Night with Sole Regret

TAKE ME III

"Me? I just came to see her for a few minutes, and you act like I'm some sort of criminal."

"Not a criminal," Tina said coldly, "just an i***t. Leave. Now! I mean it, Shade."

"I want my daddy," Julie wailed. Sobbing uncontrollably, she stretched her arms in his direction.

Tina released a heavy sigh of exasperation. "Are you happy, Shade? You've ruined her birthday. She was having so much fun until you arrived."

Shade was too flustered to defend himself. He hadn't done anything wrong. He knew Tina liked to make his life miserable, and sometimes he felt he deserved it, but she was a good mother to Julie. Tina was the one who'd gotten Julie so upset this time. She was the one who refused to let her have her present. She was the one who hadn’t even invited Shade to his own daughter’s party. He was not at fault here. Or was he missing something?

"Can I sit out on the step with her for a minute?” Shade asked. “I won't even come inside."

"Daddy!" Julie screamed.

He wasn't sure if he was capable of calming Julie at this point, but he couldn't stand to see her so distraught. Maybe it would be better if he stayed away. Maybe they were all better off without him. But just the thought of missing these few stolen moments with his princess made his eyes sting and his chest ache.

"Fine. Ten minutes, Shade. And then you're leaving."

He nodded, willing to agree to any concession.

A sobbing little girl was thrust in his direction.

Shade held Julie perched in the crook of one arm. Her arms tightened around his neck and she buried her wet, little face against his shoulder.

Julie gasped and sniffled for several minutes, but she’d stopped wailing immediately. Shade just held her, rocking her slightly and stroking her silky blond hair. He heard the door close, and was surprised that Tina didn't think she needed to supervise the two of them.

"Mommy said you forgot about my birthday," Julie said.

"Of course I didn't forget about your birthday, princess. I tried to get here as soon as I could."

"She said you had to sing at the loud pwace today, so you wasn’t coming."

"No, I don’t have a concert tonight, but I do have to sing. I have to sing to the birthday girl."

Julie drew back and looked him in the eyes. Scowling, she grabbed his sunglasses by the nosepiece and pulled them off. "Take these off. I can't see you."

Eyes exposed, he stared down at her, his heart filled with love and loss, joy and sorrow all at once.

"Can you see me now?" he whispered.

She nodded and squashed his face between two sticky hands. He made fish lips at her until she giggled.

"What do you want me to sing?"

"The Cinderella song!"

He chuckled. "I don't think I know that one."

"I'll teach you."

"Okay."

"A dweam is a wish when you fast asweep," she sang, using her arms and hands expressively to punctuate her heartfelt words. He’d have paid for front row seats to watch her perform.

Shade opened his mouth to sing after her, and she covered his mouth with her hand. "Wait. I messed up."

“I know,” he said when she moved her hand. “How about some Aerosmith?”

She sucked in a deep excited breath, her eyes alight with eagerness. “Yes, Daddy. Sing the angel song. See my wings.” She reached over her shoulder and tugged at one of her flimsy, sparkly wings. “I’m an angel.”

“You sure are,” he said. “An angel princess.”

He cleared his throat and sang to her, backing the lyrics, as always, with his entire heart and soul. “I’m alone, yeah…” By the time he was belting out the end of the second line, she was squirming in anticipation. He knew what she wanted. She just liked the chorus, so he skipped the majority of the first stanza and went straight to her favorite part.

Julie beamed as he sang to her. She looked at him with such utter adoration that his throat closed off and he choked over the next few words. She bounced excitedly, and he lifted his free hand to support her back so she didn’t jostle her way out of his arms and onto the brick steps at his feet. She hugged him when he’d finished and fisted her little hand around the cross hanging from the chain at his neck.

“Now sing the babe song,” she requested.

He smiled. Couldn’t help it. She always called Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” the babe song.

“Don’t you want to open your present?” he asked.

She jerked backward and smiled up at him broadly. She nodded, squirming to get down. He set her on her feet and squatted down in front of her to hand her the pink bag. He wished his gift was better wrapped, something Julie could tear into the way a little kid was supposed to open a birthday present. She tugged out the tissue paper and struggled to remove the large square box wedged inside the gift bag. Shade helped her. When he opened the lid for her, her jaw dropped.

“Oh, Daddy!” she squealed excitedly.

“Do you like it?”

She couldn’t seem to form words. But she could run in place excitedly, her entire body quivering with glee. Shade removed the diamond and pink-sapphire tiara from the box and set it on her head. Her hands flew upward to touch the little crown. “Now I’m a really, really real princess.” She nodded and looked up at him with expectant wide eyes.

“The most beautiful princess who ever lived.”

Her dazzling smile did things to his heart that would cause any cardiologist to cringe.

“I want to see my princess crown in the mirror!” She turned and started to rush for the front door, but he caught her and lifted her into his arms again.

He knew if she went into the house, his time with her would be over. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet. “Can I sing the babe song first?”

She held onto the tiara with one hand and nodded. “Yes, yes. I love the babe song.” She hugged him with one arm. “And I love my princess crown. And I love you, Daddy.”

He wished he had his damned sunglasses on. What kind of bad-ass rock star stood outside his ex-wife’s house, clinging to a little girl, with tears swimming in his eyes? “I love you too, baby.”

“Mommy says I can’t be a baby anymore. I’m a big girl now.”

“You are a big girl,” he whispered to her. And he wasn’t sure when it had happened. He’d missed so many of her milestones. “But you can be a baby when you’re with me, if you want to.”

“Sing.”

He sang “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” as if entertaining a crowd of twelve thousand. When he reached the chorus, Julie acted out the lyrics by offering him one smile and one kiss on the cheek. At the appropriate times, she held him close. She felt his heartbeat with one tiny hand and her own heartbeat with her other hand. He experienced this song on an emotional level whenever he sang it to her. He’d sung it to her in the middle of the night when she’d been an infant; it had never failed to soothe her. As the last line of the chorus rang from between his parted lips, he realized he did miss her. Even though he was holding her, he missed her. Terribly.