THEIR ΦΩΤΙΆ(LIGHT)

JACKY Heavy thuds approach so fast on the tiled floor and with each step she takes, I can hear my pulse pounding in my ears and my galloping heartbeat knowing that this hell is going to start all over again. The jingling of keys signals that she is closer now to get me. Fear creeps through me as goosebumps engrave my skin. Her pitchy voice echoes through the room saying “ What an ingrateful excuse of a child I've got. All you do is eat and sleep, nothing just like you are. A murder, nothing, waste of space, mistake, ingrateful and traitor that's all you. I was kind today to you and you repay like this? Just like you killed your dad?” She had sent a maid to bring me dried bread which had molds. I didn't eat it. I refused to eat it because I knew what would happen if I got sick. I remember the last time I fell sick and didn’t look that good worth repeating itself. I could tell that she was in a good mood. On the other days, I could go for 3 days without food but she always gives me water at a limited amount so that I don’t die. My death would ruin her “pure hearted” reputation out there. I don’t respond and she sneers loudly then everything repeats itself. Burning slaps run across my melancholic face, bruising my cheeks. One and after another until I am curled up into a ball helpless in the cold tiled-floor as I sob quietly. Hot burning tears flow freely to my already swollen cheeks . She chokes me and shoves me to the nearest wall until I am unable to breathe, dropping me in the hard floor bruising my once spotless knees. I quickly crawl to one of the dark corners of the room and hug my knees sobbing. Again those hurtful words follow “ I really wish I had aborted you the day I knew you were there. I always had a premonition about you. You f*****g killed my husband you murderer. I will make you pay for everything. You're worthless, no one could love a b***h like you. I really hope you’re pleased to see me very happy and lively” my abuser’s words stab me in the chest countlessly, they always do. The last stab always deeper than the other hurting it aimlessly. Yeah I call her my abuser instead of “Mom” since no parent treats her daughter like this. I feel a sharp pain in my head realizing that my abuser is already pulling my hair and dragging me outside again in the cold. But today’s actions went overboard. Yelling at me that she had gotten tired of me and only wished I went away from her or even died as she didn’t care anymore. I try to beg her to let me in but she only gives me her back and turns around back to the house, as her footsteps fade away. I console myself that maybe it’s for the best but I was just 13 years old. I sit at the door, hugging myself as I cry. She never wanted or loved me, I'm worthless, I'm a murderer. I can never find love I'll always ruin everything. I keep banging on the door crying for help. The events just replayed in my mind as if on repeat. She has finally disowned me forever, which is both a relief and depressing. I know she doesn't want me back, she can never do. With that, I run to a children's home we once went with Dad when before I fell sick. I'm still wearing my black gown, the one I wore during his funeral. I've never gone to school, I was always locked up in my cell. I run into the darkness until I run out of breath. Suddenly, my eyes become heavy my whole body feeling numb and a force pulling me into the darkness. I drown in it due to my weak willpower and exhaustion since I hadn’t eaten in days. I fell in a fit of absolute nothingness in the middle of darkness and nowhere. Sometimes I blame my dad for leaving me behind when he left. I wished I had died that same day with him, or died instead. I woke up to a sarcastic laughter of a drunk old man whose hands were indecently groping my adolescent breasts . I swept my eyes across his dark eyes filled with lust as he licked his dirty lower lip. I kneed his groin and he jerked away giving me a chance to run away. A surge of adrenaline rushed through me and I ran like there’s no tomorrow. I didn’t know that my freedom was that short-lived as I was pulled back before I made it out of the dark alley. I begged him to let me go as I prayed to any God that heard to save me from this man. I screamed and cried at the same time as the man took the last bit of self esteem that was left in me. In that dark alley near to the city’s dump site was the place where I lost everything, even myself. I jerked heavily panting covered in sweat and my cheeks were sticky with tears. I had curled myself into a ball unconsciously. “I am okay, I am okay. This is just a nightmare. I am here with you. You’re okay, " this is what I always tell myself whenever that memory haunts me in my dreams like a mantra. I can’t believe it has been 12 years later but it feels that it just happened yesterday. I turned and found it was just 2 am in the morning. As always I wake up by this time everyday. I throw the covers off me and get off the bed. Thoughts start flooding again and I am forced to take my antidepressants pills. Both that man and my mom knew that I was young but they hurt me and I wondered what I had done to deserve such treatment. My mom knew that I only had her how could she hurt me like this? Did I ever mean something to her? How was it my fault that I fell terribly sick on that day and my dad ended up dead when he over sped ending up having a tragic car accident? Has she ever asked me how I coped up with that trauma when I saw his lifeless body lying over the dashboard and puddled in a pool of his blood? Pieces of glasses stuck on his face, those lifeless eyes that haunt me daily. I was just 5 years at that time, how could I know such things? I ask myself such questions every night as every moment of my life seems so dull as everything is grey and there’s no livid color in it. And right now I feel so empty. I stand and go in the drawer and with a gulp of water I take them. I know my psychiatrist, Doctor Dean Alvarez, strictly advised me to avoid overdosing but I was on the edge right now. I take my phone and look for anything to do on my phone or check for any significant notifications and emails. As I was scrolling through social media I found a job vacancy notice for a personal assistant in the best company in the continent; Mason Archer Liquor company. I scan through the criteria for eligibility and I realize that I can give it a shot. Maybe it’s finally time I left everything behind and started afresh, ‘as if I had not tried it a couple of times’ my subconscious mind mocks. Maybe it’s time to quit working at Mrs. Jones eatery and make my life better. The effect of my pills start to kick in and drift back to sleep as they also function as sleeping pills.