Love, Sammy

"Three times in a row, you got my order wrong!" that's what I heard when I was about to start my afternoon shift today. A typical Karen. This is the season where you will bump into a bunch of them. Autumn season. "Ma'am, I am not deaf and, especially, I am not dumb. You changed your order a bunch of times now. I am not gon' make you another ice cream when you have already tasted this one. You have to pay." said Jason. I continued washing my hands while listening to them argue after a while I pinned my name tag that said Isaac. When Jason's done blowing up Karen's nonsense argument, I walked up and changed shift with him. "You gotta have debate skills when working in this field, man" he said scratching his head. I don't know if I should wish or pray that there is no another Karen this whole afternoon. I work at this ice cream parlor every summer when I was still in high school as part of my part time job but I decided this year that I would be a full time employee after I graduate. I don't have any plans whether to apply for a college, universities, or seek different jobs. I looked at the calendar that is placed at the counter. No one remembers. I diverted my attention when I found myself overthinking about certain things that happened in my life since I was sixteen. Today's my birthday and I am doing what I love. Yes, I love being at the ice cream parlor serving customers especially kids. I love kids, they are the most innocent and kind hearted type of people in the world. I looked around the shop and observe people who are enjoying their time licking ice cream cones and whatnot. Its half past four already when I looked at the clock. My shift is over within another half an hour so I decided to make myself one cookies and cream flavored ice cream topped with dried mango. "Hello, birthday boy." I smiled and nod to Leslie. "There is a free ice cream for a birthday boy, right?" I told her and raised my cup of cookies and cream. Leslie's our manager's daughter that runs the shop when her dad's at the doctor appointment. "Okay, that's on me." she said smiling and placed her bag at the cashier counter. Here are some of m y thought about Leslie. First, she's an average height of a girl with long, long hair. What I mean long is, her hair is at the same level of her knee. I wouldn't be surprised, its because of her religion. Apostolic Pentecostal women do not cut their hair, she's not even wearing any make up and always wear long dresses. For some reason, I am used to her being her. I mean, I can't imagine Leslie having short hair, or even wear make up. Secondly, she's the nicest person I've ever met. I never even saw her getting mad or annoyed about some things that normal people would get mad and annoyed to. Her patience is as big a size of an Antarctic Blue Whale and I definitely admire her for that. I looked at the clock and within a minute my shift will be over. I glanced at Leslie. She's checking the ice cream and the add-ons toppings containers. "Yes you can head out now." she said without throwing a look at my direction. I smiled and took off my apron, name tag, and hat. "Thank you, madame." "Lucky you, enjoy the rest of the day." she said smiling. I grabbed my bag and when I reached my bicycle, I unlocked it and drove to the nearest park. "Sup, Eddie!" I yell at him while he's out of his balcony reading newspaper. "Happy Birthday!" he yelled and wave his newspaper. "Thanks!". When I reached the park, it is already ten minutes past six pm. I sat at the bench and admired the overlooking river. I am tip toe-ing for a while to make myself busy when I hit something under the bench. It is some kind of pointy thing that seemed to be buried under. It is also mossy at first and full of dirt but soft. I looked like an i***t full of dirt in hands when I finally stopped digging. It was a some kind of a time capsule -- I guess. It is ironically labeled to be opened today. September 15, 1940. It says, Everything's better at twenty. I opened it and found a box that seemed to be made from rattan. There's a note that says, "Sammy, We did it." that is sticked at the small notebook. There is a bunch of notebooks. I read what's inside it and realized that it is a diary. Dear Sammy, Today I am writing to my future me. The twenty year old Sammy who will become. Mom said that if ever I feel lonely, I should write down to this little notebook that she gave me everything that bothers me. I fell off of river today trying to swing higher. It's my fault, of course. I know that. But that is not the reason why I am writing today. Of course it is because I am sad. I am not able to buy popcorn today at the nearest shop because it got sold out immediately before I woke up at my afternoon nap. I badly want those corns that are popped. That's why it is called popcorn, because it is popped and I think that smelled nice and taste nice too. Sammy A picture fell off the first notebook. It was a little girl wearing a floral dress and sitting under a tree. I flipped the photo and it says "Sammy at 6: Manhattan, New York". I placed the photo where it fell off. I chuckled slightly at the cuteness of her diary. "If curiosity kills the cat, might as well die feeding off my nosiness." I decided to keep the diary so I can read something back at the apartment. By the time it started to get dark and the lights at the park are one by one lighting, I decided to go home. I live in an apartment alone since I turned 18 with my roommate, Jason. We were both eighteen when we rented the apartment. Our fathers kicked our ass as soon as we turns in legal age. Jason works at the shop as a part timer and he is currently pursuing art. I saw him doodling something at a canvas when I arrived. "D'you want to go grab some smoked salmon at Fraunces?" he asked. Fraunces is the oldest restaurant here in New York and I guess its worth a shot. It's my birthday anyways but it also takes up to 14 minutes to reached. "We're riding a bus for a 14 minute drive?" He act like he's thinking of a solution. "How about we borrow a Cadillac?" he raised his eyebrows up and down while giving me a not-so-good smile. "That's too much, and--" "I let him borrow the car" Eddie interrupted and now, crashing in our apartment. "So?" asked Jason. "What are we waiting for? let's go" I said grabbing my beanie and bag. I tapped Eddie's shoulder to say that I am thankful. He nod. "Take care of my baby, okay?!" we waved goodbye and reached through the parked black Cadillac in front of the apartment building. "Are we about to picked up some lady tonight?" asked Jason teasingly. "I would not want that, let's just grab some food and go home, sleep, and work again tomorrow." "You just turned 21, Isaac. You should try to court some lady before your balls get soggy and will not be able to reproduce anymore." I can't help but laugh. Jason's always a little bold of his words and that is what Leslie don't like about him. "Aren't you gon' have an upcoming exhibit? I know your deadlines are already behind." We get in the car and he started the engine. I always thought about driving a car when I was a kid and it is a bit ridiculous now that I thought about it given the situation of my life. "Yes, I am behind my deadlines. It is a little bit frustrating when I do not even know what abstract expressionism is. I cannot think of anything, jumbled up, mixed, and will see as a one object or whatever." I chuckled, "Ladies like artistic men" I winked and he blurted out a huge sigh as if everything is hopeless. The wind blows just right at the window of the passenger seat. It's cold but not cold that its about to rain. It is cold just right that it blends perfectly for autumn season. The lights are in different color each street that makes New York seem a little alive at night. After a few minutes, we arrived at the restaurant and ordered what we planned on having, smoked salmon. I looked around the shop and it amazes me how it maintains the interior design clean and looking like what it is during 1700s. It is furnished and you can absolutely see yourself in their table because of smooth and glossiness of it. Its half past eight when we got home. Eddie's sitting at the sofa while watching television. He's watching a film called I Love You Again starring William Powell and Myrna Loy. "Thank you for letting us borrow your car, Eddie." I walk and sat on the sofa beside him. "Yeah, yeah no problem about that as long as you're taking care of my baby." he replied without looking at us. Jason is setting up his work space and starting to draw some lines in his canvas. I sat there for a few minutes until the show is over and when I looked at Eddie, he's already sniffing hard and wiping his tears. I am not certain if that is a tears of joy because the film is a comedy one. Its almost ten when I looked at the clock. I told Eddie and Jason that I would sleep early and before I close the door, Jason called me. "Happy Birthday. Its still your birthday." I nodded and closed the door. I looked around the room and the box earlier caught my attention. I thought of the diary and placed it in my drawer. It is almost past three in the morning and I am still not able to sleep. My mind just wonders on things that happened in my life and the things that should've been if situations have been better for me before. I search for my drawer and light my lamp. I decided to read the diary to help me get sleepy. The girl who owns this diary must be at least, twenty years old now. Dear Sammy, I just turned ten now. You might be wondering why I am writing today when I'm supposed to write to you when I am sad. Well, now I am sad. My heart broke into pieces and my soul barely help my earthly human body. It was early in the morning when I decided to wake up mom, I thought she's just in a deep sleep that's why I didn't bother her when she didn't answered. Dad slept in a separate room with mom since I was six. When I first wrote in this notebook. I didn't realized it until today that mom and dad are just keeping together for me. When mom didn't wake up until lunch I decided to check on her. She's cold, and pale, -- and looked dead. I immediately called dad from his work. He rushed to go home and before I even knew it, mom's already in a casket surrounded with white flowers and candles -- in a sanctuary. I never thought of this day. I never thought that mom would leave me before I even get a job, or married, or had kids. I also cannot believe myself that I did not even shed a single tear, I just feel empty and half of me is missing. I am not old enough to understand this but, I cannot seem to understand it either when I get a little older. Dad was smiling, greeting every person who will come at the door as if the death of mom was a huge relief for him. I don't know if he's just repressing his emotions of grief and sadness to let people think that we are strong enough to face this. I never thought that mom in a deep sleep will lead her to death. If only I know, I should've woke her up repeatedly until she gets annoyed and pinch my thigh slightly. Aunt Geneva came home from Boston to help us for mom's burial. She offered me food a lot of times today but I can't seem find the appetite that would get me to eat anything. Dad is still sitting at the table with his friends laughing like this burial reunited them after a long time. I am mad and afraid, and hopeless, and grieving and I hate him. I would trade an amusement park bonding just for my mom to be alive today. She promised me yesterday that we'll go to the Coney Island today to celebrate my tenth birthday but she didn't wait until today. I don't know if I will get used to living without mom. I noticed a girl from dad's group of friends becoming more comfortable with dad and the situation. I don't like her. I don't like anything that's happening right now. I wish it's just a long realistic dream. I hate it. Sammy I closed the diary. It didn't made me sleepy at all. All I can feel is sadness towards this little girl. I somehow relate to what she's feeling. The anger I felt in the past suddenly came back to me. I also feel a huge emptiness occupying my whole being. I looked at the clock and its almost five and I didn't get any sleep tonight. I spent the last minutes going through the box that I found. I saw a pink ribbon and several pictures. One was a picture of her and I guess her mother in the Coney Island. She resembles a lot in her mother. She's holding a balloon and wearing the pink ribbon that I found in the box. The second picture was her, sitting on a swing with a lake in the background and behind her is her mother and father. The third one was when she was three, She's sitting on a carpet and her mouth's full of chocolate. Before I pick the fourth photo, Jason knocked on the door saying he's leaving for work. "Yeah, put the keys in the bowl if you're going home late. I need the duplicate key." I heard the door shut and I started gathering the things I found and placed it in the box. Its been three days when I last opened the diary of the little girl named Sammy. It triggers deep sadness within me. I can't seem to focus for the last three days since I have been having flashbacks of what has happened to me when I was sixteen. "You should've stayed home. I know you're not that feeling well." said Leslie. I looked at her and shook my head. It's pounding and spinning. She helped me sit on the couch in the office. I rested my eyes for about forty minutes while she covers for my work. "I think I should get back to the apartment early. I can't give you anymore troubles for the day." She just smiled and nod. "Yes you should head back home. Get some sleep." I just shut my eyes for another forty minutes to condition my body. I barely have sleep for the last three days. The ringing in my ears keeps bugging me at night. When I felt a little better, I decided to go home. It was just nine in the morning when I got home. I saw Jason painting some kind of distorted faces in his canvas. It also forms a heart. Not a heart shape but a heart like in the anatomy books. "What happened?" He asked without looking at my direction. I placed the duplicate keys in the bowl and threw my body on the couch. "My head's pounding and spinning whole morning. Leslie let me get some rest for today." I can tell he's continuously nodding in my peripheral vision. I half closed my eyes shut until my body felt sleepy. Its probably because of the smell of paint Jason was using. I don't know the time when I woke up. The smell of waffle scatters around our small apartment and the coffee that is probably brewed. I also have absolutely no idea why Jason would eat a waffle and drink coffee during afternoon. "Breakfast is ready. Leslie come over for a while to give us some of her baked goods." "Wait, breakfast?" I asked confused. I am sure I slept at nine in the morning. "You slept very well. I didn't bother you to eat lunch and last night since you said you don't want to." "I said I didn't want to?" "Yes." He said more confused than I am with myself. My head's not pounding and spinning anymore but my eyes are sore. I still feel chilly as if my bones are about to crash. I decided to take a bath and left Jason confused at the dining table. When I'm finished, I felt a little lighter. "Leslie said that you should take a rest. She's making me come home late and cover for your shift." He sipped at his coffee and continued reading the newspaper. "Will you cover my shift?" "Of course. But you should cover mine next time." He winked, and that moment I knew what was he thinking. I shook my head in disbelief. "Come on, I'm seeing Anna this Friday morning." I don't even know who's that Anna. I just nod and sipped my coffee. When Jason left the house, I decided to take a walk in the neighborhood. I am honestly admiring how beautiful New York is. People are busy in the street and the smell of popcorn stall scatters around the place. The butter aroma makes it more desirable. I remembered Sammy's first entry in her diary. She must love popcorn so much. After a few moments I decided to walk in a bookstore near the apartment. Its actually only a few blocks away. The wind breeze compliments perfectly with the autumn season. The sun's light is bearable enough to walk in the street without an umbrella. When I walked into the bookstore, I already smelled the old and new books. I decided to look through the book shelves where the works of William Shakespeare lies. I read some of his sonnets but the twenty seventh caught my attention. Here's what he said in sonnet 27: Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed, The dear repose for limbs with travel tired; But then begins a journey in my head, To work my mind, when body’s work’s expired: For then my thoughts (from far where I abide) Intend a zealous pilgrimage to thee, And keep my drooping eyelids open wide, Looking on darkness which the blind do see: Save that my soul’s imaginary sight Presents thy shadow to my sightless view, Which, like a jewel hung in ghastly night, Makes black night beauteous and her old face new. Lo, thus, by day my limbs, by night my mind, For thee, and for myself, no quiet find. Its as if saying that no matter how tiring his day was, he can't seem to rest his mind for he's thinking about his beloved. I always thought about how unrealistic love could be. I grew up thinking that love is just merely because of obsession towards other person and it is controllable with the person who's passive in the relationship. I always thought that love is a hoax because if its true, why's everyone trying to find it? I looked around in the store for more than half an hour when I felt hunger. Its almost twelve in the afternoon when I decided to walk out of the bookstore and grab some lunch. I bought hot gingerbread and apple pie in the street on my way home. "You will never believe what happened today." Jason said just before he put his keys on the bowl. I am currently lying on the couch and re-reading William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. "Hmm?" I asked without looking at him. "Some guy picked up Leslie from work." I stopped reading. The thought of Leslie having a romantic relationship with someone never crossed my mind. "I know, its shocking, right?" He said with an exasperated tone. "You're quick to judge, maybe its her cousin." I said and continued reading. "Eddie's an only child, Isaac!" he said convincing me that its a guy who's romantically involved with Leslie. I noticed Jason's tension going up and he's worked up. "You like her." I said paying attention to his response. "NO. -- I mean, okay, yes. I like her." he said while stomping his feet like a child. "Then if you like her, who's Anna?" I said in disbelief. "She's my seatmate in art class and a nice girl I must say but she's not Leslie. You get that?" I nod and thought about all the girls he courted before. Now, this. This is why I believe that love is a hoax. When I looked at the clock, its already seven. I have no appetite to eat dinner. I left Jason working his ass up to his deadlines -- doodling on his canvas. I can tell that he's still a little bit worked up that Leslie might have a romantic relationship with another guy. A guy that we barely know. Its been days since I last touched the box and read the diary. Tonight's the night that I have courage to continue reading it. Dear Sammy, It has been a week since the burial of mom. I'm also not feeling well because of what happened yesterday. I am silently digging in our garden to plant some flowers when I saw dad at the back of our nursery garden. I thought he's just taking his time lighting a cigarette when I heard a girl's laugh as if she's being tickled. I know what's happening and I am mad about it. I decided to watch them kiss while my heart broke for my mother. I could've keep all these things together with myself until I die not until Bean jumped out of roof and land on my position that caused me to lose balance in hiding. Bean's a cat that I always feed when there's so much food on the house. Unfortunately, dad saw me. I run down the street where there's a lot of busy people that I could asked some favor to hide. I hid under a bin until it started raining. I am so mad and hurt and grieving for everything that's happening to me. Everything could've been better if mom was here. I am mad at dad for replacing mom only a week after her burial. I didn't realize everything's that's happening to me not until it started raining. I heard a footstep coming my direction and that is when the bin opened. I saw Brad opened it, he’s a garbage collector in our street. He said that dad’s looking for me worried sick. He walked me home and there, I saw police car in front of our house. Dad forced me to go to the doctor because I have to have at least, get nine stitches in my head and knees because of Bean. I am soaking wet when we got home and I think that's the reason why I am not feeling well today. I can survive if I get sick physically but what will be the death of me is the fact that dad has an affair with other woman only a week after mom's death. There are things that I learned since mom passed away. First, Life's too short for everyone of us. Second, Love is all fake and made up stories by films because if love really exist, then why is my dad already holding another girl's arm just a week after my mom's burial? If love's real, my dad at least thought about me and how I'll feel on things that he would have done. Sammy I felt every ounce of pain this little girl Sammy wrote -- the grief and her heart and soul shattering into small pieces. I looked at the clock and its almost ten. I think I spaced out for a while after reading her entry. A picture of her appeared when I flipped to read the next page. She's wearing a white dress and holding a bunch of picked flowers, her hair's curl and she's facing her right side. I continued reading her at least, last entry in this notebook. Dear Sammy, It has been a week since I caught dad having an affair with one of his female friends. He never brought up the subject since then and only gets home when he knew I'm already asleep. I don't know how should I open the subject since I am still finding the right moment to talk about it. I am not yet ready either. After that incident I barely leave my room and talk to him in the morning. He's been offering me breakfast for days now and I still don't give him a chance to eat with me. I am really mad about the situation and to him, of course. Yesterday he tried to offer me books -- I haven't touched them, they're still in front of my room. He said that books could help me take my mind off of things. I know what he meant by that. He wanted me to forget everything that happened and act as if it never occurred in the first place, of course. I know that, that's what adult people want. They would forget things especially if those things hurt someone in some ways. They want to forgive and then forget. Things can't be just like that, you know. I hope we will not turn out just like these adults who can't afford to be responsible for whatever they've caused. Things are just as messy as my room. I never let Nana clean my room or be in my room after that day. I wanted to be alone for a while. This morning when I know dad already left home, I decided to go on a walk with Bean and pick some flowers to put on mom's grave. I found some wild bergamot in our backyard and I plucked so many of those. I also sneaked out some bread to eat in her grave. I am just at the cemetery for a whole day and a pack of bread and a bottle of milk is just enough to fill my stomach. It was raining so hard and its almost dawn when I decided to go home. Nana rushed onto the gate worried saying she wouldn't know what to do if my dad knew I left home. She dried me with mom's towel, she knew I like mom's scent. She's in the middle of braiding my hair when she opened the subject about the incident that day. She said I should forgive dad for what he's done because that's what mom probably want if she's still here. I gave some thought on the things that she said. I don't think I'm ready to forgive him. Sammy  I closed the diary. I felt a huge sympathy for Sammy. I remember things so well in my childhood where it all went wrong and messy and hard, but of course, things have changed now. Although things are a little better today, the past still haunts every inch of me. The traumas and guilt and regret are still here, lying on my head every day, as if it became a huge part of me now that, someday, will eat me up and become the definition of myself.