MEN OF HONOR SERIES 1: SCARRED

Kabanata 17

Hindi na natahimik ang isip ko magmula pa noong Linggo na ibinigay sa akin ni Coal ang bulaklak kaya halos ilang araw ko na rin siyang iniiwasan. A part of me was hopeful, but the bigger piece of my heart was so terrified of what could happen in case we're really falling for each other.

Iniisip ko ang reputasyon niya bilang Dean at kilalang abogadong napakaraming naipanalong kaso. He's married to a successful dermatologist who owns one of the biggest derma clinics in the country. Habang ako, ano ba ako? Sino ako para ipalit kay Dra. Maggie Cojuanco?

I am just Stephanie Madrigal. Anak ng dalawang OFW. Hindi nakatapos ng kolehiyo sa tamang oras. Kumakayod mag-isa para matustusan ang pag-aaral ko. There is nothing special about me that I could brag. I am not a trophy girl nor someone with a big brain who can come up with treatments that make other people beautiful. Hindi ko rin kabisado lahat ng batas sa Pilipinas, at higit sa lahat, hindi ko man lang alam kung anong direksyon sa buhay ang gusto kong tahakin.

"Ayos ka lang?" tanong ng kasamahan ko sa project na si Mario.

Tumango ako at itiniklop na lang ang libro. Wala rin naman akong maintindihan dahil masyadong magulo ang isip ko.

"Anong oras na pala. Kailangan ko nang pumunta sa college of law para sa duty ko."

Ngumiti siya at tumango. Nang makaalis ako ng library, para naman akong zombie na naglakad patungo sa opisina ni Dean Chen. Paanong iwas na naman kaya ang gagawin ko? Should I tell him I want to sleep? Pinapayagan niya naman akong umidlip, 'di ba? Maybe if I will pretend that I am taking a nap, mabawasan ang interactions namin.

Pinakawalan ko ang hangin sa aking dibdib at tinitigan ang pangalan ni Dean Chen sa labas ng pinto ng kanyang opisina. I've been standing here for more than a minute, contemplating things and lowkey bullying myself inside my head.

Nang bumukas ang pinto at nakita ako ni Dean Chen na nakatayo lamang sa labas ng opisina niya ay bahagya pa siyang nagulat.

"Steph. Why aren't you coming in?" salubong ang mga kilay niyang tanong.

Umiwas ako ng tingin hindi dahil naiilang ako sa kanya. I was... too ashamed of myself for wanting him. For silently wanting to be someone whom he can brag about. Dahil sa kabila ng takot kong hindi ako sapat at masisira ko lamang ang pangalan niya, a part of me wants to be delusional and crave for his affection.

Hindi ko nagawang sumagot. Tila nakaramdam naman siya kaya humugot ng matalim na hininga at niyaya akong sumama sa kanya.

"We need to have a talk before this gets worse," malamig ang tinig at tila nasasaktan niyang sabi na nakapagpasikip nang husto sa aking dibdib.

Sumakay kami sa kanyang kotse at nagtungo sa mataas na bahagi ng Tagaytay kung saan niya ipinarada ang sasakyan. Maybe he wanted to talk about what happened last Sunday. Dahil na rin siguro sa pag-iwas ko nitong mga nakaraang araw.

I pursed my lips and kept my head low when he parked the car. Ramdam ko ang stress niya dahil sa malalim niyang pagbuntong hininga at pagsandal sa backrest ng kanyang upuan. Nagi-guilty tuloy ako dahil pakiramdam ko ay binibigyan ko siya lalo ng problema.

"I'm sorry if I had the audacity to give you those flowers. Dapat inisip ko na lang na totoo talaga ang sinabi ng ex mo noong nagkita kayo sa simbahan."

Napabaling ako sa kanya. "Huh?"

His adam's apple bobbed up and down while he kept his gaze at the scenery outside. "He said I'm not really your type, pero naging matigas pa rin ang ulo ko at ibinigay ko ang bulaklak." He released a sharp sigh. "I didn't mean to make you feel awkward around me. I get it now, Steph. I hope we can just pretend that I never confessed so we can go back to the way we used to... because I'm already missing how we spend our days together when you didn't know yet what I feel."

My heart pounced really wildly inside my chest. Is he... confirming now that he's really into me? Tama ba ang pagkakaintindi ko sa sinabi niya?

Hindi ako nakaimik kaya lalong gumuhit ang lungkot sa kanyang mukha. His chest rose and fell when he drew in a sharp breath, and when he shut his eyes before he spoke, pakiramdam ko ay may sumaksak sa aking puso dahil nakikita kong nasasaktan siya.

"I tried so hard. I told myself it was immoral to like you. Sinubukan ko naman. I even tried to look at other girls, hoping that I'd see in them what I see in you but... you just keep on raising the bar so high... and now I am losing you just because I couldn't stop my stupid heart from wanting you..."

Lumamlam ang mga mata ko. "Coal..."

"But what was I even thinking?" He clenched his jaw while his gloomy eyes remained looking away. "You're still young. You easily make heads turn. You may not see it yet but you have a great life ahead of you while I..." He sighed. "You deserve more than I can give you..."

Tuluyan nang nabasag ang aking puso. I can't believe that I am not the only one who's insecure between us. At nasasaktan ako na nasasaktan ko siya ngayon.

Pinuno ko ng hangin ang aking dibdib habang malungkot akong nakatitig sa aking mga tuhod.

"Gusto naman kita kaso... sino ba ako, Coal?" I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Kumpara kay Maggie, sino ba ako? I am... obviously nothing."

"That's not true. You are so much more than how you see yourself. If only I could lend you my eyes so you'd see how amazing of a person you are, you... you're not just a crown like what your name means. You are a broken and bruised queen who still gets up every morning to continue her fights..."

Iniangat ko ang aking tingin kahit na nagsisimula nang mangilid ang aking mga luha. "Pero hindi ako kasing successful ng asawa mo, Coal. Ano na lang ang sasabihin ng mga tao kung malaman nilang ako ang ipinalit mo kay Maggie? Yes, it's wrong to want you because you're still married to her, pero tatanga-tanga kasi 'to..." Idinuro ko ang aking dibdib. "Tanga kasi 'to kaya kahit alam ko naman na mali, na wala akong maipagmamalaki, gusto ka pa rin nito..."

I saw his eyes glistened with a hint of joy. "Is that... why you've been avoiding me?"

I bit my lower lip and nodded. "Y--Yes. Isa pa ay... kasal ka pa rin. Ayaw kong masira mo ang sarili mong mga prinsipyo."

"Since... I started feeling something for you, I already processed my annulment with Maggie. Akala ko kaya ko pang maghintay hanggang sa ma-annul ang kasal namin pero..." Nagpakawala siya ng hininga. "My mind knows the law like the back of my hands, but this beast caged inside my chest doesn't. It... wants to be freed and run towards you... kahit mali, kahit alam kong imoral. Ang... hirap-hirap labanan..." He placed his hand on the side of my face and wiped my tears. "Because I'd rather lose my career than what I feel..."

My lower lip quivered. "P--Paano ang pangako mo kay Coleen?"

Basag niya akong nginitian. "I'll never stop praying to God that someday, Coleen will understand... because I don't think I can still pretend that this conversation never happened."

I felt happy and terrified at the same time. Happy to know that we're on the same page, but I'm scared that I'm about to drag his name to the dirt just because I cannot stop what I feel for him.

Bumaba sa aking mga labi ang tingin niya, at nang maintindihan ko ang kanyang naiisip, tuluyan ko nang itinapon sa likod ng utak ko ang lahat ng maaaring maidulot ng tuluyan kong paglalaro ng apoy na pwedeng magpahamak sa aming dalawa.

I put my bag down and moved until I finally straddled him, and when his palms rested on my waist as I cupped his cheek while my other palm held him by his shoulder, I knew he was ready to choose me over his reputation.

Ibinaba ko ang aking mukha at tuluyang hinagkan ang kanyang mga labi. Our eyes shut and his grip on my waist slightly tightened as we kissed. My hips slightly moved, making him grunt as if I was triggering something inside him, kaya nang maputol ang halik matapos naming kapusin ng hininga, nakita ko ang pag-igting ng panga niya.

I traced his jaw with my fingertips. "Would you... really risk it all... for us?"

He drew in a sharp breath and clutched my hair to angle my head. I chewed my lower lip when I felt his minty breath on my neck, and when I heard what he said, I knew it's too late to still save the both of us from a dangerous fire that will soon burn his reputation down.

"I want you, Steph. I'd go down to hell carrying what I feel..."