Blessed & Broken

Chapter 15

When I awoke in the morning, Ian was gone. I was alone. So many emotions started to present themselves. On one hand, I was excited. Soon enough, Ian and I would be together. Both of us living this journey as one.

On the other hand, I was desolate. I already felt lonely and incomplete without him. My heart ached as hot tears trailed down my cheeks. I wiped them away as I sat up in bed.

I felt a thin cool line of metal that wrapped around my neck. I looked down and placed the pendant that laid upon my chest, into the palm of my hand. I took time to examine the gorgeous ornate stone.

Holding it in my grasp, it already started to make me feel better. I felt at peace. I sat a moment looking out the window and imagined how our life would be when Ian returned.  I pictured us every day, hand in hand, watching our children grow and play. The thought made my heart swell and brought an enthusiastic grin to my face.

I had to push the sadness that I was feeling, aside. I had a promise to keep to Ian. I promised that I would continue living my life to the fullest. I made the choice right there and then, that from this moment on, I would live as if Ian were still beside me. Excitement fully took over as I was going to make Ian proud of me at how good I kept good to me word.

Four months had gone by and time was starting to wear on my enthusiasm. I missed Ian so much. I was honestly doing the best I could at living my life to the best of my ability. 

I had already started another school year of teaching a new kindergarten class. I continued to help Cole after school with his homework when needed. Surprisingly enough, his mom did not seem too phased by the fact that I was assisting him. Either she had come to the realization that I truly did know what I was doing or that I was helping her son, which meant she didn’t have to. Either way, I enjoyed tutoring him and not to mention, it kept me busy.

I literally did anything and everything I could to keep myself occupied. I repainted my bathroom. I was so proud of the work that I did, I decided to do a complete make over on my bedroom. If this teaching gig didn’t work out, I could always be interior designer.

I even went as far as going with Eric and Gemma to a church revival for the weekend in Travers City. Upper Michigan was absolutely stunning to me, especially this time of year. But it was very cold.

 This had been the first time that I had ever gone to something like this and it actually turned out to fun. There was so much energizing music, singing, and dancing.

I watched in amazement while Eric performed his sermon. He was so captivating and intense. The passion he had, brought me to tears. I observed how Gemma watched him, never taking her eyes away. Even though I was so happy for my best friend, my heart started to ache to see the way they looked at each other. I missed Ian.

Later that afternoon, Gemma and I went and got some coffee and took a walk through the town. “Have you talked to Ian lately?”, she asked and then took a sip from her latte. “Yeah, we talk every now and then.” I kept my eyes to the ground. “He’s been gone awhile”, she observed. I hated lying. I wasn’t very good at it at all.

“Yeah, his mom is really sick and we discussed how we probably weren’t going to get much time to talk. You know, with the different time zones and everything.” Gemma nodded.  “That would be difficult. It’s what? Like a three-hour-time difference?”  I nodded my head. Then she said, “Yeah, I could see how you both wouldn't have much time to talk. You've got school and grading papers. He has a sick parent to take care of.”

We continued walking. I figured if I didn’t say much about it, then the conversation would turn to something else. “I hope he comes back soon though. I like him with you.” I looked over at Gemma and smiled. “I do too.”

“So, what did you think of Eric’s sermon?” My face was one of enthusiasm. “Oh my gosh! It was so great. He did a phenomenal job. The way he captures his audience is a sight to behold.” Gemma giggled. “I get pretty mesmerized by his speaking quite often.” I agreed with her. “It’s like he becomes a different person when he is up there.”

Gemma and I moved forward on our walk. “It’s so good to see you happy, Gem.” She looked at me and gave me a great big grin. “I never thought this would happen for me. I mean, me? With a Pastor?” She shook her head with her smile gracing her face. “Crazier things have happened,” I joked with her.

I continued, “In all honesty though, it makes me happy to see you in such a good place.” She wrapped her arm around my waist. “Thank you, Babe. Now, hopefully Ian will get his ass back here quick so I can see you perk up again.” I chuckled. “Is it that noticeable?”, I asked. “I’m trying my best.”  She squeezed me tight. “I know you are.”

I was trying hard. Filling one’s time to get their mind off of something or someone can be a very daunting task. The months continued to go by and I had no inkling that Ian was remotely close to coming back. I was beginning to feel as if my memories of him were starting to fade. My love for him didn’t.

The school year had come and gone. Still no Ian. It had been nearly a year since I had seen him last. I was surviving, but that’s about all I was doing.

I decided to spend a few days at the lake for a change of scenery. I figured that I could benefit from some water and sun. Eric and Gemma were going to meet me there for a short get away.

I needed to pack because I was going to be heading out early the next morning. After all of my clothes were loaded in my suitcase, I began looking through the book collection in my bookshelf that I had accumulated throughout the years to bring some reading material with me to the lake. As I gazed at the selection of literature, my eyes caught sight of something that made my heart tighter. It was the book that Luna had let me borrow some time back. The same book that led me to Ian.

I took the black leather-bound book from the space it occupied on the shelf and I ran my hand over the silverish gold lettering. Indirectly, this book had brought so much joy, happiness, and love into my life.

I opened the cover and began to flip through the pages. My attention was diverted by a folded piece of paper that nestled between two of the pages. I didn’t remember seeing it there before. 

I took the perfectly creased sheet of white paper out of its hiding spot and carefully unfolded it. Tears flowed over the brims of my eyes when I read,

My Dearest Love,

Remember, the key to happiness lies within you. No one can create or destroy it. Only you have the power.  Make your journey one to be proud of and know that I will be with you soon.

I love you for eternity and everything that I am and will be,

Ian Guard

His words hit me like a truck to my chest. I held his note close by my heart and wept. I felt his absence even more.  He knew that I would find this book again. He knew that I would need his words to make it through this time without him.

When I finished letting all of the emotions out, I wiped my tears and reassured myself that I could do this.  I was strong enough. With Ian’s promises that we were going to be together again, I got up to my feet and reared determination back in me.

My head eventually cleared and I realized that I had Luna’s book for far too long. I must go return it to her. I was hoping that her little shop was still open and in the same place I had last found it. 

Luna and her shop where still both in the same location. Quiet from the word. As I opened the door, bells chimed a welcome. Luna was standing at the counter, with her head bent as she was looking at a small pile of stones.

When she heard the ting of the bells, she looked up. “Hi”, she said with a welcoming smile. “Hello”, I responded mimicking her expression. “I’m not sure if you remember me or not, but...” Luna began to giggle with delight, “Of course I remember you, Kalia.” I took a sigh of relief and said, “Oh, good.” She walked from behind the counter with her arms spread open. When she made her way to me, she embraced me in a warm hug. I didn’t get many of those nowadays. She made me feel as if we had been friends for years.

“I’m so happy that you came to see me”, she said with much enthusiasm. I lowered my head, looking at the book that I was holding. “I came to return your book that you let me borrow. I am sorry that I am so late with it.” Luna closed her eyes and shook her head. She gently pushed the book back into my arms. “Honey, don’t even worry about it. I want you to have it.”

This woman was so incredibly nice. “Are you sure?” I was doubtful. “Of course, Hun. Considerate it yours.” I smiled warmly at her. “Thank you so much Luna. I really appreciate it.” She laid her hand upon my shoulder and said, “No problem.”

She took my hand and said, “Please, come sit. Tell me how everything has been going.” Luna led me back to the dimly lit space where she had done my first reading. As she sat, she rested her elbow on the table with her hand under her chin. She looked like a girlfriend ready for some juicy gossip. The gesture me chuckle.

I proceeded to tell Luna about how life was going. As she listened, her eyes drifted to the multiple decks of tarot cards that sat in the middle of the table.

She brought a deck back to her and started to idly cut it. She was still listening, but I wasn’t fully sure that it was to me. She smiled and nodded as I talked. She started to flip some of the top cards over, one by one. It distracted me and that’s when I stopped talking and watched her.

Her smile faded and concern swept across her face. It made me feel uneasy in a way. It was like she knew something that I didn’t.

She began to speak. “I see that the context in the book assisted you in your meeting your Guide.” A look of surprise took over me. “How do you know that?”, I asked in disbelief. I mean, of course she knows. She knew about my dad when I was here before.

“I can see”, she answered me. I leaned forward to her. “You can see Ian?” Luna smiled and looked down. She hung her head for a moment before she looked back up at me. “Yes, I can see him”, she said with a slight grin.

I began to stutter my word. “When...What’s he doing? Is he ok?” My words came out in a frenzy. Luna extended her hand in a motion to calm me. “He’s fine, Kalia.” I sat back in my seat. I noticed that my breath had picked up. I tired me best to slow it.

Luna went on, “He’s very, very busy.” She looked down to the cards. She studied them for what seemed like an eternity. I wanted to know more. I was trying not to be impatient. I’m pretty sure that Luna could feel my energy because she looked up, telling me with her eyes to relax.

She finally sat back in her chair. She looked as if she’d known everything. She smiled softly as she spoke. “I see you both have everything planned out.” I looked at her and slowly nodded my head, confirming her statement. “He will become like us.” I nodded once again.

Luna kept looking down to her hands and then back to me. There was something weighing on her mind. Something she wasn’t saying. We sat in the silence. I wanted to know what it was that she saw. From the looks of her face, it couldn’t have been that great. I was so torn. Did I continue to live with what I thought was going to be, or did I choose that was definite.

I needed to know. “Luna”, I called to her. She lifted her head to meet my gaze. “What’s the matter?”, I asked. “I can see that there is something that you want to say, but you just aren’t saying it.”

The side of Luna’s mouth lifted slightly. “I guess I’m not that good at disguising my facial expressions, am I?” She looked as if she were embarrassed by it. “Luna”, I called again. “Please tell me.”

Luna dropped her hands and let out a deep sigh. I knew I was about to find out what she saw. “Nothing is wrong, Kalia and I want you to know that at the end of all of this, the choice is ultimately yours.” She shook her head up and down to me until I did the same, showing that I understood.

“Kalia, you and your Guardian fell in love, right?” I whispered, “Yes.” She looked off as if she were somewhere else. “It’s a wonderful love, isn’t it? It’s so powerful and full of passion. You feel as if you are truly with your other half. The person who understands without you having to say a word.” It was as if Luna could feel our love.

“But Kalia, have you really, I mean, really thought this through?” My eyes moved from Luna as I started to wonder if I really did analyze everything about this situation. I looked back at her. “Is something bad going to happen?” I asked with thick concern.

Luna shook her head and said, “No, not you.” My heart sank and my breath caught. “Ian!”, I gasped. She took another deep breath. “Honey, I’m not saying anything bad is going to happen. Look, I’m going to stop beating around the bush, ok?” I nodded my head as in I wanted to know everything.

“Our time here is very quick; I mean very quick. It is comparable to a blink of an eye in the vastness of the time spectrum.” I continued to listen. “What he is doing right now, takes years and years of work in our sense. Everything has to be absolutely perfect in order for us to fulfill all of our duties here.”

“Are you saying that he will be gone for years?”, I asked. She pursed her lips together. “That I don’t know. What I’m trying to say is, because our lives are so short on Earth, he will not be properly ready to come here.” I could feel my brows crease over this concerning news.

“But I thought that’s what he was doing now?” She started to shake her head slowly from side to side. “Kalia, he is making sure that everything will be taken care of for you, not him.” This was way too much to take in.

“You see, our kind, we are trained before we come to this Earthly plane. Hence, our natural instincts. Once again, it takes years upon years to accomplish this.” She emphasized every word and paused a moment before continuing. “By the time it would take him to prepare himself fully for this world, your life would have been over for a great deal of time.”

My heart began to hurt and a feeling of hopelessness started to sink into my chest. “With him not being fully equipped when he joins us, it would be the same as putting a new born baby right in the middle of one hundred caged hungry lions who had not eaten for weeks. It could tear him apart”

 I spoke up in a panic. “But he would be with me.  I would help him along. I would protect him.” Luna looked at me with sympathy. She spoke softly. “You couldn’t protect his mind. This life isn’t for the faint of heart, Kalia. Look at how it wears mentally on the most prepared.” She paused a moment before continuing. “Kalia, we aren’t talking about an experienced warrior. We are talking about a pure, gentle soul. A soul that is made of authentic natural love”, she took a deep breath. “Can you imagine how this world could taint such a perfect being? Especially when they have no way to navigate it.” She paused for a moment. “We are soldiers of the afterlife. To come here takes great strength and bravery.  It takes great preparation.”

My face was drawn. I felt numb. Luna came and kneeled down in front of me. “Oh honey, please don’t be angry with me.” I looked to her and said, “No, I’m not. I appreciate you being honest with me.” I thought for a moment. “I guess I didn’t realize any of this.” I looked back to Luna’s eyes. “Why didn’t he tell me all of this? Why didn’t he tell me that it wouldn’t be good for him?” I questioned.

Luna took her hand and brushed a strand of hair to the back of my ear. “Honey, love is truly blind. It knows no bounds. It makes us feel as if we can do anything. With that sometimes we choose to ignore the ‘What ifs.’”

Luna grasped my hands. “I’m sure that he thought that he could really do this”, she said. “Now, I’m not saying this will happen. I may have a gift, but I am only human. I just wanted you to be aware of all of the outcomes to this situation.”

I couldn’t feel my body. It was as if a light fog had taken over my brain. “It looks like I have an important decision to make, don’t I?”, I pondered. She gave a soft smile. “Yes, you do, Hun. What’s good about it is, that you still have some time.”

I let go of Luna’s hands and stood from my chair. “Thank you, Luna”, I said as I began to leave. “Kalia”, she called after me. “Don’t forget your book.” She walked the book over to me and placed it in my hands.

She then put both of her hands on the side of my arms. “Whatever choice you decide to make, I wish you nothing but happiness and blessings onto you.” I nodded at her and whispered, “Thank you”, then turned and walked away.