THE GIRL HE NEVER SEES

CHAPTER 3: “THE FIRST” THAT DIDN'T MEAN TO BE “THE LAST”

The word “first” has a lot of meaning for every human being. "First day of school" could mean first day of experiencing new things with different people. "First crush" could mean first day of feeling butterflies in your stomach and heart-pounding moments. "First friendship" could mean first day of sharing your ups and downs, your dreams, and your goals in life. First love could mean your first time giving love and care to that special person. First heartbreak could mean your first cry and first time feeling the unexplainable pain your heart crumbles. Our "firsts" are always made of good and bad things, just like how it is in life. But sometimes in life, the first happens only to teach an important lesson but is never meant to last. Just like how it is with him. My first love didn’t mean to last.

***

(Present)

“What did you say?” Amy reiterated. “You met who? Louie? As in Louie Garcia? The one that got away?” She added. “Your first love?”

“Yes, but not anymore. The first that didn’t mean to last.” I sounded bitter.

“Whoa! What a small world after all.” She commented. “So, how was your first meeting, huh?” She excitedly asked. “Was there a spark just like in the past? Was there a slow-mo and the-environment-suddenly-stop moment? Or, did your heart skip a beat?” Her voice was so hyped. “Did you see any stars? Was there a butterfly on your stomach? Did your heart race faster? As if you couldn’t breathe at all?”

“Hey! Stop it, okay?” I immediately stopped her wild imagination. “That didn’t happen. Never! And it will never happen. I won’t fall for his tricks again. Not in this lifetime.” I strongly explained.

“For real?” She teasingly asked.

“Never!” I toughly responded. “I didn’t come back to the Philippines to see him. He was out of my life long ago. And I don’t have the luxury of letting him be part of my life again.”

“Are you sure?” She continued to ask silly questions.

“I am sure!” I shouted. “Hey!” I impatiently replied.

“Okay! Okay! I get it.” Finally, she stopped her teasing schemes. “Why are you edgy today, huh? Did something happen? Or, did Louie do something that got into your nerves?”

“No,” I quickly stopped her wild imagination. Knowing Amy, she’s an expert at exaggerating things, especially about my love life.

“But seriously, friend, what about your son? Have you thought about telling him about his father? I mean, he’s growing up now, and making up stories about his dad would no sooner affect him. You know what I mean, right?” Amy uttered.

“I know,” I sadly replied.

“I know you’re scared of the truth being revealed. But, Blake is a bright boy. And you poured out your love for him so much. I know he won’t leave you just to be with his father.” She added.

“I’m not scared that Blake would choose his dad over me. Or, maybe I was a little scared. But, what really scared me a lot was the reality that he might get hurt once the truth is exposed.” I replied. “I was once in his dad’s messy world. And I don’t want my son to experience all of that. I only want the best for him, including a happy childhood. If only his dad was not a celebrity and just an ordinary person, maybe I would let them see each other as soon as possible. We might not be on good terms, but he has the right to be with his dad. He has all the rights in the world to know his father and experience what it felt like to have a dad. I’m not that selfish enough not to give that kind of experience to my son.”

“By the way, he has been asking me a lot of times when you will be back here. I told him you'd be here before his birthday. The other day, I told him you'd be here after three days because that’s what you told me on the phone, remember? But after not seeing you back here for three days, I don’t know how to face your son anymore. You know how witty he is.” Amy stressed out.

“I’m sorry. You had to lie.” I said.

“But thankfully, he believed in my reasons this time. So, you better finish the things you need to do there and come back here as soon as possible.” Amy added. “Don’t worry about him. He might not stop asking about when you would come back here. But I guess it’s just his way of telling how much he misses you. So, come back here in a hurry, okay?” Amy added.

“For real? I’ve been dying to see him, too. Send my hugs and kisses to him, okay?” I uttered.

“Sure! No worries.” Amy uttered.

“Thank you,” I uttered.

“Suddenly?” She asked.

“But, seriously, thank you for everything. It gives me peace knowing that you were there to take care of my son while I’m here.” I expressed. “Thank you so much! I’ll treat you for some time once I’m back, okay?”

“Sure! You really have to. I’ve been waiting for that day. I will surely use your credit card up to its credit limit. So, wait for it, okay?” Amy added.

I paused momentarily as if my mind turned blank and no information had been processed. I was sitting on my vanity chair while talking with Amy on the phone. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and a memory flashed in—a memory I thought I had buried a long time ago—a memory all filled with him.

***

First day of college. The most important day of my life. Another chapter to unfold. New adventure to welcome. New learning to add to my portfolio. And new people to make friends with. That’s even more the reason why I’m very excited about going to college. It wasn’t just to fulfill my life-long dream—to be a fashion designer. But, to meet new friends and build new friendships. It wasn’t just me who was full of excitement—mom, too. She even woke up two hours before my alarm hit 5 am just to cook my favorite food, prepare my first-day-of-college attire and even organize a lunch set for me.

“Mom?” I sweetly protested. “I’m not a kid anymore. I don’t need a lunch box. I’ll just eat in the campus cafeteria or I can eat outside with friends.”

“But, these are healthier and more nutritious than eating fast food meals.” She explained while stuffing some fruits into the lunch box.

I couldn’t stop myself from smiling while looking at her busyness early in the morning. Mom would always pack some lunch for me whenever I went to school. Well, not just her. Back when I was young, it was her and dad who were fighting as to what dish and how much they would place on the lunch box. That same noise would wake me up in the morning. But they’re not bickering. Dad was just teasing my mom, since mom was a literal OC—over clean, over creative, over at everything, and OP—over perfectionist.

But that’s part of her charm. That’s how my dad falls for her. Well, that’s according to my father. And that early morning routine became a habit not just for them but even for me. Because as a young child, I felt delighted and extremely happy seeing both my parents happily in love, as if no one and nothing could set them apart. The same reason why I became a hopeless romantic. Since I was young, I have always believed in happy-ever-after—about destiny, fate, and meant to be, whatever you call it. I always believe that every woman has a man prepared by God for her. Someone who would make her special. Someone who would make her laugh, smile, and all the roller-coaster ride of emotions. Someone who would make her feel the most loved in the world.

But when dad died suddenly, I thought mom would stop doing her morning routine—preparing my cute lunch box. I thought she wouldn’t have the enthusiasm to wake up early in the morning and cook all the dishes. I thought she would just stop even smiling at simple things. I know and I can feel her pain. I even overheard her crying at night in her room. And I also knew that even her smiles were tainted with pain and sorrow. Mom might not spill a word, but I can feel her heaviness inside. And she was just trying to smile and tell herself, ‘it’s going to be okay for me. That’s why seeing her smiling and with all the fuss of organizing a cute lunch box for me, makes me feel satisfied and happy. I just felt like my mom was back… for real.

“Bye, mom!” I kissed her on the cheeks and hugged her tightly.

“Bye! My precious daughter.” She added. “Wait! You almost forgot your lunch box.”

“Yes,” I responded.

That was a typical day for a freshman fine arts student like me—hurriedly taking huge steps to catch the bus on time, bringing her pink bag with a small handbag containing a cute lunch box prepared by her loving mother. I feel mixed emotions as I hop on the bus going to university. I am excited about the new chapter of my life. I am thrilled to meet new people and make new friends. I am overjoyed with the thought of experiencing something new and the first in my life.

But as soon as I got off the bus, my excitement was replaced with irritation as a sudden downpour ruined my appearance for the first day of school. I immediately rushed to a nearby convenience store to buy a piece of umbrella only to find out that only one piece was left in the display area. My heart stopped beating as my eyes were only focused on the one umbrella left. I hurried my steps and stretched my hands as far as I could just to reach it before somebody else would. But as soon as I touched the handle, someone took a grip on the body of the umbrella. I looked up and saw a guy holding an umbrella on the other side. I stared at him and our eyes met. But I didn’t falter. I stared at him fiercely, telling him to back off because the umbrella belonged to me. I’m the first one to touch it, so normally it belongs to me. But I don’t know if he was just naïve or insensitive that he suddenly tightened his grip, pulling me closer to him. It was so sudden that it left me speechless and shocked. After realizing how embarrassing this moment was, I immediately separated myself from him and eventually released the umbrella from my hands, leading him with a smirk on his face as he paid at the counter.

“Gosh! What a jerk!” I told myself.

I went outside the store and waited for the rain to stop. But after a few minutes had passed, I felt agitated seeing how the rain continued to pour as if it never gets tired and I had an 8 am class. Plus, it’s the first day of school, so I can’t be late. Not on this day. That’s when I decided to run to campus and get soaked in the rain, since I had no choice at all. I placed my bag above my head and ran as fast as I could.

“Just a few steps, Gari,” I told myself. “It’s okay. This won’t put you into a one-week off from class. Just a few more steps and you’re…” “Bang!” A loud thud echoed in the hallway.

“Ouch!” I murmured while growling with pain on the floor. “Sucks!” I added after getting into another mishap on my first day at school. I slowly stood up while picking up my things that ran all over the place. But even before I could finish it, the guy who accidentally bumped me was also murmuring.

“Are you blind, or something?” He fumed while wiping the dirt on his jacket. “Can’t you be more cautious? This is a hallway, so technically there are a lot of people passing by. You can’t simply be careless in this place. Do you get it?” He added.

But instead of feeling remorse for what happened, the more I get pissed off seeing his face. His eyes, his nose, and his lips, everything about him annoys me so much. “Wait?” I told myself after remembering the incident at the convenience store earlier.

“Gosh!” I murmured after realizing that it was the same guy that had taken the umbrella I was supposed to buy. “Hey!” I shouted after seeing how he had just left after mocking me, where, in fact, everything was his fault. He suddenly hugged me so he could get the umbrella and now, he’s the one fuming with rage because he was the one who bumped into me.

He stopped walking and stared at me. “Why? What do you want? Huh?!”

“Hey! Where are you going?” I asked while approaching him, looking brave and arrogant. “Would you mind saying sorry at least before leaving?”

“Sorry? For what?” He proudly chucked.

“Seriously? You’re laughing?” I irately uttered. “You’re the one who bumped into me. And earlier, at the convenience store, you’re the one who stole my umbrella. And now, you’re just leaving so easily as if nothing happens. What a shameful jerk!”

“Jerk? Hey!” He retaliated. “Do you know me? Do you know who I am for you to say that I am a jerk? It was you who bumped into me because, obviously, you’re looking in front. You are busy looking at your back when you don’t know someone is passing by. Plus, the umbrella. Who says that’s yours? It was placed on the display area, which means it’s for sale. I’m the first one who took the umbrella, so the right to buy it belongs to me. You know what, just a piece of advice, don’t bring your country-side personality here in the city and to this university. We don’t cater to naïve and innocent ladies. You have no place here,” he added.

I was about to defend myself from him but the bell rang suggesting the start of the first class. I immediately ran towards my classroom. Since it was my first time at the university, I had a hard time searching for the classroom for my first subject in the morning. It took me 15 minutes to finally arrive at the first subject. But after seeing how the class had already started, I hid outside the door while staring closely at the professor talking, trying to get a chance to smoothly enter the class without getting any attention. I scooted and walked, bending my body. It went smoothly as planned until someone made a sudden unsolicited comment.

“Sir!” Someone called from the back. That’s when I ran towards the empty seat at the back. “That was close,” I told myself.

“Yes?!” That’s when the professor turned his back in front of us. “You!” The professor suddenly sounded furious. “The one who just entered the class.” He added while everyone was staring at me.

I feel dumbfounded by the sudden attention I get. At first, I hesitated to stand up, but after seeing how the professor’s eyes suddenly turned into fierce lions wanting to devour everyone, I suddenly stood up with trembling hands.

“You know what I hate about students? Tardiness!” He suddenly shouted while glaring at me.

“Gosh! That startled me.” I whispered. I feel like my heart suddenly stops for a while. I’m not used to this amount of attention I am getting right now. Before coming to school, I clearly told myself not to stand out at school at any cost, which means I shouldn’t be nosy about other people’s business, since in the past too much curiosity about other people’s lives has brought me into hard trouble. And the recent was off to no good—the one at the bridge. Although, it wasn’t totally bad at all, since we settled the misunderstanding between us. And, we became friends. “Friends?” I asked myself. “Or, was it only me who thinks we’re friends since, after that day, I haven’t seen him for a while now.”

“Take a seat.” The professor uttered. Thank goodness, he let me take a seat after the sudden spotlight I received.

“Ha! Ha! Ha!” Someone chuckled at my side.

“Speaking of the witch,” I whispered after hearing that stupid laugh from the person who ditched me in front of the class. I stared at him closely wanting to punch him in his face. “What a sly fox!” I murmured. “Wait!” I told myself after realizing that the man who was sitting at my side—the one who was chuckling as if I was a laughing stock and the one who was behind my unwanted spotlight was the same person who stole the umbrella in the store earlier and the same person who bumped me off in the hallway.

“What a perfect day!” I sighed deeply while feeling betrayed by the situation. I was clenching my fist while staring at him fiercely, wanting to punch him in his face while my eyes were glaring with fire. Thankfully, I was reminded of mom’s words. “Don’t get into trouble, okay? Study hard but have fun at school, okay?” Then, breathe in and out. “Yes, mom! Don’t worry. I won’t let him ruin my university life. After all, he’s a jerk. He’s not because of emotions and stress.” I added while meditating and calming my nerves. “Why am I getting worked up on my first day at school? Gosh! What a bummer!”

After my morning class, I went to the ball field inside the university premises while bringing my food for snacks. I decided to take my snacks in the heat of the sun and then eat them inside the cafeteria where it was too crowded and noisy. I guess I’m still not used to the noise of the city. I know I have to adapt as soon as possible since this will be my home for a while.

After dad passed away, mom decided to move and settle in the city. She told me that the reason behind it was for my sake, since it would be a hassle to travel back and forth from home to school. A three-hour trip every day is literally not a joke at all. But deep inside, I know it was because living in the house alone would remind her of dad. I know how much she loved him. Plus, I don’t think I’ll be able to live peacefully in the city far from her, especially knowing how she cried at night having those nightmares about dad.

Meanwhile, the field was in chaos. On the other side, there was a group of people doing some footwork with a ball. “They must be football players,” I murmured while devouring my tuna sandwich. On the other hand, there was a group of students who were running on the left side of the field, while in the other corner, others were playing badminton. But some were just lounging around, just like me enjoying the scenery and the heat of the sun.

“Let’s go, Knights! Let’s go, Captain G!” A loud cheer echoed across the field. It wasn’t just a simple cheer, as the group of women was cheering with a smile all over their faces. It looked like there was an intense match where, in fact, the players were just doing some training.

“Captain G?” I whispered. “He must be famous seeing how the field was swarmed with his fans.” “Whatever! I added while sipping my cold soda. “Whoa! That hits the spot.”

“Nice!” I uttered while closing my eyes and feeling the quiet moment. But the alone time I was enjoying for myself was suddenly disrupted after I got hit by a ball. “Ouch!” I grumbled while touching my head.

“I’m sorry! But, can you please pass the ball?!” Someone shouted from the field. “Over there!” He added, pointing to the ball that hit me. I know it was just an accident but I suddenly got worked up after seeing that the guy who was shouting and asking for the ball was the same person who suddenly got on my nerves earlier. From the convenience store incident to the classroom, this guy has never failed to piss me off. And now, he’s doing it again.

“Please? Just kick the ball over here!” he pleaded.

Then, a thought suddenly came to mind while staring at the ball. “This is my time to take revenge.” My evil thoughts resurfaced. I headed towards the ball and picked it up.

“That’s it.” He uttered while smiling.

Before tossing the ball back to him, I breathed deeply, gathering all the strength and energy I needed to pass the ball so he would at least feel my rage. I positioned myself like I am on a bowling field while glaring at him closely. But, you know the famous saying that karma is real— that whatever you do to someone, whether it’s good or back, it surely comes back to you twice. It might take longer or it might affect me as quickly as possible, just like how it is for me. Right after I toss the ball hard to him, I twist my ankle and lose my balance and eventually fall off the ground.

“Another laughingstock!” I murmured while hearing all the chuckles from everyone who became my audience for this another embarrassing moment.

“Hey! Are you okay?” He laughed while helping me get up. “Hey! How could you fall like that? You clearly have no sense of balance at all.” He continued teasing.

“I’m okay!” I shouted after standing up. “Move!” I added while glaring at him.

***

After class,

“Finally, the day is over. Finally, I could get home and escape from that jerk.” I murmured on my way home. Despite not having a memorable first day of school, I still feel good and happy since I’ve met new people and made new friends. Going to college has made me feel a bit scared because it’s a new environment, which means another adjustment to make. And I don’t know if I’m good at meeting new people and letting them enter into my life. After my dad passed away, I suddenly became a loner. Although I always put a good smile in front of everyone’s eyes, deep inside I know I’m not doing great. I had inner battles. I can’t tell my mom who was also in pain. I had to overcome those alone while doing a good daughter's act in front of my mom. I can’t afford to be weak. I can’t afford to be in pain. My mom had already lost a piece of her life and just imagining losing me as well would be tormenting for her to carry. But coming to university today doesn’t seem like a bad choice at all. Although it wasn’t a memorable one because of him, it was still not a waste.

“Speaking of that jerk!” I murmured while noticing from afar. “Is that him?” I squinted my eyes to take a clearer look at someone who was talking to a girl. “No?! Maybe?!” I paused. “Ouch!” I added after seeing how the girl suddenly slapped him on the face. “That must be his girlfriend,” I added. “Or, maybe, ex-girlfriend. Coz’ by the looks of it, they were fighting. Lover’s quarrel I guess. Wait! What is it to me, then? Whether they’re fighting or not.” I told myself. “Hey! Gari, Seriously?!” I chuckled after realizing how pathetic I was by sneaking into other people’s lives. “Let’s go! Mom is waiting for you, remember? You’ll be visiting dad’s grave today. Let’s go…” I hummed, continuing my steps.

But even before I could go any further, I suddenly stopped after seeing how the guy suddenly walked towards the sea. "Wait! Would he drown himself? Would he kill himself?” I uttered. My heart suddenly skipped a beat. “No!” I whispered. “No! Wait!” I suddenly shouted as loud and as far as my lungs could go while running towards him as fast as I could. “Thank goodness!” I expressed loudly after grabbing his hands and stopping him from doing something bad to himself.

But, instead of getting a “thank you”, the first thing I heard from him was, “Hey! Are you crazy?” I was in utter shock in response to his ungrateful attitude. But what surprises me a lot is the identity of the guy I saved earlier was the same guy who ruined my first day of school. “What a playful coincidence!” I murmured. This is the reason why I don’t want to be nosy about other people’s lives. Instead of receiving gratitude from them, I only get insults and a lot of shouts asking me if I was crazy. The guy from the bridge 2 years ago and now, him…

“Wait?” I asked myself after seeing the wet handkerchief in his right hand. “Why am I seeing things?” I added. It was the same handkerchief I saw with the boy on the bridge 2 years ago. “You?” I asked after putting out all the pieces of my memory related to him.

“It was him all along,” I added.

***

Looking back on that day, I know I had already fallen for him. Back when I accidentally saved him on that day and on that bridge, I know he became a special part of my life. But I didn’t know that the first of my first experiences with him was only for a moment. It was only later on that I realized it was never meant to last.