THE GIRL HE NEVER SEES

CHAPTER 4: MISLEAD BY FIRST IMPRESSIONS

First impressions aren’t always right. They never did. But they matter not at all. It’s like a warning given to us whenever we meet and let new people enter our lives. Sometimes, we could be wrong, but our first impressions of other people are at least 1% true about them. I’m not a good judge of character, but my first impressions of someone never fail me at once.

***

(Present)

It was already past 10 pm and yet I was still wide awake, busy finishing all the last-minute touches needed for the sale of my parent’s rest house in the countryside. It took quite so long to finally let go of that house. It was my dad’s gift to mom. I can remember how he would flaunt it to everyone and how he worked hard just to save money and build that house for his family. It wasn’t a grand house. It was just a simple one. A single-family home filled with happy and even sad memories of our family. Every corner of the house is proof of every celebration we shared as family. But it wasn’t just pure happiness. Right after my dad passed away, the colorful lights suddenly became dark. I thought I wouldn’t be able to go home in that same house again.

Dad was my first love. That’s why losing him was very hard for me. After he left, I ran away from home. Not literally though, ‘cause I’d stay at my grandma’s house for a while. It took me six months before I decided to go back home. And when I did, all the pain just vanished away right after, when I saw my mom waiting for me. Dad was right. Before coming home, I had a nightmare. I saw dad in my dream. I was crying and hoping not to wake up from that dream. But he is right. He might be gone, but it’s not forever because we will surely see each other at the right time. And while waiting for that day, I had to fulfil my promise to him on his grave. I should be a good daughter to a mom. I should take good care of her now that dad’s away. Dad is right. I’m not the only one who’s in pain. Mom could be hurt, too. Much more than I am. And just imagining that she would also lose me just because I was crumbling with my own pain is something I can’t afford to have. Since then, the dark vanished slowly and new colors were painted as new memories came between mom and I. Life was tough for both of us. But we managed to survive because we had each other. But never did I expect this house would also be part of my young love.

***

(Past)

After that day, I thought things would run smoothly between us. I thought we could be good friends then. “You? It was you, right?” I happily asked while hugging him. But, he just responded to me with coldness. He took a step back. And eventually, they left me all alone. At first, I thought he might be too shocked to respond. That’s why I gave him the space he wanted. I didn’t bother him at all. I took a distance and just watched him from far. And whenever we meet in the hallway or during class, I smile at him since it would be too rude to just ignore him and act as if we don’t know each other. But he just acted as if we were a total stranger to each other. First, I’d let him do what he wants. I thought maybe I was the only one who wanted us to be friends. Since it takes two to tango, I also distance myself from him. I realized that maybe he was not the same person I thought he was. Plus, we were not really that close though in the past. It was only for a brief moment of being delusional that I had a friend in him. It was not that special, in fact, since I didn’t get his number and we didn’t communicate a lot after he had left of a sudden.

“Well, I guess it’s for the best given the situation we are in right now.” I murmured while lying on my bed.

“Ah! Right!” I uttered. “If he doesn’t want me to be his friend, so am I. Plus, I don’t need him, by the way.” I added while turning on my computer. “I already have a friend.” I whispered typing something on the chat box of my computer.

“Hello, Sun! How are you today?”

I couldn’t put away my smile while waiting for his reply. It’s been a week now since he hasn’t sent his replies to my messages. And it’s been killing me without knowing his situation. I met Sun when I was very down. That’s right after I came back to our house. It wasn’t a simple process. Although I’m not showing it to my mom, deep inside I was struggling. I had nightmares at night. And unlike when I was away from home, my dreams were terrifying for me right when I came back home. I could even wake up at dawn because of it. That’s when a friend came to me unexpectedly. It was like magic, as if it was dad’s gift to me.

I was at school at that time. In the library, to be exact. I was looking for a book I needed for my homework. I kept searching for it but I couldn’t. Instead, I found a book which caught my attention. It was a romance book that was kept hidden at the top of the shelves in the library. It didn’t fire my interest because I wanted to read this kind of book. It drew my attention because it had an envelope that seemed to be inserted on its pages.

“It might be a love letter.” I told myself. “And, it could be Jane’s secret love letter to her ultimate crush, Peter, who is the campus hottie and team captain of our school. No way!” My eyes rolled into shock and my face was gleaming with excitement. “Right! I did see her lurking on the corner of the shelves when Peter was reading some books in the library the other day.” I added, while shoving a chair near the shelves to help me reach the love letter. “Plus, I also accidentally overheard her in the rest room, that she would be confessing her feelings for him. That’s right! It must be from her. Nice! Finally! I would have something against her. She just doesn’t know how long I had waited for this day. Just wait, Prez. You won’t be bullying me around anymore.” I smirked. “Got it!” I added while laughing out of victory.

I quickly returned the chair to its rightful place. And scoot over to the nook in between the shelves where no one is around. I was so excited while opening the envelope. Heaven knows how much I waited for this day to come. Jane was the class president of our class while I was the vice-president. I’m in the top 1, while she’s in second. And it was a very competitive battle between us. Just like how I don’t want to lose her. But since she’s the class president, she never fails to annoy me in any way I want. Although it’s not part of my personality to let her do what she wants from me, I always end up getting bullied. Most of the time, I didn’t fight back the way she wanted. I fight back in my own way. And this is one of those ways—getting hold of her weakness—her secret admiration. But before opening the envelope, I crept around trying to make sure no one, especially her.

My heart just skipped a beat while slowly opening the envelope. But my smile was suddenly put away when I saw nothing inside of it. “It was a useless effort, then. After all the hassle I got through, I guess fate is not on my side this time.” I murmured while returning the book to a different shelf. But before I could leave, I accidentally dropped the book on the floor and saw a piece of paper with a poem written on it. I read it casually and the name Sun was written at the bottom of the paper.

“Hey!” I chuckled. “How could someone use a nickname like that? How weird.” I added while keeping the piece of paper in my pocket after seeing someone coming.

One day, I was having a meal with some friends in the school cafeteria when our topic was just about boys and going on dates. I know it’s not something I could avoid, but a topic like that makes me feel uncomfortable. Maybe because it hasn’t crossed my mind yet. And since my friends know how uncomfortable I am, they always make fun of me. That’s how I met Sun on the chat box. It started with a bet. My friends bet if I could make friends—not a girl but a boy, online. And to save my face from humiliation, I accepted the challenge.

“Hey! Why did you accept it, huh?” I screamed out in disappointment. “You’re crazy!” I added, feeling down on my way home. “You don’t know yourself yet? You will only get into more humiliation. Where on earth can you possibly chat with someone first on the internet? Plus, it should be a boy, too. Do you have the guts to make the first move, huh? I’m doomed.”

But, right before I stepped my foot inside the house, I touched something in my pocket. Something that made me stop for a while.

“What’s this?” I asked. My eyes rolled into surprise and my face beamed with brightness. It was the piece of paper I saw in the library earlier. Seeing that at the moment, I was desperately looking for a solution to my dilemma that made me very happy. A thought suddenly came to mind.

“I could use this username to be my friend online and show it to my friends. That way, I would win on our bet and I could save my face in front of my friends.” I expressed. “But first, I need to check if the username does exist in the online world. And if it does, I just need to send a response to the letter left on the book. That way, I won’t sound like some weird human being. Right! Hey! What a great plan! You’re such a genius lad, Gari! I didn’t know you’re good at things like that, huh!” I added while humming on my way in.

“I’m home!” I shouted.

“Oh! You’re home! Get changed quickly, okay? We’ll be having dinner in a minute.” Mom responded.

“Yes,” I replied.

I finished my dinner as fast as I could since I had to work on my plan as soon as possible. That way, I would know what to do next. The username doesn’t exist online, since I only had a week to win the bet. I can’t afford to lose this time around. It’s not only embarrassing on my part, but that would only give my friends more chances to tease me. Since my first love was my dad, I have always imagined myself dating someone like him. I’ve been rejecting quite a few love confessions since none of those match my dad’s personality and character. And that hopeless romantic view in my life has been my friends’ way of teasing me around during our conversations that ended up about dating and boys. That’s why I have to win this time.

“I have to win at all costs,” I told myself.

I quickly headed over to my room and turned on my computer. I immediately searched on the internet for the username—Sun134_MHB. And thankfully, the username was legit. I literally jumped off my chair out of fulfilment and satisfaction.

“Thank goodness!” I expressed. That’s when I quickly drafted a response to the letter the username—Sun134_MHB had left in the library. That way, I wouldn’t sound as if I’m using him to get what I want.

“Wait! Him? How sure am I that he was a boy and not a girl?” I asked myself. “Well, it could be a “he” since the profile was mostly the things a boy likes. Bikes, nature, scenery and dogs. Girls like me won’t post something like that, right?” I asked myself. “Yes, of course.”

That’s how our friendship started. And the rest was history. And since then, we send messages to each other. At first, it was a casual, friendly conversation. But most of the time, it's more of a serious one, like things related to life and growing up. I may not know him personally nor his name, but I know he was a boy. Actually, that’s the first thing I asked from him right after he replied to my response to his letter.

Talking to him virtually and sharing even the little things and unnecessary events in my life became healing for me. I suddenly got excited about going home and opening my computer. I was thrilled to message him about how things went through my day. Sometimes, he wasn’t like a supportive friend to me, but a mom who nagged me. But then, I didn’t unfriend him because of that, since his nagging has helped me to learn from my mistakes. That way, too, I was able to understand my mom every time she told me what to do and not. Growing up was hard, but having a friend like him, although I don’t know him personally except that his username is Sun, I was able to survive adolescence then. He’s a huge part of it.

But nowadays, he seems distant. I have sent a lot of messages to him but there is no single reply from him yet. I talked about a lot of things hoping he would reply just once. But, he’s still out of reach. I suddenly became worried about him. I wonder if he’s doing well or not since this is the first time that we haven’t talked to each other. And I feel more terrified because I don’t know how to reach him in the online world. We've been friends for a year now, but I still don’t know his name. Honestly, it did cross my mind. Asking his name and where he came from. But I ended up not asking him during our conversation. I don’t why but I just felt like if I asked about his name, I could lose him along the way. Not knowing each other’s real identity has paved the way for us to trust each other and be comfortable sharing anything we want to talk about. That way, we won’t judge each other. It was like there was an unwritten rule for our friendship to blossom until this time.

“But now, he was suddenly ghosting me, isn’t it?” I asked myself while staring at the monitor waiting for his reply. “This is not good, right? I should do something. As his friend, I should do everything to make him reply to my messages. If things aren’t going well for him, I should make him feel that he has got a friend with me. I should let him know that I’m willing to listen to him whatever situation he is in right now. Just like how he had comforted me all the time, I should do the same for him. Just like how a friend is.”

“Things are going well, right?” I asked.

“You’re doing well, right? I’m sorry for pestering you like this. It’s just that I’m a little worried about you. You’re not to to my messages and it’s been a week now. If something is wrong, you know you can tell me about it, right? Fine! I totally get it. You might want some space to think. But whatever you’re feeling right now. Whatever burden you have, just like what you usually told me in the past, it’s not always winter. Spring will surely come. Seasons do change, as well as our situation. Plus, I know you can overcome it, whatever it is. Life is hard, right? But, so are you! Don’t worry about me. Take all the time you want. I’ll be waiting for you, my friend.”

It was already morning seeing how the sun was up in the clear blue sky. I woke up feeling the stiffness of my neck from sleeping improperly on my chair. I stretched a bit trying to relax the cramp muscles before taking a bath. I was busy stretching my arms when I suddenly remembered something while staring at my computer.

“Ah! Right! The chat box.” I uttered while helplessly turning my computer on.

As soon as the computer was turned on, I quickly logged into my account, checked on the chat box and checked for his reply. My eyes rolled in surprise and my heart skipped a beat while seeing the reply I'd been waiting for more than a week now.

“Finally, he sent a message to me,” I added.

“I’m okay. I’m sorry for worrying you so much. And thank you for waiting, my friend.”

“He really sent me a message, right? Ouch!” I screamed after picking myself up, trying to make sure I was not dreaming or something.

“Yes! Nice one!” I added while jumping on my bed happily. I suddenly stopped for a moment when I heard the notification sound from my computer. I scooted over and saw that he had sent me another message. I quickly rushed towards the monitor and my eyes rolled into shock.

“Let’s meet up… in person.”

“What? He wanted to meet up in person?” I told myself. I was too startled to respond to his message. “This is totally out of the blue. I mean, why? Why would he want to meet up so suddenly? What’s gotten into him? He would want to end our friendship, doesn’t he? No way!” I sadly expressed. “Wait! What should I say to him? If I said no, he might be pestering me about the reason why I didn’t want to meet him in person. And it’s not like I can freely say the reason. I’m scared that meeting him would mean losing him in the end, since that’s how our friendship was built to begin with. That would be too embarrassing for me.” I hesitated. “But, if I said yes, I don’t think I would be happy to hear him saying that he doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore. That would be so heart breaking. What should I do, then?”

All those hesitations led me to nights for two straight days before I finally made up my mind. Yes, I am scared of what would happen after meeting him in person. But I realized that stalling would only lead to the worst situation. That’s why I said yes to him. Plus, I’m also curious about him. I guess it’s the perfect time to finally see each other in person, since it’s not like we could be friends in the chat box forever.

***

The D-day. That day we decided to meet up. I put on my favorite dress especially for this day. I wear simple make-up to look natural and not as if I was overdoing my look. I even wear my favorite white sneakers. I have worn it twice in my life. The first was on my dad’s birthday and the second one was right now—on my way to meet him personally. I was so excited about this day that I couldn’t get a good sleep since last night. I guess I was just too thrilled for this day.

“Sure! Let’s meet up.”

“By the way, how would I know that it was you?” The messages I sent to him.

“I’ll be wearing a denim jacket on that day with white shoes. You would know it was me since I would be bringing your favorite flower—green roses.” He replied. “But, how would I know that I was you, by the way?”

“I’ll be wearing a white dress and white shoes on that day. And, you will know that it was me, since I will be bringing a white balloon on that day,” I responded.

“White balloons? Why?” He asked. “Randomly?”

“You will know once we meet on that day. So, you better show up, okay?” I added.

I went to the place he told me to meet up as early as the time we agreed upon on the chat box. Not just because I was too excited to finally see him, but because I wanted to see him first. I want to see his face first. I want to know him first. Plus, he made a bet in the chat room last night that I wouldn’t be able to recognize him even if the signs he told me were right in front of my eyes, since I’m not a good judge of character. Well, that’s solely based on his biased opinion though. I still don’t get why he came up with that impression about him. I even pestered him about it. But, he was very persistent in not telling me the reason behind it.

“Chug… Chug… Chug…” That’s how my heart grumbles while slowly walking towards the park we agreed to meet.

“Calm down, Gari. Okay?” I uttered while pressing my chest and slowly breathing in and out. “This is the right place, isn’t it?” I added while sneaking sent the area and comparing it with the notes he sent me on the chat box. “Oh! It’s the right place. I guess I just have to wait for him to arrive.” I said while staring at my watch.

It was already past 10 am in the morning and yet he was nowhere to be seen. I sent him a message on the phone number he gave me so we could contact each other even if we’re outside. But he didn’t reply to any of those. I was deeply worried about him.

“Did something bad happen to him?” I asked. “No, it can’t be. Don’t be too absurd, okay? Nothing bad happened to him. For sure, something just came up out of the blue. But it doesn’t always mean it’s a bad thing, right? Of course. Hey! Stop it, okay?” I added.

I went home both feeling disappointed and deeply worried about him. I don’t want to think about negative thoughts, but my instincts tell me something did happen to him. The weekend had passed and I still couldn’t get hold of him. “Did he disappear again?” I sighed deeply.

***

At school.

“Oh! Gari, you’re here!” Charlie greeted him.

But I didn’t utter any single word, just a simple nod.

“Why? What’s wrong? Did something happen over the weekend?” She curiously asked.

“No,” I replied.

“Okay. By the way, we’ll be having our interview with the players of the school football team. That’s our school paper’s feature story for the month. You, Billie and I are assigned on that. I already sent you the venue. You just have to come after lunch break. You’re okay with it, right?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Okay. Bye! I’ll go ahead.

“Ah! Right! The interview. I almost forgot about it.” I uttered. “I guess I was too occupied about not seeing him on that day.”

***

It was already past 1 pm when I headed down to the ballpark. From a distance, I could see Charlie and Billie had already started the interview.

“I’m sorry.” I uttered for being late.

“It’s okay. You just have to do the last interview,” Charlie said. “Plus, we really have to go right now since we have a class at 2 pm and it’s very far from here. You’ll be doing the team captain’s interview so do a good job, okay?”

“What? The team captain?” I quickly asked and wanted to complain. But even before I could do so, he already declared he wouldn’t.

“I’m not doing the interview with her.” He uttered and just left casually.

“What?” I felt flustered about his rudeness. “What did you say?” I ran after him even to the locker room of the football player.

Thank goodness, no one is around except the two of us.

I grabbed him from his shoulder and was about to throw a pit at his sudden rudeness earlier, but I suddenly stopped for a moment when I saw the green rose that suddenly dropped on the floor. My heart sank for a while. I suddenly couldn’t breathe.

“Green rose?” I told myself. And suddenly the thought of meeting the sun on that day resurfaced upon seeing the green rose on the floor. Then, every little piece about Sun reoccurred with him—with Louie. And all those puzzle pieces lead up to one big picture. That Sun and Louie could be the same person. That the guy I’ve been wanting to meet is the person I loathe to see in the whole wide universe. “How pathetic fate could be?!” I added.