understand, as this just happened. I thought we were happy. I thought we have a perfect life. A happy marriage, a happy family. What happened? I just want to ask him a lot of questions. But it feels like there is an imaginary wall between us.

Life this time is totally different. I think I started having post-partum blues but just denied it and tried to brush it off. But I did not expect the worse to come.

For months, he would not come home. He would just call occasionally. If he would be home either he is drunk, or too tired to talk to me.

Nights have been cold. I would often cry myself to sleep, but I must hide it from everyone.

I am hurt.

Badly hurt.

My heart is breaking.

He is not the person I married 4 years ago.

It is as if I am living with another person, or should I still call it living with this person if he is rarely home with us. The longest time he won’t be home would be for 3 months. He would just call us, send us some videos, and would just send text messages every now and then.

 We are just in one country, but he makes me feel like we are a thousand miles apart. He wasn’t there to see Syd’s first day at school. He wasn’t there to see Austin’s milestones.

 It feels like we were on our own. This has been our setup for another couple of years, the kids are growing up so fast.

There would be times that I would see him on the balcony, talking to someone. What is he hiding, why would you have to go away where no one can hear you talk? Is it work related or is it something else?

He is behaving atrociously! Is he even aware of how he is behaving recently? The audacity to be so rude, knowing I just gave birth. This is the most difficult stage, I need his care, I need his attention, I need him by my side. But he is just too cold, too arrogant to even care if I am hurting.

How long can you hold on Macky? I asked myself, as I start my pity party.

Is this how things would end? Is this how our marriage would end up?  tears started falling from my eyes.

Am I not enough? Am I ugly? Am I no longer attractive to my husband? I drown myself in tears and started questioning myself more.

Time flies, and he did not even notice how we’ve grown apart. Every time he would come home, I would not nag, nor ask questions.

I would still sleep with him, would make love to him. I would make him feel that he is home. That I am still his wife, and we are his family.

When he comes home, all my worries, all my fears would wash away. It is like freezing the time and fooling myself that everything is still normal, and everything will go back to how we used to be. I am fooling myself over and over.

Is this love? Is this how you love someone? Even though it is hurting, you still choose to love him. Is this how a wife should be? Is this what marriage looks like? I would ask myself, as I watch him sleep beside me. As I caress his face and try to reminisce the days, we used to be together every single day, those days when we used to do almost everything and anything together.

He woke up and looked at me as I touch his face and gave him a light kiss. “I love you,” I said. Art just smiled and closed his eyes.

He said nothing, but it was the most painful, heartbreaking response. I know, that deep inside his heart. There might be nothing left for me. I got up and went out to get some air. I can’t help but cry my heart out.

Is this still love? Is this how it’s supposed to feel? I feel so much pain. I can’t help my tears from falling, as these thoughts run through my head.

(Foolish by Ashanti playing)

Every interview, every TV appearance, I would watch him. I would listen to his answers. I would look at his face and look at how he reacts.

“How would you describe your relationship with Angel, would you say that she is the one?” asked the talk show host where Art is the celebrity guest. He was there to promote his new movie.

“Yes, I know that she is the one. And I see myself marrying her.” He answered with conviction.

I know what his smile looks like, I know it wasn’t just some promotional gimmick for the new movie. I can see it in his eyes. I can see he was telling the truth.

(Big Girls Don’t Cry by Fergie playing)