Making Purple

The first thing I see when I wake up is my closet. It is my safe place. In a world where we see only pink and blue, my closet allows me to see just the pitch darkness. I always look in the mirror and see pink. I wonder how it would be to be blue, green, or even just grey. Anything but pink. I am tired of this color that stains me. I never minded this color pink, until I met you, Annie. You are also pink and I didn't think it would matter. However, you only looked at blue. You adored blue. You only loved blue. "What about me Annie? Do you love me?" I ask her. "Of course Taylor. You are my best friend!" she exclaims. "Just because I'm getting married doesn't mean we are over silly" I sigh and look at her spin around in a wedding dress. "James hasn't even proposed to you yet. Why are you buying a dress already?" I ask. Her grin grew bigger and she giggles. "Well..." My heart begin to squeeze. "You didn't tell me? Your maid of honor? Wow." "Oh I can't wait to be called Annie Castillo. Mrs. Castillo" she starts to daydream about her wonderful future while I sink deeper into my own darkness. "Can we go eat. I am starving" I whine to her wanting to get out of here. I just want to spend time with her without her mind thinking of James and their future. "Well help me find the perfect dress first!" "You look amazing in all of them. Lets go eat" I tell her. "I'm getting very, very hangry" She roll her eyes. "Okay fine. Anything for my best friend." I unlock my car and drive us to eat at her favorite restaurant. "Are you going to get a salad?" I ask her. She glares at me. "Are you going to get a salad?" she mocks me. "No, in fact I'm going to get a nice creamy shrimp alfredo." I chuckle at her silliness. She's adorable. We order our food and all she can talk about is James. "No more James" I tell her. "I might end up erasing him from Earth if you don't stop talking about him. I have had enough of him" She just laughs. "You don't understand," she smiles looking away with loving eyes. "When you love someone, they're all you can think about." "All I think about is you" I whisper. "Who?" she ask with her eyes wide. "Who is it? I didn't catch that last part." She gasps. "Taylor! What are you hiding from me? Do you have someone special in your life? A boyfriend? A crush!" She looks so bright. I just wish I can tell her. "A...A girlfriend" I tell her. "N-Not yet though!" Then I realize I said girlfriend instead of boyfriend. "A girlfriend?" she looks at me shocked. "Why didn't you tell me?" she ask. I feel like time stopped in that moment. I spent years rehearsing this conversation in my head. Well a conversation when I come out to her about my own color and tell her that I love her. "I love you" I tell her straight up. I could feel my hands shaking and I put them together to calm myself down. This isn't how I imagined this conversation to go. I was going to come out and explain to her about how I really feel then tell her I have always loved her from the moment we met in high school. "I love you too" she says smiling. No, she doesn't understand what I'm trying to say. "I love you more than you love James" I tell her. "Come on" she says with a mischievous smirk. "You can tell me anything. Since when did I ever keep a secret from you?" I just stare at her in disbelief. I'm not sure if she really doesn't know or if she's just torturing me. "It's okay then. I won't pressure you to tell me who she is" says Annie. "Just know that I will always love you no matter what happens okay? Even if you have a girlfriend. I won't hate you for that. You are my best friend. You are always there for me and so will I to you." I just smile, a sad smile. "Well she's..." I started and I hesitated to continue. "she is...she is just the most wonderful human being" I tell her. Annie just smiles that beautiful smile. "Tell me more" "She has the most stunning smile. She's so innocent like an angel. I just want to protect her and cherish her. I want to hold her tightly. I want her to hold me. Her being happy makes me happy" I tell Annie. " She's always on my mind and she's all I can think about." I look at Annie in the eyes. "She is my starry night. My infinity. The most beautiful." "I have never seen you like this" say Annie. "I approve of this lovely lady you spoke of. Introduce me to her when you are ready to. Okay?" "Okay." I answer her. I want to so badly tell Annie that it's her. The one I love. The one I cherish is her. No one else. "Annie" I bite my lips. I have to tell her before it's too late. "Actually..." I stop. She's going to reject me and our friendship will be ruined. "She..." I feel my heart beating faster and my breathing changing. "Ah! Taylor give me a sec" she stops me and answers her buzzing phone. "Hi baby!" Annie says with a giant grin on her face. "Oh I'm eating lunch with Taylor. Yeah! We went to go check out some wedding dresses. Hey! Don't make fun of me. I know you just proposed but I'm excited jeez" She is the most beautiful when she's happy. I feel my lips curving into a smile. That's right. I can't tell her. This friendship is the only thing keeping us together. If I ruin it, then I will never get to see her smiling face like this again. "I'll be there in time. Just remind me please. Yeah I love you. Bye" she kisses her phone before hanging up. "What were you saying?" she asks me. "Gross" I say with a disgusted face. "I don't think I can be the maid of honor anymore. I won't be able to stand you love birds." She frowns at me and sticks out her tongue. "Whatever. You were so happy when I asked you" "uh huh" I mumble. "Plus you've been with us for like what 5 years? You can handle one day" "Yes Annie. I have been third wheeling for 5 years. I can handle another day" She just laughs. I return home and Annie return to her home with James. Well, this is it. This is my life. I walk to my closet and sit in there, crying silently. Time pass by to a month before the wedding. She finally found her dream dress. Annie invited me over to stay the night because James won't be home until late. "Oh Taylor just imagine the look on James's face when he sees me walking down the aisle!" "Yeah" I mumble. "I'm so excited!" she screams jumping up and down. "I'm happy for you" I tell her. "How do you do it? Live alone? Is it because I watch too many horror movies? Maybe." she laughs to herself. "What's the matter Taylor? You're very down today. You can talk to me." "It's nothing" I laugh it off. "Nothing." She takes me to their room and made me feel worse. "What are we doing in here?" I ask. "To watch a movie. The bed is more comfortable than the couch. Oh plus, James's aunt bought us a giant T.V because she said 'Once you have kids, you're gonna want more than one T.V'" She blushes. "Kids..." "Isn't she that aunt that has like a hundred kids?" I ask. "Stop it Taylor" Annie laughs "She only has 10 kids" "Only?" I say. "No wonder she needs more than one T.V" "Come on" say Annie. "What do you want to watch?" "Anything" I tell her. "Horror movie it is" she says excitedly and puts on a movie. I look around the room. This is where they sleep together every night. "Is this the side you sleep on?" I ask. "Oh yeah. I didn't think you would like sitting here because it smells like James." I place my hand on her pillow. I grab it and hug it tightly. Smells like her. "What? Are you scared?" Annie teases me. She grabs my hand. "I'm here. Don't worry" I smile. "Who exactly is scared?" "You!" say Annie. I smirk. She's cute. I rest my head on her lap. "I'm scared. Hold me." I can feel her hand run down my arm to my hand, holding it tightly. She's definitely scared. I sit up and stare at me in the eyes. "What?" she asks. "Is something wrong?" "You're really getting married" I tell her. For the past few months I keep praying that this is all just a dream. That she wasn't getting married. That James Castillo didn't exist. "Would you ever even just a little want to date me?" I ask her. "Of course. Who wouldn't want to date their best friend?" she laughs. "Don't worry. You sound like James is stealing me away from you" "Well he is" I say angrily. I turn off the movie. "I have been thinking lately Annie. I keep thinking it over and over but I really...just...it's driving me insane! I just can't hold it in any longer." "You're not making any sense Taylor" I shut my mouth. What am I saying? No, I have to tell her no matter the result. It's Annie though, she will understand me. I hope. I can't keep hiding like this and suffering. "I have never kissed anyone before" I tell Annie. She lets out a worried laugh. "That's it?" "This bed..." I look at it. "You and James had s*x on it" She blushes. "Why are you saying that!" "I'm still a virgin" I say. "That's no problem Taylor." My eyes begin to tear up. "I saved all my first time for that someone special. I wanted them to be special. Everything to be special with just her. Yet, she's going to be someone else's." Annie look at me sadly. Her bright smile disappear. "Oh Taylor" She gives me a hug. "Can I kiss you?" I ask her. "W-what?" she asks. "Me? Why?" "I love you" I tell her and she smiles. "No! Not like that Annie. I love you love you. Like you love James and James love you. There is no other girl. Who I talked about that day...is you." She looks at me with no emotion on her face. "Annie, I love you. From the day I saw you I fell in love. I am in love with you." She looks away. "I'm sorry Taylor. We can not happen. I'm already getting married to James." "So..." I grab her arm. "If you weren't getting married to James then you and I could've been something?" She just looks at me with her innocent face. She didn't answer me. Maybe she doesn't want to hurt my feelings by answering. I tighten my grip on her. "I'm going to take that as a yes" I say. "Taylor-" before she could finish I forced my lips on her. I'm not sure if she pushed me or not but I held her tightly hoping she would hold me too. I push her down onto the bed and hold her hands above her head and kiss her all over. She's not saying anything. I keep going. This is all I ever wanted every night before I go to sleep. I always fantasized about her. Us making love, making these bright colors together. On this bed that they made purple on, I am going to cover it in rainbow. I push down on Annie. I can feel her tears hitting me. I didn't stop. I couldn't stop, Why would I stop? This is my dream come true. Making Annie mine. I sit on top of her and look at her. She looks like she's suffering. "No..." I whisper. "Show me the face you show James" I begin to cry. "Don't look at me like that" I have never seen such a sad and bitter expression from her. I slide my hands under her shirt to her breast. I smile. She would always make fun of my small breasts and feel superior because she's a little bigger than me. I squeeze her breast tightly. I have always wanted to touch them. I lean down and kiss her breasts. I want to suck them. I want to make a mess out of her. My tongue touches her n****e and she let out a small moan. She likes it. If not then why isn't she stopping me. I heard a door opening. It's James. I keep going. I want him to see me and Annie. I want his heart to break. I want him to leave her. Annie then push me away. She fix herself quickly. "Taylor, this isn't like you." She whispers. She turns the movie back on. "It isn't like you" I get off the bed. She's right. "I just exploded I guess" I tell her. "I'm sorry. I...I'm not going to be your maid of honor. It's too painful." "Taylor-" say Annie but James open the door stopping her. "Oh hey Taylor!" says James. "Am I interrupting something?" "You are" I tell him. "Annie and I were in the middle of-" "Taylor!" Annie stops me. "We were doing girl stuff. Boys don't need to know." "Right" I mumble. "Bye" and I push James out of the way as I walk out of the room. I can hear James and Annie laughing. I take myself home, crying. I lock myself in my own home. I didn't go to their wedding. I stop communicating and seeing Annie. I'm so stupid. I should've just kept my mouth shut. A few months pass by and I decided to move out of the city after finding a new place to settle in. Let me be forgotten and let you live your life. Let us move on.