If my wings could fly

III

When I opened my eyes that day, I had a feeling. Something was going to be different from yesterday. The air was easier to breathe, the light was flourishing around me, music was not needed anymore for me to live. It seemed like the life was finally smiling back to me. Feeling me with joy once again. I could hear voices calling for me like people remembered my name after years. I felt like a flower during spring, opening my petals toward the sky, toward the light, letting life feel my inside. I had waited so long to feel like this again.

The hurting of those past time made me flourish harder, I could finally shine like I supposed to. But still, it hurt, to smile and to laugh, to go with what people thought. I still was fragile to the others judgmental watch. But I could feel that my time had come to live fully.

Maybe my prayers were finally answered to, maybe the universe finally acknowledged me. Something around those ideas was floating in my head. I was still young, and naïvely thought that the world would go easy on me now. You and I know, that it wasn’t possible to be that easy. Even after all those years in the dark, in the shadow, the world is darker and dirtier, it wouldn’t go easy on anybody but those who had money.

I am still naïve and young, I anticipate too much for my own good, maybe it could become dangerous. It scares me sometimes to see what I think and what I live, those are two different things, that I can’t seem to learn and separate.

I guess that’s because Destiny is jealousing me, so it chooses for me to be insecure about things that should be easy. It scares me to see that some people are more aware of me that I am comfortable with. When people see Me, I tend to hide behind smiles and giggling, a happy face that covers the ugliness of my mind. The dirtiness of my soul. I retract myself completely when people try to touch my heart or when they reach the limit of my privacy. I tend to change my character and scared off people who used to care about me. It’s not because I want to, it’s just easier for me to be alone and feel miserable.

Sometimes life decided to put on my way people who stayed during my hardest times, people who lived through the same things as I. And when I try to separate myself from them, I felt like something was missing in my mind. I feel like I don’t deserve all the happiness I was living trough. But I love it, I still need it. Love is my drug, I can’t go without it, sometime I feel like I don’t have enough, and then I go on and ask some to people I care about.

I don’t do hug for a long time when I do, they know they better take it. I don’t offer physical affection or proof of my love. I struggle to get it out of my mind, I struggle to say I love you. I hug and kiss when I feel down, many of them, I could say that they saved me. It’s hard to go up when you stayed down for so long. Angels and spirit worked hard for me to convince me to stay. I consider myself as a cat, independent put affectionately.

I come and go like I please, and I prefer liberty to a cage and closed room. Just let me love you when I need to, I’ll be patient. What you need, I’ll do when you are really in need of it. Just let me love you when I need you to. Since the world was created, humanity had a part in the dark. If I choose to ignore it, will you try and protect me from it? Are you ready to lie to me when I really need it, are you ready to dry my tears when I cry easily? Are you ready to find in me the person I was written to be? Just let me love you when I need you to. I just need you to wait until my wing grows back and I can feel like you the wind of liberty in my feather just like the old time.