The Last of Will

1 LAST WEDNESDAY Three words. That’s all it took to send the whole scenario into a tailspin. Not that things were looking too promising up to that point. It was only a matter of time before the other shoe would drop, because that’s how physics works. Supposedly. “Excuse me??” Two words. That was enough to signal the start of the spiral. Of course, when spouted by a mother on her last nerve, the phrase can almost drag out to three words. “Ex cuuuuse me??” Two and a half, at least. Look, I’m the first to acknowledge that since I’m fifteen, most people assume I’m naturally a complacent, disinterested teenager. Fine, I’ll give you that. But don’t expect me to care so little that I’m gonna let the blatant truth slide by when someone desperately needs to be smacked upside the head with reality. Frankly, there was no hope of dressing it up to make it pretty, even if I’d wanted to. After months of dancing around the obvious, the whole maneuver had become a pitifully useless exercise … not to mention, way boring. So I figured a little brutal honesty couldn’t hurt. That should have been my first clue to step back. I mean, stop for a second and think of how many of your life-altering choices and whacked-out haircuts and twisted relationships seemed like good ideas at the time. I don’t need the gory details—just nod. Sure, I get it that my life experience is rather limited, so why should you listen to me? Hey, I’m not arguing with you. Unlike other teenagers, I don’t claim to know everything. If I actually knew everything, then way too many annoying people would be bugging me for advice all day, and who needs that grief? Even God took a day off. But here’s the thing—aside from all the stuff I don’t know yet, I do know enough to recognize that some choices are just destined to fail, no matter what. It’s like psychological dodgeball. You might start out making some good decisions, but eventually, you get down to the scrawny, awkward and wheezy varieties, resulting in a selection that may or may not contribute to your win column. So despite what the coach says, failure is totally an option. Even if we regularly end up on the smart team, we’re all intellectual weaklings at times, since the universe needs stupidity to balance things out. And there’s plenty of it to go around. Like, idiotic politicians who forget to zip up and end up screwing themselves, which—let’s be real—defeats the whole purpose. Thickheaded criminals are notoriously entertaining, and living proof that some people get a free pass in the whole “walking and chewing gum” department. And then there is the cornerstone of our society: dumb teenagers, of which I have clearly proven to be one at the moment; which explains this conversation in my head, although I still can’t fathom how you got in here to watch this trainwreck unfold. Seriously, I don’t recall sending out invitations. But since you’re here, try to keep up. Where was I? Oh yeah, the stupidity thing … The scary ones are the people who are smart, but who make surprisingly dopey choices. Politicians and some criminals qualify for this category, but the most pronounced example of a teenager I’ve known was Linus Beadleman, who went to my junior high school. On the one hand, he was blessed with this really spongy brain that could absorb, like, the most ridiculous amount of knowledge that he could probably win Jeopardy without even breaking a sweat. On the other hand, he was cursed with a name like “Linus Beadleman.” Somewhere in the middle, it seemed he never quite grasped the whole concept of coexisting, in general. My grandma would have called him “book smart and life stupid,” since even though he spoke English, his words generally sailed over most people’s heads. I asked to borrow his ruler one time, and all I remember is a dizzying dissertation about measurement conversion and how to remove splinters with a drawing compass. Good thing my chair was against the wall; it was the only thing stopping me from keeling over. Then Linus just dropped off the map one day. The rumor mill said he went to Switzerland for a s*x change, and came back as Vera Fernlander, who showed up mid-year. But if that’s true, then somebody should demand their money back, since she’s a total ditz. Let’s face it, if you’re gonna rebuild the engine, why lose the high-tech dashboard? Personally, I think he joined a cult. Probably nothing too harsh or off the charts—just an incoherent brochure. On a scale of one to ten cultdom … maybe a four. Sorry, I’m railing. Getting back to my mom … As long as you can identify a bad decision as soon as you’ve made it, there’s usually a limited time to dig yourself out. A tiny window to salvage things before they hit rock bottom. Usually. Unless—like me—you choose the path of least reward. In this case, that would be called “honesty.” “Dad’s losing it.” There, I said it. Release the hounds. I expected an immediate retort. Something a little pithy or sarcastic. She’s good at that. Snappy comebacks are kinda her thing. I gotta say, though, the audible gasp was a little unnerving. Not that I haven’t heard it before. Trust me, it’s frequently part of the repertoire, but is prone to hovering around “orange,” and only occasionally tipping into “red.” To play that card so early meant one of two things: either she was mentally tapped out, or the life was literally being sucked out of her. Then, the noticeable beat of hesitation. If it had lasted a few seconds longer, I either would have bolted or called “911,” since the blood filling her face looked like Mount Vesuvius about to spew. But the arching of the eyebrow meant words were coming, so she hadn’t fully clocked out. I inwardly lied to myself, expecting her to appreciate the reality check. “Greer Sarazen! How dare you say that about your father!” Fine. I was wrong. I suck at this. And yes, my name is Greer. We’ll get back to that later. Time for a new tactic. “Oh, right! Like he hasn’t gone a little wacko these last few months??” Genius. Putting the onus on the one who disagrees with you. Make them state their case, instead. Then sit back and enjoy. Again, the bloated pause. The smell of victory hung in the air. Her clenched jaw and nervous tic were classic. She knew it was true, and was fighting everything in her being to not surrender. It was like that moment on every one of the bazillion crime shows, when the cops break it to the suspect that their spit was on the murder weapon, and DNA doesn’t lie. Time to take the perp walk. “Well,” she started, trying to save face, “he’s been going through a rough patch.” Nice warm-up; now let’s see it spin. “But he’ll get a job soon and be back to normal in no time.” Hmmm. The judges were shaking their heads. A 5.6 on technical, but .2 on artistry. I debated whether to respond and shatter her bubble of self-delusion, or just let it go. True to form, she made the choice for me, by walking away and getting the last word. Maybe it’s because she legitimately thought she was right. Or maybe she wasn’t too sure, and figured the silence wouldn’t say anything she didn’t want to hear. Like I said, I’m only fifteen, so people don’t expect me to know too much about life. But I do observe. And occasionally listen. And when you do listen, you learn that silence screams louder than any argument. * They should provide instructions. A pamphlet or something. But of course, they don’t. Even when my sister got her first mind-numbing summer job at “Herman’s Hacienda” (which she still bitches about to this day) they gave her a manifesto of paperwork. When you start working somewhere, all they want to do is inform you. “Here are the rules.” “This is the procedure.” “That is considered s****l harassment, so just don’t go there.” Of course, there’s always that stable of geniuses who don’t bother to read the paperwork when they start a new job … but that’s a whole other tirade. Good luck getting any information when your job is pulled out from under you. I would think that’s when you need pointers the most. Not even so much for the person who lost the job, because when you’re that happy individual, no doubt you just want to backhand every corporate schmuck within arm’s length, after being informed you have to train your replacement. No, the instructions are for the family, or whoever lives within earshot of the recently unemployed. Step-by-step guidelines to pinpoint what you’re up against on any given day. You know, stuff like “How to Talk to the Newly Jobless.” “What NOT to Say.” “Hiding Flammables and Other Impulse Purchases.” Is it really that much to ask? Just a little shout-out to the home team. But, no. You get nothin’. They might as well have fired the person’s entire social circle, because ultimately, you’ve all been kicked to the curb. So you’re left to figure out things on your own. Basically, you lie to yourself, inwardly convinced that you’re helping, while you mine the depths of their despair and just hope to not jack ‘em up any further. The trick is to be creative and resourceful when you’re getting no reinforcement from your subject. Here’s a tip: mirrors are handy. Not only do they scare off the undead, but they can help identify the dead when it’s not too clear what’s in front of you. First rule: check if they’re breathing. Yardsticks and packaging tape are key, if you need to rig up a test strip because you don’t want to get too close. In this case, my grandma would probably claim “I wouldn’t touch that with a ten-foot pole.” But we don’t have that many yardsticks, so I had to improvise. Be selective about the angle, since you may need a quick retreat. Slide in slowly, so you don’t wake the sleeping giant. Then see if any mist or drool shows up on the glass. That was the plan. Okay, not a distinctly grand plan, but it was a plan of some kind, and damn if I knew what else to do. He was just sitting there. Staring off into space with that zoned-out expression. I couldn’t even tell if he was blinking. I saw some movement, but then there was, like, this “gnat” thing buzzing around, so it may have been an involuntary spasm or something. Supposedly, dead bodies exude built-up gas, so that could have been the rank odor. But all dads fart, so wafting fumes are pretty much commonplace, and could imply that he’s very much alive. I had to be sure. All signs indicated that something had gone terribly awry. The half-scribbled, illegible notes; the frozen hand on the computer mouse; the bedhead and sorry bathrobe that may have been housing small animals; the resume with fossilized coffee stains. All the earmarks of a wannabe explorer staring into the dank cavern of his future, and running smack into The Donner Party. And then…there it was. The mist. A little bit, anyway, and then the drool. He was totally alive. Just staring at internet job listings with that glazed, vapid look. Like somebody glued to a cat video marathon. I had to get him to safety, before he became roadkill. “Dad?” Nothing but a blink. “Dad!” That’s it, up the volume. It’s like Americans traveling in a foreign country. Whenever somebody doesn’t speak English, we just talk louder, thinking that’ll cure everything. And then came a gurgle. Proof of life. The logical part of my brain was pleading, “Baby step!” But there was precious little time to waste. Screw logic. “You all right?” I asked. Let me just acknowledge, here and now—you blow off logic, and it will always bite you in the ass. I offer Exhibit A … A head turn, with those same hollow eyes looking at me. Now I was the one who was petrified. Imagine Medusa jumping on your computer and the b***h refuses to log off. Oh, happy day. “Huh?” he grunted. I just wanted to get it over with, because I had no idea what I was doing. And I’d peed my pants a little. Here’s the short version: Dad was an accountant, he was good at his job, and did our taxes every year and the Feds haven’t busted down the door yet, so I guess he did something right. But those d***s at his company laid off a ton of people last year, and Dad was one of them. He’s been slowly going insane ever since. Maybe not clinically, but there’s definitely a few new squirrels in his attic now. See, Dad was a bit of a workaholic, so aside from losing the paycheck (which practically flatlined Mom), his identity more or less vanished, too. It’s like he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Bottom line is, he worked hard, and he deserved better. What he got was a kick in the gnads, and he’s still doubled over. Even though I’d heard that Herman was looking for a new dishwasher at the Hacienda, I didn’t mention it. Things were already a big enough drag.