Blessed & Broken

Chapter 16

“Kali”, Gemma said. “Kali”, she called out again. “Kalia Elizabeth Stone!”, she shouted to me. “Yeah”, I said, snapping out of my thoughts. “Girl, What the hell is wrong with you? I have been sitting here talking to you and you haven’t heard one thing that I have said.”

I didn’t know that she had even been talking to me. I mean, I knew she was sitting next to me on the sandy shore and I knew that she had been talking. Oh Hell, I’m not even going to lie. I knew she was talking to me.

My head had been so incredibly consumed with thoughts of Ian and the decision that I had to make that I could not get my mind attentive to anything else.

“I’m sorry, Gem. I don’t know what is wrong with me”, I apologized. “What were you saying?” She looked at me with one eyebrow raised. “I don’t even remember anymore. Whatever it was, it wasn’t important.” 

I looked ahead as a speed boat raced through the water. I watched as the people it dragged along in the tube behind it, bounced all around.

“Honestly, Kali. What’s going on?”, she asked concerned. I shook my head. “I don’t know. I feel like I’m in a fog. I can’t concentrate.” Gemma brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them.

“Are you sick?”, she asked. I answered back by saying, “I feel ok. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just burnt out from school or something.” I could feel her eyes on me. “Or maybe, it’s Ian”, she said in a soft voice.

Just hearing her say his name felt as if someone were squeezing their fingers around my heart. I looked over at Gemma. “I know how much you love teaching those little ankle biters. It’s not the job”, she said shaking her head. “You love it too much.” The corner of my lips turned up slightly. “This is something deeper”, she continued. We sat in silence for a few minutes before Gemma started to speak again. “Have you talked to him?” I shook my head.

“Look, Kal. I want to tell you to hang on. Be patient and wait for Ian. I mean, if it were any other guy and this was happening, I would say screw him. Put on your big girl pants and move on.” I chuckled at her comment.

“But I don’t feel that way with Ian though”, she said. “I feel like he is one of a kind and not the norm, you know?” I shook my head in agreement. “The way he loves you is unlike anything I've ever seen. Deep down inside, I am really rooting for you guys.”

I thought back to when Ian used to wrap his arms around me. I felt so loved by him. It was so frustrating having other people think that he was just another man who ran off on me. The truth was, his absence was because of how much love he had for me.

On one hand, I loved Ian. He was my protector, my safe place, my home. I have dreamt of the day that we would be together again. We would spend the rest of our lives as one, raising our children and growing old together. It was going to be Ian and I on this journey together.

On the other hand, I had so much love for him; could I even bare it if something were to happen to him? Was I so selfish to want him and his love, that I would allow him to risk who he was? I guess that I had made my decision, but Luna said I still had time.

Deep down, I knew what I needed to do. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to go through with it. It had been over a year now since I had last seen him. Maybe with so much time that has passed, it would be easier to let him go. Oh, but who was I kidding? The thought of it felt like razors cutting through my insides.

As my best friend, Gemma knew what I needed. She and Eric kept me busy as much as she could for the rest of our stay at the lake.

Mom and George came up the last two days that we were there, which was an inviting distraction to my thoughts. I tried to stay as upbeat as I possibly could, but my mom kept asking if I as ok. I was trying to lie, but unfortunately, I couldn’t completely hide the pain that I was feeling.

As much as my family and friends wanted to help me, they didn’t understand. Even I noticed that I started to withdrawal from the outside world. I don’t know how many times Gemma and Eric invited me to dinner, retreats and other activities with them. Or, how many times mom and George wanted to take me on weekend trips, just to get me out of the house and out of my funk.

One year and eight months had now passed. Kalia, as everyone knew her, was a changed person. She had lost her spark, her shine, somewhere beyond here. The months on the calendar seem to turn as quickly as they came, but yet time was unbearably slow.

It was a Saturday morning and I woke up feeling like hell. I sat on the edge of the bed, looking out the window at the sun shining bright. I was tired of feeling the way that I had been feeling. If Ian would see me now, he would be disappointed. I knew that I couldn’t keep going on this way. 

I decided to hop in the shower to help cleanse some of the sadness away. For the first time in a long time, I decided to put on a little make up. Maybe it would help hide the anguish that I could not disguise. 

I felt the need to go see my dad. Perhaps I would feel some sort of comfort there. I felt very close to him right now.

Being in the cemetery where my dad was laid to rest, brought some peace to my soul. There was no one there to analyze, judge or take pity on me. I could simply be who I was, feeling simply what I felt.

I shed tears as I spoke out loud to the granite stone that sat before me. Every thought that concocted in me over the past since Ian, had now erupted out. I needed this release. It was my breakdown. My body physically was not capable of continuing to contain it any longer.

The sun's rays broke through the trees and embraced me in its warmth. I closed my eyes and pictured the comfort that I felt, was Ian’s arms embracing around me. I gripped the stone that hung from my neck and held it tight. It helped me feel closer to him.

“This is killing me inside, Dad. I don’t know what to do.” My cries came out in sobs now. It was hard to talk through them. I looked up to the sky. “I mean, I know what I have to do, it just breaks my heart so much to do it. I love him so much.” I buried my face in my hands. “I wish you were here, Dad.”

I was trying to summons up the courage to say it. I needed to put aside my feelings and do what was right. My mind was made up. I needed to protect Ian and this was the only way that I knew how.

I lifted my head back to the sky and stared up to the Heavens.  My face was sticky and damp from the tears that flooded my face. I folded my hands and began to pray. “God, please keep Ian safe there with you. He doesn’t belong in this world.” The deep cries began to escape my throat again. When I was able to find a breath that wasn’t chocked, I said, “Please make sure that he knows how much I love him.”

It was done. There was no back peddling on my decision. The cracks in my heart seem to have deepened. The best part of what would have ever been in my life, was over now. My soul would now spend the rest of my life in solitary confinement.

From that moment on, life was hard. I felt like a live walking zombie. I had tunnel vision. It took extreme effort to go from one daily task to another.

When I stepped into the coffee shop one a chilly morning, immediately my nose was hit by the delicious aroma of fresh brewed espresso and the sweet scent of vanilla and cinnamon.

I walked up to the counter to place my order. Until this moment, I had not been paying attention to my surroundings or the people in it. That was, until I heard my name being called out from a man’s voice who was standing off to my side. I turned my head toward where the sound was coming from. My heart felt as if it were just shocked by a defibrillator, sending it pounding and making my lips part.     Luke.