The Subtle Way of Letting Go

Chapter 8

As weeks passed by, Ethan seemed to be doing worse. I thought giving him time to be alone was the best thing to do. I heard from Tita Mean, his mom, that he’s always drunk.

I was reaching out but he’s closing his doors to everyone. His mom is asking me if I knew anything about what was going on. I wasn’t able to say the truth because I didn’t think it was right if it will come from me.

His professor approached me one time because he knows that were friends.

“Ms. Buendia, can you please tell Mr. Santos to attend his classes. A few more absences and he’s out of my class. He has a lot of potential. He’s one of the brightest students in my class. I don’t know if he has a problem but I hope he doesn’t get to sacrifice his future.” He said. I can see concern in his eyes.

“Yes sir. I’ll tell him. Thank you for your concern. He’s just having a tough time right now.”

“Thank you, Ms. Buendia. Whatever it is that he’s going through I know he’ll get through it.” He tapped my shoulder and left me.

I’m really getting worried for Ethan. I didn’t know that it’s going to be this worse. He worked hard to be on the top of his class. He’s very passionate about his studies. I couldn’t believe he can let go of something he cherished so much just like that.

I went to his house after the talk I had with his professor. I finally got the chance to see him outside his room. He was getting water from the fridge. I looked at him and I can see he’s a mess.

“How are you?” I awkwardly said. I don’t know how to talk to him. I know it’s such a lame question because I know he’s not okay. But I had to start at something. This is the first time that I get to talk to him after he broke down.

“I’m fine.” He said without any hint of emotion.

“You don’t look fine.”

“I said I’m fine Andi!”

“Ethan what are you doing to yourself? Have you seen yourself in the mirror? You look like a mess.”

He didn’t say anything and just walked past me. I grabbed his arm. I don’t know when I’ll be able to get the chance to talk to him again. I’ll grab this opportunity.

“Ethan I’m really worried about you. Your professor approached me today. He said you’ll be dropped out of his class if you continue your skipping your classes. Ethan please. This is not you.”

“Then who am I? Do you really know me?” He snapped.

“Ethan, I know you. I know every bit of you. And I am telling you right now this is not the Ethan that I know. Please help yourself. Don’t be like this please. You’re not the only one who’s hurting. We are hurting seeing you like this.”

“I don’t have any reason to do so. Just leave me alone.” He said and then turned around. He attempted to go back to his room but I stopped him.

“Ethan please. You are surrounded by a lot of people who loves you. Look around you. We’re so worried of you.”

“But I don’t need you to worry for me. I can take care of myself.”

His words hit like a dagger.

“Take care of yourself? Have you looked in the mirror? Is that how you take care of yourself?” I suddenly snapped. A lot of emotions are suddenly bursting out.

“Why do you care? Who are you to tell me what to do? Will you please just leave me alone.” He was so furious.

His words were like poison to me. It’s slowly killing me. But I can’t be weak right now. Someone has to be strong.

“I’m a friend who’s worried sick about you. Ethan, I told you I’ll never leave you. I’ll be with you in this fight. I’ll help you. But help yourself as well. I can’t bear to see you like this.” My tears were continuously falling from my eyes. I wasn’t able to control myself anymore. His words hurt me so much. But I’m more hurt by the fact that it seems he was ready to lose this battle.

“It’s only Jill that I want. It’s Jill. I want Jill.” Tears streamed down his face when he said that. I immediately went to him and hugged him. Oh god! If only I can take away the pain he’s feeling.

“Ethan Jill’s not here. She left. You have to accept the fact that she didn’t choose to stay.”

“No! She’ll be back. She’ll take me back. She just needs time. I can wait. I’ll wait for her. I know she’ll come back.”

After that he still was in his room most of the time but this at least this time he’s going school. That gave me hope. Maybe he’s finally changed his mind. Maybe he finally wants to help himself. I smiled to myself with that thought. He doesn’t talk that much and he doesn’t talk to me yet but I’m still happy with what I’m seeing. There’s an improvement. That’s what’s important. Baby steps.

I still text him every day since he doesn’t talk to me. I wanted to remind him that I’m here and anytime that he needs me I’m just a call away. Though he doesn’t reply to my messages, I would still remind him that I was here.

It was Friday and I was finishing up my requirements. It’ll be finals in a week so I need to finish all of these. I was so busy with what I’m doing when I suddenly saw toby from my peripheral vision. I saw him walking towards my direction.

I have been avoiding him since the day of his confession. I felt guilty that I was hurting him unintentionally that’s why I thought of not seeing him for the time being. I was hoping that somehow, it’ll help him to remove his feelings for me. This is the only thing I can think of.

I was slowly fixing my things before he sees me. I’ll just find a new place to finish what I was doing.

“Are you avoiding me?” I was still fixing my stuff and was about to leave when he suddenly spoke.

“No. It’s just too loud in here that I thought I’ll find a new place to work.” I was trying to place a smile so that he won’t notice that I was lying. Please let him not notice.

“You’re a bad liar, you know that?” He looked at me seriously. “Why are you avoiding me? Is it because of what I said last time?”

I couldn’t speak. I don’t know how to say that I don’t want to hurt him.

“I told you to not worry about it. My feelings, my problem.” He said to me in a serious voice.

“I just thought it would help if I avoid you.” I almost said it as a whisper.

“I’ll be fine. Worry about yourself. I noticed that you are often in deep thoughts.”

I inhaled sharply. “Ethan is going through a tough time and I don’t know how to help him.” I honestly said.

“If he needs help, he’ll ask you. Just let him be. He’s old enough. And besides, there are battles needed to be fought alone.” He said to me.

“But it still feels different if you know there are other people who’s always there for you.”

“You have a point. But maybe he still needs time to figure things out. Just let him be. He’ll come to his senses.”

“Thank you. For being always there to listen.” I sincerely thanked him. Just knowing that someone is willing to listen to you means a lot.

“No sweat. Only for you.” I smiled at his response.

“There you go! You should smile more often. You’re even more beautiful when you smile.” I blushed at what he said. I don’t receive compliments that much. It was new to me. Everything with him is new to me.

We had a great time talking and catching up. We were at a café near the school. We decided to go home when it was getting dark. We walked side by side towards the village. It feels relaxing being with him I didn’t even notice I was laughing so hard at everything he’s saying.

We were walking home when I received a call from Ethan. I looked at toby and then answered the phone.

“Hello? Ethan?”

“Hello ma’am?” The voice on the other line is definitely not Ethan. It was an unfamiliar voice.

“who’s this? Why do you have Ethan’s phone?” I heard a loud music in the background.

“Uhm, ma’am I am the manager of the bar. The owner of this phone is already drunk. He doesn’t have anyone with him. I don’t think he’ll be able to go home at his state. I got his phone and tried to call anyone that could pick him up and you’re on his speed dial.” He explained to me. He gave the address of the bar Ethan’s at. I need to pick him up.

“Toby you go ahead. I need to pick up Ethan.” I told him.

“No. I’ll come with you. It’s already dark. It’s dangerous.”

I nodded and thanked him. I also agreed his suggestion because I was afraid to go to the bar alone. I have never been into one. I told Toby what the situation was while we were going to the address.

When we arrived at the place, I didn’t expect that there are a lot of people. Toy and I are still in our uniforms. We haven’t changed yet. We were uncertain if we will be allowed inside. Toby politely asked the bouncer and told him the reason why we’re here. Good thing the bouncer seems to know the situation and led us to where Ethan is. I guess the manager already told him.

We saw him asleep on the table. He was really drunk. We thanked the bouncer and we asked for help to bring Ethan outside the bar. I hailed a cab and we went home. We brought Ethan to his room and Toby said he’ll wait for me downstairs.

I removed his shoes and cleaned him up a bit. I washed his face and removed his shoes but not his clothes because I was not comfortable doing that. I was about to go out when he suddenly said something that made me stop.

“Jill please come back to me. I love you so much.” Then I saw a tear escaped his eyes.

My heart felt like it was stabbed. I will never get used to this kind of pain.

“Why can’t it be me? Why can’t you see me?” I mumbled afraid he might hear me. I looked at his face one more time and then slowly closed the door.