Living in the Shadows

Flashback

“Tell him it’s Angel….” I dropped my phone as I heard the woman over the phone utter her name.

I just went outside and ran away. I ran as far as I can. I ran into the woods, I ran barefooted. I did not look back and did not think of anything but to go far from Art. Far from him. I cannot take this pain inside my chest. It is like something inside me is about to explode.

Why would she call?

What does she need?

Why is she looking for my husband?

And why I am feeling so uneasy just hearing her voice and her name?

What if it isn’t the person I am thinking of?

I ran as far as I could, unconsciously tears fall from my eyes. My head is just going blank, I closed my eyes while still running... until I fell! I reached a cliff and fell!

“Macky. Wake up! Babe, are you okay? Wake up! You’re having a bad dream!” I opened my eyes, with large beads of sweat on my forehead, I saw Art in front of me. He looks worried. I just broke into tears and hugged him.

“Who called? Why did she call?” I tried talking while crying.

“Who? Angel? The new talent manager?” Art asked, he scooped my face with his big hands and wiped my tears. “Is that why you’re upset and you’re having bad dreams?” he looked straight into my eyes.

I tried to look away, but he held my chin so our eyes would meet.

“Is that true?” I sobbed.

“Why are you worried? And I am not aware that you’re jealous of Angel, the actress.” Art uttered as he tries to comfort me.

I looked away and tried to get up so I can take a shower, but Art grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to him.

Our face our just inches away, I just froze there. I could hear my heart beat so fast, I could hear the ticking of the clock, it is like everything around us went silent.

“I love you Macky, you are my wife. Believe me, you are the only woman I would love and the only woman I would grow old with. I left the Philippines when I heard about what happened to your father and did not think about my job, my career, as I know you need me.” Art uttered and kissed me on my lips.

“My talent manager called, she told me that the management is asking me to fly back to Manila because of contracts I need to sign. They would also need me to shoot some scenes. But I told her how important that we stay here, and I am needed here by my family. Luckily, they would adjust and would be here in a day or two, to meet me so I can sign the contract, and for me to shoot some scenes, they would adjust the production, just so I can still do my job.” He explained further.

I almost bought his explanation.

I just can’t believe him this instant.

I just can’t stop thinking of the what-ifs.

“Ok. If you say so.” I let out a loud sigh and looked away. I moved away from him, trying to distance myself from him. I just can’t shrug it off that instant.

“I’ll get you a cup of tea, just stay here.” Art stood up, kissed my forehead, and headed to the door.

There is this ill feeling inside me lingering. I know something is wrong, and I will find out what it is.

We’ve been having a good time here in Australia, and this dark side of our lives just keeps on following us. My children and I are living in the shadows of my husband’s world. We’re hiding, we need to be away from people’s eyes. We cannot be seen. We cannot be known. That alone is already painful for me, what more if there is another woman involved?

(Broken Glass by Kygo, Kim Petras playing)

I sat on the edge of the bed as I stare at the blank wall, I noticed the CD rack. I just realized that Dad eventually kept my son’s VCDs in this bedroom, in this guest room. I guess he is that too proud that his grandkids are like the stars in his life, who are being featured to the guests whenever they would visit his home.

His visitors are usually my uncles or my cousins and they would stay in this room.

I want to forget the sorrow I am feeling. I need a diversion, I want to feel good, so I browsed through the CD rack near the TV inside our room. Dad kept all my sons’ videos I sent him annually. It is organized, very nitty-gritty. If you would look at it from afar, it is like a library of movies, but those are my children’s recorded milestones.

This bedroom has 2 CD racks, one on the left of the telly and the other one on the right. One is for Austin, and the other one is for my firstborn, Sydney. The CDs are organized per year and month with my handwritten label on each of it. All of these, I recorded and every end of the year I would send all of them to Dad as a Christmas gift.

I chucked on the telly and pulled out the VCD with the label “Austin’s first walk.”

*turned on the television and VCD player, the video started playing*

“Austin! Come to Mommy! Come here baby, you can do it. Try one more time. We’re trying to capture it on cam, so grandpop can see it! Come here, baby. You can do it.” I giggled as I call my little boy Austin to walk towards me.

“Good job buddy!” Gali cheered to Austin, he was behind the camera, he was filming us.

“Aww, Gali!” I unconsciously blurted out as I watch the video, I teared up a little thinking of my best friend.

*next clip*

“Happy 1st birthday Austin!” the crowd cheered – little kids, adults. Almost everyone from Art’s family was in the video…except him.

“I love you, baby! I love both of you Sydney and Austin! Look at Uncle Gali, look at the camera, blow kisses to grandpop.” The video focused on me and my little boys Sydney and Austin. You would just see the three of us in the frame.

Art walked into the room he placed the cup of tea on the bedside table and sat down beside me to watch the clips.

“Look at Austin, he is so tiny! And our big baby Sydney, look, his face is so squishy. Look at those chubby cheeks.” Art commented as he watches the video.

I watched him as he enjoys watching the video clip.

“Where was I? Why am I not in the video?” He asked, he looked at me puzzled.

“You were filming a movie.” I answered softly trying to hold back my tears staring at the television.

I watched these videos so I can feel good, but why am I feeling gloomier as I watch the clips?

For years, he wasn’t there for us. These videos reminded me of those times.

I stood up to go downstairs. I need to catch some fresh air. The room is just suffocating me, a space with him is just too small for me. I just can’t breathe.

I went to the porch, sat down at my favorite corner seat where I usually have my coffee. I could not hold my tears anymore. I cried my heart out.

Those videos reminded me of how he abandoned us and how I had to endure those times.

All of a sudden, I had a flashback of the times I cried alone in bed, thinking of what he could be doing, wondering if he ever misses his family. Thinking if he is even feeling bad for missing his sons’ milestones.

I did not hold back, I let myself drown in tears.

I just cried.

(For Now, by Kina Grannis playing)