Just Like Yesterday

GOING TO BE OKAY

CHAPTER THREE

DAVID’S POV

I stared at the ceiling while lying on my bed; it has been three hours but still, I can’t Eric said those things to me. He came all the way from college because my mum told him she was scared that I might die. I might have lashed out on him too harshly but still the way he worded his speech was a bit offensive. He made it seem as if I was a ticking time bomb that could go off at any minute and that made me angry.

I stood up from my bed, walked up to the books lying on my shelf and scanned for a book to read. I feel like over the course of these few days, I’ve read everything in this place but even at that My Volcano seems to be the one that I’ve read the most. There’s just something to it that always has me hooked even if I’ve read it a billion times.

I picked out A Spare Life then settled on my bed to begin reading when I heard soft knocks on the door. I wonder who it was even though I already knew who.

“Dave, are you there?” Eric said from outside of my room. I hesitated a bit because I don’t know if I was ready to talk to him yet even though it was been like three hours since the whole ticking time bomb speech. I was a bit offended and that means talking to him now would warrant another series of words thrown around but this time, it will be from me.

But still, looking at it from another perspective, Eric was my brother and we used to be quite close that was before this whole thing. I know that the things he said was just him trying to say he cares about me but still, he could have put it in a better way, not telling me like that. Like I wanted to die so bad. It wasn’t easy for me either. I was the one that lost someone very dear to me. I didn’t wish this upon myself and I hope they understand I’m trying my very best to be able to continue living the way I use to.

“Dave can I come in?” I was jolted out of my thoughts when I realized that Eric was still at the door. I took steady steps and unlocked the door for him. He entered while I followed him behind. We sat on the bed and it was quite awkward because neither of us wanted to speak up first but Eric being the bigger person as usual was the first to break the suffocating silence.

He cleared his throat before facing my direction, “Dave look, I’m sorry for saying those mean words and I wish I could turn back the hands of time and say it properly. It was very stupid of me to tell you something like that. It’s not your fault you are like this and I totally get it. I’m so sorry Dave”, he said to me while looking at me apologetically.

I looked at him, fidgeting with my hands before replying him, “It’s okay Eric. I knew you didn’t mean to say those words and you said it because you’re scared that you’re going to lose me. You said it out of fear and honestly if you were the one in my situation, I wouldn’t know what to do either. So, I totally get it Eric”, I said to him. He looked at me and smiled then mouthed a “Thank you”, to which I responded my nodding.

“About earlier Dave, I really wish you would consider going for therapy you know. I and mum might be here and no matter how close we are to you, we might not understand the emotions you’re feeling right now from the entire trauma. A professional would understand that quite well so Dave please consider it, for yourself and for all of us. I love you Dave and I want the best for you”, Eric said to me his voice shaking as he was speaking.

Growing up, everyone knew my elder brother was quite emotional more than anybody in our house and it was a trait that my dad was not quite okay with. My dad was someone that believe in the “Alpha Male” crap and I remember when I came out, he almost sent me packing but that was years ago. Now, he just ignores the whole thing or just drops an annoying comment every now and then even though I have tried to tell him several times that I was bisexual. To him, you can’t like two genders at the same time; you have to choose one (and that obviously being girls).

I looked at Eric, he was looking at me expectantly and honestly making a decision right now was not going to be good but if you’ve never tried something, you wouldn’t know how it feels, I’m I right? There was possibly no harm in trying but the idea of me sitting in a total stranger’s office and putting my business out for the whole word to hear (not really the whole word considering how it is just going to be me and my therapist but still you never know who they might tell next) is actually not a pleasant idea. But still I want to try, so I agreed to go to the therapist and Eric let my mum know about it and she suggested that I check out the place because according to her, her friend was the owner of the place so coming without booking an appointment was not a big deal.

*************PRESENT TIME********

The only thing I agreed to was checking out this place, the whole series of trusting and talking was not part of it so I had to let Miss Dina or Diana, I actually didn’t register her name in my head, that I’ll come back some other time (which I doubt) for my appointment.

“Umm….excuse me..ma’am, umm I do not…plan on starting my session today. I don’t know if my mother told you already but I just came to see this place”, I said to her, counting my words. Don’t talk to strangers too much; they’ll see it as an advantage to start asking you personal questions.

“Oh you’re Christy’s son. I forgot, she said something like this to me earlier this morning. Please pardon my short memory. Of course you can come whenever you’re ready, just tell your mother to give me a call so I can book your appointment”, she said to me smiling.

I stood up slowly from the couch, “So….ummm… I guess I’ll be on my way now. Have a nice day”. She nodded and responded “Say hello to your mother for me”. I nodded and with that I was out of her office.

I will need quite some time to be able to think this through before I can go for any therapist appointment. It was already suffocating enough on a day I didn’t even spend up to thirty minutes. The thought of having to spend a total of two hours having therapy sessions made me uneasy and I guess I could confirm that I wasn’t ready for therapy just yet and I hope my family understands.

When I got home, Eric was already in the living room watching some rom coms and laughing. When he noticed I was around, he smiled and gestured for me to sit beside him. I sat beside him, rested my head against the head on the couch before he started talking, “So how was it? Was she nice? Was the place okay? Are you going soon?” He looked so giddy asking these questions, I didn’t want to ruin the whole mood but this was my mental health and I have to decide for myself. I have a right to say when and when I am not ready to do something.

“Woah calm down Eric. One question at a time and to answer your numerous questions, 1. It was suffocating. 2. She was nice, yeah maybe it’s the fact that mum’s her friend but therapists are supposed to be nice right? 3. The place is normal, a typical therapist’s office. And for the last question, I haven’t decided yet Eric. I don’t know when I’ll be going for my sessions. I hope you understand”, I said to him.

He hummed in thought and smiled at me, “No Dave. I’m not forcing it on you. Dude, it’s your choice to make, you hear me. I want the best for you, but that doesn’t mean I’ll have to force you to do what you haven’t made up your mind to do. Just let me know when you want to go for the session, I can come with you if you want. Alright? And besides I lost my headphones while I was coming and it made me kind of sad. I wouldn’t lie I even cried a little, I might actually need therapy because I can’t seem to forget my dear Angerla”, he finished by fake crying.

I laughed at him, “Wait who is Angela”, I stopped mid laughing to ask him.

He looked at me seriously before replying, “My headphone, duuhh”, and this time, I really did laugh out really loud, “You named your headphone Angela?” I asked him still laughing, a tear rolling down my eyes. He tapped me on the shoulder, “Yes I did and it’s not Angela, Dave, its Angerla with an ‘R’ you understand?” he said this time, joining me in my fit of laughter.

After laughing our asses off, he asked if I wanted anything from Starbucks because I didn’t want to go out. I just told him to get me Arlo Energy Drink and a chicken burger. Mum was not around, I guess she won’t be coming home today or she might come later in the middle of the night that’s why we were eating out.

Eric left and I switched off the TV, made my way upstairs to my room before lying flatly on my face. I turned around, facing the ceiling. I was thankful that Eric was able to come even though I still don’t like his reason for coming but still, I know he genuinely misses home and I was really not the whole reason why he came back. I haven’t had a good laugh like this for so long and I wished things could stay like this forever. Me not feeling empty inside all the time, laughing and smiling all the time, living life to the fullest, being carefree.

My eyelids were getting heavy and before I knew it, I drifted off to sleep.

What is this place? Why is everywhere dark? I wandered around a place that looked like a tunnel. The only sound I could hear is water dropping down to the ground. I continued walking and before I knew it, a hand touched me on my shoulder. I turned around and saw my dear Thomas, his face stained with tears. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said to me “I’m sorry Dave”, and with that we were at that particular cliff again, me trying to tell him it’s not his fault and him telling me to let him go. Before I knew it, he pushed me away and jumped. I knelt on the ground and screamed my lungs out, shouting and crying. I looked to the ground and saw my dear Thomas, lying on the floor, blood gushing out of his head.

And just like that, I wasn’t able to do anything to save him again. Some things don’t ever change.

I was woken up by a panicked Eric, shaking me aggressively and calling my name. I finally opened my eyes and when Eric saw I was awake, he hugged me instantly, I found out I have been crying in my sleep because tears were rolling down my eyes. I held Eric and cried in his shoulder, he didn’t ask me what had happened, he just held me and let me cry.