The Subtle Way of Letting Go

Chapter 2

“Help me court Jill.”

I was not able to process what he just said. I’m going to help him be with someone else. My heart was shattering. The pain creeping inside me was getting excruciating.

“Hey, Andi why are spacing out? Are you going to help me? Please say yes. You’re the only person I know I can ask for help. You can ask me anything you like. I’ll treat you anywhere you like.”

“Y-you really like her, don’t you?” Trying so hard to not let my voice break.

“Yeah. It really feels different when I’m with her. You know that feeling when it’s like a complete bliss whenever you’re with that person. It feels like that when I’m with her. Seeing her makes my day complete.” I saw how his eyes shimmered while saying all those words. “But you’ve never fallen in love. So, I guess you’ll be able to understand me If you already found that person.” He said while letting out a small laugh.

Triple Kill. I thought that my heart was already broken enough but at that very moment I felt my heart being crushed. The way you talked about her. The way you smiled with the mere mention of her name. Oh, How I wish I was her.

“Are you gonna be happy if I help you be with her?”

“What kind of question is that? Of course, I’ll be so happy. So, you’re gonna help me okay?” He said with a hopeful voice.

“Okay fine! I’ll help you. But you’re going to grant me a wish in return okay? That’s the deal.” I said trying so hard to not let him notice how I was breaking at that very moment.

“Yes!! Thank you! Thank you so much. You really are the best friend ever. That’s why I love you so much.” He was jumping out of joy while hugging me. He was that happy.

A friend. I was reminded again of my place. I was just his friend so I had no right to be hurt. I was trying so hard to celebrate his happiness with him. I want him to feel that I’ll always be here to help him with anything. Even when it means breaking my own heart.

“Thank you so much again Andi. This means a lot to me.” I can how grateful he was at that very moment. Then he looked at his watch and then looked at me. “I need to go home. I have tons of lessons to review and we have a graded recitation tomorrow.” You hugged me again before you went home.

I was left dumbfounded. Not fully realizing what just happened. Can I do it? Can I really bear to see you happy with somebody else?

“What? Are you just gonna stand there?”

I was shocked to hear someone talk. Toby. He was my neighbor. We don't really interact with each other so I was surprised that he’s talking to me right now. He was the typical bad-boy looking guy. He has these features which attract girls. But his dark aura is creeping me out that’s why I try to avoid him as much as possible.

“You look stupid standing there. You agreed to help him even though you know it’s gonna break you. You brought it to yourself. You could’ve said no. Don’t cry because you agreed to it.” I was shocked to hear that from him. Does he know? Am I that obvious? “Sorry I unintentionally listened to your conversation. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. I was about to leave but then I saw your pained expression. Your friend is so stupid for not even noticing that you’re hurting.”

He was so blunt with his words. I was speechless. I didn’t know why I just accepted all his words. Somehow, I knew it was true. I left him there standing. I didn’t know what to say or how to respond. I didn’t want to be rude but I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone.

Morning came and my head was aching. I barely slept last night. What happened that night kept replaying in my head. It’s good that I don’t have any requirements unfinished because I wasn’t in the mood to do anything. I washed myself and went downstairs. Ethan was already eating. He's always like that. Our home is his second home. He feels alone in their house because his parents are so busy that’s why he spends most of his time here.

“You’re so early.”

“I got hungry. Come on, let’s eat. We’re gonna be late again because of you.”

Our normal routine went on. We still went to school together. I didn't even notice that the day was about to end again. I listened to all my professors. This is the distraction that I needed. I need to focus my mind on different things.

[Andi, what flower do you think will Jill like? Roses or Daisies?] I suddenly received a text from him.

[What does she like? You should ask her.] I responded.

[It’s supposed to be a surprise that’s why I asked you. Just come with me later when I buy the flowers. Please help me choose. We have the same break sched right? I’ll text you.]

I must have looked at his message way too long I didn’t notice that Toby was already beside me.

“Your phone’s gonna melt. You’ve been staring at it for too long.”

“Are we friends?” I suddenly blurted out. I forgot that we were classmates in one subject.

“No. But that’s a good idea. Do you want to be friends?” He was teasing me. I left him there since I’m not comfortable talking to him because of what he saw.

I went to my next subject and listened intently. I was so focused on our lesson until I heard the bell rang. My next class is in the next 2 hours. I was just sitting at my chair when I felt my phone beeped.

[meet me at the entrance of the univ.]

I was contemplating whether I’d go or I’d just make an excuse. But Then again, I promised him. So, I went at the meeting place even when I know I didn’t want to. My footsteps were so heavy. I know I’m making a huge mistake but I know I needed to do this. He’s happy. That’s what matters.

We went to buy flowers and I can see how his eyes shimmer. The happiness was evident in his eyes. I tried to show that I was happy too. I am trying my best to be happy for him.

We went back to the school together. He saw her with her friends and excused himself. He said he’s just going to give the flowers to her. I watched him hand her the flowers. I watched how he smiled at her. That smile that I had dreamt of all my life. I was busy watching him that I suddenly felt someone’s hand blocking my eyes.

“If you can’t take it, just close your eyes. Don’t let your heart die even more.”

Toby.

“You can always close your eyes from the things that you don’t want to see. But you can never close your heart from the things that you don’t want to feel. Even if I don’t see it, I can still feel it. And It is slowly killing me.”               

After saying that, I turned around and walked away. Just like the waterfalls, my tears began to fall down from my eyes. Before I could even go far, Toby suddenly said something.

“Then choose not to kill yourself. We always wake up to a new day. We are given a chance every day to choose to be happy. So, do yourself a favor and save yourself from misery.”

I smiled bitterly to what he said.

“I’m beyond saving. I already drowned a long time ago.”

With that, I left him.